PHINNEAS REDWOOD: Sorry about that. My housekeeper just started, and she didn’t know where to find the towels. She’s been calling me all morning. Can you state your name and what bureau you’re with again?

WOMAN: Special Agent Cacciotti with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I’ll just take a few minutes of your time.

PR: Sure, sure. Did you want a water? Emma, can you grab a Topo Chico for the agent, please?

AGENT CACCIOTTI: No, that’s all right. Thank you.

PR: Cool. [Muffled] Never mind, Emma! I said, never mind! [Clearly] What can I do for you?

AC: I was interested in learning more about your latest product.

PR: It’s not launching for another few months.

AC: Right, I’m aware. What interests me is the advertisements that I’ve already seen.

PR: Yeah, it’s kind of a prelaunch campaign that the marketing department thought would be helpful in drumming up more interest.

AC: Do you need that?

PR: Yes and no. We have the financial backing that we needed to create the product, support it through testing, federal approvals, and endorsements from the scientific community. Now we’re hoping for a final influx of investor activity to push for…civilian endorsements.

AC: You mean celebrities.

PR: Not necessarily. [Pause] Okay, yes, celebrities are always nice.

AC: Like the model, Billie something, and how she was the spokesperson for that diet pill in the early aughts.

PR: Ah, no, not like Billie Trixie, not at all. [Laughs] Her death was probably related to the sham pill she was taking for weight loss, which—Actually…it was more likely driven by her starving herself due to the external pressures she so acutely felt. [Pause] So no.

AC: Mr. Redwood, are you familiar with the Lanham Act? It’s a federal law that prohibits false advertising or claims that otherwise harm the consumer. You know it?

PR: This isn’t my first drug campaign. Yeah, I do. But that’s regulated by the Federal Trade Commission.

AC: Yes, that’s correct. The FBI investigates mass-marketing fraud. And what concerns me, you see are, those early advertisements that have been floating around at three in the morning. The ones that claim Shapextrin is currently available for wholesale preorders and if you “act now you can get the body you’ve always deserved.” Are you aware that your company has already begun accepting preorder payments from those three a.m. consumers?

PR: I’m not. But I know my legal department would research whether it’s okay to accept those at this point.

AC: You sure? Because that kind of language—the body you’ve always deserved—may be defrauding your consumer already. And the FBI has received several anonymous tips that point to you as the person behind this prelaunch campaign, that it’s a strategy from the top.

PR: Whoa. Look, I’m not in charge of marketing, okay? I don’t have granular oversight of every tactic that gets approved by the ad guys on my team. The infomercials don’t say you’ll get a great body—just the one you deserve. And I’m no finance whiz, but I pay lots of people who have degrees to manage that stuff—who all said it was fine to accept preorders. [Pause] Am I under arrest?

AC: No, Mr. Redwood. Not yet. But you’d make my job a hell of a lot easier if you’d pony up the facts and tell the truth.

PR: [Laughs] The truth, huh? When I figure out whose version of it you want, I’ll be glad to share.