Oh, family.
Oh, them.
Where to begin? Like the IRS, your family exists to fuck with you. Family—and all its group photos, weddings, bar and bat mitzvahs, christenings, quinceañeras, all-inclusive vacations, group-therapy sessions, right-wing uncles, sibling rivalries, drama, and grudges—promotes constant, daily fuck-giving.
Like the certain (some might say, inordinately large) percentage of your income that automatically goes to taxes, a certain percentage of your fucks go straight to Family. And on top of that, somehow the consequences of those fucks given (or not given) seem weightier than those derived from Things, Work, and Friends/Acquaintances/Strangers combined. It’s like we’re all afraid of being audited by our cousins.
Why is that? you ask. I have one word for you: Guilt.
Once you feel guilty, you have already failed at not giving a fuck. Game over. Because feeling guilty means you have not been able to effectively use the tools and perspective I’ve taught you to not only not give a fuck, but to feel happier doing it.
Guilt is not a happy feeling. It’s more like that feeling when you have a sudden, agonizing itch in your crotch area but you’re surrounded by people and you can’t dig in after it and you’re just dying to get some relief. That is what guilt feels like.
Not giving a fuck should always result in greater pleasure, satisfaction, and happiness. Not crotch itch.
Which makes it even more important to study the NotSorry Method and use every tool at your disposal to unplug the family guilt machine before it can suck you in and spit you out like that Nordic assassin did with a corpse and a wood chipper in Fargo.
If at all possible, try to steer clear of that outcome.
As you may recall, earlier in the book I talked a little bit about obligation and how it pertains to family. It is a truth universally acknowledged that family members tend to think other family members have to give a fuck about their lives just because they share DNA.
Think about that for a second. Does it make any sense at all? No, it does not.
One of the central tenets of fuck-giving is choice over obligation. You want to be able to choose how to spend your time, energy, and money so that you maximize the enjoyment of any given relationship, task, product, or event. Things you can control vs. things you can’t.
And as we all know, you don’t get to choose your family. So at the very least, you should get to choose how and why you interact with them. Right?
Right?!?
Well, let’s at least give it a shot.
Let’s say your mother, bless her nostalgic, micromanage-y little heart, is trying to unload her mother’s (your grandmother’s) Royal Heidelberg china on you, and you really don’t want it. You feel this affects only you, because you’re the one who has to store it and pretend to like it and use it when your parents come over—but you know that in reality it affects your mother too, because she is affected by literally everything you do. (You came out of her vagina.) So if you refuse to accept this “gift” from the woman who squeezed you through her tender young cervix, you are almost certainly going to hurt her feelings.
So… time to drop “opinions vs. feelings” on her, right?
Ah, but even though it is really just your mother’s opinion that you should care about the family china, she can’t separate that from her feelings about her mother/your grandmother, who will never even know you have the teacups in your possession, because she is dead. (My condolences.)
You then run multiple scenarios in your head and determine that it’s hopeless because even if you are honest and ultrapolite, your mother is likely to have her feelings hurt no matter what you say. You conclude that you should suck it up and pretend you give a fuck about the teacups.
This frustration is common when dealing with family. You just want to throw up your hands and submit because OBLIGATION and GUILT.
I’m here to tell you, there are alternatives.
Of course, I can’t claim to absolve you of all guilty inclinations toward your family—that’s what prescription benzodiazepines are for—but this section of the book will help you determine which aspects of your family life are truly fuck-worthy and/or nonnegotiable. Yes, sometimes you just have to suck it up and give a fuck when it comes to family, but I can show you how to reframe your fucks to get the most out of a less-than-ideal situation. Remember: you are a part of your family, and you deserve to be happy too.
As it turns out, we all share many of the same opinions when it comes to things we don’t give a fuck about with regard to our families. I know this because I conducted an anonymous survey asking people to name something about their families that features high on their No-Fucks-Given list, and even I was shocked at how many overlapping responses cascaded in. (I told you family was a fucking minefield.)
So let’s play our own version of everyone’s favorite game show where moms make uncomfortable, vaguely lewd on-air banter with Steve Harvey… FAMILY FEUD!
The question in my survey was “Name something about your family that you don’t give a fuck about.” Read on for the top six results, from least to most popular.
About five minutes ago, I declared that it makes no sense whatsoever to give a fuck about anyone or anything just because of your genetic link to that person or thing. With the exception of your own offspring, who you kind of owe since you brought them into this world—at least until they’re old enough to fend for themselves—you are simply not obligated to give these fucks. You might think you are. But you are not. And a lot of you seem to know that already, so maybe there’s hope for you after all.
Each of us is a pretty, pretty snowflake. No two exactly the same. Even identical twins! (It’s true; look it up.) So how in the name of Gemini can we all be expected to like one another all the time and want to hang out constantly? Family members who enforce unwanted togetherness among siblings or cousins or grandchildren who don’t like one another are giving a fuck about all the wrong things.
I wasn’t expecting this to rank so high, but, boy oh boy, do people hate taking group photos with family. The point, it seems to me, is that very few of you give a fuck about the photo itself. You’ll see it on Facebook tomorrow, click an obligatory “Like” and then forget about it. We no longer live in a world where people spend quality time on Friday night swilling gin martinis and poring over family photo albums. (Did anyone ever live in that world?) The inherent disregard for the photo is compounded by—as many responders indicated—the fact of the photo being taken “last minute” (nobody likes a sneak attack) or by “being forced to dress alike” (nobody wants to look like a member of an Australian shampoo dynasty*). Again, this is a numbers game; if a good chunk of family members don’t want to pose for the formal group photo, they ALL need to man up and decide not to give a fuck. Majority rules!
Sibling rivalries, grudges, petty arguments, and DRAMA!!! populated the survey like “famous” potato salad recipes at a family reunion. It’s pretty clear that nobody gives a fuck about who said what, whose fault it was, or which one of us Mom likes better. (Hi, Tom! Thanks for reading my book.)
As families grow and relatives die off, so should some traditions. And yet, many of us seem to be locked into a Groundhog Day –style malaise when it comes to annual events and outdated rituals related to holidays, vacations, and other family gatherings. Thanksgiving might as well be renamed “Fucksgiving.” Religious holidays like Christmas, Easter, and Hanukkah are double the dogma, double the fucks. That rustic cabin your dad has rented every Labor Day since 1986? Thirty years later, it’s now so dilapidated that you’d be better off skipping the vacation and spending the weekend with your own kids in the ER getting tetanus shots. In the same way that “just because we’re related doesn’t mean I have to give a fuck about X,” just because this is how your family has always done something doesn’t mean this is how you have to do it until the end of time. A respectful difference of opinion delivered with a little honesty and politeness could do wonders for you here. Or, if all else fails, a personal policy against rustic cabins.
Well, it was a tie.
That these two ideological quagmires were put forth over and over and over again by the survey participants means they each merit a good old-fashioned NotSorry breakdown.
Let’s start with religion. It’ll be like an exorcism. A fucksorcism, if you will.
This is a classic case of getting back to our roots, and to that very first element of the NotSorry Method: deciding not to give a fuck about what other people think. Your religious views affect you and only you—same goes for your aunt Jennifer in all her Southern Baptist glory, glory, hallelujahs. She has her opinions, you have yours. If you are honest and polite about your difference of opinion and you request that religion no longer be a topic of discussion among family, you are not being an asshole. You are being reasonable, and if anyone gets his or her feelings hurt, it’s not your fault.
Let me give that the “Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting” treatment:
It’s not your fault.
It’s not your fault.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
So the next time Aunt Jennifer makes a not-so-subtle reference to your proclivity for living in sin with your girlfriend, just wipe the eggs Benedict off your chin and say, “I respect your opinion, Auntie J, but I would prefer not to have a conversation about our religious differences here at Mimi and Paw-Paw’s sixtieth-wedding-anniversary brunch.”
How honest and polite was that? You are so not the asshole here.
Just try it. You might be surprised at how well it goes over. Or at least at how totally caught off guard she is and therefore unable to respond with more than a nervous titter and the raising of one overplucked eyebrow.
The power of honesty cannot be overrated. I can’t tell you how many more fucks you wind up giving when you try to beat around the bush. God, even that expression sounds exhausting.
The thing is, I’m guessing you haven’t even tried this method before because you got so caught up in the obligation/shame/guilt spiral that you felt paralyzed. Weak. Willing to spend twenty precious minutes being passive-aggressively harangued over your religious beliefs (or lack of them) to avoid what you perceive as an even more difficult confrontation.
Wouldn’t it feel good to just say what you mean and mean what you say? Just… do unto others as you would have them do unto you? I mean, it’s right there in the Bible.
Here I’m going to offer a personal story to illustrate just how much I believe in the NotSorry Method and how it has worked for me. Names have been changed to protect the identities of certain family members, but the circumstances are, I assure you, 100 percent real. Those involved might read this book someday and recognize themselves, but they need feel no shame. NotSorry is about living your best life—and they don’t want to be on the other end of my political grandstanding any more than I do on theirs.
Unlike an election, everybody wins!
One evening, my husband and I were enjoying a lovely dinner with two family members when the topic of our nation’s then-president—and the veracity and completeness of his birth certificate—surfaced over a plate of delicious fried seafood. Allegations were leveled, opinions were expressed, and before it could turn into a long-form debate, I looked each family member right in the eye and said, “Dick, Jane, I love you, but we are not having this conversation.” Then I turned to my husband—who shares my political views but who wants to talk about them an awful lot more than I think is necessary—and said, “I mean it.”
There wasn’t even a hint of hurt feelings. We changed the subject, had some laughs, licked the last of the tartar sauce from our fingers, and trundled off into the night.
THAT is how a family dinner should be. And it can be, if you budget your fucks accordingly.
Shame is lonely and isolating, and guilt is a direct result of shame. I offer my research results in order to show that you are not alone. Plenty of other random strangers from all over the world took my survey and proved that they share one another’s lack of fucks on any number of hot-button family issues.
Which means it’s entirely possible that several members of your own family get just as riled up as you do when Uncle Jim uses the Christmas ham as his personal soapbox or Cousin Renée forces kabbalah bracelets on all of the guests at your rehearsal dinner.
And if you’re not alone, then you don’t need to feel so much shame over your decision to not give a fuck.
There is safety in numbers. By harnessing the power of consensus, you will feel better equipped to decide when you well and truly don’t give a fuck, and to proceed with confidence.
My husband and I have a policy with regard to Thanksgiving, and it’s served us very well. Please feel free to steal or amend it for your own benefit:
We have three sets of family to see in any given year. Unlike Orphan Black, we can’t be in three places at once. AND WE DO NOT WANT TO PLAY FAVORITES. So about eight or nine years ago, we told our families that we were starting a three-year rotation and that henceforth, we’d be doing the holiday with each group in a prescribed order, no exceptions. Nobody gets to double up because this year Aunt Marie has a big birthday or because the cousins got a great deal on an eight-person cruise (and they need us to make the head count), or because somebody has a new girlfriend we need to meet. Talk to me if she’s still around next time we get to your year. I even skipped my fifteenth high-school reunion because it took place during my in-laws’ Thanksgiving year (not that I particularly gave a fuck about the reunion, but that’s beside the point). Rigid? Sure, but nobody’s feelings get hurt, and that is truly something to be thankful for.
Well, well, well. The finish line is in sight!
We’ve almost reached the end of our Four Categories of Potential Fuck-Giving, and if I’ve done my job, you’re already reaping some life-changing magic. At the very least, you’ve been introduced to some new tools and strategies for getting what you want out of life, and you feel validated knowing there are other people out there just like you who want (or don’t want) those same things.
But before we close the book on Family, there’s one more subcategory that begs to be addressed. It cajoles. It pressures. It demands attention. You know what (who) I’m talking about.
Remember what I said about choice? Well, unless you are born into a culture that enforces arranged marriage, you do get to choose your spouse, but you do not get to choose your in-laws. If that’s what marriage was about, we’d be a one-night-stand economy.
Yes, by getting married, you’ve essentially doubled your family fuck-giving in one fell swoop. It’s sort of like when you get a bonus at work, and you’re like, “Awesome!” and then the IRS proceeds to tax it at 50 percent, and you’re like, “WTF?”
Your in-laws are basically a package deal; what you really wanted to ride home off the lot was your spouse, but the dealership threw in some extra people for free. Some of them could wind up being nice perks, like those armrests in the backseat with built-in cup holders; others… maybe not so much.
But as with your own family, which you did not choose to be born into, it is perfectly acceptable to parcel out your fucks to your in-laws according to what minimizes your annoy (and maximizes your joy) while treating everyone in a respectful way.
It certainly helps if you and your spouse can get on the same page with regard to your collective fucks, and if you can agree to divide and conquer.
For example, if a member of your family is getting married, having a baby, turning a year older, or celebrating any milestone that typically encourages gift-giving, the household time and energy allocated toward acquiring that gift should probably fall on your shoulders. And if the gift is meant for someone on your spouse’s side of Ancestry.com, he or she should handle it. (May I suggest simply gifting everyone a copy of this book?)
There’s no way around it; there are going to be many daily (or semiannual) line items added to your Fuck Budget when you inherit a bunch of new family members. But if you think about it—they inherited you too. And your religious values, and your political views, and your holiday traditions, and your aversion to dressing in matching turtlenecks for group photos.
When it comes to not giving a fuck, you might have more in common than you realize!
Therefore, by practicing the NotSorry Method as it pertains to your in-laws, you can ignite a chain reaction that culminates in an increase of happiness and harmony—and a decrease of fucks given—for all involved.
This is the last time you’ll have to venture inside your mental barn, and the Family fucks you’ve been storing in there are probably buried three-deep under a blanket of cobwebs and resentment. You have my sympathy. Like holiday decorations, Family fucks take up valuable space even in the middle of June—but once you dust ’em off and haul those fuckers out into the light, most of your work is done.
So make that final list, and make it count!
And there you have it! By now, you’ve acquired the tools for deciding whether or not you give a fuck and sorted all your potential fucks into manageable categories. You’ve waltzed around your mental barn and shone your metaphorical flashlight into its darkest corners, illuminating the fucks you’ve been collecting in there since… well, since before you read this book.
Step 1 of the NotSorry Method—deciding what you don’t give a fuck about—is well within your grasp.
You should have four exhaustive lists of things you may or may not give a fuck about from each of your four categories. (And a numbness in your lower extremities.) The good news is, now we can get to the fun part—crossing things off!
Remember as you go that “giving a fuck” is akin to spending your time, energy, and/or money on anything that made it onto one of your lists. By crossing something out and NOT giving that fuck, you should GAIN more time, energy, and/or money to spend on everything else.
First, you need a giant black marker. Because there is nothing more satisfying than crossing things out with a giant black marker. Some might even call it a “magic” marker…
Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Then, as you sit on the floor for the final time among your inventory lists—the physical manifestation of your mental barn–decluttering tour—take note of which fucks evoke those feelings of joy or annoy in your heart, your head, and your gut.
An agreeable fluttering in the chest or groin? Joy! Let your magic marker pass over these items like the Angel of Death passed over the firstborn sons of Israel.
Palpitations, dread, nausea? All of these are criteria for crossing off a fuck or three.
Finally, in her book, Marie Kondo advises thanking each object—a dress, a handbag, etc.—for its service before discarding it. But I’m not so sure the items on your no-fucks list deserve thanks, are you? They’ve drained your time, energy, and money for too long.
No, what I want you to do is this:
As your black marker hovers over those that annoy, touches down, and inscribes decisive strokes through the fucks you’re about to stop giving, you should utter a quiet, ceremonial “Fuck you” to each and every one.
Feels good, doesn’t it?
Now you’re almost ready to take Step 2 and then start amassing magical, life-changing rewards! I’m delighted at how far you’ve come in such a short time. But hey, juuuuuust to make sure we’re on the same page here, what about the things you didn’t cross off your list?
Sure you don’t want to rethink any of those?
There may be some things that are still sitting there because you thought, Eh, it’s not like this comes up very often. Probably easier to just give the fuck and not deal with the fallout.
Have I taught you nothing?
Maybe I wasn’t clear enough—and for that I accept full responsibility—so let’s just go over the concept of the Broken Windows theory one more time. If you continue to give your fucks willy-nilly to things that annoy, those fucks will continue to be expected of you. Like useless paperwork and Keeping Up with the Kardashians reruns, this is a vicious cycle.
Remember how a personal policy sets a precedent, in a positive way? Giving a fuck also sets a precedent—and makes it exponentially harder to stop giving that fuck in the future.
If you have already committed to doing the time-consuming work of sorting your fucks into categories and making your lists and drawing up your Fuck Budgets, then why take the easy way out and continue to spend your fuck bucks on things that annoy, just because they only come around once or twice a year?
By that logic, you will never achieve enlightenment. But you will spend every Christmas hungover and caroling in ten-degree weather wearing a stupid sweater.
Finally, if you’ve consulted the flowchart here, worked your steps, and determined that there are indeed things on your lists that you give a fuck about, then go ahead, give them! Giving a fuck is easy. You don’t need me for that. (Though I thank you for your patronage.)
For everything else, it’s time to put Step 2 of the NotSorry Method—not giving a fuck—into action.