Chapter Ten

His face was inches from mine. I wanted to take his angry lips between my teeth and kiss him. I wanted his mouth, now twisting into an unpleasant grimace, on my body. I obviously couldn’t tell him I was sexually frustrated because of Xander’s match connection, but I wanted him to calm down. Tension rolled off him in heated waves. I was still pinned against the large, glass window and realized I had two options: I could use a cathartic spell to control his emotions, or I could try to seduce him and hope for a diversion for his excess energy. I was playing at a normal life with Kai, so decided against using magic. I hesitantly tested the waters.

“Hey, are you okay?” I chewed my bottom lip and plastered on my sexiest face to try to entice him. I found it odd that, according to Xander, he was supposed to be in Cadiza to fool Jade. I hadn’t seen Kai mad in a long time. There was more to the story than him walking in on a shirtless Xander. He swallowed hard, his face a mask of stone.

“Of course I’m not okay. I knew I couldn’t trust him to bring you back to Cadiza. I knew he’d try something, and…” he sputtered. He abruptly let his arms fall to his sides and exhaled deeply. With my full-on frontal attack thwarted by his cold demeanor, I crossed my arms over my chest in defeat.

“And what?” I prompted him to finish, although I knew what he’d say.

“I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist him,” he scoffed, unabashed by his accusation. He questioned my honor with good reason, but it still angered me. It wasn’t my fault I was matched with Xander. It wasn’t like I had sex with him. It could possibly be my fault that our connection was stronger because of the stone curse, but I tried not to dwell on that.

“I do what I want,” I retorted in my best grown-up voice. Kai knew me since I was a teenager, and sometimes, I felt he still treated me like one.

“You make me crazy,” he replied with reckless anger as he laced both his hands behind his head and looked to the ceiling. It was beginning to sound like a tried and true bicker-fest. I knew exactly how to fix those. I walked up, put my hands around his muscular waist, and laid my head on his warm chest. He smelled like outside and sweat, but there was no trace of his cologne or soap. I found it odd but figured he was run ragged by Jade in Cadiza. I listened to his heartbeat at its steady pace and patiently waited for him to respond to my embrace. He finally and very slowly enveloped me in a gentle hug. I looked up to find his face wary and unsure.

“I love you. Xander is only a mild inconvenience, because he’s my match. Try as I might, I can’t not want him.” My mouth felt dry at the admission, but Kai was just watching me speak like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“I may be matched with him, but I choose you. It’s always you. I can’t control Xander’s feelings for me, and I can’t control how my body reacts to him; however, I can tell you this—it’s you who I want to be with forever…and I know all your secrets, now.” I went up on my tiptoes and kissed his lips chastely. He seemed surprised by either something I said or by my kiss, but I blustered on to convince him of my feelings.

“People call it drowning. I’m drowning in my love for you. There is no oxygen to fill my lungs, only the blood that pumps through my heart. It beats only for you. My magic may think otherwise, but my heart doesn’t. They say it’s supposed to be something special when you’re in love, but all it causes me is pain. I can’t breathe. It’s all too much. I try swimming to the surface for air, but it’s frozen over, and I can’t escape. There is only you and my love for you. I’m okay with that, because I know I’d die happily if that’s all I had.” I felt desperate. He had to know how I felt, but his face was cruel and convinced me otherwise.

“Do you even want to break the connection with Xander? Do you prefer having a backup plan?” He asked icily, unloving. I raised one eyebrow and felt deflated.

“Of course,” I admitted sullenly. He didn’t mention anything else I said.

“There’s a way. I didn’t think you’d ever consider it, but Kellan filled me in on your trip to the dark realm,” he said. That was why he was upset. I went to the dark realm and found out his secrets.

“Embrace my dark side, and the match connection will be severed, I presume,” I said. Kai sighed and pulled out of my grasp.

“Yes. I have to go to Dark. I haven’t checked in for a while, and I’m sure everything is chaotic. You’ll be heading to Cadiza soon, I’m sure. I’ll be fine here alone. It will corroborate the story I’ve been feeding them about how we only see each other occasionally.” He was kicking me out. My jaw dropped as he sauntered into the bedroom without another word.

“That’s it, then? I’ve been dismissed?” I asked angrily, hands on my hips in defeat. My face heated, and I felt my magic responding to my mood. It was ready and willing to cast. Malakai walked around the bedroom, looking around with curiosity. Trying to figure out where Xander and I were, I thought. Then, he lifted off the ratty shirt he was wearing and walked into the closet without a backward glance. I screamed at him with my eyes. Why are you acting so callous? I didn’t understand. He’s over you, my subconscious whispered to me.

“Oh, no he’s not,” I muttered under my breath as I jogged into the large, mahogany closet.

Malakai was sitting on an ottoman in the center while taking off his socks. I ran over to him and pushed his shoulders back, so he slid off the stool and landed on his back on the floor. I pulled my ratty, brown hair to one side and straddled him at the same time. Then, I leaned down and kissed him. If he was going to dismiss me, he was going to know exactly what he was throwing away. His lips were still for the first few seconds, but they responded eventually. I prodded his mouth open with my tongue and caught his bottom lip between my teeth. He let out a shocked hiss and grabbed my neck to deepen our kiss.

I broke free then wildly ripped off my tank top and attacked his chest with my mouth. He still smelled of sweat, but with my saliva mixed in, his odor became familiar. I inhaled the scent greedily. He grabbed my shoulders and rolled on top of me then kissed me passionately. His kiss was punishing and greedy. His erection pressed against my leg. I was wild with desire and told him so. With his breathing ragged, he broke our embrace and sat back on his knees. His hair was mussed perfection, and his pants were unbuttoned and unzipped. He held one hand out to stop me and shook his head furiously.

“Stop,” he said. I was utterly confused and bewildered. He never said the word stop to me in his life.

“What? Why?” I asked, breathless and disheartened by his abrasive tone.

“I can’t do this. I won’t finish what he started.” I knew he meant Xander.

“That’s not fair. I want you, not him.” The expression on his face split firmly into two. There was one part that wanted to have sex with me, and the other part warred for a different outcome. I was scared what he would say next.

“I need a break. I thought I could deal with your matching with Xander, but now that he’s back, it’s not something I want to deal with. It’s selfish of you to ask me to.” His words were like a gunshot wound directly to the heart. The worst part was he was right. I’d been selfish. What happened earlier that afternoon proved it. I wasn’t good enough for him. His words rang too true to deny.

“I love you, but it’s too much right now…all of it. You finding out about the dark realm and everything that I thought should be secret for obvious reasons are just the icing on the cake. We’re not right for each other. Can’t you see that?” He didn’t meet my eyes when he spoke—a telltale sign of lying. It made it all the worse.

“We keep coming back to each other through all the shit. Doesn’t that count for something?” I asked, but surprisingly, the tears didn’t come. I was experiencing a gamut of perplexing emotions.

“I can’t lose you. You’re all I have that means anything.” I had a feeling anything I said would fall on deaf ears. Kai made up his mind. I was right.

“It was great for a while, so let it just be that. I don’t want to give you ultimatums, because those are only efficient in business dealings, but maybe if you decide to break the connection with Xander, we can talk. Right now, I just want to focus on my work here and make sure all the auditors stay off our trail.”

His ultimatum hung in the air between us like a wedge. He said he wouldn’t do it, but he did. If I embraced dark magic, he’d talk about reconciling. I was miffed, confused, and upset beyond belief. The tears that came were angry, not sad. I picked up a suitcase and started throwing clothing into it. It was a haphazard attempt at packing. I was too embarrassed to look at him, so I kept throwing shoes and toiletries in at an alarming rate. I couldn’t even think of something witty to retort with. Glancing over my shoulder, I found him watching me with a fond sadness. He looked miserably guilty as he hung his head to break eye contact. Why? Malakai was the most confusing man I ever met, and looking at him, I knew he was the only man I would ever love. It was a sticky predicament. Right then, I just needed space. I threw on a pair of black running shoes and wheeled my suitcase out of the closet. I thought Malakai and I were over the catty fights, but this one seemed different. He was distant. I knew he didn’t want me to try to make amends. His choice was made and his ultimatum given. I turned to give him one last piece of my mind.

“I may be selfish, but I love you for you. Xander has that on you, but I think you heard him say it. He’ll take me any way he can get me. He doesn’t want me to change.” My words came out sounding sadder than I hoped, but they had their intended effect. Kai shut his eyes and looked remorseful. I took it as my cue to make my dramatic exit.

“Keep an eye on your auditors. They’re onto us,” I said over my shoulder as my parting advice to show I could still work with him on a professional basis. I had no idea where I should go. Kai didn’t seem to care about my wellbeing, so I set out for the coffee shop. I could grab a coffee and hopefully open a portal to Cadiza from there.

The walk to the coffee shop was a lonely and confusing ten minutes. I didn’t pretend to be a normal human like I usually did. I just played at cool indifference. Malakai wanted me to embrace dark magic—something even he chose not to accept—just to break my match connection with Xander. It was a lofty price to ask of me, but he was right in pointing out I was asking him to accept too much with regard to my feelings for Xander. I knew losing Malakai would be hard, but I didn’t feel as sad this time, because it didn’t feel permanent. It was an odd feeling of being in limbo. It was probably because I was leaning toward embracing my dark side already that it didn’t bother me.

I didn’t want to admit I would embrace dark magic solely for Kai, but I knew I’d do anything to make him happy. It was surprising he didn’t know he didn’t have to ask me. Kai seemed on edge. Waving my shirtless mistake in front of his face was the worst possible thing I could have done. I unlocked the door of the coffee shop and checked my watch. It would be opening soon in the wee hours of the morning. I spent all night arguing with and kissing two men. It was an impossibly horrible situation to wrap my mind around. I wheeled my suitcase around the counter and sat on it.

“I need to talk to Jade,” I said out loud. I need to see Madison and Daniel, I thought in my head. I would have given anything for Madison’s advice. If Malakai were any other man, I would go to Lucy to talk my troubles away, but she was sleeping with his brother. The anticipation of seeing my two former friends washed away the pain I felt over losing Kai, again.

I dragged my suitcase to the back alleyway and checked out the surroundings to make sure it was safe to open a portal. I doubted anyone would be awake at that early hour. If the Bruxa Patrol was already on my trail, I bitterly hoped they’d find Kai, too. I recanted the ill wish the moment I thought it. I didn’t want anything to happen to him, even as cross as he was. I didn’t know what was up with Kai, but I did know I was sick of having one foot in each world. My stomach rolled when I thought about returning to the commune that I so desperately and deliberately escaped not so long ago. When I left, after I enacted the curse, I vowed never to return. Deep down, I knew I’d end up back there, but it felt too soon. I made a mental note to go through all potential outcomes of curses thoroughly before casting them in the future. It would save me heartache.

I chanted the curse that opened the light portal. The second it appeared, I dove head first into it without reserve. I made sure to grab my suitcase, because one thing was for sure. I needed to look damn good when I saw Madison, again.

I hoped in my hurried pack job that I managed to grab a killer pair of heels.