These are the year’s new contributions to my glossary project. Hundreds of entries were collected in Ebert’s Bigger Little Movie Glossary, published in 1999. Contributions are always welcome.
The A.I. Voice Malfunction. Almost all cinematic artificial intelligence will not shut down immediately. It will instead acquire a deep malfunctioning radio voice and will eventually fade out after the completion of a sentence. E.g., 2001: A Space Odyssey, I Robot.
—R. Prashanth
The Brilliant Checkmate. Every time two movie characters are depicted playing chess, one of them will invariably find himself in the highly unlikely situation of being one genius-move away from checkmate (see the Kronsteen character in From Russia with Love and the replicant’s creator in Blade Runner).
—Gerardo Valero, Mexico City, Mexico
Deadly Efficiency Syndrome. In a horror movie, someone always goes missing, usually permanently. The hero will suggest the idea that the group split into smaller groups of not more than two persons to search for that person; the reason is because the ship, house, woods, etc., is too big and it would seem more logical to break up into smaller groups to save time. This develops into the subplots of which the smaller groups meet their demise one by one.
—Jason Warren, San Francisco
The Face Sparing Punch. Whenever the villain and hero face off and the former is disproportionately stronger than the latter, the bad guy won’t throw a punch but instead will launch the protagonist into the air since a direct hit would surely destroy his face for future scenes. See Arnold throwing Nick Stahl and the Terminatrix-hurling Clare Danes in Terminator 3, Superman launching Lex Luthor in the original 1978 entry, and a cybernetic being discharging Colin Farrel in the new version of Total Recall.
—Gerardo Valero, Mexico City, Mexico
Godzilla Geometry. When a large crowd of terrified people flees a gigantic threat, they will run away in a perfectly straight line directly in front of the threat. It never seems to occur to anyone to turn left or right down a nice quiet street where the threat shows no apparent interest in going. (Examples: Cloverfield, War of the Worlds, every Godzilla movie ever made, etc.)
—A.J. Hamler
The Half Shave Equals Full Shave Rule. When a man is shaving in the movies and is interrupted mid-shave, when he wipes the remaining cream from his face, there’s never any stubble left. He is later seen fully shaven even though he was interrupted.
—Zach Buchwald, New York
The Law of Running Water. No character who catches his reflection in the bathroom mirror will ever turn off a running faucet.
—James Garza
The Mind Changing Roar Rule. Whenever we see a dog barking at another creature and the latter responds with a loud roar, the canine will invariably react by uttering a low-pitched howl and run and hide as quick as it possibly can. (See the dog barking at the Caesar chimpanzee in Rise of the Planet of the Apes and the one that confronts the T-Rex that’s drinking water from a pool in Lost World, Jurassic Park).
—Gerardo Valero, Mexico City, Mexico
Nameless Beer Rule. When movie characters order a beer, they rarely specify the brand, nor does the waitress ask. They order “a beer”¡not “a Heineken” or “a Coors” or “a Budweiser,” just “a beer.”
—David Cote
News Flash Bracketing. When any character turns on a TV or radio to find out about plot details, the pertinent details applying to the character’s situation will always be prefaced with “This just in . . .” or “In a late development. . . .” Then, to let our characters know that the pertinent info is over and they can turn the TV off, it will be followed with either, “In other news . . .” or “And in sports. . . .”
—A.J. Hamler
Obsolete Dial Tones. Tense phone calls are ended with two outdated sound effects: the crackle of a plastic receiver being placed in its holder and a dial tone. This is done in films when both persons are on cell phones or wireless phones, which have not EVER had dial tones. I suppose it’s because audiences are too dumb to know when a phone call has ended without those obsolete sounds.
—Jonathan Flanders
The Pre-Cued Song Rule. Whenever a CD or cassette is inserted into any player, there is no need for anyone to find the correct track, and not a moment of silence; instead we are instantly treated to the desired song (which usually begins somewhere in the middle).
—Damien Francoeur, Boston
Retro Future Technology. Every movie set in the future but filmed in years past will include one or several gadgets that will give away the real period when it was actually filmed (see the old-fashioned monitors and computers in futuristic movies like Alien, Blade Runner, and Total Recall).
—Gerardo Valero, Mexico City, Mexico
Senseless Acrobatics Rule. Named after the pointless habit by some movie characters of attacking another while performing elaborate somersaults which in reality would give any nemesis more than enough time to get out of the way (see Darryl Hannah’s character in Blade Runner, the Bambi and Thumper villains in Diamonds Are Forever, and the penguin’s henchmen in Batman Returns).
—Gerardo Valero, Mexico City, Mexico
Soldiers Passing in the Fight. The moment when a contingent of young soldiers about to go to the front crosses paths with wounded, forlorn soldiers coming back from the front.
Invariably, the story’s hero will exchange looks with a heavily-medicated victim.
—Alberto Diamante, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Superglue Girlfriends. A mysterious connection binds women in movies to heroes that speak to them in monosyllabic grunts, come and go with no warning, show up with their faces beaten in, and hustle them out the door in a rush, insisting that they go stay with their mother where it’s safe. Inevitably, these knockouts will stick around and wait for their man to finish “one last job,” even though with minimal effort they could find someone just as attractive who would actually treat them well.
—Keith Nelson, Arlington, Va.
Unlimited Arrows. While movie gunmen are occasionally seen reloading their weapons, movie archers always have an unlimited supply of arrows. A prime example is Legolas, The Elven archer in Lord of the Rings. He spends the entire trilogy dispatching hundreds, if not thousands, of arrows, yet his supply never runs low.
—David Cote
The Volvo Rule. Many working class people in movies work in well-paying and interesting professions that require very little time spent actually working. They live in professionally decorated homes with spacious, manicured lawns. They always eat in upscale restaurants with soft lighting and exquisite menus. They drive Volvos or BMWs and are able to hop on cross-country or intercontinental flights at a moment’s notice with no regard to the four-digit figure that such a flight would likely cost. The alternative lifestyle to this is the family living in chaotic blue collar squalor where the only employment options are working in a factory or waiting tables in a diner.
—Jim Mitchell, St. Louis
Wolfganging. When an individual or group, in order to show wealth, plays the music of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart at an event. Wolfganging is most effective at fancy parties or weddings, using the song “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.”
—Nico Bellamy, San Francisco