After spending an hour with Jackson and George, I headed downstairs to see if anyone was around. Well, anyone but Boone. Please let Boone be asleep or out or fully clothed, I prayed. At the top of the landing, I stopped. I’d never look at these stairs the same, knowing Jackson died at the bottom of them. His eternal presence here gave me a morose feeling.
Raised voices caught my attention, and I followed them into Catherine’s bedroom. I found her in the middle of a heated argument with Jason. Her face twisted in frustration, but he looked torn between strangling and kissing her. Passion radiated between them which caused me to flush with jealousy. I peered around the corner of the doorway to eavesdrop.
“There has to be something fundamentally wrong with you,” he was saying. “You lied to me for weeks!”
“Not all of it was a lie,” Catherine blurted.
This caught me and Jason by surprise. His body went rigid.
“What are you talking about?”
She shook her head frantically. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
“Dammit! I wish someone would just talk to me.” He strode forward, trapping her between him and the wall, their bodies almost touching. “You think nothing you do has consequences, but you’re wrong.”
Confusion skittered across her features. “Why are you so intent on getting an answer?”
“It was real to me,” he roared. As if the shout had taken all his energy, he stumbled backwards and collapsed on the bed, his face a mask of shock, like he hadn’t expected those words to come out of his mouth.
To my surprise, Catherine knelt on the floor, her hand on his knee. The softness in her expression stole my breath. I didn’t want to see it, to hear what they shared. I was watching a car crash, knowing the outcome would be bad, but unable to turn away. They had obviously spent a lot more time together than I ever imagined. A voice in the back of my mind screamed for me to run.
But I didn’t.
“That night was special for me, too.”
Wait, what?
She continued. “You have no reason to believe it, but no matter how terrible I am, I get lonely too. Finally feeling wanted again, feeling intimacy, it meant everything. I never faked anything when we were together.”
“I thought you were Quinn! Do you know what that means? I thought she trusted me enough to give me that gift. I felt so close to you, to her, in that moment. It’s not as black and white as you’re making it, Catherine. I mean, oh God, does it make me a rapist?”
It hit me then, a nuclear bomb to the heart. They slept together! My knees threatened to buckle under the weight of the revelation. I couldn’t make my mouth form words, but I did sense the anger building. Hot sobs clawed at my throat, scratching to be let out.
“Did it seem like I wasn’t willing?” Catherine asked him.
“No, it was amazing.” He dropped his head in his hands. “But it was wrong. I betrayed her.”
Everything bubbling up inside me exploded. “I can’t believe you did that!”
I wasn’t entirely sure who I was yelling at. Him for liking it or her for allowing things to progress that far. My entire body vibrated with rage, with hurt. Jason had it exactly right—he betrayed me, in the worst way possible.
“Quinn,” Catherine gasped, clearly shaken by my arrival.
Jason leapt to his feet, his eyes searching the room. His inability to see me only ticked me off more. I watched the realization of what happened crawl across his face.
“No, oh no, Quinn. Give me a chance to explain.”
The bursts of emotion flashing through me gave me strength, evident by the fact he heard me when I said, “How could you?”
“Because I thought it was you,” he cried in anguish.
“Do you think that matters?”
His face crumpled. “No.”
“Quinn, you need to calm down,” Catherine warned me.
I ignored her, focusing my agony on Jason. “I would have never slept with you this early on. The fact you didn’t even consider that shows me how little you know about me. Or respect me!”
Jason’s eyes widened. “We’re talking...to each other.”
“Because I’m pissed.” My mind filled with images of them wrapped in each other’s arms. Of him whispering into her ear as he pulled her clothes off. The hurt was too great, and without any thought at all, my arm shot out, pointing at him. Darkness erupted from the tips of my fingers. It was as if my anger took on physical form. It collided with Jason, slamming him into the wall and slinking its way up to his neck. I didn’t flinch as I heard him gasp and choke.
“Quinn! What are you doing?”
Catherine’s cries brought a smile to my lips. How many times had I asked her the same thing as she tormented me or someone I cared about?
“What’s wrong? Can’t handle a taste of your own medicine?”
“It’s got nothing to do with that, and you know it. You’re just jealous! And you have every right to be.”
I ignored her, returning my attention to Jason as he struggled to free himself from the shadow pinning him to the wall. The longer I held him, the calmer I felt. His face turned purple, his lips blue.
“Quinn!”
The voice calling my name caused a crack to form in my concentration.
“Get out, Boone,” I said, forgetting my earlier mortification with him.
“This isn’t you. Let him go.”
My resolve wavered, and I sensed my control slipping. Then, as if a veil had been ripped from my eyes, I really saw what I was doing. Retreating from the horror of the realization, I shrunk into the corner of the room. Jason fell to the ground, wheezing, and Catherine went to help him.
“Don’t touch him,” I ground out.
Boone glanced between the two of us then rushed to Jason’s side to move him onto the bed. Noticing the red welts around his neck, I flinched and stared at my feet. Emotion coursed through me, unable to be controlled, and I shook with the effort.
“What happened?” Boone demanded.
“Please don’t,” I whimpered the same time a familiar voice appeared in my head.
Nicely done, love.
He snapped his head around to look at me, his brows furrowed. Abandoning Jason, he crept toward me. “Are you okay?”
“Get him downstairs.”
Boone hesitated then nodded. With one arm under Jason’s arm, he half carried and dragged him across the threshold. I latched on to the darkness again and directed it to slam the door behind them, locking it. Immediately, Boone began banging to be let back in, but I drowned out his pleas.
Use it. Here is your chance to punish the one who’s taken everything from you.
“What are you doing?” Catherine’s voice wobbled.
I glanced at her, noting how she tried to stand nonchalantly with a hand on her hip, but I spotted the trace of fear in her eyes. I blocked Kalfu’s taunts, not wanting to miss an opportunity to finally gain some insight.
“We need to have a little talk,” I told her.
“How are you doing this? You let him in, didn’t you?”
“No, I figured out how to use my anger on my own.”
“That’s not how it works. Now Kalfu has a claim on you.”
I leaned against the dresser. “Let me worry about my soul. Let’s talk about how you gave Jason my virginity.”
She nibbled her lip, struggling to maintain her bravado. “Not like you wouldn’t have had sex with him eventually. You’re making it into a bigger deal than it is.”
“It is a big deal,” I cried. “I’ll never get the experience back. I know it may sound stupid, but I wanted it to be special. Can your manipulative brain comprehend that?”
“It’ll still be your first time...if you ever manage to kick me out and experience it yourself.”
“Are you really this heartless?”
She moved to the vanity and picked up a brush. Perching on the end of her bed, she used it on her hair. Sighing heavily, she said, “You want a genuine heart to heart, don’t you? You think you deserve it?”
“Of course, I do. You stole everything from me!”
“So dramatic.” She shook her head, leaning back on the bed. “The last three weeks have been some of the best of my life,” she said in a rush. “There. Are you happy I said it?”
Settling in for what I hoped was a long chat, I slid down the wall, tucking my knees to my chest, making sure I maintained a hold on the door and the commotion on the other side.
“I’m not happy, no. I am glad you told me, though.” Genuinely curious, I asked, “Why has it been so enjoyable? Was it,” I swallowed, “was it because of Jason?”
She regarded me with suspicion. “To be brutally honest, a bit. You know how charming he is. Add in the fact I’ve been alone for so long, it felt nice to be wanted. To have someone hear me and act like I meant the world to them and treat me so good. Most of it, though, had to do with being alive again. I was so sick of living through someone else.”
I understood her. It’d only been a miniscule amount of time for me, and I was already losing my mind. What would I be like after fifty years? A hundred? Any pity I felt toward her tempered the anger, but I didn’t let it get out of control.
“Do you ever stop to consider your actions? Does what you’ve done to me really not bother you?”
She squirmed, unable to meet my gaze. “I can’t let it.”
Her admission knocked me for a loop. When I asked her the question, I didn’t expect such a truthful response. Not after everything she’d done. Uncomfortable with the stark honesty we agreed to, I switched gears.
“What about Jackson.”
“What about him.”
“You killed him.”
She nodded, and I watched my face, one I didn’t even recognize anymore, struggle with sadness. It was right there in the way her chin wobbled. Somehow, between the heated argument with Jason and my unexpected question, a wall had been knocked down.
“I was lost in my grief at first. Everything was so new, so raw. I was angry at everyone, felt betrayed. Hurting Jackson...” She trailed off and gathered her thoughts. “I really did love him. Once the war started, the future we dreamed of seemed impossible. I didn’t share the optimism of everyone else, that we’d whip the Yankees in a month. I saw it for what it was...the end of the world I loved. When I married William, I tucked away my hope. I buried Jackson. When he came back, he shattered the lock I’d put on him. I remembered what it was like to want everything, not just settle and live in fear.”
“You let him die.”
She played with the hem of her shirt. “I can’t offer an excuse. Kalfu played with my anger. He stoked the fires, so to speak, same as he does with you. When I saw Jackson, so unexpectedly, my happiness and loneliness twisted into something else. Blackness swept over me, and the next thing I knew, his body lay at the bottom of the stairs, broken and bloodied. Nothing was ever the same after that day. I’d gone too far to ever earn forgiveness. I gave in fully to what I’d become. It’s not so different from what you just did to Jason.”
“It’s not the same. I don’t love Jason.” My admission caught me by complete surprise. “I mean, I could, one day. Whatever. It’s not the same,” I repeated forcefully.
“Keep telling yourself that.”
The sorrow in her voice didn’t sound like the Catherine I knew. Where was her contempt and cockiness? Sitting before me, her selfishness had all but disappeared. Even though I said it wouldn’t, her vulnerability changed my perception of her. I did not want it to. Not after hearing she stole my virginity from me. Still, she looked so lost and alone.
“I’m tired,” she said, interrupting my reflection.
“You can sleep later. I’m not done with you.”
She scowled at me. “I don’t mean physically. I mean spiritually, emotionally. I used to think if I got what I wanted, I’d be happy. It’s what I was promised after all. But even in this great body and interesting life, I can’t let go of the past.”
“It’s called a conscience, Catherine. Most humans have them.” I ignored the fact she indirectly complimented my body and life.
“I’m not like other people.”
She had me there.
“This modern world is intimidating. Everything is so loud, fast, crowded. It’s been so hard to adapt to it. Cell phones are devices of the devil, so simple yet their power frightens me. The nonstop bustle exhausts me.”
Studying her perfectly wavy hair and trendy clothes, I had to disagree. “Seems like you have it more figured out than I did.”
The friendly tone of my words shocked me, in a lot of ways more than her and Jason’s secret did. I never, in a million years, would have convinced myself I’d be having a normal, unsnarky conversation with Catherine. It left me unsettled.
“I’m beginning to see I don’t have a choice in this. I’m going to lose.”
I stared at her with my mouth hanging open. “What are you saying?”
“Don’t get me wrong. I am in no way giving up, but the odds are stacking in your favor now.”
A long silence descended. I found myself at a loss for words. This human version of Catherine seemed more unnatural than anything.
“You have to teach me how to do that with my hair,” I blurted.
“It took me a while.” She scrunched up her face. “Why do they call it a flat iron if it makes curls?”
The laugh bubbling up out of me was impossible to stop. The last half hour had been such a roller coaster of emotions. Now here I sat laughing, and soon, Catherine joined me. She might have said the modern world was hard to adapt to, but this spirit world was pretty tough, too.
A thump rattled the door, yanking me out of the moment. I grew uncomfortable, realizing I was able to maintain the hold on it, keep everyone out, all while having a conversation. I was getting way too familiar with using the anger. As I thought about it, I became aware of the heat, still pulsing under the surface.
“Are they laughing?” Abby’s baffled voice passed through the door, eliciting another round of giggles from Catherine and me.
Surprisingly, Catherine sobered first, smoothing her hair to the side. “I guess it’s back to reality.” She stood and shook out her hair. “Now let’s be done with this temporary truce. Just because I admitted this may end badly for me, don’t expect me to roll over and play dead. I’m a survivor, and if pushed, I’ll use every trick I have to keep surviving.”
Sick of listening to her, unable to look at her any longer, I dashed out of the room. Anger, my now constant shadow, followed.