‘WHEN YOU SAY “FORGOT...”?’
‘They forgot completely,’ Holly said.
‘Tell me.’
‘No.’ Holly shook her head. ‘You’ve just admitted that you basically had no Christmas at all growing up, so it seems a bit shallow to be upset about missing out on one birthday.’
‘How old were you?’ Daniel asked.
‘I was six, turning seven.’
So not a whole lot older than Maddie was now, and he could just imagine the hurt it would cause his little sister.
‘Tell me,’ he said, and his voice was kind and she found that she wanted to.
Silly, that some silly childhood memory could make her eyes burn all these years later.
‘Usually we had birthday cake for breakfast on Christmas Day and I opened my presents and then we’d all go through to the lounge and Christmas Day would start. We still do that, though we have champagne now too. It was just one year...’ Her voice trailed off as she recalled her confusion when they’d gone straight through to the lounge. And how she’d tried not to cry as she’d opened her presents. ‘I kept thinking they were just pretending that they’d forgotten and then I realised they actually had. Now I look back I can see it had been a difficult year for my mum. My Uncle Harry had been in hospital—he’ll be there tomorrow... Drunkle Harry.’
Daniel smiled.
‘And Adam, my brother, had been sick with bronchiolitis.’
‘When did they remember?’
‘When I went to bed. Mum came in to say goodnight.’
‘Were you crying?’
‘No, I had my nervous smile on!’ Holly said, and they both laughed but then both fell silent.
She stared out of the window, recalling that odd day, and she knew that the tears in her eyes had little to do with some long-ago memory.
It was a little like how Daniel made her feel now.
As if something that was so terribly important to her meant very little to him.
If she hadn’t pushed that envelope under his nose, if Kay hadn’t prompted him, she’d be minus a chocolate stocking now.
Exactly!
And while, yes, he’d come out to make up for their row, if her car hadn’t broken down they’d have already gone their separate ways by now.
Soon she would be forgotten.
* * *
Finally his chirpy passenger was silent and Daniel got the peace he had craved, except he rather missed her incessant chatter.
The traffic was barely moving and to fill the silence he turned the radio on and listened to the carols.
Another half a mile, another half an hour.
And still Holly said nothing.
She took out some Christmas cards from her bag and started to write them but after a couple she gave in and put them in the door pocket. She was tired of being peppy and ensuring that everyone was happy.
Blue lights were flashing up the hard shoulder, though it was the police and fire brigade that were passing them, rather than ambulances.
‘Have a look on your phone,’ Daniel said, ‘and see what’s happening.’
‘A lorry has lost its load,’ Holly said.
‘We might need to think about getting off at the next exit.’
‘We can’t,’ Holly said as she went through the traffic updates. ‘There’s flash flooding and the exit is closed.’
And she expected a hiss of frustration from Daniel but instead he gave a soft laugh. ‘Of course it is.’ He looked ahead. ‘We might have to find somewhere to stay the night.’
‘I’m really sorry for messing up your Christmas,’ Holly said.
‘There was no Christmas to mess up.’
‘Oh, that’s right, it’s just another day.’
She simply could not get how she could be so crazy about someone who cared so little about the things that mattered to her and she actually told him so.
‘I’m glad that we’re not going anywhere,’ Holly said.
‘It might start moving.’
‘I’m not talking about the traffic,’ Holly admitted, and raised the awkward subject in the hope of clearing the air. ‘I’m talking about my mythical us.’
Daniel smiled.
‘You’d buy me shoes or something for Christmas.’
‘I would,’ Daniel said, and then frowned. ‘Don’t women like shoes?’
‘Not the flat work ones that you’d get for me. No, it would be a combined Christmas and birthday present that I’d get from you and one of those horrible cheap cards.’
‘I don’t do cards.’
‘Exactly!’ Holly said, and then she sighed. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t stick to my end of the deal. I always knew I’d be lousy at one-night stands. I really need to loosen up.’
‘Then do.’
‘It’s easier said than done.’
‘It is easy, though,’ Daniel told her. ‘Just think of sex as fun.’
He’d used the F-word again but now it made her smile.
‘How?’
‘You just don’t go looking for a deeper meaning in everything, just, as they say, enjoy the ride.’
‘Ha-ha.’
‘So what did you get me for Christmas?’ Daniel asked, because he really was curious to know.
‘Didn’t you even open it?’
‘Nope.’
‘Then you can find out tomorrow. What did you get for Maddie?’
‘The necklace you didn’t like,’ Daniel said.
‘I didn’t know then that she was five! She’ll love it.’
‘I hope so. And she’ll find out tomorrow that she’s adopted an elephant.’
‘What did you get for your father?’
‘A book.’
‘Amelia?’
‘A diary.’
Holly screwed up her nose.
‘We don’t get on.’
‘Have you ever tried?’
‘Once,’ Daniel said. ‘Not at first, though. My father and I fell out when he started dating Amelia. I didn’t approve of the age difference. I found it embarrassing actually, and it was clear to me she was just there for the money. Still, once Maddie was born I decided to make more effort...’
‘Because you realised they were in love?’
‘No, Polly,’ Daniel said, and turned and smiled. ‘Because Amelia is as shallow as my father is distant and I wanted someone to actually be present for the child.’
The traffic was at a complete standstill. She could see the red brake lights snaking for miles into the distance and the car moved forward about a hand space every five minutes or so.
‘I worry about Maddie,’ he admitted. ‘She’s being raised by nannies and neither of them could be bothered to show up for her nativity play.’ Daniel gripped the wheel. ‘He just doesn’t get it.’
‘Have you spoken to him?’
Daniel said nothing.
Well, he had been about to give a derisive laugh and say something like ‘As if that’s going to change anything,’ but instead he stayed silent as he thought some more about doing just that.
Again.
‘I tried to when she was born,’ Daniel admitted. ‘It probably wasn’t the best time. I had just turned down a surgical position in favour of Emergency. He told me that just as I clearly didn’t want career advice from him, likewise he didn’t need parenting advice.’
‘It sounds like he does.’
The Christmas carols were still playing on the radio, all happy and jolly, and it was Holly who turned it off.
‘Thanks.’
Daniel actually appreciated it.
‘Why are you leaving?’ Holly asked. ‘It sounds like you want to be there for your sister.’
‘I do,’ he agreed. ‘But I can’t be.’
He knew she didn’t understand so he decided to explain. After all, there was no chance of her ever meeting Amelia. ‘I really tried to put aside my doubts about the marriage. Last year my father was working and I took Maddie and Amelia to a pantomime and I did all the big-brother stuff. Then Amelia said she wanted to decorate Maddie’s room as a surprise and could I help pick out some paper...’
‘What did you say?’ Holly asked, and her antennae were up.
He could almost see them rising out of her fluffy dark hair and homing in, and, Daniel thought, for someone so sweet she was also rather shrewd.
‘I said, no, that there were interior designers for all that and I chalked it up as odd but...’ He held out his hand and made a wavy sign that said that the jury had remained out about the small incident but it had seemed odd at the time.
Holly nodded to show she agreed with his take on things.
‘Then last Christmas I was invited over, as I have been for the past couple of years. I generally go for dinner, and for Maddie’s birthdays and things. Her family were there and Amelia was a bit tense and hitting the mulled wine and then brandy, and then...’
‘What happened?’
‘I fell asleep on the sofa and while I was gone her family went home, Maddie went for a sleep and my father went to his club. I woke up and she was sitting beside where I lay and she said she was miserable and that though the money was lovely and everything he was old and she wanted young and, well, he’d never have to find out...’
Oh! She wanted to open the car door and get out onto the freezing motorway just to cool her cheeks.
‘We didn’t do anything.’
‘I never asked.’
‘Well, just so you know. Anyway, I don’t really need you to believe me.’ Actually, he did. ‘Even if I’d wanted to, which I didn’t, there would have been serious technical issues.’
‘So, what did you say to her?’
‘Not much.’ Daniel sat silent for a moment as he recalled it. ‘I told her it wouldn’t be happening and got my jacket and went home. Since then I do my best to stay away.’
‘I see.’
‘Until September this year I worked at the same hospital as my father so it was pretty easy to find out what was going on and to only go over if Amelia was away. She goes on a lot of trips,’ Daniel explained. ‘I actually hadn’t seen her since that day until the department store.’
‘Okay, you’re forgiven for not introducing me.’
He turned and she was wearing a smile, though not a nervous one.
‘Embarrassing, isn’t it?’ he said.
‘For her, I guess,’ Holly said. ‘Did you tell your father?’
‘Good God, no!’ Daniel sounded shocked at the very thought. ‘I think I have to just accept that I’m not very good at family Christmases.’
‘Oh, I don’t know about that,’ Holly said. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong, your father doesn’t know and your little sister’s none the wiser. I’d say you handled it all rather well.’
Daniel gave a small laugh.
No one knew, and certainly he hadn’t envisaged telling anyone, but now that he had he felt lighter.
Holly, though, was grumbling as she again checked her phone for a traffic report.
‘I’m starting to think I wasn’t meant to get home for Christmas.’
‘So is everyone else who is stuck in the jam,’ Daniel said, and then he was practical, ‘We can get off the motorway at the next available exit and try and find somewhere to stay the night or we can press on.’
It was long after ten p.m. A three-hour trip had already turned into six.
‘I don’t want to ruin your Christmas,’ Holly started, and then thought about the long drive home he would have tomorrow. ‘I’ve already ruined it.’
‘Holly.’ Daniel looked over and but Holly didn’t look back, she was till reading the road report on her phone as if staring at it might make things change.
Her Christmas earrings had almost stopped flashing. Like the black box missing in a plane they still emitted the occasional hopeful bleep that Christmas cheer could still be found.
And they were right to hope, for Daniel found himself telling her something truly real...
‘This is the nicest Christmas I’ve ever had.’