DANIEL HEADED STRAIGHT from work to Maddie’s school but his mind was on Holly.
She was nothing like his usual type yet he had liked her on sight and that feeling had not just remained, it had grown.
The more he knew her the more he wanted to know, and for someone who did his best not to get too involved it was the oddest feeling.
It was also a very new feeling and one he’d done his best not to properly examine.
He knew that she liked him. And that wasn’t arrogance speaking, that was concern. After all, Daniel knew his own reputation.
Then he got out of the car and knew that it was time to focus on Maddie. He was cross with both his father and Amelia for not being here today.
His mother had always made the effort to be there for stuff like that, Daniel thought, and as he did so he suddenly halted.
All these years later memories seemed to be coming in and he felt floored anew by each and every one of them. As he took his seat in the audience he remembered standing on a stage with a towel on his head and his father’s tie, and looking out and seeing his mother nod and smile to him.
And so he did the same for Maddie as she came out.
She was dressed as an angel and had a silver tinsel halo and didn’t stay in character at all because she smiled and waved to him when she was supposed to be being serious.
Daniel smiled and waved back.
It was actually rather good!
Joseph’s front teeth were missing and there was a worrying moment when he nearly dropped baby Jesus and he and Maddie shared a little yikes look but apart from that it went well.
‘Which one’s yours?’ a woman beside him asked and nodded towards the stage.
‘The loud angel,’ Daniel answered, so glad with his decision to delay his trip just so that Maddie could have a family member in the crowd.
Afterwards, in the playground, she ran to him.
‘You were fantastic!’ Daniel told her.
‘I know.’ Maddie beamed. ‘Did you see when Thomas nearly dropped the baby?’
‘I did.’
‘Where are we going?’ she asked with all the confidence of a sister who knew she would be getting an extra treat from her brother.
‘I thought we might go to the movies.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’ He told her what they would be seeing but instead of her eyes lighting up they were suddenly worried.
‘I wanted to dress up when I saw that!’
‘I thought that you might,’ Daniel said, and handed her a bag he had brought with him. It was her princess costume that he had picked up from Jessica, the nanny, on his way back from work.
He waited as Maddie dashed off to the facilities and came out a few minutes later in all her finery and wearing a tiara, with her friends all oohing and ahhing as she paraded about.
‘I love it when you pick me up from school.’ Maddie said as he took out the booster seat from the boot of his car.
‘I enjoy it too.’
He did.
‘Why don’t you do it more often?’ Maddie asked as she jumped onto the booster seat, which Jessica had also given him, and strapped herself in.
Daniel didn’t answer.
It wasn’t picking Maddie up from school that was the problem, it was dropping her off and avoiding being asked in.
Maddie didn’t notice his silence. As they drove off she did the royal wave to her friends from the back of the car.
‘If you marry a prince do you definitely become a princess?’ Maddie asked.
‘Not necessarily,’ Daniel said. ‘You might become a duchess or a countess...’
‘What’s the point, then?’ Maddie sighed.
Oh, she was her mother’s daughter, but, unlike Amelia, Maddie made him laugh.
She was so cute and had the same navy eyes as he had and, for a five-year-old, was very good company.
‘How is school?’ Daniel asked as he drove.
‘I love it,’ Maddie said. ‘How is your work at the other hospital?’
‘I love it too,’ Daniel said.
He did.
He’d liked working at his old hospital. He had been through medical school there, had worked his way through the ranks and had a strong network of friends. Yet for some reason working at The Primary felt right.
It wasn’t about Holly, he wasn’t that shallow. It was maybe that at The Primary he wasn’t Marcus Chandler’s son. There were no expectations. If anything, given that he was a locum there was the expectation he’d need his hand held and then an element of surprise when he shone.
Back to focusing on Maddie!
Except, even as Daniel parked his car, he rather wished Holly was here, for he had no idea what to do. He knew this wasn’t going to be a quiet evening at the movies but there was an endless stream of little girls all dressed the same as Maddie and the queue for tickets was incredibly long.
For a moment he considered taking out his phone and booking on line—the nice seats where you had food brought to you—but he knew that wasn’t the treat his little sister needed. Instead, they chatted with several other families as they waited to buy their tickets.
‘How old is she?’ a woman asked.
‘Five.’
‘Are you giving her mum a rest?’
Daniel gave a noncommittal nod—it was clear that again the woman thought that Maddie was his child and he certainly wasn’t about to enlighten a stranger, or tell her that giving Amelia a rest was far from being the reason he was here.
‘Is it nice to be out with your dad?’ The woman smiled at Maddie.
‘I don’t get to go out with my dad very often!’ Maddie pouted and the woman gave Daniel a cool stare and then turned away, no doubt assuming it was an access visit.
‘Maddie,’ he warned.
‘Well, it’s true. Me and Daddy hardly ever go out, he’s always working. And when we do...’ She blew out a breath that sent her fringe flying into her tiara. ‘I hate it when he takes me to his club, it’s so boring.’
Daniel said nothing but he thought of the long afternoons he had spent at that bloody club, sitting with a colouring book and pencils as the adults carried on outside.
He had hated it too.
Still, they were a world away from a stuffy club this afternoon. Instead, it was all about a bucket of popcorn and two large icy drinks and just a couple of hours checking out of the world.
The place was bedlam.
Children were cheering and singing along to the film.
One little boy was so overexcited and overfed that he vomited.
‘Should you say you’re a doctor?’ Maddie checked.
‘I don’t think his mum needs a doctor to work out what’s wrong.’
Maddie smiled and got back to enjoying the movie.
It was fun, it was light-hearted and it was exactly what big brother and little sister needed. All too soon though it was over and they were headed for home.
After a few hours of easy conversation as they sat in a line of traffic making its slow way out of the car park, suddenly Maddie was quiet.
‘Are you tired?’ Daniel asked looking in the rear-view mirror, where she stared ahead.
‘No,’ Maddie answered. And then, as only five-year-olds could, she asked a question. ‘Why aren’t you going to be there at Christmas?’
Daniel took a moment to answer. ‘I’m going away on a trip, it’s been planned for a long time.’
‘But it’s only ten more sleeps until Christmas...’
‘Maddie!’ His tone told her to be quiet and he sounded like his father so he changed tack. ‘I don’t know exactly when I’m leaving.’
But it wasn’t just Christmas that was troubling her. ‘I don’t want you to go.’
She broke into noisy sobs and Daniel stared ahead, not really knowing how he felt himself, let alone what to say. He could point out that it was just for a year. But a year was for ever when you were five years old.
He wasn’t about to change his plans because his little sister kicked up. He was thirty-two, for God’s sake, he was hardly going to stick around because his father had decided to attempt to parent...
Only it wasn’t about his father.
‘I hardly see you any more,’ Maddie said.
‘We’ve been out tonight,’ Daniel pointed out.
‘Only because you’re saying goodbye. I don’t see you so much any more.’
Daniel hadn’t seen much of Maddie for the first couple of years of her life.
He and his father had barely been speaking when Maddie had been born. Daniel didn’t really approve of his father taking such a very young bride. In turn his father was furious that Daniel had decided he didn’t want to be a surgeon. When Maddison had been born, he had been pretty much told to stay back and that Amelia and Maddison were his father’s family now.
At first it had suited him fine. Daniel wasn’t exactly into babies and he’d just dropped off a birthday present or stood at the christening and things. But then Maddison the baby had become Maddie the two-year-old, with a smile and a cheeky personality that had soon endeared her to him.
And she was his family now.
Daniel didn’t want to be some distant figure so he had started to factor her more into his life.
Till last Christmas when Amelia had come on to him.
Daniel’s intention had been to be as far away as humanly possible this Christmas, to just stay out of his father’s life, only it wasn’t proving that easy.
‘Look,’ he said as the car pulled up at the picture-perfect house. ‘I don’t know what my plans are yet. I’ve got a lot of things going on now, Maddie. Grown-up stuff.’
‘I hate grown-up stuff.’
‘So do I.’
He really did.
‘Please can I see you for Christmas?’
Daniel wanted to be able to just say no. To go home and hop on the internet and choose a flight and hotel. He looked over at what had once been his family home and though there were few happy memories of his time there, it didn’t have to be that way for Maddie.
No, he would not stay for long but, yes, he could drop in and make a five-year-old happy on Christmas Day.
‘I’ll come around on Christmas Day to bring your present.’
Maddie gave a little squeal and smile and then climbed down from her seat, which Daniel collected, along with her school uniform.
Jessica came to the door and Daniel explained they’d had a good time, but that Maddie had just got a bit teary on the way home.
‘She doesn’t want you to leave.’ Jessica nodded.
‘Well, I’ll be there for a little while on Christmas Day.’
Jessica opened her mouth to say something and then changed her mind and just gave him a smile. ‘That’s good,’ she said.
Both knew that he was just delaying the inevitable—Maddie was going to be very upset when it really came time for him to leave.
His phone buzzed as he got back into the car and it was the agency he had signed up with, offering him various shifts. He was about to decline and point out that he had finished up.
Yet, given to what he’d agreed to for Maddie, he was here for at least another week.
‘Are you available to work Christmas Eve, nine a.m. until till four p.m., in Outpatients at The Primary Hospital?’
‘No,’ Daniel said.
‘Well, there’s a night shift on New Year’s Eve at the Royal.’
‘No, thank you!’ His response was a little sarcastic. There was no way that he’d work a night on New Year’s Eve, and especially not at the Royal, he had seen in way too many there. He was about to explain that he was no longer available when she offered him one more shift.
‘Well, you can’t blame me for trying. What about Christmas Eve in Emergency at The Primary?’
And maybe this shift was the one he had been holding out for and perhaps the reason he hadn’t taken himself completely off the books.
‘What time?’ Daniel asked.
‘Seven a.m. until four.’
Holly would be on that morning, Daniel knew.
But even though she sprang to mind first, it wasn’t just Holly that drew him back to The Primary. He liked the department and vibe there. He thought of Mr Edwards and Kay who had come to see him a valued part of the team, and he wanted to know how Nora’s husband was going.
There were worse places to spend Christmas Eve, Daniel reasoned.
One more shift and he could find out all that had been going on and see how Holly was doing and hopefully he could manage a much better goodbye than the tense, stilted farewell they had achieved today.
‘I’ll take it,’ Daniel agreed.
And so, if he was to be working on Christmas Eve, it meant that he needed to shop and so on the Saturday before Christmas, possibly the busiest shopping day of the year, he found himself back in the department store he had been to with Holly.
If he was going to stick to the Secret Santa budget then here really wasn’t the place.
Except he knew what to get Holly, and so Daniel spent three very long hours thinking of what to put in a tiny letter.
But where to start?
Given he was standing here weeks after the event, yes, it had been more than a one-night stand.
And yet he was leaving.
It was getting harder and harder to do that.
There was family, namely Maddie, who needed him, a potential consultant’s position at The Primary, which he was coming to love.
And there was Holly.
Yet there was so much more that he needed to sort out. His whole life had been spent failing to live up to his father’s expectations, and falling off the chosen path.
Daniel knew he needed to sort out what it was that he wanted, and to do that he needed to get away.
‘Your turn.’
Daniel looked down at a very harried and angry-looking lady dressed as an elf.
‘What do you want written?’
‘I haven’t...’ Daniel could feel the impatience in the people behind him. It had been more than a three-hour wait and he hadn’t yet made up his mind.
And then he decided and took a little seat and told the lady what he wanted to be written.
She started typing on her mini-keyboard.
‘That’s it?’ she checked.
‘That’s it,’ Daniel agreed.
‘Anything else?’ she checked, clearly less than impressed with Daniel’s attempt at expressing himself.
‘No.’
‘Well, I think you can do better than that.’
‘I wasn’t made aware that the letters got graded,’ Daniel told her.
‘The elves have all been trained—’
‘Stop!’ Daniel said. ‘We both know you’re not a real elf.’
She pursed her lips but after a brief standoff finally she hit ‘send’.
‘You can move down the line and watch your letter arrive.’
‘Thank you.’
Daniel moved along the line and waited by the magic chute, scarcely able to believe he was doing this. He pressed cynical lips together as he thought of the computer and printer beneath the festive arrangement and then out it came—his letter to Holly.
He was asked to verify that it was indeed his letter and Daniel peered through a magnifying glass and read it.
Despite the fake elf’s misgivings, Daniel worried that it actually said too much...but he nodded in agreement and then watched the glassblower work his magic.
It had cost a fortune.
It wasn’t the money, or the time it took to make it, it was the fact that it was the closest he had come to sharing what was in his heart.
It was stay or go.
And staying felt harder.