THEY LAY AFTERWARDS, both a little stunned by what had taken place.
She had never known just how beautiful sex could be and Daniel had done all he could not to find out.
The only sound now was the rain and they lay on their backs, idly holding hands as their breathing slowed down, and Holly knew, with absolute clarity, the moment he regretted it.
His hand let go of hers and raked through his hair. The sound then was one of tense silence.
‘We didn’t—’ he started.
‘I was there, Daniel,’ Holly interrupted. She didn’t need to be told that they hadn’t used a condom.
He nodded, only it wasn’t contraception that was troubling him, it was the closeness, the absolute abandon that he had never felt with another.
He couldn’t pretend that they hadn’t just crossed the line.
And neither could Holly.
Had he tied a red ribbon around it last night and shouted Surprise! well, maybe she could have chalked it down to experience, albeit a new one.
This, though, felt like she had just handed over her soul, only for it to be promptly handed back.
‘Are you on the Pill?’
There were many ways this question could be asked, Holly thought. A necessary way, like a doctor. The hopeful way of a lover wanting to pounce.
Or the Daniel way—please, God, tell me you are.
She didn’t answer and he got up and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching for his jeans.
‘Yes, I’m on the Pill,’ she finally said, just to put him out of his obvious misery.
Daniel nodded but said nothing.
And she stopped trying.
It was quite a feat for Holly, but she just stopped trying to pretend that this was okay and didn’t even bother to wish him a happy Christmas, she just pulled on her pyjamas and headed out to get ready.
Daniel pulled on his jeans, loathing his own silence.
And just like the last time there were repercussions.
Big ones.
He was staring down the barrel of a future but he couldn’t get a clear shot for all the obstacles that were in the way.
Hell, he couldn’t even promise to be there for his sister when she needed him to stay.
‘I’m ready.’
Holly stood at the door, but of course it wasn’t that easy. They’d made quite a mess last night. He threw the remnants of their picnic in the bin and she packed up a few things.
And they were done.
‘Do you want this?’ He held up the bottle of Scotch and she took it in almost a snatch.
And whereas they should have been lingering in bed and then heading down for breakfast, instead they were signing the guest register to Mrs Barrett’s disapproving eyes when Holly had to put down the bottle to pick up the pen!
They drove in strained silence on a now clear motorway.
Holly’s earrings had stopped flashing and, from his reaction to the morning’s events, all hope for them was gone.
‘It’s left here,’ Holly said, even though his phone told them to take a right. ‘It’s just a bit quicker.’
The village looked gorgeous and they passed a pretty old pub and she already missed the lazy weekend afternoons the mythical ‘us’ could have spent there.
Had the closeness between them not completely gone.
Had he had the guts to follow his heart.
‘Do you want to come in for breakfast?’ Holly offered, even though she knew the answer.
‘No.’
‘Why?’ Holly asked, because she needed to hear it.
Daniel stared out at the sleety street and there were times when you really did have to be cruel to be kind and so he gave Holly her answer. ‘Because it would mean something to you. Because in Holly’s world when the guy she’s just slept with comes to her parents’ it means something more.’
And she could say, no, it’s just breakfast and my mother would never expect me to let you drop me off and not invite you to come in.
But that would be a lie.
If Daniel came in then so too would hope.
‘You’re right.’
‘I can’t play happy families, Holly.’
‘You don’t even want to try.’
‘No.’ Because over and over it had failed to work out. ‘I’m going to go,’ Daniel said, ‘and you’re going to go in and have a wonderful Christmas with your family.’
He got out of the car and started to unload her bags.
‘You’re not going to change your mind, are you?’
‘No.’
‘Are you going to go to your father’s?’
‘I’ll drop off the presents and then I’m going to go home and catch up on some sleep.’
And it hurt that he’d rather get back on the motorway and spend Christmas alone than come in and spend Christmas with her.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ Holly admitted.
She should leave it there really, given him a wave and show what a good detached lover she could be.
That wasn’t her, though, and so, just as he climbed back into his car to leave, Holly spoke.
‘I don’t get you.’
‘Holly, let’s not do this.’
‘No, let’s.’ Holly’s smile was black. ‘You see, Daniel, I don’t think you’re an utter bastard. A bit of one perhaps but if you really thought I was going to go and get stupid ideas about us from sex, you’d never have got into that crinoline bed last night. I think you’d have slept on the floor, or even in the car, rather than hurt me. And I also believe if a quick shag was what you’d wanted this morning, then for my sake you’d have managed to resist.’ And then she said it. ‘But it wasn’t a quick shag.’
‘Oh, that’s right, we made love.’
He could be as sarcastic and derisive as he chose to be, but, as she’d said this morning, Holly had been there too.
And she could point that out to him, but the war was won and Daniel was the victor.
‘I’m done,’ Holly said. ‘I really am. I’ve made enough of a fool of myself over you. And I’m not going to say thank you for the lift because the truth is I wish you’d never come out to the car park yesterday.’
‘I came out because I didn’t want us to end on a row.’
‘Do you know what?’ Holly retorted. ‘It would have been far easier on me if it had.’
She staggered off under the weight of presents and this time she didn’t turn around.
Her mother must have been peeking out of the window though because the door opened before she had to work out how to knock.
‘Hi, darling, where’s your friend?’
‘He’s not coming in.’
‘Oh! But surely—’
‘Mum!’ Holly said. ‘Please.’
If it wasn’t Christmas Day she would love to run to her old room fling herself on her bed and cry but, of course, she couldn’t.
Instead, she took her bags into the lounge and placed them beside the tree.
And she kept on hoping, so much so that she half expected a knock on the door and for Daniel to say he’d changed his mind, and maybe he’d stay for breakfast.
Instead, with all the bags by the tree, she stood and walked to the window, just in time to see him drive off.
And that was it, Holly knew.
She was never going to see him again.
They were done.
There was no time to process it, though.
Breakfast, as was traditional in the Jacobs family, was birthday cake. Holly blew out her candles and opened her birthday present from her parents and it was a gorgeous pair of earrings.
She took out her cheap Christmas ones that had now completely stopped flashing and replaced them with her lovely new silver ones.
Then it was champagne with orange juice, though Holly just had orange juice because she was working tonight.
It was smiles and happy all round and Holly joined in, even if she felt as if a part of her had died.
Adam loved his necklace and in turn she loved the travel wallet he had bought, and they traded their gifts with a smile.
Then relatives started to descend and there were parsnips to peel and stuffing to make and then Drunkle Harry and co. arrived.
‘I’ll take up your coats,’ Holly said.
She went up to her old bedroom and took a breath.
‘Holly?’
She turned around as her mother came in and saw that she was holding a snowman bag.
‘Is everything okay?’
‘Of course it is.’ Holly smiled her brightest smile but at the last moment it wavered and Holly was appalled with herself when a tear slipped out and she quickly wiped it away.
‘Holly?’
She shook her head, because she was simply not able to talk about Daniel without breaking down.
‘Is it your friend that wouldn’t come in?’ Esther checked, and Holly nodded.
‘I don’t want to talk about it now,’ Holly said, and her voice was all shaky. ‘I don’t want to start crying and ruin Christmas.’
‘I seem to remember saying that just over a year ago,’ Esther said. ‘I sat in the doctor’s and I wanted one more perfect Christmas...’
‘And we did.’
‘Holly, it was awful. Your dad kept slipping out to cry, I burnt the turkey. Harry got so drunk...’
Holly started to laugh. ‘It was still a good Christmas.’
‘It turned out to be,’ Esther agreed.
In the end they’d all had loads to drink and watched a sad film, which had been a good excuse to cry and just relax and stop pretending they were brave.
‘You know, I remember when I forgot your birthday...’ They just sat there on Holly’s old bed and chalked up all the Christmas fails.
‘You remembered it that evening,’ Holly said. ‘And I got a puppy out of it.’
‘You did,’ Esther sighed. ‘Please tell me what’s going on, Holly’
And Holly was about to point out that they could do this another time, but then her mum’s hand came over hers.
‘I know I’ve been difficult lately,’ Esther said. ‘But I can still be here for you.’
It had indeed been a long year, one where at times Holly had felt like she’d lost her mum, but it would seem that she was back now.
It was the best gift to have a cuddle from her mum instead of the other way around.
‘The guy who gave me the lift home,’ Holly said. ‘Daniel. I like him a lot, well, I more than like him. I think he feels a bit the same yet he says we’re going nowhere. In fact, he’s heading overseas...’ She gave a pale smile. ‘He couldn’t make it any clearer that’s he’s not interested in anything long term but...’
‘You still want more.’
‘Yes,’ Holly said. ‘I’ve never really felt this way before about anyone, not even close.’ The one time she had, it hadn’t been reciprocated. ‘It’s probably for the best, we’d never have worked out. I don’t think he has a romantic bone in his body and he’s not into Christmas. He’s hardly even seeing his family, he just wants to go home to bed...’ She shook her head as if to clear it. ‘I can’t believe I’ve fallen for someone who’d rather sleep his way through Christmas Day than be with his family.’ Holly stood, even though her mum still sat there. ‘Come on, we’d better go down.’
‘You missed a present,’ Esther said, and took a box out of the snowman bag.
‘From who?’ Holly frowned.
‘I don’t know,’ Esther said. ‘I was clearing the paper away when I found it. You brought it with you.’
‘No.’
It was a silver box covered in fake snow with a silver bow, and it looked terribly like the ones she had seen in the department store. In fact, it looked a lot like the gift she had been considering getting Daniel.
It couldn’t be.
Surely?
She looked at the name on the card.
To Holly
I hope you have the wonderful Christmas that you deserve.
Secret Santa
Holly tried not to get her hopes up but her hands were shaking as she undid the bow.
It had to be from him.
She gasped as she saw a glass ball decorated with her name in silver, and delicate outlines of holly in jewelled green.
What captivated her, though, was the tiny silver envelope inside the glass that had her name on.
‘Who’s it from?’ Esther asked.
‘Him.’
‘I thought you said he wasn’t romantic.’
‘He’s not.’
‘And that he wasn’t into Christmas.’
‘He isn’t.’
Except Daniel had given her the most beautiful, romantic, Christmassy gift in the world.
It was actually the perfect gift, Holly thought as she held it up and the ball spun round, catching the light, but right now it was the letter inside that entranced her.
When would he have put it in her bag? Holly wondered. While they were at the bed and breakfast? But, no, he must have had it before that and then she realised it must have been when they had dragged her parcels in from the car.
When he’d thought she would never see him again.
Oh, it was so much better than a chocolate stocking!
And so-o-o much more frustrating!
‘I don’t see the point,’ her father said as Holly hung it on the tree. ‘Why would you go to the bother of writing a note that the other person isn’t going to read?’
‘I’m not sure,’ Holly admitted.
‘It’s like those fire alarms,’ mused Drunkle Harry. ‘In case of emergency, break the glass.’
‘There won’t be any emergencies, Uncle Harry.’ Holly smiled. ‘He probably regrets buying it now. He told me he doesn’t want me. I shan’t be seeing him again.’