We go around the corner for breakfast. Nick says he knows a place he thinks I’ll like and he’s right – it’s Katz’s Deli, site of the famous orgasm ‘I’ll have what she’s having’ scene in When Harry Met Sally.
It’s busy and noisy and buzzing and just what I need. Nick points out signs hanging from the ceiling that say ‘Send a salami to your boy in the army’ and another pointing to the seat Meg Ryan sat in. We don’t sit there, we weave between the tables to the back corner under a neon sign for Pabst beer.
‘I don’t know if I can eat,’ I say. My stomach still feels weird. Like there’s a rock wedged behind my ribs.
‘I’ll order,’ Nick says. He gets up and joins the fairly long line at the counter and I sit and stare at my phone. There’s a message from Chloe asking me to ring her as soon as I get home. I text her to say I will. Then I dial my voicemail and listen to the three messages my dad has left over the last couple of weeks. Just the sound of his voice makes me cry again and I wipe my face with a napkin from the metal dispenser. His last message says he understands I’ll need time and he’ll wait for me to call. Then I think about how I’m going to tell Adam it’s over. Because I know I am going to tell him it’s over. I’ve blown it with Nick, I’m pretty sure of that, but even so … I can’t stay with Adam just because I’m scared.
Nick comes back with pancakes, sausages and coffee. I try to eat some pancake, but it feels dry in my mouth. I wash it down with coffee and stare at Nick.
‘I’ve totally fucked this up, haven’t I?’ I ask him. I look at his face, his eyes, his mouth, his gorgeous messy hair. I love him. I can’t stand to think that this weekend is all we’ll have.
Nick doesn’t say anything for a long time, and he seems to be taking me in too. He’s not smiling, and his eyes look sad. He shuts them for a second, and when he opens them again, he reaches across the table and takes my hand, threading his fingers through mine.
‘Cass,’ he says quietly. ‘I’m in love with you. And you’re in love with me, yes?’
I nod. I’ve read in books about people’s hearts fluttering but it honestly does feel like that’s what mine is doing. It’s not a good feeling.
‘So let’s not talk about fucking it up,’ he says. ‘Let’s talk about what we’re going to do from here.’
‘OK … ’ I grip his hand tighter. ‘I’ll talk to Adam when I get home.’
‘Yeah, I was hoping that’d be the first thing.’ Nick smiles.
‘I can’t believe you’re smiling at me. This morning you looked –’
‘When I saw the messages,’ he says. ‘I just couldn’t work it out. You know, I thought you were messing with me. And I know I’d already told you I love you, but when I thought that … I realised how much I’d been … wanting it to work out.’
‘Me too,’ I say. ‘When I saw your face this morning. Did you think about leaving?’
He frowns. ‘Yeah. But only for a minute. I was angry at first, you know? But then I thought about what I’d done to you and … I had to stay and talk to you.’
‘I thought about leaving,’ I say. ‘This morning. I’ve thought about leaving loads of times these past few days.’
‘But you didn’t,’ he says.
‘No. But I’m really scared.’
He laughs. ‘I’m fucking terrified.’
‘Well at least we’ve got that in common.’
We go back to the hotel and start packing. Under the bed, I find the bag from the Magnolia Bakery. I pull it out and show Nick. ‘I forgot I’d bought these.’
He laughs. ‘When did you get them?’
‘The first day. Remember when you said “fucking cupcakes” I thought we could, you know … ’
He raises one eyebrow at me. ‘You’d do that with an innocent cupcake.’
I look in the box. ‘Not any more, no.’
He takes a step towards me. ‘We could order some.’
‘No time,’ I say. ‘You can get cupcakes in Manchester, you know.’
‘I am totally holding you to that,’ he says.
I grab the belt loops of his jeans and pull him towards me. ‘We’re really doing this?’
‘Looks like it.’
He leans down and kisses me and I feel myself completely relax for the first time since we got here. For the first time in a long time. His tongue slips between my lips and I slide my hands under his shirt, feeling the muscles in his back. I love the feel of his skin. I love the smell of him. I just love him. I always have.
‘You know what we have got time for?’ he says, against my neck, his hands reaching up under my top.
I drop back onto the bed and pull him down on top of me.