I hope and trust that this has been a useful exercise. The Honesty and Politeness Matrices are designed to show that the NotSorry Method is simple, but not inflexible. It can work for different people in different ways, depending on the circumstances.
Just don’t wind up in the Asshole Quadrant, and you’ll be all set!
When it comes to weddings or just life in general, if the no-fucks list is long and your capacity for honesty and politeness is wearing thin, don’t forget that instituting a new personal policy for friends, acquaintances, and strangers is always an option. Of course, you don’t want to overuse this tactic or people will start to catch on. Think of it as a football coach calling for an onside kick—you want it to be surprising and impossible to defend. If done right, it can be a total game-changer.
As discussed in part II, so many of the survey responses overlapped when it came to Family that we’ve pretty much covered the gamut already, with perhaps one glaring omission.
In fact, when it comes to this response, glaring omissions are part of the problem. That’s right, I’m talking about INHERITANCE.
No surprise, as this one sits at the nexus of the tools and actions we’ve studied in both Step 1 (affects other people, feelings/opinions, overall Fuck Budget, obligation/guilt) and Step 2 (honesty and politeness, being/not being an asshole).
Whether we’re talking cash or heirlooms, the issue of inheritance seems to result in an inordinate number of fucks given in the form of time and energy spent haggling and complaining over who gets/deserves what, or who didn’t want/deserve what in the first place.
And yet, many survey respondents claim they don’t give a fuck about money/inheritance when it comes to Family.
Hmm.
I can only assume that since money is universally acknowledged as one of the most difficult/taboo topics in any relationship, even those who decide they don’t give a fuck about splitting Grandpa’s stamp collection among six siblings—and who are willing to cop to it in an anonymous survey—can have a hard time going full NotSorry with their families.
Inheritance can be a thorny issue, no doubt about it. But if all of the people who professed to not give a fuck about matters of inheritance actually did not give those fucks—loudly, clearly, and unequivocally—then we could all spend our time enjoying the family and Inverted Swan stamps we have before we have to start mourning the ones we don’t.
Deep, I know.
In part II, I acknowledged that when it comes to Family, some fucks are nonnegotiable, but I said I’d show you how to make the most out of a less-than-ideal situation. So if you’ve completed Step 1 and decided what you don’t give a fuck about, but you know that taking Step 2 (not giving that fuck) is just completely impossible, no way, José, literally not over your mother’s dead body, then you might as well, in the act of giving that precious fuck, build in some performance bonuses.
For example, if you just can’t avoid a family holiday get-together, schedule a massage for the day after so you have something to look forward to. Even better, request the massage as your holiday gift so your family is essentially paying you back for the fuck you gave!
(#ProTip: Upgrading to first class on the flight home is also an effective, if wildly expensive, balm for the enervating family gathering.)
Or if you have to sit through your mother’s Rotary luncheon at which she’s being honored for outstanding service to the community that you grew up in and fled immediately upon turning eighteen, steal one of the honoree’s Percocets from the medicine cabinet beforehand.
And if you can’t realistically opt out of the group photo, resolve to wear your kinkiest or most hilarious undergarments that day and I guarantee you the whole process will be more bearable. Plus, when the pic starts clogging your Facebook feed with comments like Beautiful family!!!! and OMG they’re so grown up! you will take secret pleasure in knowing you were wearing your POISON PARTIED HERE thong.*
Oh, like you’ve never made a bad pun before. Go ahead, judge me. I don’t give a fuck; it’s my book!
Aaaaanyway, I thought it might be helpful to address a few of the most common questions I receive when I talk to people about the NotSorry Method—questions that I’m pretty sure are popping into your head even as you gleefully cross items off of your various lists. I know how it is, believe me. You’ve made some big decisions, but actually not giving a fuck? That’s easier fantasized about in the comfort of your own mind than said out loud at Shabbat dinner. My advice is to harness the fever while it’s burning hot within you. No time like the present to get your fucks in order and start living your best life!
On that note, here are some FUQs to help you feel better about taking Step 2.
Q: Telling people I don’t give a fuck feels awfully impolite in and of itself. Don’t you think it’s kind of rude?
A: Well, if the F-word gives you pause, you don’t actually have to say it out loud. You can communicate your decision to not spend your time, energy, or money on something in a totally G-rated fashion (e.g., “I confess I don’t share your opinion on X, but you do you!”). I don’t think it’s as much fun, but that’s for me to give a fuck about, not you.
Q: I’m worried that if I stop giving a fuck about too many things, I’m going to like it so much that I become a lazy sack of shit with nothing and nobody to live for.
Q: If not giving a fuck is supposed to be so liberating, why does it feel so uncomfortable?
A: Not wearing clothes is liberating too. But it can also be uncomfortable because society isn’t ready for this jelly. All it takes is a little confidence (and a little baby powder); you’ll see.
Q: How am I supposed to explain all of this to my mother?
A: Just mail her a copy of this book. That’s how I plan to handle it.
Q: Even though everything you’ve said makes perfect sense [Why, thank you!], I just know I’m not going to get away with giving fewer fucks when it comes to __________.
A: All I can say is, you won’t know until you try. Remember I told you that my husband thought I was completely out of my gourd when I asked him if I could tidy up his sock drawer? And look how that turned out!
Q: What if I decide I don’t give a fuck about something, and then I don’t give the fuck, and then I regret it?
A: Now you’re just stalling.
Q: I wouldn’t want people to tell me they didn’t give a fuck about something that was important to me, so how can I tell them I don’t give a fuck about something that’s important to them?
A: Let me throw it back at you in a different way. Would you want people to feel obligated and/or guilted into doing something for you that you knew they didn’t want to do? The answer to THAT question should always be no, or you’re an asshole. And you wouldn’t know that they felt this way unless they were comfortable telling you, and vice versa. This is precisely how taking Step 2 unlocks life-changing magic for everyone.
Once again I want to revisit the overarching goal of the NotSorry Method, which is not merely to stop giving fucks to things that annoy—it’s to free ourselves up to give better, higher-quality fucks to things that bring joy.
If part III of this book was all about not giving those fucks, then get ready to bask in the second half of the equation: gaining more time, energy, and/or money for everything else.
Which brings us to part IV, where, as they say, the life-changing magic happens…