THE ART OF GETTING LOST

TWO WEEKS: PRETTY MUCH THE MINIMUM amount of vacation a full-time employer will give anyone the first year of a job. It’s perfectly reasonable to take all two weeks of that paid time off all at once, and it’s also perfectly reasonable to try to squeeze the trip of a lifetime into those two weeks (although more time is always better). These trips will fit into roughly two weeks or less, including travel on either end when applicable, and they cover four different continents. This chapter should give you enough to do with two weeks of annual allotted vacation for the next six years and enough passport stamps and stories for a lifetime. Of course, you’d be fortunate to do one of them, let alone all of them. But what else are you going to do with all that vacation time? You can’t take it with you.

#10 Trek the Tour du Mont Blanc

DESCRIPTION: Mont Blanc, as the glaciated 15,781-foot-tall high point of the Alps, is a popular climb to no one’s surprise. But you don’t have to climb it to have an amazing mountain adventure—hundreds of outdoor enthusiasts leave the crampons at home and circumnavigate the peak, spending 11 days walking around its flanks and crossing borders into France, Switzerland, and Italy along the way.

The Tour du Mont Blanc covers 105 miles of trekking and 32,800 feet of elevation gain over 1.5 weeks. It’s a stout hike, but the saving grace is you’ll spend every night in a bed, either in a mountain hut (with dinner and breakfast included) up high or in a hotel or bed-and-breakfast in one of the seven valleys the route crosses. That means you don’t have to carry a tent, sleeping bag, stove, pots and pans, or breakfast and dinner.

Hikers typically begin and end the trek in the village of Les Houches, France, just outside of the mountaineering mecca of Chamonix. The trek combines big hiking days with easier walks between huts—the steepest day is typically the first climb out of Les Houches, with 5,000 feet of elevation gain, and the longest day of walking is 17.5 miles. The highest point on the trek is just over 8,500 feet. Unlike some of the other long treks of Europe (like the Haute Route), you’ll end right where you started, so there’s no need for a shuttle.

Don’t Make a To-Do List on Your Vacation

WE’VE ALL BEEN GUILTY OF THIS at one time or another: We plan a trip somewhere and make a list, in our heads or on paper, of all the things we want to see or do when we’re in that new, exciting place. Go to the Empire State Building, get on the Staten Island Ferry, walk through Times Square, see Central Park, go to Shake Shack or Grimaldi’s, and so on. We all have things we want to check off, things we’ve seen on postcards or in magazines or on TV, and they’re important to us.

When traveling, though, this can make things even more stressful. Have you ever had the feeling you’re getting behind schedule on your vacation? That sucks. You’re taking a vacation, and the whole point of that vacation was to relax, not to schedule yourself into a panic. Americans (including myself) are pretty good at this, and it’s hard to step back and realize when you’re doing it.

I’ve only recently gotten control of myself and taken steps to erase the stress from vacation. I have scheduled backpacking trips with very short mileage goals, scheduled bike tours with enough leeway in the each day’s mileage to have time to sit in cafés and stop into art galleries, and left totally blank days on visits to national parks or other places to have time to just wander around aimlessly, which is not something I ever do in real life. But I’m trying.

Scheduling every hour of your trip before you go somewhere is assuming you know everything you need to know about a place before you even get there. Once you get there, you’ll very likely find out that this is not the case. If you’ve ever been to a new place and struck up a conversation with someone else—a local or a fellow vacationer—and they recommended something you should see before you leave, you'll know there’s nothing worse than finding yourself saying, “I’d love to, but we just don’t have the time.” The Internet is great, but it can’t show you everything about a place before you get there.

You shouldn’t feel bad about having a few goals or tick list items for your trips. But leave some breathing room in your schedule. Make a few loose goals you want to do by the end of your trip, and keep the freedom for improvisation. I think you’ll agree that it’s better to have some stories that begin with “. . . and one day, we were just wandering around, and we found this incredible little shop/restaurant/pub . . .” than it is to say, “We achieved every goal on our Official Vacation Checklist.”

#11 Climb Kilimanjaro, Tanzania

DESCRIPTION: Completing the “Seven Summits”—climbing the highest mountain on each continent—is a lofty, expensive, and logistically challenging goal. Mount Everest alone takes around 50 days and $50,000 to $70,000. And that’s only one of the Seven Summits.

If you want to tag just one of the Seven Summits, however, Kilimanjaro, the 19,340-foot-tall high point of Africa, is probably within reach, both financially and skill level–wise. You don’t need any technical mountaineering experience on Kilimanjaro, just fitness and ability to deal with altitude. The climb can be done in as little as 2 weeks, including acclimatization to the high elevation—but most folks will tell you that it’s worthwhile to also schedule a safari trip to see some African megafauna while you’re there. The climb alone (without the safari) can be done for around $3,000, not including airfare to and from Tanzania. One of the best things about climbing Kilimanjaro, aside from the once-in-a-lifetime experience, incredible views, and physical challenge, is that guide services are required to use local guides. So no matter which company you choose, you’re employing local residents who are making a living wage.

The climb itself is all hiking and lots of it. You’ll ascend more than 16,000 feet over almost 40 miles, deliberately moving up the mountain to successively higher camps over the span of a week. The peak is almost a mile higher than anything in the Lower 48, so teaching your body to deal with lower pressure and less available oxygen is the biggest challenge—hence, the time taken to gradually work up the mountain and ensure a successful summit bid to the roof of Africa.

#12 Book Passage on Freighter Ship, United States to Europe

DESCRIPTION: It’s not an all-inclusive cruise ship—it’s an adventure. Not that cruises can’t be adventures (just ask David Foster Wallace or the Unsinkable Molly Brown), but booking a passage on a freighter is a little less, well, cushy than your standard island cruise. No one’s getting paid to pamper you on a freighter, so there aren’t massages and squash games and lavish meals—you’re essentially a nonworking member of the ship’s crew. You eat with the crew, hang out, find ways to fill your time during the day, and watch the ocean go by. You’ll have your own bunk-room, and it’s possible you may be able to interact with the ship’s crew—but that’s up to the ship’s captain.

Trips from the East Coast of the United States to Europe take between 16 and 19 days and cost $100 to $150 per day that you’re on the ship. There’s no Wi-Fi on board most freighters, although there is a satellite phone you will pay a fee to use. Besides that, you should plan on finding ways to entertain yourself for a couple weeks—i.e., bring lots of books or a tablet with lots of books on it. If you’re looking to escape for a few weeks, a freighter cruise is a relatively comfortable way to do it as opposed to, say, hiking into the Himalayas. Three meals a day, a bed at night, and watching the ocean roll by for days at a time.

Booking freighter cruises is a little more involved than buying a ticket online. You’ll contact a freighter cruise company with a destination in mind (United States to Europe), and they’ll let you know what they have available and when. Keep in mind, freighter ships are in business to move freight not people, and they move a very small amount of people, so don’t expect to go to a travel website and book a reservation in a few clicks.

Nine Travel Tips to Lower Your Stress Levels

1. NEVER PLAN FOR THE BEST-CASE SCENARIO. Your bag is always going to take longer to get to the baggage claim than you think it will, especially if your friend or family member is circling the airport waiting for you to emerge. The line at the rental car counter will always take longer than you want it to. Traffic will always be 10 to 300 percent worse than you imagine. Adjust your schedule to the world, because the world doesn’t care about your schedule.

2. ALWAYS PEE, especially in places like Manhattan, where public restrooms are so scarce there’s an app for finding them. Yes, I know you’re not 6 years old. Just go whenever you can—just before you leave the coffee shop or restaurant, just before you get on the plane. Even if you don’t “have to.” See, aren’t you more relaxed now?

3. CARRY A WATER BOTTLE. Feel like shit when you got off the plane? There’s a good chance you’re dehydrated. Flight attendants dispense water in 8-ounce doses (and you probably ordered a gin and tonic or a coffee instead of water anyway). Bring your own water bottle, and experience the joy of not relying on other people or retailers for your hydration.

4. GET TO THE AIRPORT EARLY. Once you leave your house (or hotel), lots of things are out of your control: traffic, parking, ticketing lines, TSA lines, the person in front of you who can’t get their smartphone code to scan. You can’t control those things, but you can give yourself enough time so that each one of them doesn’t cause a 20 percent increase in your blood pressure. Yes, the coffee in the airport isn’t usually that great, but I’d rather be through security drinking a halfway decent coffee and knowing I’ll make my flight than be 30 minutes away from the airport drinking a great cup of coffee.

5. GET AISLE SEATS. Let’s be honest, there are no “good seats” in economy class anymore, are there? I was a late adopter of this one. Yes, there’s no view, but unlike window seats and middle seats, you at least have space to lean into if you’re sitting next to an armrest hoarder or manspreader. Plus, you can get up to use the restroom anytime you want without bothering anyone. (See #2.)

6. USE CURBSIDE CHECK-IN. For a few dollars’ tip, you can usually skip lines and ditch your checked bag way more quickly than you can inside the airport.

7. GET AN AIRLINE CREDIT CARD. For a small annual fee, you can often get a free checked bag (eliminate anxiety about overhead compartment space, plus you don’t have to drag your bag with you through the airport/airports) and priority boarding. Plus, you might earn enough miles to get a free trip home to see your mom (or a free flight to Europe).

8. DON’T PACK A BUNCH OF SHIT YOU DON’T NEED. Just like in backpacking and mountaineering, the weight and volume of your belongings can have an inverse effect on your ability to experience joy. Be mindful of this when you pack, and leave a couple things at home.

9. RELAX. Put Miles Davis’s Kind of Blue or John Coltrane’s Blue Train on your phone, bring headphones, and listen to it as you take your time cruising through the airport and enjoy not worrying if you’ll make it to your gate on time.

#13 Ski the Haute Route, France/Switzerland

DESCRIPTION: It’s probably the most famous multiday ski tour in the world, a 7-day traverse between the mountaineering capitals of Chamonix, France, at the foot of Mont Blanc, to Zermatt, Switzerland, at the foot of the Matterhorn. Every day, you ski across glacial valleys and glaciers between the enormous jagged peaks of the Alps. Every night, you sleep in a mountain hut perched in sometimes unbelievable locations. With meals and shelter provided, you can ski every day with only a light backpack, carrying your lunch, water, clothing, and a sleeping bag liner—oh, and maybe a toothbrush.

Although strikingly beautiful, the Alps also command respect—weather is very dynamic, and it’s easy to get lost in a whiteout. For this reason and for ease in taking care of the logistics of making reservations at multiple mountain huts, many skiers who tackle the Haute Route choose to use a guide service. Skiing with a mountain guide provides you with someone who has skied the route many times in variable conditions and has a passion for the experience. Depending on the size of your guided group, costs per skier can be as low as $3,000 for the trip (not including travel to and from Europe), which is substantial, but plenty of people spend that much money on the lodging for a weeklong ski trip in the United States. If you want to see the best of the snow-covered Alps and understand the feeling of skiing past the Matterhorn into picture-book Zermatt, it’s a pretty solid deal.

#14 Climb Mount Vinson, Antarctica

DESCRIPTION: Although Mount Everest is probably the most famous guided mountain climb in the world, some might argue that Antarctica’s Mount Vinson is just as big of an adventure with way less time commitment, a lower cost, and more oxygen. At 16,067 feet and far below the Antarctic Circle, Mount Vinson is no walk in the park, but it takes only 16 to 20 days, depending on weather and conditions. With a guide (recommended), costs are around $40,000, including everything but flights to Punta Arenas, Chile.

After flying to Punta Arenas (and a day checking gear and repacking), you’ll get on a flight to Antarctica, where you’ll transfer to a smaller plane to fly to Vinson Base Camp at 7,000 feet. For a week, you’ll carry loads to higher camps on the mountain, setting yourself up for a summit bid when weather permits.

Vinson isn’t the most popular of the Seven Summits for obvious reasons (it’s cold, it’s in Antarctica, and so on), but it’s a true mountaineering adventure. Guided climbers are required to have significant mountaineering experience and know how to handle crampons, an ice axe, and roped travel in order to make a successful bid to the top of the highest peak on the bottom of the world.

Showering Every Day Is a Waste of Time

IF I COULD GIVE EVERY TRAVELER ONE PIECE OF ADVICE on how to get more out of their vacation time, it would be this: Lower your personal hygiene standards. More specifically, learn to go a few days without a shower.

Before you scrunch up your face and tell me how disgusting that is, let’s think about this: Not so long ago, we weren’t showering every day before we went into work mostly because showers didn’t exist. In fact, someone a couple branches up your family tree probably bathed in the same bathwater as the rest of the family once every few weeks or once every month.

Now, I’m not asking you to reuse bathwater (which, let’s be honest, is actually pretty gross). I’m saying step back and consider why you shower every day. It’s probably because you work in an office and have to look and smell “presentable.” Fair enough. Why are you on vacation? To get away from work and everything that requires: business casual, meetings, sitting at a desk for 8 or 9 hours, answering e-mails, eating at your desk.

While you’re getting away from work, how about you also get away from that pressure to look and smell “presentable”? If you’re on a good old-fashioned camping road trip, showering is a real pain: You have to dig out new clothes, find your toiletries, find a place to shower, and then shower, dry off, and put all your stuff back. That’s a half hour or more that you could have been spending doing something else, including but not limited to: sitting by a campfire, dozing in a hammock, sitting in a chair drinking a beer and watching the sun go down, reading a book, napping, or going for a walk.

You probably don’t smell as bad as you might imagine you do when you’re on vacation, especially if you’re in nature. Sure, you don’t smell like shampoo, conditioner, soap, deodorant, perfume/cologne, and laundry detergent, but you’re not walking into a meeting with senior management on your vacation, are you? That’s right, you’re sitting in a hammock or building a campfire. And when you get back to your job, you’ll miss that campfire smell on your clothes.

On vacation, the best use of your time does not include making yourself adhere to your normal grooming routine. If the friends you’re on vacation with express disdain that you put your hair in a ponytail under a baseball cap instead of blow-drying and styling it for 4 days, you need new friends. I’ve spent 10 days in a tent with friends on multiple occasions, and where we were going, showering was not an option. And we’re still friends to this day.

There are a few ways to keep yourself moderately clean, and they don’t take nearly as much time as showering. Get a small bottle of travel soap to wash your face with and a box of wet wipes to maintain other areas. Use as necessary. If you walk into a coffee shop and people shake their heads and pinch their noses as you walk past, consider showering. But it probably won’t get that far.

#15 Trek Torres del Paine, Patagonia

DESCRIPTION: The W Trek is one of the most sought-after backpacking trips in the world for many reasons, not the least of which are the dreamlike sculpted spires and peaks that line the horizons of the valleys of Torres del Paine. There are also the glaciers, the ice-blue lakes, and the accessibility—it’s a 43-mile, 5-day, 4-night backpacking trip, starting and ending with a bus ride to/from the city of Puerto Natales. It’s called the “W Trek” because, on a map, the route forms a W, the legs of which end in unforgettable views of the Grey Glacier, the French Valley, and the famous Paine Towers.

The trek is straightforward and doable by anyone with a decent amount of backpacking experience, but it’s also possible to do the hike with a guide service, sleep in a dormitory bed every night, have a prepared box lunch to take with you every day, take a more relaxed pace, and spend a week on the route. A typical guide service costs $1,400– 1,900 per person for the entire trek, food and lodging included. But of course, if you choose to guide yourself, backpack, and sleep in a tent every night, the cost is much lower—about $110, which leaves you plenty of money to get a celebratory meal back in Puerto Natales on your last day.

TWO-WEEKLONG ADVENTURES