“This is fucked up, baby.” I stared at Lee who was sitting across the breakfast table from me, stirring her porridge aimlessly. “Seriously, this shit makes no sense. . . . goddammit Kevin,” I muttered, shuffling my bare feet away from where the little fucker was chewing on my toe. “Out,” I ordered.

Kevin scampered out from under the kitchen table and sauntered out of the kitchen with his nose cocked in the air . . .

“Dada,” Hope screeched as she banged her chubby little fists on the table, demanding my attention—and the spoon of porridge I was wielding in my hand. “Mo-Mo,” she babbled, opening her mouth wide.

I smirked at the sight of her and a pang of pain for Derek hit me square in the gut.

He’d missed this.

He’d missed so much of his son’s short life.

I couldn’t imagine not being there when Hope was born or seeing her grow every day. Fuck, no wonder he was flipping out. My daughter was my greatest accomplishment—my pride and joy. If I’d been deprived of what Derek had I would be a wreck . . .

“I know,” Lee said softly, breaking through my thoughts, as she tucked a loose curl behind her ear. “I don’t even know what to think about this.”

“Thank you,” I blurted out suddenly, feeling very grateful for the beautiful woman sitting opposite me. “Thank you, princess.”

“For what?” Lee asked with a smile. So fucking beautiful. Looking at her made my heart hurt and my palms sweat. Jesus, it didn’t seem to matter how much time passed. That girl would always tie me up in knots.

“For forgiving me,” I told her honestly. “For including me in your pregnancy. For my daughter.”

“Kyle, wait,” Lee said as she leaned over and grabbed my hand. “I was terrible to you back then,” she said with a blush.

“No, just listen to me.” I shook my head and sighed. “I’m thankful that you stuck by me. You didn’t walk when I pushed you away. You stayed with me even when I was impossible and you loved me when I was un-lovable.” I squeezed her hand. “That makes you pretty damn perfect in my book.”

“You know this changes everything for him,” she whispered.

“He’s a father,” I agreed. “His whole world is gonna change and he hasn’t had nine months to get ready for it.”

“It’s so surreal,” she whispered. “He shouldn’t have let them leave last night.” Lee rubbed her forehead with her small hand and sighed. “Kyle, she’s in love with him.”

“I doubt it,” I muttered, finding it really hard to believe there was anything but resentment between Derek and Karen. Jesus, it sounded weird teaming Derek’s name up with any other name than Camryn . . .

“No, she does,” Lee insisted. “She told me about Jordan’s father before.” Shaking her head she smiled almost ruefully. “She’s still in love with him by the sounds of it. If you’d heard the way she spoke about him . . . Oh god.”

Pushing her chair back, Lee climbed to her feet and brought her bowl to the sink. “I should have guessed,” she whispered as she stared out the window. Spinning around to face me, she tugged on the hem of her shirt nervously. “She named him Jordan Derek.”

“He should have guessed,” I countered as I wiped Hope’s face with a wet wipe. “He’s the douche who went bareback.”

“Pot, kettle, black,” she shot back with a chuckle. “Do you think he’ll be okay?” Her tone grew agitated. “Will this set his recovery back?”

“I hope not,” I muttered. “But I guess finding out you’re a father to a four year old is one hell of a pill to swallow.”

“Oh, I meant to give you this yesterday,” Lee mumbled. Taking the seat next to me, she place a tattered brown envelope on the table. “It’s from her.”

“Did you read it?” I asked as I shifted uncomfortably. I hadn’t seen one of these letters in months. Why the fuck was she doing this now? She’d confessed. It was over. Goddammit . . .

“No,” Lee whispered, covering my hand with hers. “We’ll read it together.”

“Here we go,” I mumbled as I ripped the envelope open and unfolded the letter . . .

 

Kyle,

You need to hurry. Time is almost up. Come now. Do not waste another second being angry with me. It won’t help you. If you don’t come she will die. It’s your choice now. I’ve done all I can to warn you. This is my final warning. The next time you receive a letter from me it will be too late.

Rachel.

 

“Well,” Lee sighed. “At least it’s not as bad as the last one.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, folding the letter up and tucking it into my jeans pocket. “What do you think though?” Staring at Lee’s calm expression, I asked, “Do you think I should go?”

“I don’t know, Kyle,” she replied softly, stroking my hand with her fingers. “A part of me thinks you should.”

I gaped at her. “For real?”

“At least we’d know for sure,” she whispered. “I’m getting pretty tired of being threatened and living in fear.” Smiling she added, “I think you should do this.”

I nodded slowly, letting Lee’s words settle in my mind. “But I’ll call Kelsie first.” Lee scrunched up her nose and I chuckled. “I’m yours, remember?” Holding up my left hand I grinned when two red dots appeared on Lee’s cheeks. “She’ll know how I go about getting an appointment . . . or whatever the hell I need. . . .”

The kitchen door swung open and Derek sauntered in dressed in black slacks and a crisp white shirt.

“I need a job,” he announced as he stalked over to the kettle and poured himself a cup of coffee. Turning slowly with his cup in his hand, Derek locked eyes with me. “Today.”

“Okay,” Lee said in a coaxing tone as she scurried over to him and adjusted his crooked tie. “Do you have an interview somewhere?” she asked softly.

Derek stared at me and smirked. “You hiring, Mr. Carter?”

“What about Mike?” I asked in a serious tone. “He’s still managing the place for me.”

“I’ll cope,” Derek said in a gruff tone. “I’ve got bigger problems than him.”

My face broke out in a wide grin. “Then hell yeah,” I chuckled. “You’re hired.”

Derek sagged in relief. “So,” he mused. “Bar or housekeeping?”

“Neither,” I shot back. “Get your apron out, dude, I’m putting you in the kitchen.”

His brow rose in surprise. “Kyle, I’m not qualified.”

“Not yet.” I smirked. “But you will be.”

My whole body shook as I stepped onto the landing and made my way towards apartment 4B. I took a deep steadying breath as I strived to keep calm and not run back down the stairwell and out of this building.

Be a grown up . . .

My nerves were in tatters all day. After I’d asked him for a job, Kyle had taken me straight to the hotel—probably because he’d been afraid I’d change my mind—and introduced me to his head-chef Jonas, who I would be working under from now on.

Jonas was cool and I’d welcomed the challenge. I’d always worked well under pressure and I was finally going to be doing what I was actually decent at. I’d been shocked that I hadn’t been put on pot-wash, instead I’d been given full rein on the desserts.

I wasn’t too sure how Kyle would swing it with health and safety, but I was more than prepared to do whatever course I needed to ensure an apprenticeship with Jonas. The guy was a master of food. I’d been in awe of him for most of the day, and barely had time to think about the blonde bastard running the hotel in Kyle’s absence.

I guessed Kyle had warned Mike to keep a wide berth of me because not once during my eight-hour shift had I seen him in the restaurant. Thank god. I needed to get my ass in gear and the last thing I needed to do was beat the shit out of the manager—even if he deserved it.

Kyle had given me a huge break and I wasn’t going to let him down. I wasn’t going to let my kid down. Yeah, I’d spent all last night and most of today with my mind focused on the black haired, green-eyed child who I’d been told less than twenty four hours ago was mine.

Texting Karen on my lunch break had been one of the most awkward things I’d ever done, but I had a burning curiosity inside of me urging me on.

I needed to know him.

I had to.

I’d been shocked when she agreed to letting me stop by after work. I’d been expecting a battle. Her cooperative behavior threw me.

Raising my trembling hand, I knocked on her apartment door and waited. Loud scuffling noises sounded from the other side of the door moments before it flew open. I scrunched my face up, preparing for the punch I was sure to receive from Danny. When it didn’t come, I opened my eyes and let out a relieved sigh.

“Hi.” Jordan stood in front of me, his eyes wide and full of excitement. “Mom says you’re my daddy.”

“I . . .” I thrust the small parcel I’d brought with me into his hands. “Yes,” I choked out. “I’m your daddy.”

I’m your daddy . . .

“I’m so happy to meet you properly,” I added, crouching down to his size. “I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner, and for upsetting you yesterday . . .”

“That’s okay,” Jordan replied, hugging the parcel to his chest. “Mom told me you lived far away in the mountains, but I knew you’d come find me someday. I know all about you,” he giggled. “Mom and Uncle DJ told me this morning.”

God . . .”Yeah,” I whispered, staring reverently at the child in front of me. “You’re beautiful,” I told him and immediately regretted those words when he scrunched his nose up in distaste. “You’re cool,” I amended. “Very cool.”

He beamed at me and my heart squeezed in my chest when I noticed his front baby tooth had already fallen out. What else had I missed? Four fucking years’ worth of memories . . .

“Mom?” he called out, opening the door for me to come in. “My dad’s here. He came. I told you he would.”

His words stunned me. What I’d give to be four years old again–to be so accepting of change. Jordan was calling me dad . . . just like that—as if I’d been around him all his life. Jesus . . .

“Hello Derek,” Karen said when I took a step inside her neat apartment.

My eyes immediately locked on hers and I felt an immediate pang of worry for her. Her eyes were bloodshot. Her skin was pale. She was dressed in an old football shirt, which I knew was Danny’s, and her plain black yoga pants looked like they’d seen better days.

“Jordan’s been waiting all day for you,” she said nervously. “He’s been counting down the hours since I told him you were stopping by.”

“Are you hungry?” Jordan asked, tugging on my hand. Jesus, his skin was so soft. “I helped my mom bake you a cake.”

“You can bake?” I asked, gazing down at my son in wonder.

“Yep,” he said proudly. “My mom says I’m the best.”

“Your mom is a very smart lady,” I told him, allowing him to tug me further into the kitchen/sitting room.

“This is my room,” Jordan announced as he opened the first of three doors in the small hallway. “Where’s your bag?”

“My bag?” I shook my head in confusion. “What bag, buddy?”

“With your stuff, silly,” Jordan chuckled.

Letting go of my hand, he rushed into his blue painted room and bounced onto his small Thomas the Tank Engine shaped bed. “You’re going to live with us, right?” Jumping up and down on his bed, he smiled. “Like Hope’s mom and dad?”

You’re going to live with us, right?

“I . . .” Jesus, my face broke out in a cold sweat. How the hell was I supposed to answer that?

“No, Jordan,” I heard Karen say as she came to stand beside me. “I’ve explained this to you already.” She turned to face me, blushing furiously. “I’ve explained this to him,” she said nervously. “He just . . . I didn’t . . .”

“Hey, it’s okay,” I said gently, not wanting her to feel upset or embarrassed. This was all on me . . .

She’d been a teenager and I’d messed her life up. She’d given me my freedom these past four years. She’d told me as much, and I felt like a creep for throwing so much crap at her last night . . .

Well, I wasn’t about to walk away again. No fucking way was my child growing up poor. No way in hell was the mother of my child going to scrape by. I was stepping in and I was doing it today. Cam’s face entered my mind and I forced it away. I had to . . .

“You’ve done an amazing job with him, Karen,” I told her, my tone gruff and thick.

“Yeah, well . . .” She shrugged and turned her face away, focusing on Jordan once more. “Your daddy will come to see you, Jordan,” she told our son in a gentle but firm tone of voice. “But Derek has his own home. He won’t be living with us, but you can see him as much as like

“That’s not fair,” he mumbled and my heart fucking cracked clean open when I noticed the tears in his eyes. “Hope’s got a daddy,” he sobbed. “Why does she need mine?”

“We’ll see, buddy,” I choked out, earning myself a cold stare from Karen. Shaking off her intense stare, I walked over to him and sat down on his little bed.

“Jordan,” I said quietly, patting the mattress next to me. He immediately flopped onto his knees and shuffled over to me. “I’m gonna be here for you,” I told him, feeling more love than I’d ever felt burst through my body and shoot into this child. My child. “No matter where I live. I promise you, and I don’t break my promises. Ever.”

“But I want you to live with me,” he whispered, dropping his head to stare at the floor. “My mom loves you, don’t you, mom?” He turned to stare at Karen. “Mom, tell him you love him so he’ll come live with us.”

“Jordan, please stop,” Karen whimpered, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

“It’s not that simple, Jordan,” I managed to say in an even tone, turning back to face him, ignoring the searing pain inside of me that bubbled up the moment I saw the tears in her eyes “Sometimes mommies and daddies don’t live together.”

“I know that,” he grumbled. “But I want you and mom to be with me.”

Sweet Jesus . . .”What do you want me to do, Jordan?” I asked in a pained voice.

“Take my mom on a date like all the other mommies and daddies,” he replied, staring up at me with such innocence in his eyes. “Maybe if you liked my mom you would come live with us.”

“Jordan, stop this,” I heard Karen hiss, but I couldn’t look at her again. I felt too fucking ashamed of myself.

“I do like your mommy,” I whispered, feeling like the worst kind of human being. “She’s a great person.”

“So you’ll take her out a date?” he asked excitedly.

“Sure,” I choked out, swallowing deeply. “I can do that.”

“Ask her,” he encouraged, poking me in the side.

Karen stared at me in pure horror. “Don’t ask me to do this,” she begged. “It’s not fair.”

“Would you like to go on a date with me, Karen?” I asked, ignoring her protests, feeling completely fucking manipulated by the little guy sitting next to me who already had a firm grip on my heart strings.

“She never goes on dates,” Jordan piped up. “She never goes anywhere. Mrs. Carter is her first friend.”

“Her first friend?” Jesus Christ . . .

“Yep,” Jordan chirped. “She’s always on her own.”

Something hit me then, something as powerful as a bulldozer, hard and forceful, knocking the air out of my lungs and the ground from beneath me. “Go out with me?” I husked, meaning every word, as I stared at the delicate little woman trembling in the doorway “Let me take you out.” Let me make this up to you . . .

“When?” she asked warily.

When . . .”Tonight?” I rubbed the palms of my hands against my jeans and tried to stay calm as I forced away the fucked up feeling that I was doing something wrong. That I was betraying Camryn . . .”I’ll call Kyle and Lee,” I added. “We could make a night of it?”

“I don’t have a babysitter,” she muttered. “And DJ has a gig tonight.”

“You still calling him that?” I asked in amusement. Karen had nicknamed Danny DJ when we were kids and she’d caught us pretending to spin decks with two saucepans. “He could come stay at my house?” I suggested. “Lee’s mother usually babysits Hope. I could ask if she’d watch Jordan.”

“Yes,” Jordan yelled, pumping his fist in the air. “You’re the coolest,” he added before throwing his arms around me. “Thanks dad.”

“No problem,” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around him, holding him tightly to me. “I’ll do anything for you,” I whispered, my eyes locked on Karen. “Remember that.”