Me and Manolo were walking toward Eighth and Twelfth after we left Pepe’s Grocery ‘cause I needed a few things for Sunday when the grandchildren would be over. I know what you are thinking, but it’s my very own shopping cart. I’m no thief. Well, I was guiding my Manny and thinking how hard life had got ever since he went blind after lighting that old kerosene kitchen. I warned him, but he’s always been so hard-headed. You want some coffee? It’s not American coffee. It’s not watery. So the kitchen exploded right in his face, and my poor Manny pretended for weeks that he could still see, and he even tried to drive the car and ended up smashing it against Mr. Olsen’s porch. Mr. Olsen never knew Manny did it ‘cause he was vacationing in Georgia at the time. Let me tell you, life then was a lemon, and I didn’t have no sugar to make it a lemonade.
So we were walking and it was good Friday. Wait a second, I think something is burning in the kitchen. Manny, is that you, my little heart? I wonder what he is doing in the kitchen. Last week, he turned on all the burners and nearly burned the house down. Now that he can see again he still likes to pretend to be blind. I guess he enjoyed all that extra attention. I always took care of him, like the king of this house he is. So we were walking along Eighth and Twelfth and it was Good Friday. It must have been around a quarter to three since it was really getting dark and windy. I was saying a rosary, just to do something, and I was admiring this huge mango when I noticed next to the mango tree, near the fence, Mr. Olsen’s sea grape crying. It wasn’t really crying, but sap was oozing from its branches. Somehow I was inspired and I helped Manny jump the fence and then I jumped. Actually, it wasn’t really that easy since Manny’s privates got tangled in the fence and I had to help him. I remember he screamed: “Barbarita, they are useless. Let’s leave them there.”
I went straight to the tree, gathered some sap in my hands and rubbed it all over my poor Manny’s sightless eyes. At first, he cursed me, but then he knelt, lifted his arms and shouted: “Coño, I can see. Barbarita, I can see!” I thought he was kidding, so I asked him what color my blouse was. “Red, white and blue,” he said. I wasn’t convinced yet, so I asked him again what color his shoes were. “Blue sneakers,” he said with a grin. I quickly knelt and was beating my chest in gratitude when Mr. Olsen came out with his shotgun and threatened to kill us for trespassing. I tried to explain, but he wasn’t interested.
Finally, I had to bribe him with some bubble gum. You know how Americans go crazy for stuff like that. He let us go, screaming that only Superman could save him from this foreign plague. While he was shouting, I was trying to scoop up some more holy sap in case Manny had a relapse, but he saw me and placed his gun right in my nose and said, “Lady, put that sap where it belongs ... you ... you tropical scum, or I’ll blow your head off.”
We were very scared of Mr. Olsen, but very thankful for Manny’s sight, and now we go every day at a quarter to three to pray across the street from Mr. Olsen’s house, facing the tree, while a watchful Mr. Olsen keeps his gun cocked. “Scuse me, just a minute. Manny is that you, my little heart?” It’s Manny, all right. Every time he goes to the toilet he closes his eyes like he’s blind and misses. I always have to go clean up after him. I want you to promise me by your mother’s body lying in her funeral casket that you will tell everybody you know about this divine happening, so the faithless can become believers. But what I told about Manny’s privates, keep it to yourself.
ATTENTION PLEASE. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: WOULD YOU PLEASE DISPERSE AND GO HOME. GO CASA! THIS AREA IS BEING CORDONED OFF BY ORDER OF THE POLICE. POR FAVOR, GO AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. ¡PRONTO!
That sure is a big helicopter up there! Please, ma’am! Please, ma’am, don’t push. Let me go by, please. Please don’t push, don’t you see I’m carrying a sick child! Who pinched my ass? Mima, where are youuuu? Hail Mary full of grace, the gentleman with the green shirt please get out of the way. Excuse me, please. Forget it, honey. I ain’t moving, I saw this spot first. Out, out, out! This is private property, propiedad private! Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs and cockfight tickets here. Oh, my tree! Oh Julia, if you could only see what they are doing to my tree. My beautiful sea grape! Who pinched my ass? The mother who pinched my ass! Hail Mary full of get your Bud, get your ice cold Bud here. This butt’s for me. Ouch! If you touch my tree again, I’ll kill you! Shut up, old man. Lois, Lois call the police! I am not. This is so much fun, olé! I swear by my little boy that I saw everything from my bathroom window. She was pushing the shopping cart with a man inside. The man had no legs. Then I saw her jump the fence and gather something from the sea grape tree and spreading it all over his stumps and the next thing I saw was the man sprouting a new pair of legs. I swear by my mother’s grave that I saw everything from my bathroom window. That’s why I’m here. You spic English? Yes, a little. What the police saying from the helicopter? They said that the Virgin is coming real soon. How they know she is coming? They are gringos, my friend, they know everything. If Superman could only hear me, but I can’t get to my watch now. Holy cards, with the Pope blessing the holy tree, with your order of a small pizza and a Bud. Number, numbers, bolita. Coke, coke. Get your coke here. Snort, excuse meee, drink your Coke here. C’mon, Manny, rub a little bit of sap on your pipi, it might make it work again. Do it for me, Manny. Okay, Barbarita, but just a little bit! Let me go by, I have arthritis. Connie, just chip off a piece. It’ll keep Bill at your side. And her royal highness for the Queen Calle Ocho Festival is, may I have the envelope: Lovee Martinez, a modeling student. Hey, don’t take that whole branch. Shut up, viejo. My country tis of thee sweet land of liberty. And then he sprouted two legs and an arm. Caridad, our lady, is landing. She’s landing upside down on top of the tree! Who pinched my ass? Oh, Manny, that’s incredible. It’s so big and hard!!!!