PHINNEAS REDWOOD: Can I get a coffee? Yup, me over here. Thanks.

Two sugars. [Muffled] No real sugar? What do you mean, this is a GD donut shop, isn’t it? [Laughs] Oh, but it’s a donut shop in LA? All right, I’ll take Stevia.

[Clinking] Thanks.

MAN: Hey, how are you, Mr. Redwood?

PR: Fine, doing well. I’ve got a bear claw, a glazed, an old-fashioned, and a cream-filled glaze here. What could be better in life? [Sips] Call me Phinneas, by the way.

MAN: And likewise, I’ll be Jamie.

PR: Nice to see you again, Jamie. Wasn’t it back in—?

JAMIE MENDEZ: The Beverly Hilton, that’s right.

PR: This is some operation you have here. Campaign headquarters across the street, and your pick of the day’s freshly fried treats. Who do you have to fluff to get that kind of service? [Laughs]

JM: [Clears throat] It’s my, uh, cousin’s shop. Been in the family for a long time.

PR: You’re from LA, then?

JM: You got it. Born and raised. Gardena.

PR: Hey, Inglewood for me. Neighbors.

JM: [Slaps table] How about that? Well, I’m so pleased you made the time to come down here, Phinneas. You’re an icon in your industry and, I think, a huge influencer for your generation, and future generations to come, no doubt. I want to share what we’re doing here in our little donut-shop block.

PR: Sounds good. You don’t serve liquor here, do you?

JM: Ah, no. No, we don’t.

PR: All the better. I’m—Never mind. You were saying—?

JM: Yeah, I’m really energized to get elected to Congress in order to better serve this community. I know your district is helmed by the mediocre Maya Sheridan, with her lackluster support of a free market, but I hope to win your vote, Phinneas. We want to emphasize more awareness around accessibility in all public places throughout California and the country.

PR: Uh-huh. Go on.

JM: My grandfather lost his leg in World War II, and the prosthetic he wore was never great on stairs. I vowed to him that my work in politics would benefit every American but would highlight those with special needs.

[Pause]

PR: Did you ask me here hoping for an endorsement—

JM: Or a check. [Laughs] We’re not averse to either.

PR: Did you ask me here because you want me to be your mascot for the Little Person community?

JM: [Pause] I thought you might appreciate the work I’m doing. My goal is to amplify inclusivity for all Americans, regardless of their disability or size.

PR: Oooh, that’s going to be a hard pass for me.

JM: Phinneas—

PR: Mr. Redwood.

JM: [Clears throat] Ah, Mr. Redwood. I asked you here because I’m looking for votes. And you appeal to a broad cross section of society: Anyone who watched your commercials in the eighties and nineties, Gen X, millennials, and—yes—the Little Person community.

PR: Don’t forget—anyone who likes a redemption arc. Although it remains to be seen how successful that detail might be.

JM: I think, with your help, we could really reach Californians. We could make a difference in people’s lives.

PR: Okay, well…I’m not down with being anyone’s token anything. But I appreciate the effort to amplify inclusivity, especially from a disability standpoint. I’m working on improving people’s lives with my next pill.

JM: That’s great. I want to learn more about it.

PR: Yeah, it’ll be out in a few months. My team is already gearing up more infomercials and Boom Booms to flood the feeds.

JM: Boom Booms? Is that… [Pause] adult content?

PR: It should be, right?

JM: No, no, that’s the…the video app, right? So, what do you say? Do I have your support?

PR: My personal support—yeah, you can have that. Whether I can promote you in public depends on my publicist’s take.

JM: Your publicist? I imagine whatever you decide to do, that person will follow.

PR: Well, more specifically, she’ll tell me if I can afford to publicly link myself to another troubled figure.

JM: Troubled? Me? I’m sure you’re mistaken. I haven’t had a speeding ticket in decades—

PR: No, nothing as pedestrian as a moving violation. The shady past. The violent dealings. The friends you keep.

JM: [Pause] I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.

PR: Really? You see, I know your reasons for inviting me here. But I had my own, in agreeing to join you.

JM: You’ll have to enlighten me.

PR: I want the dirt, of course! [Laughs] Did you really have…anything…to do with that politician’s death a few years back? Wasn’t he a rival of yours?

JM: Goodness, uh…You know, I’m afraid I’m going to have to end our meeting. I’ve got a busy morning ahead.

PR: No, no! I don’t mean like you did anything. No, definitely not. Just, like, did you… know …anything? I’m purely curious. From one ne’er-do-well to another.

JM: [Pause] I’m…I’m sorry. This was an awkward foot to get off on. If you’ll allow me— [muffled] Carol! Grab us another bear claw here. [Clearly] I’d like to get your vote and maybe your endorsement, but we don’t have to work more closely together. Or maybe you can simply keep quiet about this meeting. What is that?

PR: Hmm? What is what?

JM: By your leg on the booth. Is that your phone, recording? Are you recording this conversation?

PR: Well, yes. But not for anything weird. For my personal use. And maybe my memoirs.

JM: That’s not—Wait a minute. I need you to stop recording and delete the file.

PR: I’m not going to do that.

JM: [Louder] Delete the file. Goddammit, I knew I should have vetted you harder. She said you would be an asset to my campaign, but that’s what I get for cutting corners. Here. [Something drops] Take your donut, and please leave.

PR: She? Who’s “she”? Who suggested me? And hey, I have more than one. A larger bag would be appropriate if you’re kicking me out. I guess I don’t have to tell you I won’t be voting for you.

JM: Take all of them, then. Please leave.

PR: Moreover—you know what? I’m gonna be campaigning for other people. Yeah, against you!

JM: For the love of God, please stop recor—