Cowboys #2 was first performed at the Mark Taper Forum, Los Angeles, in November 1967, as part of an evening of plays entitled The Scene, with the following cast:
| STU: | Gary Hanes | |
| CHET: | Philip Austin | |
| MAN NUMBER ONE: | Lucian Baker | |
| MAN NUMBER TWO: | John Rose |
It was directed by Edward Parone.
The setting is a bare stage, very dimly lit. Upstage center is a sawhorse with a yellow caution light mounted on it. The light blinks on and off throughout the play. On each side of the sawhorse is a YOUNG MAN seated against the upstage wall. They both wear black pants, black shirts and vests, and black hats. They seem to be sleeping. Offstage is the sound of a single cricket, which lasts throughout the play. As the curtain rises there is a long pause, then a saw is heard offstage, then a hammer, then the saw again.
MAN NUMBER ONE: (Off left) It’s going to rain.
STU: Do you think so?
CHET: What?
STU: Uh, rain?
CHET: Oh … sure. Maybe.
STU: Could be.
CHET: Let’s see.
(MAN NUMBER ONE whistles as if calling a dog off left. Pause.)
STU: It wouldn’t be bad for my clothes.
CHET: Clothes?
STU: It’d be good for my clothes, I said. It’d be like taking a bath with my clothes on.
CHET: Sure. It’d be the same for me, I guess.
STU: Sure. Why don’t you go over there and see if you can see any cloud formations?
(He points downstage. CHET gets up and crosses downstage like an old man. He stands center and looks up at the sky, then speaks like an old man.)
CHET: Well, well, well, well. I tell ya’, boy. I tell ya’. Them’s some dark ones, Mel. Them’s really some dark ones.
STU: (Talking like an old man) Dark, eh? How long’s it been since ya’ seen ’em dark as that?
CHET: How long’s it been? Long? How long?
STU: Yeah. How long a time, Clem?
CHET: Long a time? Well, it’s been a piece. A piece a’ time. Say maybe, off a year or so. Maybe that.
STU: A year, eh?
CHET: Yep. Could be longer.
STU: Longer?
CHET: Yep. Could be two or three year since I seen ’em all dark like that.
STU: That’s a piece a’ time, Clem. That’s for sure.
CHET: Yep! Yep! (He whistles loudly and starts doing a dance like an old man.)
STU: (Normal voice) Hey! Come back!
(CHET stops short. He walks back upstage like an old man and sits in his original position. MAN NUMBER TWO whistles from off right. CHET and STU look in the direction of whistling, then at each other.)
You know what?
CHET: What?
STU: I think I’ll take a look.
CHET: Okay.
(STU stands and walks downstage like an old man. He looks up at the sky and speaks like an old man.)
STU: By jingo! Them really is some dark ones.
CHET: Sure.
STU: Them’s really dark like ya’ said, Mel!
CHET: Dark as they come.
STU: All dark and puckery like—like—
CHET: Like what?
STU: Well …
CHET: Like what?
STU: (To CHET, in a normal voice) Would you give me a chance?
CHET: Like what?
STU: Give me a chance to figure like what. I haven’t even thought of it yet. So give me a chance.
CHET: Okay.
(STU turns back and looks at the sky; he looks for a while.)
Have you decided?
(STU turns back to CHET.)
I’m sorry.
STU: Are you going to give me a chance or aren’t you?
CHET: I said I’m sorry. So go ahead.
(STU turns back and looks at the sky again.)
STU: (Old man) By jingo, them’s really some dark ones, eh, Mel?
CHET: Fuck.
STU: (Turning suddenly to CHET) Goddamn you!
CHET: Well, shit, why don’t you say it? I’m not going to sit here all day.
STU: All right! (He turns back very fast to the audience and looks at the sky; he says the lines rapidly.) By jingo, them’s really some dark ones, eh, Mel? I haven’t probably seen clouds as dark as them myself.
CHET: (Stands and yells at STU) So!
STU: (Still facing the audience) So it’s important! Ya’ got to notice things like that! It’s important!
CHET: So!
STU: So ya’ can stay alive or something. Ya’ got to notice things like that.
CHET: Why?
STU: So ya’ can tell when it’s gonna’ rain! So ya’ can tell when it’s gonna’ snow. So ya’ can tell when—when—so ya’ can tell!
CHET: I seen ’em already!
STU: Good!
CHET: I seen ’em lots a’ times in Utah and in other places.
STU: (Turns to CHET) So?
CHET: So I already seen ’em. If I already seen ’em, there ain’t no point in me lookin’ agin.
(CHET sits abruptly. There is a pause, then STU starts doing jumping calisthenics, clapping his hands over his head. He faces CHET as he does this.)
STU: Clap, clap, clap. Clapping, clapping. Clap.
CHET: What are you doing?
STU: This?
CHET: That.
STU: Oh. Well, you remember yesterday?
CHET: Yesterday what?
STU: Remember yesterday when I was sitting and my feet fell asleep?
CHET: Yeah.
STU: Well, this is for that.
CHET: Oh. To get the blood going and circulating?
STU: Yes. To get the blood going the way it should.
CHET: So it runs.
STU: So it runs.
CHET: So it doesn’t stop and get clogged up?
STU: Right.
CHET: You know, you may have something like, uh, diabetes.
STU: (Stops and looks at CHET) Diabetes?
CHET: Yes. It may be a low sugar content.
STU: No. That’s diabetes.
CHET: Yes.
STU: Well, that’s what I don’t have. (He starts jumping again.)
CHET: You don’t know. You can’t really tell.
(CHET gets up and crosses to STU. He walks around STU in a circle, talking to him as STU continues jumping.)
Diabetes is a strange thing. Very strange. It’s been known to lie dormant for years, then one day it just pops up. And there you are.
(STU stops as CHET continues to walk around him.)
STU: Where?
CHET: There you are, lying in bed or sitting on a subway or walking down the street or eating a hamburger or drinking a Coke or smoking a cigarette.
STU: There I am.
CHET: There you are and you fall over.
(CHET falls on the ground. STU stands looking down at him.)
You fall out. You breathe harder and you get weaker and weaker. There was this kid I remember in junior high school. He had it. He collapsed one day right in math class. Just fell out of his chair and collapsed on the floor. Well, we had to bring him sugar. That’s what it takes. Sugar. Each one of us had to go to the cafeteria and bring him back a bowl full of sugar. Each one of us.
STU: How did he do?
CHET: What?
STU: How did he pull through?
CHET: Oh. Shh!
STU: What?
CHET: Shh! Listen.
(CHET stands slowly. They both stand facing the audience and listening. The sound of rain is heard faintly offstage; it builds as they continue the scene.)
STU: Is it?
CHET: Sounds like it.
(Smiling, they look up at the sky.)
STU: I think it is.
(They start doing a dance and laughing, slowly building and getting more hysterical.)
CHET: It’s them clouds!
STU: Rain! Rain, mother!
(They take off their hats and wave them over their heads.)
CHET: It’s comin’ down.
(They become the old men again.)
(They laugh hysterically.)
CHET: My clothes!
STU: You could tell by them fuckin’ clouds!
CHET: Rain on me!
STU: Come on, baby!
CHET: It’s like the great flood of 1683!
STU: Everything’s wet!
CHET: Wet all over!
STU: Look at the mud!
CHET: Mud!
(They fall on the floor and roll around in the imaginary mud.)
STU: Mud! You’re beautiful!
CHET: All this mud!
STU: Mud all over!
CHET: Kiss me, mud!
STU: Dirty mud!
CHET: Aaah!
STU: Muddy, muddy!
CHET: Dirty gook!
(They kiss the floor and throw mud on each other.)
STU: Muck and slime!
CHET: Aaah, mud!
STU: Fucky, fuck!
CHET: Mud and guck!
(The rain sound stops suddenly.)
(They slowly stop laughing and roll over on their backs. They stare at the ceiling.)
CHET: You know, some girl asked me about the Big Dipper and I couldn’t tell her.
STU: You couldn’t tell her what?
CHET: I couldn’t tell her anything about it. The big one.
STU: Is that the big one? (He points to the ceiling.)
CHET: That’s what she asked me and I couldn’t tell her, so how can I tell you?
STU: Is that the big one or the little one? (A pause.) Is that the big one or the little one?
CHET: It looks like the little one to me.
STU: Can’t you tell? (A pause.) Can’t you tell?
(CHET stands suddenly and walks upstage looking at the ceiling.)
You don’t know?
CHET: I said before that it looks like the little one. I said that. Now what?
STU: Then it is the little one, isn’t it?
CHET: I guess! Yes! Why not?
(STU stands and walks up to CHET. CHET walks around the stage looking up at the ceiling as STU follows close behind him.)
STU: It should be the little one, if you say it’s the little one.
CHET: I guess.
STU: I guess it is, Chet.
CHET: I guess it is, Stu.
STU: You’re probably right. I’ve never seen either one really, so I can’t tell.
CHET: I’ve never seen them together.
STU: They don’t come out together, do they?
CHET: I don’t know.
STU: That’s the only way to compare them. To see them together.
CHET: I guess.
STU: That looks like the little one though.
(CHET turns suddenly to STU; they stare at each other. MAN NUMBER ONE and MAN NUMBER TWO whistle back and forth across the stage, then stop.)
CHET: (Old man’s voice) Clem, I thought we was in the Red Valley.
STU: (Old man’s voice) Red Valley? That’s right, Mel. This here’s the Red Valley area.
CHET: Is that right?
STU: That’s right, boy. Come on down here.
(STU leads CHET downstage center. They look out over the audience.)
CHET: What?
STU: Come on. Now see that? (He points off in the distance.)
CHET: What?
STU: See all that out there? That area all out in there?
CHET: Yep.
STU: That’s it, Clem.
CHET: This whole area’s the Red Valley?
(The sound of horses running can be heard faintly offstage.)
STU: That’s right, Mel.
CHET: This here’s the same Red Valley you was referrin’ to back in Des Moines?
STU: This here’s the very same area.
(The horses get louder.)
CHET: The very same place? Clem, I think you was either lyin’ to me or you was misinformed somehow.
STU: How’s that, Mel?
CHET: Listen.
(The horses get louder.)
STU: What’s that?
CHET: Well, that’s what I mean.
STU: What?
CHET: That.
(He points in the distance. The sound of Indians screaming joins in with the horses and becomes very loud.)
STU: Damn.
CHET: We got to do somethin’, boy.
STU: Get down behind them barrels and get out yer rifle.
(They kneel down and hold imaginary rifles.)
CHET: Sure is a lot of ’em, Clem.
STU: Well, we can hold ’em for a while.
CHET: Don’t have much ammo …
STU: We’ll fight ’em with our rifle butts after that.
(The sound offstage gets very loud and is joined by gunfire.)
CHET: Wait till they get up close.
STU: Okay.
CHET: Okay. Fire!
(They make gun noises and fire at imaginary Indians.)
STU: Fire!
STU: Damn! Look like Apaches!
CHET: Some of ’em’s Comanches, Clem!
STU: Fire!
CHET: Good boy, ya’ got him!
STU: Fire!
CHET: Got him again. One shot apiece, Clem.
STU: Get ’em, Mel.
CHET: Fire! Got me a brave! Got me a brave!
STU: Good boy!
CHET: Thought he was fancy, ridin’ a pinto.
STU: Your left, Clem. Got him! Tore him up!
CHET: Good boy. Got him in the head that time. Right in the head.
Watch it!
STU: Fire!
CHET: ’Atta baby!
(STU grabs his shoulder, screams and falls back. CHET stands and yells out at the audience, firing his rifle.)
You lousy redskinned punks! Think you can injure my buddy? Lousy red assholes! Come back and fight!
(The sound fades out. CHET pulls STU upstage and props him up against the wall.)
STU: My arm …
CHET: Ya’ okay, boy?
STU: Got me in the arm.
CHET: Take it easy. Easy. I’ll take care a’ ya’, boy. Take it easy.
STU: Redskins all over.
CHET: Red Valley area. (CHET rolls STU’s sleeve up and breaks off an imaginary arrow.) Easy, boy.
STU: My arm …
CHET: I’ll get it. Gonna’ be okay.
CHET: Bloody, blood.
STU: Mud.
(CHET crosses downstage center. He kneels down on the edge of the stage and takes his hat off. He dips his hat in an imaginary stream as though the edge of the stage were the bank.)
CHET: Water. Gonna’ get ya’ some a’ this. (He pours water on his head from the hat. He dips his hat again and pours more water on his head.) Good water. Aaah. All sweet and everything.
(He dips his hat again and carries the hat carefully upstage. He throws the water in STU’s face. STU jumps up. They talk in normal voices.)
STU: What the fuck are you doing!
CHET: I was—I was trying to cool you off.
STU: Thanks.
CHET: Okay.
STU: I don’t need it.
CHET: Oh.
STU: I’m cool already.
CHET: Oh.
STU: So thanks anyway.
CHET: That’s all right.
(STU crosses downstage center and sits. He takes off his shoes and socks and puts his feet in the stream. He sits on the edge of the stage. A pause. CHET remains upstage looking at STU.)
STU: Nice.
CHET: What?
STU: Air.
CHET: Air?
STU: Yep. Used to be lots of orange orchards around here, you know.
STU: Yep. Lots. All over. You could smell them.
CHET: I guess. I’m sorry about the water.
STU: They were all over. Then they cut them all down, one at a time. Every one. Built schools for kids and homes for old flabby ladies and halls for heroes and streets for cars and houses for people.
CHET: I was trying to cool you off, Stu.
STU: Then buses for kids to go to the schools and buses to take them back. Peacocks. Peacocks for mansions. For gardens. Peacocks screaming like mothers and daughters. Peacocks screwing on top of people’s houses. Peacocks shitting in people’s driveways. On people’s cars. They can hardly fly. Fat, ugly birds with no wings and overlong tails. Tail feathers that people put in vases and set on top of fireplaces and dust collects on them. They dust them off. Green feathers with eyes in the middle. Blue eyes in the middle of green feathers. You can’t eat peacocks. They’re too tough.
CHET: I’m sorry, Stu.
STU: Pheasant is the thing they eat.
CHET: Stu?
(Car horns are heard offstage. STU stands and looks out over the audience.)
STU: Bird of paradise. That’s a flower. They grow like that. Acres full of bird of paradise. Truck comes by in the morning and picks them up. They take them to another town and sell them. They go in vases, too. Peacock feathers and bird of paradise. They just leave them in vases and let the stems rot and the water gets all smelly and green.
(He picks up his shoes and socks and crosses slowly upstage. He walks backward looking at the audience; as he does this CHET slowly crosses downstage, also looking out at the audience.)
They have turtles, too. Turtles, with painted shells from the county fair. A dozen turtles in bowls and pans, with water and rocks and turtle food floating around. Then the turtles die and the water gets all green and slimy and smells. The whole house starts smelling from dead turtles and rotten stems and slimy water. Pens full of sheep and lambs. Chicken coops with chicken-do hanging in the wire. The chickens walk all over it and through it. Their feet rot after a while from walking in their own crap so much.
(Car horns are heard offstage.)
They start eating it after a while, and it gets inside them and infects their throat and their liver. Their livers rot and their feathers fall out. Their skin gets all blue and pus starts coming out their noses. They bleed from the mouth and can’t control their bowels. It just runs out of them like water. They lie there in a pool of shit and pus and feathers and cluck. It’s a little cluck in the back of their throat. Their wings throb and they make this clucking sound and they just lie there.
(CHET sits on the edge of the stage. STU lies down on his back upstage. The car horns continue. There is a long pause.)
CHET: It’s a nice morning though. (He takes off his shoes and socks and puts his feet in the stream.)
STU: Hm.
CHET: I like mornings. Any kind of morning. You know what I like best about mornings? Hey, Stu!
STU: Hm?
CHET: Do you know what I like about mornings more than anything?
STU: What?
CHET: Food. All the different kinds of food.
STU: Food’s food.
CHET: Not in the morning. Food is more than food in the morning.
STU: It’s breakfast food.
CHET: I wasn’t talking about any kind of food. I was talking about food being different in the morning because you’re most hungry in the morning.
STU: Why?
CHET: Because you haven’t eaten all night. So when you get up, you’re really hungry.
STU: I see.
CHET: You know, I could go for some breakfast.
STU: Already?
CHET: Yep. Some scrambled eggs and hot chocolate and toast. Rye toast.
STU: This early?
CHET: Sure. Some farina. Hot farina with cold milk and prune juice. Maybe some pancakes, with butter and maple syrup and powdered sugar. About ten pancakes on top of each other. You know, they have all different kinds of cereals here. Cold and hot. Cornflakes, Rice Krispies, oatmeal, Sugar Corn Pops, farina, Malto-Meal, Nutrina, Purina, and many others.
(Car horns sound offstage. While CHET continues speaking, MAN NUMBER ONE and MAN NUMBER TWO carry on their conversation. They are unseen.)
It’s toe-jam. That’s what they call it. That’s what stinks. It’s not our feet. It’s the toe-jam. Whew! (He lies back.) It’s in our clothes, too. My clothes smell just like my body smells, only worse. Sweat. (He sits up and looks at the sky.) We’re going to go on sweating, too. In this sun we’re going to go on sweating and smelling more and more. (He squints his eyes and looks at the sun.) It’s just morning and look at the sun. It’s really early. (He stands suddenly still, looking out.) Hey, Stu! It’s morning and look at the sun already. What time is it, Stu? (He turns upstage.) Stu!
(He turns back very slowly toward the audience and becomes an old man again, shielding his eyes from the sun. MAN NUMBER ONE and MAN NUMBER TWO whistle back and forth, then stop.)
Well, well, well. The sun’s up already and it ain’t even time. It’s early yet. It’s comin’ down, boy. That heat. It’s gettin’ hot, Mel. I seen it like this before. (He turns and runs upstage to STU.) Mel, ya’ got to get up, boy. Ya’ got to get up now. (He shakes STU by the shoulder.) Enough sleep! We got to look for some water, boy! (He turns to the audience.) You don’t seem to realize the situation, Mel. We’re in fer some heat. We’re in fer some hot days now, and we got to find water. All right! All right! I’ll look fer the water and you sleep. Don’t move, boy. Just sleep and I’ll get the water. (He pulls his vest up over his head and wanders around the stage searching.) Where shall we look? Can’t exert. Got to save our strength. (He paces back and forth.) Good thing we got a lot a’ clothes, otherwise we’d be sunburned to death. Oh, it’s really hot. It’s really hot. I wonder how hot it is right now. Must be ninety at least. What if it’s ninety, Mel? If it’s ninety that means it could get up to a hundred or a hundred and ten or a hundred and twenty. We’ll be scorched and boiled. We got to find some shade. Mel! (He switches to his normal voice.) Okay, Stu, this isn’t funny. I don’t think it’s funny. You’re going to sleep all day while I bust my ass looking for shade? Come on. I’ll get you into some shade.
(He drags STU slowly downstage as the lights come up very slowly; the lights should reach their full brightness at the end of the play. Car horns are heard softly offstage.)
Come on down here. There’s better shade down here. Come on, boy. That’s it. Let me get ya’ some water. (He dips his hat in the stream and pours it over STU’s face; he does the same to himself. He looks up at the sky, then stands slowly. He talks like an old man.) By jingo, looky there. We’re really in trouble, Mel. Them birds. See them birds, Mel? See what they’re doing? I seen them things in Utah. Vultures. Condors or somethin’. Mean, nasty birds. They eat cows, Mel. I seen ’em eat a whole goddamn cow like it weren’t nothin’. Come on, come on. (He drags STU back upstage.) Got to get ya’ back. Get ya’ in the other shade.
(The horses and Indians join with car horns offstage and build in volume to the end of the play.)
Better shade back here. Gettin’ worse, Mel. Can’t feel my tongue no more. Worse. Need some shelter, boy. (He stands and yells at the birds.) Get away from here, you mothers! This ain’t funny! (He runs downstage, waving his hat at the birds.) This ain’t no joke, you shitty birds! What do ya’ think this is? TV or somethin’? I ain’t gettin’ et by no vultures. Get out!
(He runs upstage and drags STU back downstage again. As he does this MAN NUMBER ONE and MAN NUMBER TWO come on from opposite sides of the stage with scripts in their hands. They are both dressed in suits and are the same age as CHET and STU. They read from the scripts in monotone, starting from the beginning of the play. The sound builds to its full loudness; the lights come up all the way as CHET continues.)
Better shade, boy. Shade down here. Take it easy. Easy. Come on, boy. (He takes off his shirt and vest and covers STU’s head with them. He kneels, looking out at the audience.) Keep the sun off. Got to keep it off. Sunburn. Tongue’s cracked down the middle. All around the edges, Stu. Get away, birds! Get outa’ here! This ain’t the place! Go look fer some cows! Get out! Get out!
(The sound offstage stops suddenly. CHET stares at the sky. MAN NUMBER ONE and MAN NUMBER TWO continue reading in monotone as the lights dim down.)
CURTAIN