I am half agony, half hope
Jane Austen, Persuasion
Anna’s heart lurched so wildly, she clutched her chest, the bag falling to the ground from her shaking fingers.
‘It’ll be okay, it’ll be okay,’ she intoned under her breath.
Oliver hadn’t moved from the gate. Had he hoped she’d be gone by now? Had he come to take possession? His expression wasn’t encouraging, his blue eyes dark with some sort of emotion. Was he still angry with her?
Then, Oliver started forward and Anna’s heart gambolled around in her rib cage. He wore an open-necked shirt again and today, if she was not mistaken, he was sporting something closer to a ten o’clock shadow. Damn him for looking so gorgeous.
He fetched up in front of her, but Anna was now fixated on her feet.
‘Anna.’
She swallowed hard. No one said her name quite like Oliver did.
‘Look at me.’
Slowly, Anna raised her head. How could she conceal her feelings from him? What was louder, her heart throbbing in her ears or the waves pounding the distant rocks?
Oliver drew in a short breath. ‘Damn it! I can’t think straight when you’re looking at me with those big eyes.’
Anna let out an involuntary laugh. ‘But you told me to look at you.’
‘I did.’
Oliver’s expression was unreadable, but then he pulled her to him and kissed her soundly. He released her just as quickly, and Anna took a trembling step backwards as he turned away, her fingers touching her mouth. Then he swung back to face her.
‘I’m sorry.’
Anna’s hand dropped to her side, her lips still tingling from the contact, as Oliver paced away from her, stopping by the railing. She tried to pull her confused thoughts into some order. Sorry? For what? Kissing her? What now? She could stay here, both of them saying nothing. Or she could go to him.
Her feet were moving before she’d even finished thinking about it, and she fetched up behind him.
‘Oliver?’
He stilled but said nothing.
Tentatively, Anna reached out a hand and touched his arm, and he turned around. She stepped closer, her eyes searching his face for some clue as to what was going on between them.
Then, he shook his head. ‘I’m just sorry. For everything.’
Anna stared at him in disbelief. ‘You’re sorry? I’m the one who needs to apologise. I mean, I still don’t fully understand, but I should have given you the chance to explain.’
Oliver raised his hands in a helpless gesture, then they fell to his sides. ‘I shouldn’t have walked out like that. You were right. I’ve been keeping a secret from you, and I owe you the truth.’ He drew in a breath. ‘I did come round that weekend the boys were here because of what you’d told me at the office. There was something I needed to find before you did.’ He stopped, raking a hand through his hair, and Anna held her breath, her heart clenching as he confirmed some of her suspicions.
He continued. ‘But it’s not what you think. And once I was here, I couldn’t seem to leave. Didn’t want to, though I didn’t know why.’ He stopped again, and Anna let the silence fall between them, not wanting to interrupt. He swallowed visibly. ‘It wasn’t proof of the second will. That wasn’t what brought me over, made me keen to search the papers.’
‘Oh?’ Anna’s curiosity was at its height. ‘Then what was it?’
‘Meg. She was my grandmother.’
Anna’s eyes widened. ‘But – but how? I mean she…’
‘Yes, I know. She had no relatives. I swear I didn’t know, not until about four years ago.’
Oliver looked around, then gestured towards the cliff-top garden. ‘Can we go and sit somewhere? There’s quite a bit to tell you.’
Confused beyond words, Anna led Oliver round to the large terrace where they both sank into a couple of chairs.
Oliver said nothing for a moment, his attention on Harbourwatch, and Anna waited, her own eyes fastened hungrily on him.
Then, he straightened up and turned to look at her. ‘You remember, I’m sure, Meg had an infant sister who died?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Sarah wasn’t her sister. She was her daughter.’ He raised a hand as Anna went to speak. ‘I know, but think about the time. It was 1953. Meg was fifteen and pregnant. Her family did well to allow her to stay with them, but they passed the child off as a sister, and she didn’t die. That was the story populated by her parents. The baby was put up for adoption.’
Anna stared speechlessly at Oliver, trying to take in all he said.
‘Sarah – or Melanie, as she was renamed by her adoptive parents – was my mother.’
Anna leaned back in her seat. ‘And you didn’t know.’
Oliver shook his head. ‘I found out when my mother died. Came across the adoption records in her papers. Set me off on a trail trying to find her roots.’
‘It’s like an episode of Long Lost Family,’ Anna whispered.
‘Almost too late. It took time to go through all the necessary procedures to get permission to contact a person of interest in an adoption. There are so many rules—’ He waved a hand. ‘I’ll tell you about it one day.’
The tension in Anna’s shoulders eased a little. ‘One day’ sounded like forever right now, and she held onto it.
‘By the time Meg and I met, there was only about a year before her illness began to manifest itself. She begged me not to reveal our connection, and I promised to keep her secret. I think the stigma of the shame of being pregnant at such an age, unmarried, back in the fifties, never left her.’ He slumped back in his seat, and Anna’s heart went out to him. He looked so weary. ‘When you mentioned the stacks of paperwork going back years, I feared that somewhere in there might be correspondence from the intermediary company from when I tried to contact her. I’d made a vow, Anna, to protect Meg and her secret.’
‘And you found it?’
‘By some miracle, yes. In one of the boxes I took. I wanted to tell you so badly. I almost did, that day we had lunch, but in the end I couldn’t. Made up an excuse about needing you to do that research.’
It all started to make sense. Anna eyed him with sympathy. They’d had so little time in the end. ‘But Aunt Meg did know you for a good while?’
‘Yes, we were properly reconciled. She was sad to know there could be no such meeting with her daughter.’ Oliver’s face darkened. ‘My mother…’ He shook his head. ‘I was so angry with her for not telling me what she knew, for concealing that I had a grandmother who longed desperately for her lost child.’
‘It’s so sad.’ Anna hesitated, then pressed on. ‘But you decided to move here?’
‘I needed somewhere secluded to write, but I also wanted to be near Meg. Took a lease on Harbourwatch. When the diagnosis came, I set about doing all I could to ease her final years. It wasn’t much: continuing to maintain the cottage and the gardens, and then, when she went into the hospice, visiting her, taking flowers, talking to her. She knew me now and again at first, but not for long.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Anna bit her lip. ‘Did she ever mention me?’
‘In the early days, yes. Of course, in her mind, she must have thought she’d already dealt properly with the second will. She never said anything about you inheriting – or me, come to that. I had no idea who would claim the property, or who you were when I first saw you.’ He smiled faintly. ‘Though I worked it out pretty quickly.’
He looked over towards Harbourwatch, and Anna bit her lip as she studied his profile. This really wasn’t the time to wish he’d kiss her again. She cleared her throat.
‘And, er, did it cross your mind she might have done this, after I found out about the will’s existence – with it being dated after you’d found each other, I mean?’
‘Not at first. And when it did, I thought perhaps she’d decided to leave us both something.’ He looked over, and Anna held her breath as their gazes locked. ‘The search mattered to you. I did what I could, said what I could to help, but none of it was for myself. I almost feared finding it, for what it might mean for you.’ He inhaled deeply. ‘I didn’t want the cottage.’
‘I’m so sorry for what I accused you of. I thought—’
‘I know what you thought.’ Oliver let out a huff of breath. ‘Why wouldn’t you? I have been buying property in Polkerran, but not because—’ He paused, a smile tugging at his mouth. ‘What was it you called me?’
Anna shook her head. ‘Please don’t, Oliver. I feel terrible.’
‘But you know why.’
It was a statement, not a question, but Anna answered all the same. ‘Yes. Daniel told me what you’d done for him and Mrs Clegg. I also found out Alex was the person trying to force Aunt Meg’s hand. But I had tried to see you before I knew any of that.’
‘I know. Mrs Clegg told me you came over, when I got back this morning.’
His attention was with Harbourwatch again.
‘Oliver?’ He looked over at her. ‘Where have you been?’
‘I’ve been up to London to visit the Queen.’
She couldn’t help but laugh at his use of the nursery rhyme. ‘Even I’m not going to believe that.’
He smiled faintly. ‘Fair enough. But I did go to London. We’ll probably never know for certain, but I think Meg’s desire to keep her secret led her to seeking an anonymous solicitor for the new will.’ He fixed his blue eyes on Anna. ‘I went to see them. I wanted to refuse the bequest.’
Staring at him in disbelief, Anna’s heart swelled with love.
‘There’s a process to go through,’ Oliver continued. ‘This later will revokes the first, but as Meg’s next of kin, the estate is mine to dispose of as I wish.’ He leaned towards her. ‘You can stay at Westerleigh, Anna. It’s going to be legally yours.’
Close to tears, Anna couldn’t find any words. How could she have ever thought anything she’d felt for Alex, or even Giles, was anywhere near the depth of feeling she had for this man? Feeling terrible over her previous actions, Anna got unsteadily to her feet. How could she ever hope for him to understand, to forgive her for her stupidity?
Oliver got to his feet too. ‘Will you explain something to me now?’
Anna blinked back tears, then drew in a short breath. ‘Yes, of course.’
‘Why did you react so strongly, not want to hear me out?’
‘I owe you an apology for that.’ Anna suddenly felt very clear about things.
‘I’d prefer understanding why.’
Silence embraced them, with Anna grasping firmly to her resolve, trying desperately to read his expression in the fading light, and failing. She owed him the truth.
‘Be warned, you might not like the answer. I— I’ve fallen in love with you, you see.’ Anna hesitated, then the words spilled from her lips with gay abandon. ‘I don’t care if that shocks or dismays you, or even amuses you. Love isn’t something you have any time for, but I had to say it. Be honest with you. I was so… so upset by discovering what appeared to be your duplicity. If I hadn’t fallen in love with you, I might have been angry, but I wouldn’t have felt so destroyed.’
Oliver swallowed visibly. His shoulders were rigid, and Anna longed to run her hands over them to soothe them.
‘So, is that what this is?’ He waved an arm, and Anna drew in a shallow breath.
‘What what is?’
He turned and walked away a few paces, then stopped and shoved his hands into his pockets before turning to face her. The wind barely stirred his hair and his piercing blue gaze held hers for a moment.
‘Love. Not being able to sleep. Staring out of my windows every time I pass one, looking to see if there’s a light on, any sign of life in your cottage.’ He walked over to the wall bordering the terrace, his attention now on Harbourwatch. ‘Finding I can’t concentrate on my work, the marriage I had fostered with my profession. Finding I don’t want to concentrate on it. Seeing the life I’ve built so carefully slowly being dismantled, and not caring, because the hand doing the dismantling is the gentlest, the kindest, and the most precious one I’ve ever known.’
Oliver turned around, and Anna tried to calm her rapidly beating heart. Was he saying what she hoped he was?
‘I thought I’d experienced it once. Didn’t rate it much before now, as you know.’ His face remained serious, but his voice had softened.
‘I thought so too. Or at least, I convinced myself what I felt in the past was as good as it could get.’
‘I didn’t know, didn’t understand why I couldn’t stay away.’ Oliver smiled faintly. ‘I kept trying to think of reasons to call on you, talk to you. And I’m no conversationalist.’
Anna shook her head. ‘You simply choose not to be.’
‘Fair point. Then, leaving you for the tour, I felt torn away but didn’t understand why. Every day I wanted to call you, and when I got your text—’
‘I’m still embarrassed by that.’
He shook his head. ‘Don’t be. All through that long drive images of you kept spinning through my mind. When I saw you in the darkness in the neglected cottage, pale and startled, I had this irrational anger, wanted to protect you but didn’t know why. A slideshow ran through my head as the miles passed: you working at your desk and keeping up one of your strange one-sided conversations with Dougal and Thumper. You at the Tremaynes’ dinner party. Your face in the firelight when we talked here at Westerleigh.’ His face darkened. ‘You with Tremayne.’ He blew out a breath. ‘I knew by the time I’d parked up in the driveway I was in deep, but when we went to the beach, the truth hit me.’ He took a step towards her. ‘I’m no good at this sort of thing, Anna. I don’t even know where things stand between you and Tremayne, but I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t eat, sleep, think of anything but you.’
Anna could hardly believe it, her throat so tight the threat of tears had returned. ‘Alex and I are over.’ Her voice broke. ‘It’s you I love, Oliver. Only you.’ She took the remaining paces into Oliver’s open arms, and as they closed around her, a tear slowly rolled down her cheek.
Oliver wiped it away with his thumb, his hand moving to cup her cheek as he leaned down and kissed her. The sounds around them – the ever-present gulls, the waves against the rocks – faded as Anna clung to Oliver, her hands sliding up to his shoulders. The feel of his mouth moving against hers, the strength in the arm holding her close, the hand supporting the back of her head all felt so right.
It was as though by coming into his embrace, she had truly come home.
Oliver released Anna slowly, dropping a trail of kisses along her cheek before claiming her lips for one more, lingering kiss, and Anna savoured the pressure of her mouth against his, her heart swelling with happiness as she returned his kisses with equal fervour. How could this be happening?
Ending the kiss, Oliver drew in a breath, then loosened his hold. ‘We must have misunderstandings more often if this is how they end.’
Anna smiled, still trying to get her breath back. ‘Let’s not.’ She sobered. ‘I was planning to leave. Never come back.’
‘I’d have found you.’ He pressed a firm kiss on her lips.
Anna smiled at him as he released her and grasped her hand. ‘I can’t stop smiling. I’ve gone from the depths of despair to such happiness.’ Her tummy rumbled, and she laughed away the embarrassment. ‘I’m starving, and all I have right now are more cakes and biscuits than you can imagine.’
With a smile, Oliver took her hand as they walked around to the front door. ‘Takeaway?’
He set off for the chip shop while Anna, her heart brimming with happiness, busied herself making coffee. That would help. She opened a bottle of wine, hurrying over to get glasses from the cupboard, then turned her attention to switching on some lamps.
She stood at the window, staring across at Harbourwatch, a soft smile on her face, when Oliver returned, bringing with him the comforting aroma of fish and chips.
They sat at the table to eat, the conversation sporadic, sharing memories of Aunt Meg and sometimes just staring at each other, then breaking into a smile. It felt so right to be here in her kitchen, together.
Leaving the dirty plates for the morning, Anna followed Oliver over to the sofa with the wine bottle. She didn’t want him to go, even though he would only be across the water. Would he think her too forward if she asked him to stay?
She suddenly felt overcome with shyness. This was Oliver – he was her boss. They’d been working in close proximity for months now, and here she was, thinking about getting cosy under the sheets with him!
Cosy? Who was she kidding?
Oliver pulled her down onto the sofa beside him, taking the bottle and placing it on the coffee table, and Anna nestled her face against his shoulder, trying to conceal her glowing cheeks.
There was an empty vase on the coffee table. She’d thrown the flowers onto the compost heap earlier in the day, but it reminded her of something she’d been meaning to ask Oliver, and she grasped at it to cover her awkwardness.
‘You said you saw me in the graveyard, that first time. There were some lovely flowers on Aunt Meg’s grave. Had you just put them there?’
He didn’t answer for a moment and she wondered if he’d fallen asleep, and she raised her head to look at him. He was awake.
‘No. I had come to tend her grave, but someone else was leaving flowers so I left them to it. Then, I saw you arrive.’
She sat up. ‘But the headstone? Did you arrange for it? Plant the spring bulbs?’
He hesitated, then nodded.
Anna took his hand in hers, her fleeting awkwardness dissolving in an instant. Could he possibly get any more adorable? ‘And the anonymous donor who covered all the funeral costs, settled all the hospice bills every month? That was you too, wasn’t it?’
Oliver stretched his legs out in front of him and pulled her back down to rest her head on his shoulder again.
‘She was my grandmother, but no one else was to know. I had to be discreet in case it raised questions.’
Anna pushed herself up again and eyed him lovingly. ‘I’m so glad she got to know you before it was too late.’ She leaned forward and kissed him. ‘I love you.’
He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, then leaned forward and kissed her back. ‘And I love you too.’ He glanced at the clock. ‘But it’s getting late. I ought to go.’
‘Please don’t go yet. I’ve missed you so much the last two weeks.’ She smiled impishly. ‘I’m lost without my grumpy boss.’
Oliver sat up, pulling her round to face him. ‘Busy day in the office tomorrow. Conference tour mop-up. Book edits are back.’
‘But the boss won’t mind if I’m in late, will he?’
Oliver raised a brow, but a smile was tugging at his mouth. ‘I think he might be understanding of the mitigating circumstances.’
A sudden image of them making out in the office flew into Anna’s mind, and she blinked. How would working together be now? She’d never be able to concentrate there again!
‘What are you thinking?’ Oliver’s expression was amused. ‘You’re going very pink.’
Anna smiled sheepishly. ‘About work – the office, I mean. What it will be like now.’
Oliver leaned a little closer, his blue eyes fixed on her. ‘It could be a minefield.’ His gaze dropped to her mouth, and he lowered his voice. ‘All that gossip by the water cooler.’
Her breathing shallow, Anna stared up at him. ‘Dougal and Thumper are known for their discretion.’ Her words ended in a tremor, as Oliver trailed a finger across her lips and leaned closer still.
‘Would you like me to fire you, to make it easier?’ He kissed the left of her mouth, then drew back a little.
Anna shook her head. ‘It’s not difficult.’
He leaned forward again and pressed a kiss on the right side of her mouth. ‘What is it, then?’
Her eyes closed as his mouth moved along her chin line and then down her neck. ‘It feels—’ She let out a small gasp. ‘Feels a bit… pervy.’
Oliver’s mouth trembled against the base of her throat where it had come to rest. He was laughing!
Anna opened her eyes, then began to giggle. Said out loud, it sounded ridiculous.
Oliver sat back. ‘I’ve been called a few names in my time, but—’
‘Not you! Us… doing… things we don’t normally… do.’
He smiled. ‘I’m sure we’ll be able to control ourselves. Although I always did find “Dear Sir stroke Madam” a difficult phrase to dictate with a straight face.’
‘You’d need a comma after “sir” for it to be an instruction.’
Oliver raised a brow. ‘Is that an invitation?’
She smirked. ‘Maybe.’
Sweeping her into his arms, Oliver started kissing her again and Anna melted into his embrace, her body crushed up against him, her mouth responding willingly to his, her hands pressed against his back. Heavens, he was a good kisser!
Slowly, Oliver brought the kiss to a close, then leaned his forehead against hers, his breathing uneven. ‘I really have to leave. I was barely in the house five minutes. I had to see you.’
‘Then don’t go.’ Anna leaned back so she could see his face. ‘Stay with me, Oliver.’ Lord, she was being forward again! What had happened to the shyness? But this mattered. A lot.
Anna leaned back in his arms for a moment, her eyes searching his face.
‘You’re absolutely sure, Anna?’
She reached out to touch his face. ‘I’ve never been surer of anything in my entire life.’