The next day, Ollie smiled and ordered us breakfast in bed, and I just couldn’t look at him without being sickened.
“You okay, sunshine?” he asked, like nothing in the world could be making me unhappy today.
I stared at him in disbelief. “Ollie...” I started, not really sure of where I was going to go with this conversation, or even how to start it in the first place.
“Last night was incredible, Josh. I love you so much.” He smiled again.
My whole body ached, and all I could think about was what had happened. I wanted to tell him how I felt, but I was scared of how he would react.
“Ollie...” I started again. “About last night...”
“Yeah, sunshine?” He grinned.
“You really hurt me,” I stammered. His face fell, and suddenly I wondered if this hadn’t all been some kind of weird accident.
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t want you to do that last night. Not like that. It wasn’t right.”
His expression grew cold. “It’s bound to feel a little different the first time you take a bare dick, Josh. That kind of comes with the territory.” He glared.
“I... I... I don’t mean it like that, Ollie.”
“Then what do you mean?” he snapped.
I looked at him, and my resolve to explain why this was wrong disintegrated in an instant. “I didn’t like it,” I mumbled.
He sneered at me. “Well, you sure as hell sounded like you were enjoying it last night.”
I shook my head. “No! I wasn’t! I was crying. I wanted you to stop!” No sooner had the words left my mouth, I regretted them.
“What are you trying to say, Josh? Are you trying to say that I raped you or something? You’re my boyfriend, for fuck’s sake. I had sex with my boyfriend. If you don’t like bareback, you only have to tell me that instead of trying to make up all this drama!”
I cowered away from him. I wanted to argue, but I feared his reaction would only make the situation escalate. He had already gone as far as raping me; I didn’t want to think about what else he would be capable of.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, trying to defuse a volatile standoff between us.
“I love you, Josh, I would never hurt you like that. God, what kind of monster do you think I am?” He sighed and leaned over to kiss the top of my head. I froze in terror and vowed to never mention it again.
I can’t believe how much heartache and physical torment I would have saved myself if I had made some kind of plan to escape him after that first hint of the truth. There are times when I wonder if the situation would have been different if I had been strong enough to leave, or if the sad reality would have been me constantly looking over my shoulder for him. He was definitely that kind of man: controlling, possessive. He would stop at nothing to keep what he thought belonged to him. That was all I had become; something that was his to keep. His toy to play with as he saw fit. Something worthless and less than whole.
I think the only thing that kept me with him after that was fear. I knew I didn’t love him. I couldn’t even stand to be around him, but the fear was phenomenal. The what-ifs were what kept me rooted to the spot and still in a position where Ollie was in control. It woke me up. I finally realised everything he had been doing and the effect it was having on my life. I texted Amy; I had to. I needed to tell someone. I thought that, of all the people I knew or had known, she would be the one who might understand.
I don’t think that I had ever heard Amy so enraged about anything. Hatred dripped from every comment she made about Ollie. A stark contrast to the love, compassion, and concern that she had towards me.
You need to leave him.
I’m scared, babe. I’m terrified of what he’ll do if I do.
Every other thing Ollie had ever done to me poured out in the messages between us. It was like a bottle had been uncorked, and everything that I had been feeling and thinking up until that point came flooding out.
I’m so sorry that I stopped talking to you because of him.
Josh, do you really think I didn’t know already that he was behind it? Do you think that I think you’re the kind of person to just abandon a friend on a whim? It was self-preservation.
I was a coward.
You were under attack. He’s a controlling piece of shit and someone should do to him what he did to you with a fucking razor blade.
I need to figure out what I’m going to do.
Press charges. x
I need time. I’ll text soon if that’s okay?
Always. xx
I stored her number in my phone again, under a different name. Ollie was always checking my phone, and I needed to make sure he didn’t know I had woken from my manipulated daze. Amy was right. I did need to do something, but I didn’t feel strong enough to face down that particular demon just yet. Time to regain the strength I once had was what I needed.
After my birthday, I knew it was just a case of biding my time. I knew that, at some point, I would have to get away from him. I just needed to figure out how. For the most part, things didn’t change between Ollie and me. Everything happened just as it had before. Everything would be fine until he tried to touch me. I tried to control my natural responses when he did, but I just couldn’t help myself. I would flinch, move away, or just generally be unresponsive to his advances. It didn’t take long for that to piss him off. I was left wondering what would happen next. Would there be a second time, or a third? Would things get worse the next time? Fear became my constant companion when I was in Oliver’s company.