This time, Oliver wasn’t getting out on bail. This time, he wouldn’t be coming in through the front door of the only place left that I felt safe. Again, things trundled on towards a court date. It was explained to me that he was charged with attempted murder on top of his previous charges. He was going to go to prison for a very long time.
I started seeing Tim twice a week. I rambled incoherently most of the time about the random thoughts that surged through my mind about everything that had happened. I had violent outbursts of rage at the injustice I felt. Oliver in prison, perfectly healthy, and me on the outside, broken, scarred, and terrified. The unfairness of the whole universal system plagued me.
The weeks before the trial passed faster than I had expected. Finally, I got the verdict I wanted and needed. Everyone stood and the judge began to read out his judgement.
“Mr Oliver Watson, you have hereby been found guilty of the counts of rape and sexual assault, grievous bodily harm, and attempted murder. I would just like to have it on the court’s record that I find your actions to be wholly abhorrent. You acted with vindictive malice when you entered Mr Shaw’s property, and you quite clearly intended to kill him. It is for this reason that, under the guidelines set out for the other offences you have committed against Mr Malone’s person, I feel the only recourse of this court is to sentence you to twenty-five years. I would also like to add it to the record that if there were any way for me to extend your sentence, I would be doing so. Bailiff, you may take the prisoner down.”
Alice and Amy embraced each other and then me. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. My eyes stayed staring at Oliver as he was escorted from the courtroom to the holding cells beneath the courthouse, ready to be transported to prison. Only when he disappeared from my view did I finally look at my foster mother and best friend.
I should have felt free. I should have felt relief, but instead, I felt nothing. I was numb and completely detached from the outcome.
I wanted so desperately to recover from everything that had happened. I wanted to be free of the despair and fear. However, there were things about the whole situation that had not only rocked my trust in everyone and everything, but had also made me feel, even now, that I was somehow to blame. Tim and I discussed it relentlessly in our twice-weekly sessions. We talked about the panic attacks and what I thought was triggering them now that they seemed to come all the time and with such force.
The months since his November conviction passed quickly, but I felt like I was getting somewhere with Tim’s help. The black hole that threatened to swallow me at the start got smaller and smaller, little by little. As the date of my birthday—April 10th—rolled around, my panic attacks amplified, and I found it hard to keep my emotions under control.
Alice and Amy were my rocks, my constant companions, and given the circumstances that had surrounded my nineteenth birthday, they wanted to make sure my twentieth was smaller but special.
We were all sitting down at the dining room table to have some birthday cake when there was a knock at the door. When Alice returned, her smile had gone, and PC Beckett was behind her, her face grim.
“What?” I asked. “What’s happened now?!” I demanded, already feeling my heart start to race.
Beckett had us all sit down in the living room, and she explained that at 6 a.m. that morning, Oliver Watson was found hanged in his prison cell. He had left me a note.
“It said, ‘Tell sunshine to have a Happy Birthday from me.’ I’m so sorry, Josh,” she told us.
I stared at her in disbelief, and then I had to run. I sprinted up the stairs, taking them two at a time before being sick. When I finally returned downstairs, Alice came straight to me and hugged me tightly.
“He’s never coming back, my sweet child. He can never touch you ever again,” she told me.
I knew her intention was to make me feel better, but I just felt empty. Amy looked at me, her face full of pity and sorrow. My heart was racing, my breathing shallow; another hefty panic attack was starting. I did the only thing my body seemed to feel comfortable with. I sank to the floor like a stone, blacking out completely.