I GET TO SCHOOL early because I woke up a bundle of nerves. I barely even saw my parents. I ate breakfast and drank my daily cup of vervain tea alone, and then I was gone. I told my parents I was leaving early so I could get some studying done before class—but that didn’t happen. I don’t think I could get any studying done right now even if I wanted to. I’ve uncapped my emotions and now there’s no turning back until there’s some sort of resolution. I need to know how Rynne feels about me.
After sitting down on a bench in the commons, I pull out my cell phone and send Rynne a text, telling him to let me know when he gets here. My hands are shaking as I place my phone down next to me on the bench. I sent the message. That’s one step closer to telling him about how I feel—unless I chicken out at the last second and tell him I sent that text because I needed to ask him about our English homework assignment.
I shake my head and slap my face with my clammy hands. I need to get it together. I made my decision. Last night, I finally made a decision. I can’t back out now. I have to stop being such a coward one day. So why not today? It’s as good as any other, right? This is Rynne’s last year of high school. If I don’t tell him now, when will I?
Anxiously, I watch students trickle into the school. I nearly jump out of my skin when my phone vibrates next to me. I unlock my phone to see a new message from Rynne.
Probably won’t be there until class starts. Need something?
I sigh. Guess that means I won’t get to tell him before class. This really sucks. I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible so it wouldn’t sit in the back of my mind all day. Now it’s going to. I type a reply.
No. Don’t worry about it.
I continue sitting on the bench because there’s no point trying to get any studying done now that I’m even more wound up than before. As if things couldn’t get any worse, Wyatt comes into the school and walks in my direction. His backpack is slung over his shoulder casually and he has a big smile on his face as he greets the other students. Even though Wyatt likes to dress and look a little more eccentric, mostly with his immaculate pompadour, than most people in Reverie, he’s still the mayor’s son. That kind of automatically places him with the popular teens. He’s nice enough, but I liked it better when he spent all of his time with them instead of reaching out to me. I feel like he’s been going out of his way to talk to me way too much lately.
Right now, I’m especially not in the mood to deal with him, so I take a book out of my backpack and put it right in front of my face to try and hide from him. He either doesn’t see me, or he decides not to bother me. Either way, I’m grateful when he passes by me without saying a word.
The first bell rings. I sit on the bench for a moment longer, playing with the heart-shaped black diamond hanging around my neck. I beg it to help me through the day before I force myself off the bench and to my first class: English.
I take my assigned seat in the back of the classroom. Rynne’s assigned seat is near the front. I’ll probably end up staring at the back of his head the entire class. He hasn’t entered the classroom yet, though. I train my eyes on the door, and then I see him. Rynne walks into the room with his perfect smile and all-around friendly aura. I’m about to jump out of my seat to greet him, but then I see him talking to a couple of cheerleaders in our class. I stay glued to my seat. I can’t stop myself from staring at him, though.
I can’t hear what they’re talking about, but the girls start giggling when they’re done talking and take their assigned seats. Rynne stays near the doorway. I melt when he looks right at me. The second bell still hasn’t rung, so he walks to the back of the classroom and right up to me. He places his hands on my desk, close to mine, and leans forward slightly.
“You sure you didn’t need anything?” he asks me.
I shake my head vigorously. I’m still going to tell him today. I will, but not right now. Not in here where everyone will hear me. I’ll become the center of attention, and I definitely don’t want that.
“N-no. It’s nothing,” I tell him as I wring my hands. Our hands are so close I’d hardly have to move to touch him. “We’re still meeting after school, right?”
“Always do,”
Now I can smile. That will be the perfect time to tell him.
Rynne shifts his right hand, and then he does exactly what I was fantasizing. He places his hand on top of mine.
“Relax,” he tells me. “What has you so anxious first thing in the morning?”
I’m saved by the bell.
“Take your seats,” our teacher announces.
“I’ll see you at lunch,” Rynne says.
I feel so disappointed when his hand leaves mine. The world suddenly feels a bit colder as he walks away with his warmth. His light.
I can’t wait for school to end.
When the lunch bell rings, I follow my usual routine to meet up with my friends. I see the twins waiting for me outside of the cafeteria, but I don’t see Rynne with them.
“Where’s Rynne?” I ask.
“No hello?” Didi asks. “Just ‘where’s Rynne?’ Now I see who’s most important to you.” She puts her hand up to her forehead.
“No! Didi, I—”
“Just kidding.” She grins.
Connor taps my shoulder. “You always take everything so literally. He’ll probably show up in a few minutes.”
Just then, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I grab it and hastily answer after seeing Rynne’s name.
“Hey,” I say.
“Don’t wait up for me,” he says. “Art teacher needs me to help clean up the classroom. It’s a real mess. I’ll meet you after school. Tell Connor and Didi hi for me, okay?”
“Okay,” I reply quietly. I hope he can’t hear the disappointment in my voice.
Rynne hangs up, but I keep my phone pressed to my ear for a moment longer.
When I finally put my phone back into my pocket, I turn to the Johnson twins and say, “Rynne says hi, and that he can’t eat with us today. He’s helping the art teacher clean up.”
“He’s such a saint,” Connor remarks.
“Let’s eat,” Didi says as she grabs her brother’s arm in one hand and mine in the other.
Once we’re in the lunch line. Didi stares at me.
“What?” I ask when I can’t take it anymore.
“You sounded really disappointed when Rynne said he couldn’t come,” she says. “Are you finally going to tell him?”
“Tell him what?” Connor asks.
“This is girl talk. Turn off your ears.”
“Yeah, right. Because that’s so easy to do, and it’s not like I already know about Tasia’s big crush.” Connor rolls his eyes and starts talking with the guy in front of us.
“I’m going to tell him,” I say quietly as I feel my cheeks flush. “After school.”
Didi beams. “Yes! I’m rooting for you, Tasia. You can do this.”
She hugs me. She squeezes to the point where I can’t breathe or even hug her back. When she lets go, I suck in a breath of air, and she laughs.
“Thanks, Didi,” I tell her.
“For what?”
“For always supporting me. You’re a really good friend. Connor, too.”
“I know,” she replies. “You have to tell me everything.”
I laugh nervously. “You got it.”
I only hope she’s right about Rynne liking me—not that she’s ever been wrong before.
The rest of my classes go by slowly and painfully. I just keep watching the clock, waiting for school to end. I have to go to my part-time job after school today, but I should have plenty of time to meet with Rynne and tell him how I feel.
My science class ends up getting out 15 minutes early, but I head straight for the back-door entrance of the high school anyway. Not many people use this door. It makes it easy to meet up with Rynne after school. I usually only have to wait a few minutes for him. Well, I’ll probably have to wait longer today since I got out early, but at least I’ll have time to prepare.
I’m expecting the back of the school to be empty, but there’s two people close together, far away from the back door and hidden in the school’s shadow. Judging by how close they are to each other, they’re probably in the middle of something… private. I’m about to walk ahead when I recognize something about one of them. I don’t mean to, but I let my gaze linger. It’s Rynne.
I’m about to announce my presence when I see him lean down and kiss the girl with white-blond hair in front of him.
I bolt. I can’t leave soon enough. I don’t know who Rynne just kissed, and I don’t really care. I just want to get into my car. I waited too long to tell him. He’s in love with someone else.
When I get to the parking lot, I find my car as fast as I can. Just as I spot it and start running toward it, I hear a voice from behind me.
“Whoa, Tasia. Where’s the fire?” It’s Wyatt.
It’s taking everything I have to hold back my tears. “I have to go to work,” I say.
Then I keep moving, something I’d never do in my right mind. But I can’t handle being polite right now. I jog straight for my white Toyota Camry and get inside. I wish I didn’t have to go to work today. I can’t afford to cry. I roll down my window to let in the crisp autumn air in an attempt to distract myself from these explosive emotions.
“Please come to the Halloween party!” Wyatt yells at me.
I pinch the area in between my eyes and tell myself to hold it together. I can’t miss work. Not for something like this. I don’t even have the right to cry. I’m acting like I just found my boyfriend cheating on me. That’s what this is like, right? No. Rynne was never my boyfriend. So I don’t have the right to feel like this. I am in control. I am in control. I’m in control…