The competitive orientation of athletics creates a dehumanized, stereotyped way of perceiving the opponent. We "love'* our team and we "hate'* theirs. The game becomes a war in miniature, and our aggression is directed at the hated "thing," the other players or team to be "killed** or "destroyed." The aggressive discharge is split off from any authentic interpersonal experience. The opponent is a symbol, and the aggressive interchange is impersonal. It is very upsetting to everybody when occasionally it does become personal and one person shows his real anger toward another. Then, if a fight or feud breaks out, it is attributed to getting "carried away," and the participants are pun-

DANCES AROUND THE BEAST 133

ished or penalized. In this way the impersonal nature of the "dance" can be maintained.

Audiences to the "sporting dance" in aggression-phobic societies will demand increasing amounts of viciousness and destnictiveness from their athletes. In our society, for example, the conmiercial popularity of baseball is on the wane. The game is considered too slow and too tame. On the other hand, football and hockey, both with greater aggressive potential, are steadily gaining in popularity. The success of boxing matches is measured in terms proportionate to its brutality.

Watching sports events used to be thought of as a healthy, vicarious aggression outlet for the si)ectators. However, the obsession with football and basketball games on television has now made it an alienating influence and a form of indirect aggression by the viewer toward the rest of the family. It is his or her way of isolating themselves. That is, father or other family members stay glued to the television and resent the other family members' demands for attention or involvement

THE ^^IVAR DANCE'''

The '*war dance" shares in common with the "police dance" the dichotomization of aggression in terms of the "good" guys and the "bad" guys. The other side is viewed as an evil force: hostile, vicious, and malevolent. "Our side" is invariably viewed as benevolent, peace-loving, and motivated only by the purest of motives, forced into war by the unreasonableness of the other side.

The '^var dance," as one of the oldest forms of cultural aggression discharge, has traditionally generated many side benefits for aggression-phobic cultures. The rates of crime and suicide usually go down dramatically during war. Sharing a commonly held enemy seems to have the effect of bringing the people of a nation closer together. This is, in fact, one of the ironic and tragic by-products of war. Nations experience a solidarity and mutual warmth during wartime that they cannot seem to duplicate during peacetime. The commonly shared enemy target is the binding influence. War seems to bring nations together in the same way that tragedy can bring an alienated warring family together.

In addition, the "war dance" has other "positive" side

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effects. It creates heroes, stimulates economies, gives meaning to the lives of many who are lost and directionless, and provides educational and financial fringe benefits to its participants. However, as a meaningful design for eventual aggression control ('The war to end all wars!") it is a total failure. Participation in war requires the stereotyping and dehumanization of one's enemy. One has to view the enemy as an object or "nonperson" in order to be able to casually and impersonally Idll him. Each participant, no matter how brutal his participation, rationalizes his participation with proclamations of righteousness. Each side views the other as the instigator and themselves as the wronged party. The "war dance" thrives on impersonality and distortion. As such it is totally outmoded and useless as a method of preserving peace and safety. Rather, it only intensifies the alienation and dehumanization process already existing among people.

THE ^PACIFIST DANCE*'

The "pacifist dance*' is a variation on the "religious dance" with its perception of aggression as the "evil" behavior of "bad" guys who haven't yet learned the beauty and meaning of life and love. The pacifist philosophy is one that says aggression only breeds more aggression and that at some point this destructive chain must be interrupted. Pacifists seek to be the influence to do just this.

The notion that aggression breeds more aggression contains within it the underlying belief that aggression can be eliminated altogether. The authors view this as a romantic fantasy, borne as a psychological defense against the feared and hated aggressive impulses within the pacifists themselves. There is not a shred of evidence in support of the belief that aggression can be totally eliminated. Rather, the task is one of acknowledging openly its reality in all of us, eliminating the taboos against its expression in personal ways, and then training or socializing its expression into constructive channels. The pacifist confuses his own passive defenses against aggression with peacefulness.

There is even evidence that pacifism can be ultimately very destructive in its naivete and unreality. India, long a pacifist nation, has given this philosophy up in the tragic realization of the implications for its future relationships with neighboring countries. In our country the history of

DANCES AROUND THE BEAST 135

the blacks serves as a good lesson in point. The movement toward black liberation gained its greatest momentimi after it abandoned the pacifist philosophies of Martin Luther King.

The "pacifist dance" is also a form of disgused aggression. By its "good" guy orientation it automatically creates its opposite. Those who oppose are "evil," *'warmongers," or "killers." The pacifists' unspoken message is therefore colored by arrogance. Pacifists have seen the light. They have evolved to a higher, more spiritual level of consciousness. They are the truly peace-loving ones. Others are still lost in the dark.

The "pacifist dance" breaks down when conflict and dissension arise within its own ranks. Some pacifists are then viewed by others as not being "pure" enough. Divisions begin to occur and splinter groups develop. The pacifists are at "war" with each other, and this is blamed on the fact that some do not really ^'understand" the "real meaning" and practice of the philosophy or have not sufficiently evolved. No significant change of perception that would allow the pacifist to acknowledge his own aggression takes place. This awareness is rationalized away under the cover of ideological disputes.

THE ^SCIENTIFIC RESEARCB BANCE*^

A more recent approach to the "beast" is the "scientific research dance." In this case the choreographers are the social scientists. Their aim is to learn how to contain the "beast" by accumulating information about it, studying and analyzing it.

A recent issue of a prominent journal of research in the social sciences illustrates some of the limitations to this "dance." The issue was dedicated to an exploration of "prosocial" or so-called "helpful" forms of social behavior such as altruism, sympathy, and charity. The stated reason for this was that too much time had already been spent investigating the negative or antisocial aggressive behaviors. This approach reinforces the perception of two kinds of behavior, the altruistic and the aggressive.

Some social scientists have suggested that aggression might be controlled by the conditioning of verbal behavior. The underlying theory here is that by eliminating the vocabulary of violence and hostility, somehow the emotions

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accompanying them can also be eliminated. The "scientific research dance" is couched in sophisticated academic parlance but the approach to aggression remains largely traditional.

DANCING WITH THE BEAST

The "dances around the beast" all have one large element in common. Aggression is viewed as a destructive energy that must be channeled into impersonal ritualistic structures so that people will avoid destroying each other. The "dances" may have been functional at one time. However, they no longer seem to be serving the function of harnessing, containing, or rendering harmless the aggressive "beast." A new way of dealing with aggression is needed, and we propose it to be direct engagement, or "dancing with the beast"

The ingredient for this encounter would first involve recognition of the "beast" in each person. This would lead to a lifting of the taboo against all nonviolent forms of its expression and the use of constructive rituals and techniques to express them with. Destructive elements would be separated out from its constructive elements and the vital, growth-nurturing energies of aggression would be utilized.

CHAPTER 10

hike Sex: Suppressed^ Repressed^ and Tabooed

The repressive attitudes toward sex that prevailed in the Victorian era have remarkable parallels to our attitudes toward the expression of various forms of aggression today.

1. Then, sex was considered dirty, bad, and even dangerous, except under clearly defined, socially approved conditions.

Now, aggression is considered dirty, bad, and dangerous, except imder clearly defined, socially approved conditions.

2. Then, free and casual sexual activity was considered improper. A dichotomy existed, for example, between "good" girls and "bad" girls. "Good" girls did not lose their virginity until they married. Only "bad" girls had premarital affairs, or indulged in sexual activity purely for pleasure's sake. Men sought to marry the "good" girls and took advantage of the "bad" girls.

Similarly, "good" boys did not masturbate or even act in sexually aggressive ways. Those who did were considered to be behaving like "animals."

Now, "good" people in general do not fight, lose their tempers, or get into arguments. Nor do they say impolite or **unkind" things that might make others uncomfortable or hurt their feelings. Above all, they avoid conflict and open displays of aggressiveness, and they are welcomed into "nice" homes. Only "bad" people lose their tempers readily, give vent casually to angry feelings, or tell people off.

3. Then, sexuality was the cause of agonizing conflicts. Women agonized, "Should I or shouldn't I? If I do, hell think I'm a tramp. If I don't, he might lose interest." Men struggled with issues such as, "Will she think I'm too forward and get insulted if I try to kiss her on the first date?"

138 THE NOT SO "NICE" SOCIETY

or "I want tx) masturbate, but I know it's a wrong thing to do.'*

Now, the expression of aggressive feelings is a source of agonizing conflicts. The following are some typical examples: "Can I tell my employer that I resent the demands he's putting on me? If I do, I might alienate him and get fired. If I don't, I'll hate him and my job and he'll continue to take advantage of me." "I'm bored with their company and I want to leave, but if I tell them I might hurt their feelings. If I don't tell them I'll be climbing the walls soon." "If I teU her *No' the next time she asks me to do her a favor, she'U get angry. If I say 'Yes,' I'll hate myself for allowing myself to be used."

4. Then, many sexual feelings and experiences were a source of embarrassment and were kept secret. For example: "Don't tell anybody that we're having sex." "I hope he doesn't find out that I'm frigid." "I can't let anybody know that I have homosexual fantasies."

Now, aggressive experiences and feelings are a source of embarrassment and are kept secret. For example: "Don't tell him I said I was annoyed with the way he's handling things." "I don't want anyone to know I lost my temper over that." "Don't let them know we've been fighting (arguing) ."

5. Then, men and women were seen as having opposing sexual needs. Men were considered to have strong sexual drives. Women were considered to have Uttle or no sex drive and were also assumed to find sex a distasteful and painful business.

Now, only men are considered to have strong aggressive drives. Aggressive women are considered to be behaving in a masculine way. It is generally assumed that women find aggressive behavior distasteful and frightening. Women who do assert themselves, such as the contemporary career woman, tend to be viewed and treated more as men than as women.

6. Then, open and direct expression of one's sexual feelings toward another was a source of discomfort and anxiety and was therefore usually kept to oneself. Individuals felt guilty for harboring "lustful" feelings and feared rejection for expressing them.

Now, open and direct expression of angry feelings toward another is a source of anxiety and embarrassment and is therefore kept to oneself. People feel guilty for harboring

hateful, jealous, or resentful feelings, and fear rejection for expressing them openly.

7. Then, sexual feelings that came out impulsively under the influence of alcohol or in any other way as a result of getting "carried away*' with the moment, produced feelings of guilt and shame afterward.

Now, aggressive feelings expressed impulsively, such as the losing of one's temper or making a spontaneously angry or unflattering comment, produce feelings of gmlt and shame afterward. ("I made a fool of myself," or "I really lost my cool.")

8. Then, for men unself-conscious sexual abandonment and acting out of one's sexual fantasies were reserved largely for experiences with prostitutes, casual affairs, or involvement with "promiscuous" women but rarely with one's spouse. Men didn't want to "use" or "abuse" their wives in this way, and wives didn't want their husbands to think that they were anything but "ladies."

Now, aggressive abandonment and the total acting out of aggressive feelings are reserved for anonymous, impersonal targets such as "enemies" or hated strangers or groups but are seldom displayed toward intimates. The reasoning is, "I care about you, so why should I fight with you?"

9. Then, when people did not hide their bodies or were being openly erotic, people averted their eyes and out of embarrassment avoided watching or looking at them directly.

Now, when two individuals argue, fight, or have angry outbursts, people become embarrassed and avoid looking at them directly.

10. Then, sexuality was the source of widespread ignorance, distortions, and mythology. Some of these myths were: "Masturbation can make you go crazy." **Women don't have strong sexual needs." "Excessive sexual activity will drain your energies."

Now, aggression is a source of widespread ignorance, distortions, and mythology. "Anger is destructive." "Quiet, gentle people are harmless people." "Conflicts between people can be permanently resolved if we would only learn to communicate." "Good babies cry less."

11. Then, the repression of sexual feelings was the major cause of many psychosomatic symptoms, such as

14« THE NOT SO "NICE" SOCIETY

backaches, headaches, cramps, and various other symptoms.

Now, the repression of aggressive feeling is one of the causes of many psychosomatic illnesses such as hypertension, arthritic conditions, asthma, and skin eruptions.

12. Then, a major cause of many emotional symptoms and mental disorders was the inhibition and repression of sexual feelings. Symptoms such as anxiety, guilt, depression, and hysterical symptoms were interpreted by psychoanalysts to be the result of repressed sexuality. Extreme repression of sexuality was said to produce severe emotional disorders.

Now, a major cause of many emotional symptoms and mental disorders is the inhibition, suppression, and repression of aggressive feelings such as anger, rage, and various forms of self-assertion. Symptoms such as anxiety, guilt, depression, etc., may be interpreted as expressions of repressed aggression. Extreme repression of aggression can produce very profound emotional disorders.

Analogies of sexual repression to the repression of aggressive feelings may appear to be inappropriate. Society looks on aggressive expression as fearful, while sexual expression is viewed as pleasurable, necessary, and vital.

In time, however, we believe that aggressive processes will also be recognized for their pleasurable, necessary, and vital aspects, and the present repression of that experience will seem as outmoded and destructive as the repressions that once enveloped the experience of sexuality.

CHAPTER 11

The Psychological Hazards of Mistnanaged Aggression

Inhibited aggression, as a major source of emotional symptoms, is to today's society what inhibited or repressed sexuality was as a creator of emotional problems during Freud's era. In the time of Sigmund Freud psychoanalysts were first beginning to discover the enormous part that repressed sexuality played in the development of emotional symptoms. Freud personally developed his theory after working with numerous patients in whom this had created hysterical symptoms, such as paralysis, loss of sensory acuity, and other physical problems. These symptoms existed with no apparent physiological basis for them.

It was discovered that many of these hysterical symptoms were an imconscious protection against the expression of some taboo sexual desire such as masturbation, incestuous feelings, promiscuity, exhibitionism, or voyeurism, or simply engaging in premarital or extramarital sex. One patient's "paralyzed arm," for example, was interpreted as his unconscious self-protection against acting out an impulse to masturbate, while another patient's "blindness'* was viewed as a protection against acting out voyeuristic impulses. In the more severe forms of mental disorders that Freud worked with, such as paranoia, he found repressed homosexual wishes to be one of the critical imder-lying causative elements. Freud discovered and formulated his controversial Oedipal complex by studying the case of a small boy's phobic reaction to a horse, a reaction that had no actual basis in reaUty in the child's experience with horses, and found that this reaction was a displaced fear connected with his repressed incestuous wishes. In general, Freud's analytical emphasis, as is now widely known, was on the enormous impact of sexual repression

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on the invividual's personality development and the development of many kinds of emotional symptoms.

Since Freud's time, sexual liberation has imprinted itself quite heavily on the cultural consciousness. The old my-tiiologies regarding sex are rapidly being destroyed by sex researchers and enlightened sex educators. A dramatic example of this cultural change of consciousness was the widespread popularity of the best-selling book The Sensuous Woman. In it, tihe author reconmiends masturbation for women to help them reach their sexual potential and to facilitate their day-to-day sexual intimacies.^ As recently as twenty to thirty years ago one of the prevailing fears about masturbation was that its frequent indulgence was a factor in making people go crazy. We've clearly taken some giant steps forward in liberating our sexual consciousness from these destructive and harmful distortions. Today premarital and extramarital sex, abortions, masturbation, public nudity, and pornography have all be-come an integral and, to a great extent, accepted part of our cultural consciousness. Consequently, the role of repressed sexuality as a core cause of emotional symptoms has also been diminished greatly.

However, mental iUness and widespread emotional problems are still very much with us, though their kinds and causes have been changing. Instead of hysterical symptoms being among the most prevalent, depression, anxiety reactions, and an inability to express feelings have taken its place. All of these emotional problems, we believe, contain large components of repressed aggression. Research studies in many of today's psychiatric and psychological journals have increasingly brought this to light. In fact, many of the innovations in the psychotherapy process today involve ways of facilitating anger and rage release. This goes along with the increasing awareness that these repressed feelings play a major role in the etiology of many damaging emotional symptoms.

DEPRESSMON

The relationship of mismanaged aggression to the eventual development of a deep depression, for example, can be seen in the not atypical interaction between Carl and Ruth, a couple in their early fifties. Throughout their relationship, Carl had felt enormous resentment toward

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARDS 143

Ruth while at the same time being very dependent on her. He also felt very much controlled and restricted by her and would quietly seethe with frustration and unexpressed rage. For example, when he would mention that he wanted to spend an evening alone with his friend Jack, just talking and having a few drinks, she would become extremely upset. She would scream and threaten imtil finally he would give in and cancel the date.

At other times, when he was walking along the street with Ruth, he might notice an attractive woman and would momentarily look at her. His wife would see him do this and would immediately accuse him of acting "like an animal'* and of ignoring her. Evenings he would often sit bored watching telelvision, too afraid to assert himself to do some of the things he really wanted to do, such as go out to play poker with friends or go to a basketball or hockey game. When Ruth would goad him for watching television and call him a "lump" for not having more active hobbies, he would get so angry inside at the "either way I lose" position he felt himself to be in, he would secretly wish her dead.

Very suddenly Ruth, who was an apparently vigorous woman, became seriously ill with brain cancer. She was operated on but the surgeon was imable to remove the whole tumor. She subsequently received a series of cobalt treatments and then she became increasingly weak, frightened, and disoriented. Eight months after the operation she died.

Carl went into a deep depression. He kept saying he wished that he would have died instead. He would speak in barely audible tones and would call Ruth his "angel wife," while he reminisced about how loving and caring she had been. According to him, he had been a bastard who was only interested in his own needs and pleasures. Sometimes he would even blame himself for the fact that she had become ill. "I gave her so little to live for while she gave me everything. I drained the life from her," he would say.

Gone were the feelings of resentment, rage, and anger he had felt over being controlled and stifled by his wife while she was alive. In fact, he couldn't even really remember any of the many things she used to say or do that he resented her for so much. Those few he could remember,

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he would now blame on himself. All he could remember now was her "sweetness" and "kindness."

Months went by, and Carl's depression did not let up. He- became increasingly immobile. Outside of going to work, which he barely managed to do, he would mainly just sit around staring into space and making self-accusing remarks. Finally, in desperation he was taken to a psychiatrist by his sister, recommended to them by the family doctor. Upon the psychiatrist's advice, Carl was given a series of twelve electroshock therapy treatments to pull him out of his depression.

When Ruth died, Carl was overcome with guilt regarding all of his aggressive feelings in relation to her. In some magical way he felt that his angry feelings, his resentment, his attempts and desires to assert himself independently and his occasional interest in other women had helped to kill her. He forgot totally the many irritating things she used to say and do.

In our aggression-phobic society it has been traditionally considered to be "wrong" to harbor angry, resentful feelings or independently assertive ones in the marital relationship, but even worse to experience these feelings after a person dies and to acknowledge relief, pleasure, or satisfaction over the death. They would be considered "horrible" and "hostile" if spoken aloud. No wonder so many people go into painful depressions after a death or divorce. They are in part suffocating on their own repressed anger and feelings of guilt!

Carl's reaction, though extreme in many ways, was not atypical of that in others. Depression in both its milder and more severe forms is a rampant phenomenon in our society and is intimately tied in with guilt and the repression of resentment, anger, and rage. People collude with each other to cover up these feelings. For example, friends of Carl never mentioned the incessant complaining and fighting they had seen over the years, Ruth's need to control him, her bitchiness, and the humiliating hassles In which she used to engage him in, in front of friends. Rather, they would try to be "helpful" to Carl by trying to persuade him that he had not been a bastard but had been a loving, sweet husband. They would, however, never challenge his assertion that Ruth had been a perfect woman, his "angel." That would have been considered extremely poor taste. Therefore, there was no way Carl

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARDS 145

could release all of the repressed aggression. He was left to wallow in his depression by well-intentioned friends who didn't want to upset him. Their kindly suggestions for Carl were that he take weekend trips, drink some wine or liquor, or eat the food they brought him and he would then feel better.

ANGER HEI^S

It is both interesting and revealing that our cultural definition of "helping" someone only involves being supportive, kindly, gentle, and positive. Individuals are not socially conditioned to see anything constructive or helpful in engaging someone in an aggressive interaction by confronting them, getting angry at them, or facilitating the release of their angry feelings by letting them get angry in return.

Paradoxically, the one thing that might really have helped Carl and saved him from having to undergo the electroshock therapy would have been to help him re-experience, express, and accept the frightening but very human feehngs of rage he had felt toward Ruth while she was still aUve. In terms of what psychotherapists today know about depression, Carl was suffocating on these feelings, feelings that he had too much guilt to accept and express and that were now being turned against himself in the form of self-hate and self-accusations. In his eyes, all the troubles of the marriage he now saw as having been his fault. He was the bastard, and he was the guilty one. While surrounded by "supportive," "loviag" friends, Carl was sinking deeper and deeper into himself until there was the real danger of suicide, and so he was given electroshock therapy. Clearly, for Carl, love was not enough.

Typically, as psychotherapists working with depressed individuals, one of the first questions that needs to be asked is, "Who is the depressed person angry at and feeling too guilty about to acknowledge or express it?" In the instances of particularly extreme depressions bordering on suicidal impulses, the important question to be asked by the psychotherapist is, "Who does this person want to kill?" (though the actual impulse is usually out of conscious awareness) or "Who does this person hope to punish by hurting himself?" That is, it is known that profound depressions often cover intense repressed rage and hate.

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The writers* work as psychotherapists in cases of depression and bereavement, in particular with widows and widowers, focuses initially on the release of angry feelings. Throughout the mourning rituals of Western culture there is no opportunity to release normal anger against the dead partner. Yet there are many valid reasons for feeling this anger. There is the acute anger for having been left or abandoned by the dead person. There is acute resentment over the fact that it is now too late to work out the conflicts that should have been worked out earlier and too late to have the discussions that should have been had. The depression after death, therefore, is often highly interwoven with rage.

Our program of therapeutic work with these widows and widowers includes first the making of a "museum list" in which they are asked to write ia detail all of the things their dead partner had said or done to hurt them or that made them feel resentful at the time, but that they had never been willing or able to confront the partner with. After that, they are asked to confront a surrogate (substitute person) with that list iu a full raging voice. In some instances we ask them to pumimel a cloth dummy instead with fists, kicks, or a bataca bat while screanung out their feelings of rage at the dead person. From the intensity of the rage that emerges and the feelings of relief and lifting of depression that result afterward, we see the dramatic interrelationship between depression and the repressed anger over '*unfinished business" with the dead person.

RELEASING SELF-HATE

The mild depressions or "blues" that afilict so many in our culture we feel relate intimately to the chronic backing up of aggressive feelings against oneself. For people who are chronically prone to these kinds of feelings we recommend a "self-hate, self-forgiveness" exercise to be done every eveniug before going to bed. The person is asked to remember all of the things he or she did or didn't do during the day and for which he or she feels angry at himself or herself. After this, the person is asked to scold himself verbally and physically with a mild slap and insults such as "You idiot!" "You stupid fool!" "You goddamn insensitive, self-destructive creep!" This barrage should be continued

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARDS 147

until the individual feels satiated and begins to feel "This is silly! I'm not that bad!" or "Okay, I've punished myself enough." This then is to be followed with expressions of self-forgiveness, such as stroking one's face and saying in effect, "You're human and you have a right to act in human ways!"

It is characteristic of the socialization process, particularly among the middle class, to punish aggressive expression in children. The child is admonished, "Don't raise your voice to your elders," "Don't talk back," and "Children should be seen and not heard." At times these admonitions become particulariy extreme in their inhibiting and emotionally destructive quality. "If you talk back to your mother like that she'll get sick and it will be your fault," "If you talk to your grandmother freshly, she'll go away forever," "If you don't stop fighting with your sister we will give you away," or "We will c^ the police and have them take you away." At almost every stage in the socialization process aggressive expression is inhibited by threatened punishment, or the instilling of feelings of guilt and shame. When this kind of feedback is particulariy repressive and guilt-inducing, it lays the foundation for intense emotional problems.

It is safe to say that people with emotional problems of all kinds and severities share in conmion the inability to manage and express aggressive feelings because they were punished and made to feel guilty about them when they originally experienced and expressed them. Consequently, many individuals, disturbed and normal as well, are not even able to recognize the presence of these feelings within themselves, for they have learned to associate these feelings with one or more of the following disastrous consequences:

1. Abandonment. As a child, the expression of various forms of aggressiveness were met with the threat that the parent would leave or the child would be left behind or given away. "If you raise your voice like that to Mommy again, she wDl go away and never come back" or "We wiU give you away to another home and never come to get you."

2. Excessive punishment. In these instances aggressive expression is met with the threat of extreme punishment, such as beatings or deprivation. "Talk back again like that and I'll beat the hell out of you" or "If you contradict your

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mother again you won*t be allowed to go out after school for a month" are variations on the ^eme of what the child is told.

3. Doom. Doom-oriented threats create links in the child's mind between aggressive behavior and horrible consequences to the person they're directed to. These links, of course, are exaggerated and out of proportion. Examples are "If you yell at your mother she'll get very sick and it will be your faultl" or "Do you want Grandpa to get a heart attack because you always have to give him an argument?"

4. Destruction. Related to the doom-oriented threats, these threats suggest that the child's aggressive behavior will have severe destructive effects interpersonally. For example: "Because you don't listen. Mommy and Daddy fight all the time. One day we will get divorced because of you" or "If you aren't nice to Grandmother you will hurt her feelings so much she will never come back again 1"

5. Death. Threats of dying are made by the more disturbed and destructive of aggression-forbidding parents. "Stop your nagging and freshness or mother will kill herself' or "Someday when Mommy and Daddy are dead you'll be sorry that you talked like that.'*

The authors' own clinical experiences coincide with the observation of other psychologists and psychiatrists who have documented how parents of emotionally disturbed children typically have placed these children in impossible crazymaking binds in regard to the children's aggressive feelings. On the one hand, the parents provoke anger and resentment in the children through insults, blocking the child's attempts at growth, and by meting out excessive punishments. Then they threaten to punish the child for the child's expressions of anger in return. They leave the child no safe or direct outlet for normal feelings. For the sake of his emotional survival, the child finally withdraws and often loses touch with these feelings completely. He has been taught to see these aggressive feelings as being dangerous. To protect himself against them the child learns to block them out totally and deny their existence within himself. Once they are repressed in this way the child, when he becomes an adult, must increasingly isolate himself from intimate human contact to avoid interactions that might precipitate or threaten to force the expression of these

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARDS 149

feelings that in the individual's mind have developed fearsome proportions and will result in horrible consequences.

CATATONIC SCHIZOPHRENIA

Translated into adult symptoms of emotional disorders, the repressed aggression can produce anything from migraine headaches to depression or, in extreme cases, the form of psychosis called catatonic schizophrenia. One of its victims was Leonard M., who was an aerospace engineer for one of California's leading aircraft companies. He was known among his coworkers as being highly creative and reliable. Though normally very quiet and soft-spoken, he began to become progressively more withdrawn and reticent. This was in March 1972. On April 12 his wife called the company to report that Leonard was very iU and needed an "operation."

The truth was that Leonard suddenly refused to move altogether. He simply sat, stifif as a statue, and was staring off into space with his eyes half-closed. He wouldn't feed himself nor allow himself to be fed by others. He had to be taken to a psychiatric hospital where he was diagnosed as "schizophrenic-reaction, catatonic type" upon admission. Leonard continued to sit rigid and unresponsive for several days. When a doctor or nurse moved his hand he would simply leave it in the new position. When they tried to open his mouth to feed him he clenched his jaws tightly together.

After several days of this he suddenly went into a violent, explosive rage and attempted to assault a nearby nurse's aide who was attending to him. Leonard was restrained by three people, and from that day on he began to improve, moving around and taking care of his own needs.

Within several weeks' time, with the help of intensive psychotherapy, he recovered and was able to talk about his illness. He revealed that he had become increasingly withdrawn and immobile because he was feeling very destructive and very guilty about his work, which was connected with defense. The fantasies and self-accusations that he kept to himself intensified until the day when he stopped moving altogether. At that point he believed that one movement of even a finger could trigger an explosion that would destroy the world.

These "world destruction" fantasies are commonly seen

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in this form of schizophrenia. They represent an extreme example of the distorted sense of one's aggressive power that many people have. Leonard M. had been brought up in a highly intellectualized family atmosphere. His father was a theology professor and his mother a geometry teacher in high schooL Each attempt at assertive or aggressive self-expressions on his part was met with extremely harsh, punitive responses and dire warnings. Eventually, Leonard began to spend almost aU of his time locked in his room, reading scientific books and working on mathematics problems. He never showed any strong emotions, positive or negative, imtil his breakdown. His wife later commented that ironically she was glad that the illness happened because Leonard's withdrawn personality was driving her crazy and she was seriously thinking of leaving him because of it.

TRE PREVALENT PSYCROLOGICAL PRORLEMS

In the process of blocking out the awareness of and denying the existence and expression of aggressive feelings, individuals give up a large proportion of their emotional reality and the reality within their relationships. Many of the most prevalent emotional symptoms in contemporary society are, as already mentioned, the result of this inhibition. The following chart outlines some partial and possible relationships between inhibited aggression and the development of major psychological problems.

Psychological Problems Possible Relationship to

Repressed Aggression

1. Depression 1. Aggression directed.

against the self rather than toward its real, external target or targets in the outside world. Depressed people are in part angry people who are unable to express these feelings.

2. Compulsions {some) 2. Ritualistic, repetitive

patterns of behavior that may serve to keep an aggressive

3. Obsessions (some)

4. Anxiety {some forms)

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARDS 151

feeling encapsulated and under control. For example, the compulsion to check the stove a half dozen times before leaving the house to insure that the gas is off may control an underlying destructive impulse or wish toward one's home and family. The compulsion to keep everything in order, neat and clean, may control the underlying impulse to say, "To hell with it all! I hate doing this!"

3. The intellectualization of an aggressive impulse, which severs it from the feeling and protects the person from acting it out. For example, a mother obsessively repeats to herself, "I musn't drop my baby,** which she fears she will do as she is holding it. The obsession contains and controls the underlying wish to do just that. Another example involves the person who at a party or formal gathering obsessively worries that he will suddenly scream out insulting curse words to the other guests. The obsession controls the underlying impulse to do so.

4. The anxiety arises as the result of an unconscious fear that a frightening aggressive feeling will break through to consciousness and open expression. For example, a bridegroom's extreme anxiety before the wedding may represent a fear

152 THE NOT SO **N1CE" SOCIETY

5. Neurasthenia (chronic fatigue)

6. Paranoid suspiciousness

7.

Paranoid grandiosity ('7 am Jesus Christ. I will save the world.")

8.

Sexual infpotence and frigidity

of losing control over an underlying desire to walk away from it all. Chronic anxiety can act as an indication of and control over rage against somebody or some situation: a feeling that is, however, too frightening and, therefore, not consciously experienced.

5. Energy drained off as a result of repressed aggression (resentment, rage) over one's role. It may be a form of passive aggression, for example in the case of the housewife who is totally out of energy two hours after getting up in the morning. The chronic fatigue disguises her underlying resentment toward her role. The energy returns as soon as she is engaged in doing something she enjoys.

6. A reversal of aggressive impulses. The underlying desire to hurt others is transformed through the psychological defense of projection into the suspicion that "others want to hurt me."

7. A defensive, unconscious transformation of an aggressive impulse into its benign opposite. Thus, the underlying feeling of "I hate everybody" is transformed through a defensive process called reaction formation into the opposite feeling of "I want to save everybody."

8. Aggression toward an intimate expressed passively

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARDS 153

through sexual nonresponsiveness. It may represent an unconscious desire to punish, humiliate, or withhold satisfaction from one's partner.

9. The fear of 9. In terms of repressed "going crazy" aggression, this symptom may

really be a fear that one wUl lose control and that hidden, terrifying, underlying rage and resentment wiU burst forward openly.

10. Suicide 10. Suicide is the ultimate

form of repressed aggression, redirected from its real target toward oneself instead. The suicidal is a raging, aggressive person unable because of guilt to release these feelings outwardly against their real target. Suicidals frequently have the fantasy that their act will punish a certain person or persons in the environment. "They'll be sorry for the way they treated me when they find out I'm dead" is the unspoken message. The suicidal is locked in by guilt from expressing the rage against his situation or a specific person.

In an aggression-phobic society we are all vulnerable to emotional symptoms resulting from repressed and suppressed aggressive impulses and feelings. Acting them out is, of course, frequently not possible or socially tolerable. However, allowing these feelings into conscious awareness, accepting their reality, learning to control them, and finding suitable outlets for their constructive expression are essential for the development and maintenance of mental health. In the process of blocking out the awareness of these feelings we give up a significant hold on our emo-

154 THE NOT SO "NICE" SOCIETY

tional reality. The extent of this blocking is a factor in de-tennining the potential for this kind and intensity of emotional symptoms.

The concept of "normal" in an aggression-phobic environment becomes a meaningless term. It may be normal to be constantly "nice" in our society because this is considered acceptable, even desirable behavior. This behavior win, however, prove to be interpersonally destructive. Feelings of alienation, depression, chronic anxiety, moodiness, uncontrolled outbursts of anger, and interpersonal manipulation may already be or will soon become statistically normal behavior by the simple fact that much of the population experiences them. However, they may be far removed from our constructive or healthy potential of human interaction.

It has become fashionable in recent years to romanticize madness and interpret it as a higher level of consciousness or a deeper level of reality. While we share the perceptions of psychological theorists such as Ronald Laing and Alan Watts that there are some important reaUties in insanity and that our society engages in many self-destructive, consciousness-destroying games, we feel that psychotic behavior is in part just another extreme form of repressed aggression. Despite the artfulness and exquisite sensitivities involved in many schizophrenic states, we feel it is misleading and destructive to conceptualize this form of emotional terror as a higher level path to sanity and truth. We believe, instead, that the psychotic is frightened of his strength, his rage, his need to assert and to dominate, and so resorts to comphcated, fantasy-oriented devices to control and repress these feelings and impulses. The psychotic, in our framework, is only an extreme victim of the aggression-repressive society.

Achieving this emotional health potential will require the destruction of some deeply rooted myths, preconceptions, and response tendencies that are deeply embedded during the course of the socialization process.

SIX EMOTMONALLY DESTRUCTIVE ATTITUDES

The following are some typical attitudes toward aggression that we feel have particuarly destructive effects on people.

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARDS 155

1. "Getting angry is destructive and wasteful."

This attitude is the bedrock of aggression phobia. To get angry at somebody is said to be destructive to him and to the relationship. TTie longer and more intensely angry feelings are inhibited, however, the more extreme will be the fantasies regarding their destructiveness. The give-and-take of aggressive interaction must be practiced so that it won't feel overwhelming or be so laden with explosive potential when it is expressed—simply because it has been held in for so long and bursts forth destructively.

Anger, directly and constructively expressed in a spirit of good will, energizes its communicator and grabs the ear and involvement of the person it is directed against. WhUe it may be threatening to the other person, if it is motivated by a desire to communicate a genuine feeling and not to overwhelm, it creates a conrniunication reality. To suppress these feelings is to perpetuate an emotional and potentially explosive unreality. When the dam finally bursts, its power and energy may prove to be unmanageable, and one's worst fears about aggression will be confirmed.

2. "If I tell him (her) how I really feel, he (she) won't be able to take it. He'll (she'll) fall apart! 1"

Many of the fears of openly angry, assertive communications are based on a fantasy regarding the fragility of others. He or she wiU be extremely hurt, wiped out, or damaged by it.

The fantasy of fragility is usually in the mind of the angry person and does not coincide with the reality of the other person. The fantasy comes because of the underlying awareness of the intensity of one's feelings and the fear of the intensity of their power. The person who communicates helplessness and fragility when anger is directed toward him or her often does so manipulatively and as a controlling device.

To relate to others as if they were fragile and about to fall apart is in the long run to weaken them and to destroy the opportunity for spontaneous, real interaction. In the name of protecting the other you infantilize him or her (prevent him or her from growing up). An honest, clearly expressed aggressive message may be uncomfortable, but will also bring the other person closer to the reality of the relationship and help him or her learn to cope with anger and confrontation and thereby become strengthened in the process.

156 THE NOT SO "NICE" SOCIETY

3. "If I let go of my aggressive feelings, I might lose control over myself."

Many who hold back aggressive feelings do so because they fear that they wUl go haywire if they let themselves go. "I might b«x)me violent and even kill somebody" is a frequent and typical fantasy.

In general, violence ensues only as a result of long-suppressed hostilities. Those who consciously and obsessively fear they will lose control, rarely if ever do. The fear alone usually demonstrates the presence of such inhibitory controls. Allowing aggressive feelings to emerge regularly allows for the development of a familiarity with them and is perhaps the best preventative against violence.

4. "Ifs 'inappropriate' behavior!"

Role inhibitions usually begin with words such as "I shouldn't," "I'm not supposed to," or "It's not right." For example, "Newlyweds shouldn't fight," "Doctors shouldn't lose their tempers," "Children shouldn't be allowed to talk back."

These inhibitions often wind up being the self-destructive price paid for trying to live up to an image that is alien to one's true feelings and real self. Ideally, roles function as facilitators of human interactions, not destroyers of them. When role inhibitions become self-defeating they are best abandoned. For example, for years now schoolteachers have been taught to mask their aggressive feelings and maintain a controlled, even-tempered presence through thick and thin. It is very possible that this unreal way of being is an important factor in the tremendous loss of control, sense of strain, and unhappiness teachers are experiencing in their role today. That is, they are being harmed by unreal role expectations, which are alien to their real feelings.

5. "If Fm open about these feelings they'll reject me.'*

It is true that in impersonal relationships and in some settings, such as at work or in transient acquaintanceships, these feelings have to be kept more carefully guarded. With others who are not interested in relating but only in getting a job done or fulfilling a task, one might indeed jeopardize one's position, frighten oflf a casual acquaintance, or be subject to an unexpectedly powerful counter-response.

However, close and emotionally involving relationships that require such great amounts of control and guarding

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL HAZARDS 157

may be more destructive to maintain than to abandon. By exposing one's aggressive feelings some people will indeed be driven away, but others will remain. The relationships with the latter will prove to be more satisfying and real, for indeed, to have to feel cautious and prohibited from expressing aggressive feelings within a relationship is already a form of being rejected. The other person is saying, in effect, "I want you as I need you to be, not as you are.'* 6. "I'm afraid of what they'll do in return." Because of extremely punitive experiences in childhood, some people have learned to anticipate that any aggressive expression wUl produce horrendous retaliation, such as a physical attack. The original fears stemming from parental threats or responses of hitting or extreme punishment linger and are transferred to present interactions.

Undoubtedly, the openly aggressive person in an aggression-repressive environment assumes some risks for being aggressively real. However, often those risks, when finally taken, turn out to produce breakthroughs that totally restructure a relationship in more constructive ways. The maintenance of one's own mental and emotional health requires and cannot exist without an ever-present awareness, acceptance of, and, if appropriate, expression of aggressive feelings as they appear.

PART THREE

Bow to Live Constructively with Aggression

CHAPTER 12

Aggression Rituats

",,, it is ohty when intense aggressiveness exists between two individuals that love can arise," ANTHONY STORR*

The spontaneity tliat seems to come so naturally to children who can play with each other, then fight and insult each other only to make up and be best friends again, all within a short time span, seems to be lost to adults. Focus for a moment on the details of a recent social event, the celebration, party, or gathering for a happy occasion that you attended. If it took place at someone else's home and proceeded in relatively typical fashion, you, as well as all other guests, were greeted at the door with a big smile, a *'HelIoI" and "How are you?" You probably returned this with a similariy "jovial" greeting. Before you even had time to remove your coat and find a spot in which to get

160 HOW TO LIVE CONSTRUCTIVELY

comfortable, you were asked that famous question, **WhatTl you have to drink?" Then for the next few hours it was probably an endless roimd of boozing, interspersed with food and cigarettes and accompanied by some polite, •*friendly,'* but dull and superficial chatter until everyone was quite stuporous and generally "out of it" At about that time people began to go groggy to their cars and then home. One person recently termed such affairs **dip dances." The people in the room wander from one party dip to another, commenting on its flavor and then going on to the next dip.

While attending one of these social gatherings, if you were responsive to your emotional experiences and feelings you would have probably begun to experience discomfort and irritation and might have said to yourself, "This is boring, what am I doing here?** or **This feels phony and I'm wasting my time." If you tended to mistrust your feelings you might have thought instead, "Is there something wrong with me that I'm not enjoying this as I should be? The other people seem to be enjoying themselves more than I am."

The following day, those people who were so "friendly" and polite and with whom you might have even exchanged phone numbers and made tentative plans to get together with became dim memories, names and faces barely remembered. Why? What was missing? How come these people gathering to have fun didn't?

One major factor that we suggest may be blocking the flow of genuine pleasure and social fun is that the personal and social rituals people presently engage in **for fun" are typically and almost exclusively designed for aggression avoidance and aggression control. The firm handshake, the pat on the back, the big "friendly** smile, and all of the other initial greetings are mechanical behaviors, rituals of reassurance and symbols of "friendliness.** In fact, the person who does not willingly or automatically participate in them is looked upon with suspicion and even disdain as being a wet blanket, a party spoiler, or an ill-mannered oddbaU.

Indeed, where does it go from there for these polite game players? What happens after the initial rituals of friendliness have been engaged in? All too often it goes nowhere. The social interaction that began on this unreal tone also seems to freeze there. Food and drink are then

AGGRESSION RITUALS 161

used to fill up the remaining time. Imagine for a moment a party or social gathering in which no food or drink was served. Who would dare to risk it or face the tension and resentful feelings that would quickly build up?

The buildup of closeness, intimacy, or any interpersonal reality demands the sharing of other than *'friendly" feelings. The "friendly" feelings are traditionally only ritualistic and impersonal ones. The reality of getting close to someone else means that there will also be an inevitable buildup of personal reservations, doubts, anxieties, and negative value judgments about people we first meet. However, with no socially acceptable ways of communicating these feelings, maintaining polite distance until it is time to go home becomes safer and simpler than taking the risks involved in sharing these aggressive feelings. Consequently, people go home as strangers, shadows to each other, caught in and repeating the supeiicial "polite" ritu-aUstic social dances. Without anything in their social repertoire to facilitate the sharing of the anxieties, fears, resentments, reservations, and jealousies that occur constantly within initial encounters with others, people are left with the alternative of having to nimib their sensibilities with alcohol, food, cigarettes, or drugs.

There are many facets even to the most joyous of social events that will inevitably stimulate resentments and anger in every feelingful individual The birth of a firstborn baby is a good example. Friends ritualistically give baby showers, and the new father gives out cigars. But where are the rituals that would allow for the expression and release of the inevitable underlying feelings of resentment, frustration, and deprivation that a new baby represents and stimulates? For example, no more long, comfortable nights of sleep, no more undisturbed sex, no more spur-of-the-moment vacations or nights out for dinner and a show, and one more mouth to feed and body to clothe.

When the second- and thirdbom babies come along, the firstborn child is equally expected to be "happy** and is primed for this ahead of time. "Aren*t you happy? You're going to have a baby brother or sisterl" Parents even become upset if the firstborn openly shows resentment when, in fact, there's no reason why the firstborn should be happy at all. After all, he is being dethroned. Yet, instead of providing rituals by which the firstborn can thoroughly and safely express his natural resentment.

162 HOW TO LIVE CONSTRUCTIVELY

parents demand emotional coverup of these feelings and the display of pleasure and love. If these are not forthcoming the child is labeled selfish.

Other such "joyous" experiences also have their share of aspects that are bound to stimulate hostility and other aggressive feelings. The college graduate is "supposed" to feel happy. But in reality, he*s giving up the security of school. He is entering an anxiety-evoking change of state and lifestyle. He is losing a structure where goals were clearly defined and where he had acceptable targets for his aggression, namely teachers, exams, and the establishment.

At weddings the guests drink, dance, make veiled sex j jokes, and collude in creating unreal expectations for the newlj^weds. The wedding couple is informed that they "should" and of course "will be" so happy. The atmosphere demands that the couple keep smiling and act "happy" even though everyone, including them, knows that they are ' entering into a contract that is a mixed blessing at best. In fact, many honeymoons have become emotional catas- j trophes because these phony and cruel expectations and I fantasies are weaved and can't be lived up to. No way is provided to the newlyweds for a sharing of reservations and resentments over the loss of freedom, sexual anxieties, and the conflicts and pressures that will inevitably arise.

A promotion to a higher-level job, obtaining a new job, or being honored upon retirement are all also treated as happy events. For example, the person who has been promoted to a higher-level job would be committing a serious social faux pas if he gloated or patted himself on the back. He must act humble and let others praise him. The resentment of those who were passed up for promotion in favor of him is also not to be openly expressed. Negative aspects of being promoted, such as the greater pressures and stresses, wariness over the jealousies of others, the isolation resulting from the change in relationship with coworkers who may no longer be comfortable lunch or drinking buddies, tihe sheer traiuna of change and the hazards of the "Peter Principle," being promoted from a level of competence to a level of incompetence, are not to be verbalized. These would be considered lack of gratitude or crybaby behavior not befitting a person who has just been put into a position of greater power.

Retirement parties likewise have an emotionally phony

AGGRESSION RITUALS 163

flavor to them. They are very much like funerals at which the dead person is suddenly transmuted into a saint. That is, at funerals all of the negative feelings toward the dead person, the resentments, even the feelings of "In some ways I'm glad he's dead," are considered socially taboo. Similarly, at retirement parties the participants wax glowingly about the fabulous retiree and make unrealistic comments about how happy he should be now that he is free of schedules and responsibilities. In return, the retiree sings the praises of the organization. The resentments he may have over being pushed out of the company, the joy tliat many people may be experiencing now that the old guy is gone and fresh blood can be brought in to replace him must all remain unsaid. No wonder that these events are traditionally so boring to attend. The most important and deeply felt things are considered taboo and never verbalized.

Birthday parties, anniversaries, and Christmas gatherings also all have a large underlay of inherently negative aspects. Statistics show a very high rate of emotional breakdowns, depression, and suicide around Christmastime. These victims of the supposedly happy event may be despairing that they are not feeling happy and jolly as they "should" be and as others "of course" are. They conclude that there's something seriously wrong with them and their lives and therefore, since they're so different and imhappy, what's the sense of going on?

The feeling of "something being wrong** because one doesn't feel what one is "supposed" to feel is probably the most destructive aspect of the absence of rituals that would encourage the expression of aggressive feelings within the context of social experiences. Couples despair because their marriage isn't as happy as other people's supposedly are; parents feel guilty because they're not as happy as they should be over the birth of a child; and so forth. These people then proceed to punish themselves and give themselves messages of self-unworthiness for having feelings that are in reality normal but that people repress or simply hide to perpetuate the myths.

WtiTUAL FOR RELEASE OF AGGRESSION

The authors therefore suggest the following rituals as

164 HOW TO LIVE CONSTRUCTIVELY

starting points for guiding the release of aggression- We feel that these rituals, or individual variations on them, should become integral, everyday parts of social interactions, taking equal place alongside the rituals of friendliness. These aggression rituals are designed to provide a structure for the expression and exchange of aggressive feelings that inevitably accompany and accimiulate within relationships.

The theory of constructive aggression on which ritual expression is based is expressed in the formula:

AG(c)= U.

AG' r-= Constructive aggression I.I. = Informative impact RR = Hurtful hostility

This formula states that constructive aggression increases as hurtful hostility is reduced and informative impact is increased. The rituals described in this chapter, therefore, are devices designed to increase informative impact and facilitate the safe release of irrational, free-floating, intense underlying Miger that creates destructive aggressive interaction.

These rituals are not designed to facilitate specific behavior change^ TTiis is left primarily to the "fair fight for change" structure discussed in another chapter and previously described in the book The Intimate Enemy by Dr. George Bach and Peter Wyden.

Aggression traimng sessioas in which we have trained individuals in the use of rituals are alternately hilarious, serious, chUdlike, frightening, and stimulating. The com-monicatioas are sometimes silly and ludicrous and at other times painfully cruel and distorted- All of them are not only pennitted but encouraged- The so-called disordered, inappropriate, and out-of-line communications are both appropriate and constructive within the context of the aggression rituals.

T>'pically in normal social situations, aggressive interactions are shunned because they seem to have the effect of driving people sqnit. Within the structured context of the aggression ritoals, paradofzically and surprisingly, these aggressive interchanges have the oj^xjsite effect of intensifying intimacy and generating trust between the partici-

AGGRESSION RITUALS 165

pants rather tban producing distance and alienation. This has to be personally experienced or at least observed for one to recognize the speed with which interpersonal cohesion develops in an atmosphere of freely expressed aggression within these structures.

THE ^^ESUVIUS^

The "Vesuvius" is a ritual by which individuals can vent their pent-up frustrations, resentments, hurt, hostilities, and rage in a full-throated, screaming outburst. It is only engaged in by permission of those who are involved with the person, and the ritual can be used either in the home or work setting. By agreement it is strictly a oneway explosion of anger, which is listened to quietly but never responded to by the listeners.

The expression of these kinds of feelings, when randomly engaged in, as is usually the case in most people's lives, is almost always destructive in ejffect. That is, typically when one person explodes in anger he usuaUy does so after using a relatively minor irritation as an excuse for unleashing a torrent of suppressed rage. This invariably precipitates a retaliatory response from the person or persons present. Then a fullscale fight ensues, often with very damaging consequences to the relationship. This ritual acknowledges the inevitability of such feelings in each person and is designed to provide a safe and structured vehicle for its expression.

In the family setting a specific time each day, preferably toward evening, can be set aside for each family member in turn to vent his or her individual buildup of resentment, anger, and frustrations, many of which will have nothing to do with any of the other family members. The listeners provide an attentive, respectful ear but do not respond afterward to any of the feelings expressed. As family members become more comfortable with this technique of allowing each other a few minutes of "rage" time each day, we would encourage them to go more and more out on the limb and express their deepest, most irrational feelings of hostility.

The vocational division of a public social agency in Oregon brings its seven members together in midmoming. Instead of the usual coffee break, each person in turn takes a three-minute turn engaging in a "Vesuvius." On one warm

lU HOW TO LIVE CONSTRUCTT^-ELY

Tuesday momizig in August Ms. Gksria Dinnis, one of tbe coonsdois, stood up and took her tnriL ^ can^ believe this goddamn dty,** die yelled. *lt took me tiveflty Hiin u lfai just to get on the freeway this moraiBg. Then I oofDe in hrae and IVe got two a ppoiiMi neais schedDled at the same time. That idiot leceptAOoist car huipy supeiviaor hoed ought to know something by now. She's been here five months. And the fockin' air conditiomiig stffl doesn't work in my c^ce. If •^■mi^Imii^ ant done aboitt that soon Fm going to drag a lepaiinuui m here mysdif and stand there tin he finishes. Then IH present die bifi to Mr. Randolph peraooaBy."

The members of this imit have foond that sharing tbar frostrating feelings opeidy is both eneigizzng and abo bimgs them cioser fti gnl h t a asoowcxkos.

The "Vesovios* ritual should be used paiticQlaiiy in rniifiini'tii.iii whh Tiappy" events. The prospective bride or groom, the newly promoted hnshwid, the gradoated cliOd, or the new modier or faAtr Aoold be eocooraged to "^esavjus" aboot their m^kipnted Iiu &ti al ions and all of their n e g a tive feeiiags about the event. Abo in times of a crisis soch as an fflneas, death, school exammation, or job interviews, the ^^esavins" dkoald be en^ged in.

The "^esovins" is profrfi^iactic in des^n. Many petty, »Rfn»iing^ ftgh*» desiies to withdraw and maintain <fiftMif4* from an i i tfimair and individual brooding, moodines. and d cp r csii op are the resnit of sufibcated, nnezpieased nge» The "^esovios" can fa^ to keep die air sufficiently dear so that long-drawn-out batdes of siknoe, or sodden vkkms and ahoiatB^ attacks predpitatBd by nHncR- irritations are much less Qody to occur. This ritual can easOy be ndaptpd to a variety of settings whefe pec^le are in daily contact with each other aad wliae smothered fee&ngi are liafale to result in a tense atmosphere.

THE ^^mcryiA woolf^

In Edward Albee'S f^y Who's Afraid of Virgima Wootf? the protagonists of the pi^QT* > ooHege praiesMr and fail wife, wui> intD an •i«i««* oonCinnoos iBwilf CBcbang^ Their young guests often mistoc^ it for a rational t^ over issoes. It wasn't Rather, they were acts of involvement and lofe. She attacked him for bemg doctive acadeokafly. He attarkcd her for not having dhfl-

AGGRESSION RITUALS 167

dren. They maintained their intimacy througji this ritual. They gave each other hell so that the other person could fight back rather than turning the rage inwardly against himself.

The "Virginia Woolf is a free-for-all, no-verbal-holds-barred, below-the-beltiine insult exchange between two people. It is held by mutual engagement for a specific predetermined amount of time, such as two minutes. It provides a structured, nonlethal format for clearing the air of the mutual resentments that exist in all relationships but that rarely get aired until they build up to an intense level and result in a destructive, alienating donnybrook.

We have a rule of thumb about the **Virginia Woolf." The reality, intimacy potential, and genuine attachment between any two people, be they brothers, friends, lovers, or whatever, can be gauged by the extent to which they feel free, trusting, and comfortable enough with each other to indulge in a gut-level insult exchange. Relationships that require a "walking on eggshells" type of sensitivity are fragfle and tenuous. It requires genuinely deep involvement and a feeling of commitment and security in order to express one's most irrationally angry feelings toward the other.

The basic format for a "Virginia Woolf' between any two people who wish to explore and enhance their intimacy by engaging in this insult exchange includes:

1. Mutual consent for engagement.

2. An agreement of absolutely no physical violence.

3. A commitment to treat ^e exchange as "off the record," which means it is not to be taken literally, for indeed, the best '^Virginia Woolfs" will facilitate the most irrational, cruel, and vicious outbursts.

4. A specified and predetermined time limit, such as two minutes, which is mutually honored and after which the ritual is terminated.

Specifically, in this ritual each participant, within the agreed-upon time limit, lets loose in a loud, verbally assaultive manner, a torrent of insults against the other person. Both are screaming at the same time. Each participant is encouraged to focus entirely on his own attack and to avoid trying to Usten or respond to what the other person is saying. In the ideal **Virginia Woolf," neither

168 HOW TO LIVE CONSTRUCTIVELY

participant will have actually heard the other, even though they have been standing face to face and screaming directly into each other's face.

Once the "Virginia Woolf" has been mastered it will have the following characteristics: continuity, the steady stream of abusive and insulting remarks and hyperbole; and gross exaggerations, complete with total body involvement, in the way of facial expressions and gestures emphasizing derisive, sarcastic elements. The beneficial aftereffects are such that the participants report that they feel "cleansed" and much closer to the person they have just insulted. The ritual has also been found to be useful between individuals who have suffered a breach in their communication and find that either they can't talk to each other or when they do they become so excited and irritated that they start yelling at each other. The "Virginia Woolf," even between individuals who feel comfortable in their relationship, helps to keep the emotional signals clear. To reiterate, we feel that it is a sign of the profoundest sense of basic trust and security to feel comfortable enough with another person to engage in this kind of insult exchange.

THE ^^HAItlCUT' J¥ITH ^DOGHOUSE RELEASE""^

The "haircut," whose name was adopted from a Synanon technique, is a ritualized one-way verbal scolding that is accusing in content. The offense that is the basis for the "haircut" can be any irritating, offensive behavior that the person giving the "haircut" feels is causing severe damage to his ability to get close and continue an Involvement with the "offender." That is, it is behavior which if left uncon-fronted will severely impair the quality of the relationship. The purpose of the "haircut," then, is to allow for a catharsis over a hurt, which can then evolve into the "doghouse release," a re-entry ritual that can re-establish the offender into the good graces of the other person.

The content of a "haircut'* is limited to a specific behavior that the initiator has found to be particularly noxious and for which the offender accepts responsibility. The breaking of a promise, the betrayal of a trust, forgetting an important event such as an anniversary or birthday, or any such behavior can be an appropriate subject for a "haircut." "Haircuts" are also useful for individuals who only

AGGRESSION RITUALS 169

know each other casually or under very limited circumstances but who wish to keep the relationship free of secret buildups of anger by openly sharing their irritations with each other.

As in all rituals, the "haircut" requires mutual engagement. The initiator asks the offender for permission to give him a "haircut," after informing him briefly of the content If the offender acknowledges the possible reality of the offense, he agrees to accept this one-way scolding. A time limit, such as one minute, is established.

The offender then sits and listens in silence to the complaint for the allotted period of time. He may, after the "haircut" has been given, request clarification. However, he cannot respond to, answer, or in any way counter the "haircut" or defend himself either during or after this ritual.

Presuming that the offender recognizes and assumes responsibility for the offense, he may then request a "doghouse release." This is a specific penance, which is determined by the initiator and which the offender agrees to perform in order to get back into the initiator's good graces. The initiator, once accepting such a penance, corfi-mits himself to a total forgiving and forgetting.

In some instances, the person receiving the "haircut" may not acknowledge responsibility, or may not wish to request a "doghouse release" in order to re-establish himself in the good graces of the initiator. In these instances, he may simply reject the "haircut" and the ritual is ended.

Susan James and Michael Journey had recently opened up a mail order pet supply company, which they operated from the garage of Susan's home. For four weeks Michael had been promising to install a lighting fixture but had failed to do so. Susan's frustrations over this built to the point where she found herself neglecting certain responsibilities in order to spite Michael, though they were both suffering the consequences.

On the Monday morning of the fifth week Susan asked Michael for permission to give him a "haircut." He agreed, and a two-minute time limit was established. Susan began: "For the past month you've been promising to put in some decent lifting. I feel like a nagging shrew having to remind you every day. I also feel that your ignoring me is a way of saying 'Screw you I' and I'm losing my incentive for

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working. I resent it, and I'm pissed off as hell at you about it."

Michael listened to Susan, and the impact of what she was saying finally dawned on him. He accepted the "haircut" and requested a "doghouse release" to re-establish himself in her good graces. The "doghouse release" that Michael agreed to involved his completing the lighting work by the following evening and writing a formal note of apology to Susan for his neglect, which was to be pinned to the wall for two weeks.

THE BAT AC A FIGHT

A bataca fight is a ritual for releasing anger physically by using bataca bats. These bats are cloth-covered and filled with a soft, resUient material. This allows the fighters to swing at each other with total abandon. The pain is only slightly greater than that suffered in a pillow fight.

The bataca fight, like all the other rituals, is engaged in with mutual consent. When there are significant strength disparities as between a parent and a child, or between a large male and a smaller male or female, the participants must negotiate handicaps or "arms limitations" that will balance out the physical inequities. For example, a parent fighting with a small child may have to fight in kneeling position or on one foot, while holding the bat with only three fingers, in order to equalize the strength.

Physical handicapping to equalize strength should be done carefully and in such a way that once the handicaps are set both participants are free to hit each other with total abandon. Participants must be careful to avoid collusion in their handicapping, such as, for example, the "nice*' guy daddy or husband who handicaps himself so much that he is totally unable to fight effectively.

Other limitations are also set. For example, the fighters will want to agree on certain parts of the body that are not to be hit, such as the face or the genital area. A safety zone should also be established to which a tired or overwhelmed participant can retreat for a time out.

A time limit is agreed upon. Most participants find that one to two minutes is enough. Once the fight starts, the fighters engage each other by hitting with the bats. If the participants agree on it beforehand, an insult exchange may accompany the hitting. It is not uncommon to find

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that individuals who under ordinary circumstances feel too inhibited to engage in an insult exchange ("Virginia Woolf *) find that they are suddenly able to do so while fighting with the bats.

Bataca fighting is designed to give individuals a safe, physical outlet for anger release, particularly when words fail them and tension exists. It is both a playful and yet satisfying ritual and fills a gap for many people for whom physical aggression is either totally taboo or frightening.

BATACA LASHING

A "bataca lashing" is the physical equivalent of a "haircut." It is a mutually agreed-upon spanking in which the offender allows the offended person to physically release his feelings of hostility over a wrongdoing that has hurt or severely impaired the trust of the offended party. The offender who acknowledges the pain he has inflicted and wants to get back into the good graces of the offended party either requests or agrees to the "bataca lashing."

The participants first negotiate specific limitations for this ritual, after the permission for it has been requested and granted. The beating can be limited to short intervals, such as fifteen seconds. If the beating has not been enough to relieve the anger of the offended person, further time periods can be arranged for by negotiation.

The partner who is to receive the lashing is expected to stand still and erect so that the partner can hit cleanly and safely. The offended person giving the lashing is encouraged to express his anger verbally by shouting insults and phrases of condemnation with each stroke.

Randy Arnold, divorced and with two children, had promised to take his son Randy, Jr., to Disneyland on his son's birthday. Mr. Arnold, who had recently become intensely involved with a woman, forgot completely about the date. The next time he came over to take out the children, his son locked himself in his room and refused to come out to see his father. After considerable coaxing the father finally got Randy, Jr., to open up his door. The father handed him a bataca bat and requested a spanking. After a few minutes of self-conscious discomfort Randy, Jr., began hitting his father on the behind lightly. However, within a few seconds' time he was hitting him and screaming in full rage, "I hate youl I hate youl'* After

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about two minutes of this explosive screaming Randy suddenly calmed down and fell into his father's arms in tears. They were now friends again.

The "bataca lashing" is sometimes used after a death or divorce in which one partner is no longer physically available but where there is "unfinished business" in the form of residual anger. A cloth dummy or bean sack is used for a beating up in efl&gy.

THE ^^SLAVE MAKKET^^

In this ritual the participants have the opportunity of experiencing themselves within their relationship in total dominance and then total submission. They take turns in assuming the roles of "master" and then "slave," or vice versa. This ritual is designed to break the usual rigid power interactions that exist within a relationship, particularly where one person tends constantly to assume the active or dominant role and the other person assumes the passive or submissive one.

Prior to formal engagement a time limit is set, usually three to five minutes, and a decision is made as to who will assume which role first. The person who assumes the role of "slave" then establishes certain limitations by specifically indicating what he does not want to be asked to do (i.e., "I don't want to have to sing or crawl on the floor."). Once the ritual has begun, however, the "slave" is committed to performing immediately and fully whatever is commanded of him so long as the limitations are being respected.

Those who assume the role of "master" creatively will use this ritual as a vehicle to get the "slave" to do things they would ordinarily never do but the "master" would like to see them do. For example, a compulsively proper, soft-spoken person might be asked to yell out obscenities, or a passive person might be asked to behave in a very aggressive way.

This ritual can be usefuUy applied in any setting in which there are power disparities between the people involved. These include office, school, or home, among others. The ritual facilitates the experiencing of oneself in an atypical aggressive interaction with the other person. Furthermore, the ritual provides an opportunity for experiencing oneself outside of the traditional cultural stereotypes. For example, in male-female relationships men often feel

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pressured to be dommant while females feel compelled to behave submissively. This ritual forces each person to relate in a different aggressive posture than they are accustomed to and to experience their reaction to themselves under these conditions. It is surprising how many men, for example, discover that they genuinely enjoy being in the role of "slave," being passive and submissive, a role they may have consciously resisted all of their lives.

^ATTRACTION'RESERVATiON^

In this ritual the participants are asked to share openly their reaction to an aspect of the other person that they find attractive and one that creates a "tumoff," or a tendency to withdraw from contact. These may be relatively superficial, such as a reaction to physical appearance, idiosyncratic gestures, a tendency to frown and look angry or to be very attention-seeking ("show off"). We suggest that this ritual be used in the early stages of any relationship and then remain continually m use as the relationship intensifies.

Sharing a "tumoff** or **reservation" as well as an "attraction" is a basic part of keeping a relationship aggressively current. The normal aggression-phobic tendency is to avoid seeing what one doesn't like about another person or simply hiding the information to be polite. This really prevents the relationship from gettiog off on a realistic footing. At times the lack of sharing reservations may even prevent a relationship from getting started at all.

A friend of one of the writers, who owns a local chicken take-out franchise, employs as many as five teenagers at any given time. He mentioned that thiogs would be going fine for several weeks and then suddenly there'd be great animosity and somebody would quit. It was always a hassle finding somebody new to replace the person who'd left.

Having taken two of our oflBce aggression seminars, he began to encourage his new employees to engage the older ones in the "attraction-reservation" ritual. The following dialogue occurred between eighteen-year-old Bill, already employed for seven months, and seventeen-year-old Clifford, who had just been hired.

bill: The thing that turns me on about you is the fact that you ask a lot of questions. It makes me feel that you

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really want to learn. I really like that My major reservation is that you use too much "hip** language. Every other word is "far out!,'* "heavy!," or "dig.** It makes me feel like you*re afraid to be yourself and trying too hard to be •*Mr. Cool.**

CLIFFORD: What attracts me most about you is that you talk straight. No bullshit. You really seem to say what you mean. That makes me feel that at least I'll always know where I stand with you. My major reservation is that you*re so cold and aloof. You seem to take everything so goddamn seriously and you seem to have no sense of humor. That makes me feel I have to be very careful and uptight around you or you'll take sometihing I don't really mean the wrong way.

SELF-REPROACH

This is a solitary aggression ritual that we suggest be done alone in the evening. The individual is asked to stand with his eyes closed and then to return in memory to the moment of awakening in the morning. Then he is asked to find the thing or things that he did since that he feels angry at himself about, matters that make him feel ashamed or where he feels he really goofed I For example, taking two drinks more than he knows he should have, smiling and pretending to be friendly toward someone he really dislikes, allowing himself to be sweet-talked into a responsibility he didn't want or was unable to say "No" to, forgetting to put money in the parking meter and getting a ticket, etc.

After the person has uncovered all of these disliked be-Iiaviors, he is asked to scold himself verbally and with mild physical punishment, such as a slap on the face, while shouting self-insults such as "Dumb, dumb!"; "Idiot!" When he arrives at the point where he no longer feels angry at himself and continuing this ritual feels silly, he should stop.

At this point the person is ready to forgive himself. Eyes should be opened and an imaginary mirror created out of cupped hands. The individual should kiss the imagined image reflected in his hands and forgive himself by saying something like, "You're only hiunan. You have a perfect right to mess things up!"

This ritual is designed to offset the tendency to build up a backlog of self-hating memories and thoughts that may

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ultimately play a part in the experience of becoming depressed.

^VERSiSTENCE'RESiSTANCE^^

The "persistence-resistance'* ritual is designed to surface all of the pro and con reasons to a request before an answer of "Yes** or "No" is given. Two very common aspects of difficulty for most people in the area of aggressive expression are learning to assert oneself in the face of an initial rejection and learning to say "No" without feeling guilty when one does not feel like agreeing to a request.

The purpose of this ritual then is twofold. On the one hand, it facilitates practice in self-assertion. On the other it facilitates practice in overcoming and controlling the phony accommodating tendencies in one's personality. The latter is that part of one that is eager to please, to give in, and to say "Yes" even when one is feeling reluctant to do so.

Again, upon mutual agreement the person in the persistence role makes a request. The person of whom the request is being made is asked to automatically say "No" and to defend his resistance with an appropriate reason. The ritual is now in motion. The persister is asked to find as many creative and different reasons as he can to convince the resister to say "Yes." In turn, the resister is asked to express all of his possible reservations, all of the potential reasons why he would be better off saying "No." These should not be forced or phony. Only those reasons that are genuinely felt and believed should be given.

The ritual ends at the point where either the persister gives up and says, "I can see that you really don't want to and I don't want to continue trying because I've lost interest," or the resister says, "You've convinced me. I'll do it." Participants may agree on a cutoff point beforehand, such as seven persistences, after which, if the resister has not acquiesced, the ritual is ended.

As general practice at home, in the office, or between friends or lovers, we feel that engaging in this ritual can be a socially acceptable way of truly and deeply exploring demands and requests meaningfully in order to coimteract the tendencies toward phony accommodation, being prematurely pressured into something distasteful, or overcoming the feeling of rejection when one receives a "No'* with little or no meaningful exploration as to why. It is also

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a meaningful aggressive experience for many people just to leam to say "No" and stand behind it or to learn to assert oneself in the face of someone else's "No" and not interpret this as a personal rejection or an excuse for withdrawing, i The following spontaneous "persistence-resistance" ex- ' change took place between a veteran theatrical agent and a young actress who was trying to convince the agent that he should take her on as a cUent.

she: Mr. G., I would like you to represent me.

he: I don't think I can give you the kind of attention | and time it requires to build a career for someone.

she: I really feel I have a imique flair for comedy that's pretty rare today.

he: They're not making those kinds of films much anymore, and situation comedies on television are dying.

she: I've also done heavy drama and the classics. I've gotten nothing but fine reviews in every summer stock and theater piece I've ever done.

he: Good reviews are important, but there are a helluva lot of fine actresses running around this town with a portfolio full of good reviews.

she: I really wouldn't be a drain on your time. I'll do most of the hustling, and all you have to do is send me out on the auditions that I'll find out about myself.

he: I like that, but I've got sixteen clients right now and I don't want to overload myself.

she: How about a two-month trial period? If you don't get good feedback on me I'll go away quietly.

he: Well, I don't know really. Call me next Monday.

she: I think I ought to tell you I know I'm going to be successful with or without you. But I'd rather do it with you.

he: I think you do have the drive it'll take. I really like that about you. I'll make a three-months' trial arrangement with you.

This ritual is designed to surface secret resentments and : hurt experiences that have not been previously shared. In most relationships these feelings are accimiulated and j stored until at some point there is a straw that breaks ; the camel's back, and a large rift in the relationship de-

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velopw. At this point the stored-up negative feelings may be so overwhelming that the reconstruction of good wiU becomes impossible.

If the participants have a current ongoing relationship, the list should focus on the hurts that they feel the partner has inflicted on them, particularly those that have never been previously shared. If the participants are in the early stages of a relationship, such as a new employee with his employer or other employees, or in a new love relationship, the list can be made up of instances where the participant was hurt by another employer or member of the opposite sex in a past relationship and is still carrying the memory of that hurt and fear of its repetition into the present. Communicating this information in a ritual makes it less likely that the new relationship will be contaminated by past experiences.

This ritual is engaged in by mutual agreement. Each person writes down a list of past hurts in whatever order they occur to him or her. There is no time limit to the list-reading, though one person may call a time out if he or she feels overloaded. The listening partner remains totally silent, never answering or defending as the list is being read. When one participant has finished, the other begins to read his or her list. There is never a discussion of any item on either list imtil the ritual has been completed by both parties.

After both participants in an ongoing relationship have read their lists, there are a number of options for dealing with the items presented.

1. Bury certain list items by agreeing that their memory will henceforth be consigned to oblivion.

2. Barter some items, which means trading them off. "I'll agree to forget about the time you insulted me in front of a client if youTl forget about the time I stayed away all night and never called you.**

3. Agree that some items are legitimate fight issues that need to be dealt with in a fair fight format because they contain possibilities for constructive changes. (See chapter entitled "Office Fights for Change" for details of the fair fight format.)

4. Enshrine some items permanently in the "Hurt Museum" simply because it is enjoyable to remind the other person of them.

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In this ritual each participant writes a list of his or her "beltlines" and exchanges them with his or her partner. "Beltlines" are whatever sensitive areas, behaviors, criticisms, or responses one finds emotionally devastating. These "beltlines" are idiosyncratic in nature. What is minor to one person may be very painful to another. For example, some people enjoy being touched while they're spoken to. Others recoU in revulsion and withdraw from further contact Discussions carried on in a loud voice may be abhorrent to some while not affecting others negatively at all. "BeltUnes" that involve personally sensitive areas may include comments about one's weight, job failures, previous traumatic relationships, or remarks about one's emotional stability.

Jerry Bradford who attended our fight training group for married couples along with his wife, from whom he was separated at the time, read her the following list of "beltlines"—things she did and conmients that she would make that hurt him very deeply or caused him to become red with rage:

1. Whenever you tell me that I've only been a success at my work because I'm an ass-kisser.

2. When I pick up my guitar to play and you grimace or walk out of the room.

3. Whenever you bring up that business about my first wife having run off with another guy and that I should be grateful because you haven't done the same thing.

4. When you tell me that I don't have to work as hard as I do and then you go out and spend hundreds of dollars on plants and clothing and keep the big bills coming in.

5. When I start talking about my work in front of other people and you look like you're ready to fall asleep with boredom.

Though some of these "beltline" reactions may be considered neurotic, until they are worked out in psychotherapy or in some other way, it is important that people involved with each other become sensitive to and respectful of each other's "beltlines" Lf a relationship of trust and closeness is to be buUt.

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We all have certain stereotyped notions about people that we attach to their sex, color, profession, religion, appearance, etc. For example, seeing women as being manipulative, hysterical, materialistic; seeing Mexican-Americans as being procrastinators or irresponsible; seeing engineers as being unemotional and computeriike; and seeing Jews as being conniving and materialistically ruthless are some.

Most people like to think of themselves as not harboring such stereotyped perceptions. Our experience suggests that such people are a rare minority, if in fact they exist at all. This ritual, performed in groups, is designed to surface these stereotypes in the eariy stages of involvement between any mutually hostUe groups desirous of working or communicating with each other meaningfully.

Young people harbor many stereotypes about older people, as do blacks of whites, males of females, students of faculty, employers of employees, and vice versa. Particu-lariy in work settings, where such groups need to be able to communicate meaningfully, we feel that the traditional rituals of politeness and extreme concern with protocol are wasteful, phony, and ineffective. Inevitably the barriers remain despite the great efforts expended to bridge them. We have found that an open and total sharing of the deepest suspicions and resentments utilizing this ritual, can facilitate genuine communication based on a mutual reality. Individuals in these groups can speak the •'unspeakable" thoughts and feelings that each knows exist but pretends don't, and proceed from there.

In this ritual, upon mutual agreement, each group huddles and gathers an arsenal of their most primitive, irrational, and unspeakable stereotypes of the other group. Groups should allow all of their negative feelings to emerge. This ritual, which is best done in the presence of a referee, is engaged in in turns. A member of one group stands up and whUe facing the other group sitting down a few feet away, lashes out in a verbal assault for an agreed-upon amoimt of time, such as one minute. After this he must remain standing while he listens to the response of the group he has just attacked, also for one minute or an agreed-upon amoimt of time. Then one member from the

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other group stands up and takes a turn. Eventually each person in both groups is given a chance to vent these feelings. The ritual ends only after everyone has taken a turn.

This is a group version of a "Virginia Woolf" except that both sides do not insult at the same time, as they do in the "Virginia Woolf." The merit of an insult exchange done in a group is that speaking the '^unspeakable'* when done in this form can even be fun, while if done on an individual basis would be too threatening and anxiety-provoking. It is remarkable to see the "ice melt" after such an insult exchange and to observe distant, distrustful, and hostile groups begin to become more comfortable with each other.

ADAM'T YOfJH OWN RITUALS

The rituals described in this chapter are viewed by the authors mainly as transitional structures, bridging devices, and temporary supports, much like balancers on a bicycle. It is anticipated that the reader will be saying to himself that the rituals are contrived. We would agree. They are contrived in much the same way as learning to relieve oneself on a toilet is contrived when compared with the freedom and spontaneity of defecating or urinating wherever or whenever one pleases. In our culture today personal aggression is unsocialized, and we do tend to release these feelings in "dirty," repulsive, and destructive ways, any time and any place, because there are no rituals or formats by which to release them in structured, non-hurtful, ar^d playful ways. People have little or no control over angry or resentful feelings when they well up because their expression has always been suppressed or denied.

As individuals utilize and become comfortable with these transitional devices, they may wish to abandon them and develop their own structures for nonhurtful aggressive expression and release. These formal structures can then be adapted to individual needs. We view these rituals essentially as "permission givers," which say to people that it is all right to have and express aggressive feelings, and here's a way to do it in a safe, constructive way. It is our hope that eventually the development of rituals to release personal aggression will become an art and/or a science and that creative, inspired individuals everywhere will be stimulated to develop new and increasingly effective and relevant ones.

CHAPTER 13

The Aggressive Bodg

Mr. Milton Wright, who had a history of skin disorders, was sitting in his psychologist's waiting room. He had fought trafiBc in order to get to his appointment on time because his psychologist, Dr. Braun, would make an issue out of it when he arrived late and interpret it as being his "resistance" against the therapy. This particular day he had managed to get to his appointment five minutes eariy and had already been kept waiting for over twenty minutes. He was feeling restless and resentful and was even beginning to think, "To hell with him, if he doesn't come out soon I'll just leave," when Dr. Braun came into the waiting room. Mr. Wright immediately began to smile—but he also got a sudden and violent itching attack. Noticing this, his psychologist asked him what he had felt about having been kept waiting and what he was feeling right now. Mr. Wright could only answer, "Nothing really, except that I was glad to see you." In this response he was actually being consciously honest. His fear of getting directly angry at his doctor and possibly being rejected for it, as he imagined might happen, caused these feelings to be immediately repressed when the doctor appeared. Dr. Braun pressed him further about the possibility of his having been angry, and Mr. Wright shouted, "Damn it! I know what I feel like when I'm angry, and I wasn't angry!"

When they began to explore the intense itching during the session and with Dr. Braun's supportive comments about how it was okay to have been resentful, Mr. Wright started remembering and experiencing the anger and finally was able to express the feeling that the doctor was "shitting on him," as he put it. When he was finally able to look at the doctor and say, "You pissed me off," the itching

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subsided. Until then, those angry feelings were being directed against his own body rather than at its real target.

THE CAUSES OF PSYCHOSOMATIC DISEASES

A recent issue of the prestigious research journal on psychosomatic illness, the Journal of Psychosomatic Research, was devoted to the relationship of repressed aggression to psychosomatic illness. One researcher, discussing in a summary way the role of repressed aggression in the development of psychosomatic diseases, arrived at the following conclusion: "It is a hard clinical fact that psychosomatic syndromes do not arise when activated aggression has not been suppressed or repressed beyond a certain degree." ^ In other words, he was saying that psychosomatic diseases have repressed aggression at least as a partial cause at their root. The psychosomatic illness serves the function of warding off this aggressive impulse. It arises because the person is not able to express these feelings directly. The psychosomatic illness may also provide him with the attention and control the person couldn't otherwise get. At other times the illness develops because the aggressiveness or "fighting back" reaction needed to resist the illness is absent. In general, many psychosomatic symptoms are created when the aggressive impulse is warded off and the energy from it is being discharged into a pathway of bodily functions rather than through open emotional responsiveness.

The constructively aggressive individual reads the signals for self-preservation that the body sends out during the body crisis we term sickness. He assumes assertive responsibility for removing causes that bring on bodily distress rather than passively ingesting pills to disguise the presence of the discomfort This may involve increased exercise to tone up the body and build greater resistances. Or it may mean eating only when he feels hunger rather than passively acquiescing to the schedules and rhj^thms of eating set forth by others, and by resisting the social pressures at parties or dinner to stupefy himself with food and drink that his body does not require. Most importantly, however, he learns to recognize the needs of his own physiology and asserts himself in accord with his own bodily rhythms and needs rather than passively accepting those

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rhythms that have been extemaUy imposed. On an emotional level this means dealing with the conflicts and crises in his life directly and assertively rather than allowing the effects of repressed aggression to impair him physiologically. For indeed, the physiological price of the repression of one's "aggressive body," failing to read its signals, is incredibly high. Scientific research is pointing to its role in many of the major illnesses, from arthritis to sclerosis and from hypertension to cancer. Aggressive impulses and feelings when expressed in normal and healthy ways, serve a powerful self-preservative function. However, they turn their energy against the body when they are not provided open, expressive outlets. When aggressive feelings are openly and directly expressed, they energize and excite the body's muscular system. The sympathetic adrenal system is mobilized and releases an enormous flow of energy. The muscles designed for active expression become charged with power unknown to them at other times. In the aggression-repressed person the conscious awareness and discharge of this response are blocked. As a result, the individual remains in a state of more or less permanent underlying aggressiveness, which will make him constantly "high-strung," "tense," "ready to explode," and "short." The feelings and impulses that are not given adequate discharge by open expression are retained within the physiology and short-circuited internally to produce the bodily changes that are the foimdations for psychosomatic diseases.

THE ASTHMATIC: A HIDDEN PROTESTER

Jonathan Reynolds was twenty-four years old and single. He rarely dated. His mother, with whom he was living, was a very domineering and old-fashioned lady. Jonathan had to dress neatly for all meals, was not allowed to raise his voice in the house, and had to tell her about every letter and phone call he received. She constantly hovered over him.

Periodically, Jonathan would make attempts at behaving more independently or rebelliously. His mother would ask him who he was on the phone with, and he would respond with an angry, "It's private." Occasionally he would even look through the classified ads for rentals linking he might

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move out. However, pretty soon he would start to feel guilty and have an asthmatic attack, just as he had since he was a child. At these times of illness he would turn to his mother, who would be very loving and concerned. She would use his asthmatic attack as an opportunity to reinforce the idea that Jonathan really needed her and couldn't survive without her. Jonathan would soon become docile and grateful.

The asthmatic attacks were at once a cry to be taken care of and a fear of the aggressiveness involved in rejecting his mother's control and asserting himself independently, which he was afraid to do. He and his mother were in collusion on this. His mother preferred his illnesses to his aggressiveness and reinforced the illnesses heavily. Jonathan was frightened of his aggressiveness and readily regressed back into the baby role, wheezing, coughing, choking, and crying for mother's help instead of acting assertively.

In another case, Mary Cole, twenty-four years old when she came for help, began to have her asthmatic attacks two years earlier. This was only shortly after she had discovered that her husband Mickey had been having sexual relations with other women. She was enraged inside of herself but imable to express it because she was afraid of him.

At about the same time her husband, who was a stock car racing fanatic, was involved in a bad accident. During his convalescence at home he became very demanding on Mary and insisted on being catered to by her. Mary resented this enormously and felt like saying, "Get one of your girlfriends to take care of you!" But she felt too guilty and fearful to say it at that time. She began having asthmatic attacks. The clinic at the hospital referred her to the psychiatric division. As she began to talk about what was going on in her life and could express some of the bottled-up rage at her husband's behavior openly, the asthmatic attacks subsided.

The asthmatic personality is described in psychosomatic literature as dependent, overly conscientious, and afraid of open expression of anger and confrontation toward those he needs. Inhibited in the area of self-assertiveness and unable to discharge anger and rage, the asthmatic reaction becomes an indirect reaction to their world, which they experience as hostile, but feel impotent in terms of impacting on and changing.

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Unexpressed rage within a close dependency relationship seems to be a key psychological factor in the personal makeup of the asthmatic. The asthmatic attacks often cease when the person is able to gain enough inner security and strength to express the rage directly and to function independently.

THE ^^HEABACHE PERSONALITY''^

It is estimated that at least fifteen million Americans suffer from recurrent tension headaches. Migraine sufferers have been described as perfectionistic, driven, and over-controlled. They remain outwardly calm and petite while hiding their anger and rage inside of themselves. The following is a case illustration of this pattern.

A thirty-nine^year-old single woman worked as an executive for a major advertising firm in Chicago. She'd worked her way up slowly through fifteen years of hard work and felt proud of her abihty to make it in a man's world. In the process she had denied herself a social life. She had only been seriously involved with a man once, and at the verge of getting married had decided against it.

Six months before her first migraine attack she met a man in his early sixties who was a lawyer on the verge of retirement. He represented stability to her, and she could feel confident he didn't want her for her money. On an impulse she decided to accept his marriage proposal. However, she got more than she bargained for, and soon began feeling imposed upon. He wanted his dinner each evening and also wanted her to cut down on her work schedule. She began to feel that the marriage had been a mistake. She realized that she had married in a panic, out of fear that it might be getting too late. However, she accepted this as her lot but was getting frequent headaches at work.

Her family doctor after a long discussion suggested a trial separation. She agreed and took her own apartment. After two weeks of Uving alone the migraines ceased. On and off she would return to her husband for a few days, but each time the result was the same. The headaches returned. She was referred for psychotherapy and during her sessions was surprised to discover how often in her fantasies and dreams she pictured her husband dead, and at times she herself was the killer.

Migraine sufferers in psychotherapy often reveal in-

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tensely hostile fantasies toward intimates such as spouses and siblings in which they see themselves chopping their heads open with an ax. These fantasies are in stark contrast to an outward personality that is highly socialized, controlled, and perfectionistic. Only when their general up-tightness loosens up do they stand a chance of overcoming these headaches without the use of drugs.

THE BYPERTENSIVE PERSON

An estimated number of ten to twenty-five million Americans have chronically high blood pressure. This serious disorder can damage blood vessels, the kidney, and the heart, and make the individual vulnerable to strokes.

Again, as in the "headache personality," in the hypertensive person there is a wide gap between internal emotional experience and the external face the world sees. The hypertensive is often described as outwardly calm, friendly, and well adjusted. They are commonly known as loyal, hard workers, and beasts of burden who always take on more than their share of resp<Misibility. The only giveaway to the buildup of their inner resentment and feelings that "Everything is always left up to mel" are occasional sudden outbursts of temper. Otherwise, they are known for their outward calm. It is not imusual to see them remain loyally on the same job for years even though they are being imderpaid and overworked. When they are finally promoted to higher positions of power their hypertensive condition often becomes more severe because they have great trouble with their aggression in terms of asserting themselves and giving orders.

Kathy McPhee, thirty-one, was the head of her own thriving travel agency in a small eastern city. She had a knack for making people love her immediately. She was always cheerful and available to help in any last-minute travel crises. However, no one really got close to Kathy. Though quite attractive, she lived alone, never dated except for attending an occasional community function with a client, and had no close friends.

Though she consistently grossed over four thousand dollars a month, she continued to work twelve-hour days She felt under constant pressure to keep up with the latest travel developments and to stay ahead of her competitors. Twice in the previous year she had hired an assistant and

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each time had let the assistant go. They didn't meet her high standards of perfection. At the time that her doctor had discovered her tendency to extremely high blood pressure she had just hired a new assistant but continued to feel, "It's all up to me. I still have to worry about everything." Her doctor, who was her only confidant and knew of the frustration, rage, and pressures within her, referred her for psychotherapy.

Underneath the surface friendliness and extreme conscientiousness of the hypertensive personality a constant buildup of resentment is occumng. This breaks through occasionally in the form of an outburst over some petty issue. In Kathy's case, her assistants would be the target of this rage if they hai^ned to do something that displeased her, such as making a personal phone call during office hours.

In psychotherapy, the outwardly cheerful, **friendly** hypertensive reveals intensely hostile fantasies. They often admit to wishing that people who were close to them would go away or drop dead. There is a tremendous sense of bitterness toward family and intimates whom they see as cold, demanding, and resi>onsible for la3dng all the burdens on them. The hypertensive, however, hides his needs and anger behind a front of hard work, "friendliness," and selflessness.

THE ARTHRITIC

Recent studies of arthritis have concluded on the basis of considerable evidence that people with rheumatoid arthritis have as a major cause of their illness strong conflicts over their anger and its expression. Patients studied are frequently described in research literature as having had mothers who were highly authoritarian, unreasonable, and overly severe in their discipline. The patient's reactions to this arbitrary authority were always covert. Overt resistance and open expressions of resentment rarely if ever occurred. They were afraid to assert themselves in this way.

Arthritics are also frequently described in research studies as individuals who are introverted and overly sensitive to anger in others. While they themselves are far less willing to express their own anger than others, they also have a strong personal aversion to other people who are strongly or directly aggressive. Some arthritics contain their aggres-

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sion by exercising great control over themselves and benevolent tyranny over others. Loss of the person they dominate tends to set off the attack of arthritis. Others strike a masochistic pose and are known as "long sufferers." Their style is a self-sacrificing and aggressively inhibited one.

One such example was Michael Bond. He was a soft-spoken, hard-working hardware supply salesman. He had four children and got all his pleasure doing things for others. After a hard day's work he'd help the kids with homework and his wife with the household chores. On weekends he coached Little League and worked for the church. The arthritis in his fingers began in his midthirties. Though the pain was at times very severe, rarely did it cause him to give up his activities.

Some specialists in psychosomatic medicine interpret the gnarled posture of an arthritic's joints as symbolic of the chronically inhibited aggression and as a self-punishing, self-inhibiting defense. The underlying repressed aggression, which seeks discharge through the muscles, results in a simultaneous increase in the tonus of the antagonist muscles. Over a long period of time this traumatizes the joints and is believed to be a factor in creating the gnarled postures and pains of arthritis.

niBDEN AGGRESSiON AND CANCER

Cancer has been the subject of extensive research during the past ten years. Victims of cancer were described in one study as "inhibited individuals, with repressed anger, hatred, and jealousy." ^ Another study found that women who had cancer "were found to have no techniques for discharging aggression directly. They denied these feelings in themselves." ^ While we are not implying that repressed aggression is the sole cause of this complex and terrifying disease, we feel that these findings are nevertheless noteworthy.

More startling is a recent study by Kathleen Stravraky, who compared a group of patients who deteriorated rapidly after their diagnosis of cancer to a group who had lived longer than predicted. Of the 204 patients studied, those in whom the cancer progressed rapidly to termination were those whose personalities were described as highly defensive, with strong predispositions to be de-

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pressive and inhibited in hostile expression. Those with the favorable outcomes, who had lived for a significantly longer time, were able to become more frequently hostile than the cancer patients who survived only an average length of time. This capacity for open hostile expressiveness was seen as a key factor contributing to a favorable prognosis.*

Recently in an autobiographical writing a female cancer sufferer described the course of her disease. She made some remarkable observations about her interactions with people during her illness. She described particularly how she and most other cancer patients she knew were prevented by friends and intimates from expressing their plight directly. Friends were empathetic to expressions of sadness and helplessness but became uncomfortable when the patient gave vent to anger and resentment. Sensing their visitors* discomfort, the cancer patients tended to hide their anger and tried to fill silences with happy, cheery talk. This left them feeling more alienated and hopeless than before the visit.*^

COLLUSiON mjniNG ILLNESS

The reader might reflect on the collusion to abort aggressive displays that goes on between sick people and their intimates. The very sympathy of others may be repressing the vigorous, aggressive response that results in quick recovery. A dramatic and pathetic example of this collusion was noted recently by the writers. It involved a twelve-year-old boy named William, who was brought in supposedly for the purposes of an educational evaluation. He had been doing poorly in school. However, during the interview he readily began talking about his seizures. At one point during the session he had one. His left arm extended, his right arm flexed, and his eyes and head turned to the right. This continued for about tliirty seconds. Immediately afterward he was dazed and confused but aware that he had had a seizure and sought sympathy from the examiner.

In the discussion that followed it became evident that these convulsions, though often real, were also attention-getting devices. That is, sometimes his seizures were caused by abnormal brain wave components, but at other times they weren't.

William continued to come for a few more therapy ses-

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sions and began to make improvements. His seizures were occurring less frequently. His parents at this point, surprisingly enough, became openly hostile to the therapist. When they came to pick William up, the therapist met with them privately, and it came out that the parents had been increasingly hateful to each other and close to ending their marriage when William began to have his seizures. William's illness brought them closer together and had had a quieting effect on their relationship. However, now that William was starting to improve, the parents were beginning to turn their hostility on each other again. They finally admitted that they really needed William to remain ill.

Many interpersonal interactions in our culture bear a resemblance to this insidious one we have just described. When those close to us complain of unhappiness or illness, we respond favorably and sympathetically. When they respond assertively or express strength and independence through their ability to confront and express anger, they are rejected. With married couples such an interaction often takes the following form. When one spouse looks hurt, tearful, or frightened, it generates a loving response from the other. When the same spouse asserts himself or herself angrily or independently, the reception is harsh or cold.

THE HIDDEN USES OF ILLNESS

In an aggression-phobic environment such as ours the experience of being sick can assume many symbolic and covert meanings. In such a culture, sick people are given special sanction, the power to control and demand from others and with no reciprocal expectations.

From early childhood on, many children learn, in subtle and not so subtle ways, that while they are normally powerless in their capacity to impact on their parents and may even be largely ignored, when they become sick something magical happens. They receive attention and affection and are given the license to demand and control the family, something they do not ordinarily have when they are healthy. This seed planted bears its fruit in adulthood. For some adults, for example, chronic illness becomes an indirect way of exerting power, asserting themselves and manipulating others. Unable to gain this power openly

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through self-assertion during health, they become "sickness tyrants." They expect to be catered to. Those who resist are made to feel guilty, rejecting, heartless, and cruel.

Illness can also control imderiying aggression, as was previously pointed out in the case of William by bringing dissident, unhappy families together in the common cause of "helping" a family member who is sick. The sick one, however, soon becomes a permanent necessity used to maintain the family's peace and harmony. The tragic irony in all of this is that physical sickness is being experienced with less anxiety and is seen as more preferable than open expressions of aggression.

People are also more prone to becoming ill in times when they are depressed and their aggressive drives are diminished or lacking. The diminished mobilization of aggression is accompanied by greater vulnerability to illness through lowered resistance to infection and the lowering of physiological defense processes that affect the immunizing responses and endocrine functioning. Coughs, colds, or viruses often seem to come on when there is frustration in a life situation, with a blocking of the aggressive energies needed for a constructive solution.

The full mobilization of aggression is also required for the recovery from illness. We speak of sick people "putting up a good fight" to get better, and we observe others who don't seem to have a "will toward health." Individuals who continue to maintain an aggressiveness or fight toward recovery are known to stand a much better chance of surviving severe illnesses, recovering from operations, and overcoming the residual physical disabilities. Right to the point of resisting death and maintaining life for as long as possible, the open aggressive drive is required. One often hears people bemoaning the fact that so many "nice" people seem to die young while the "bastards" live long lives. The availability of aggressive energy may be an important factor in this folk truth.

THE QUESTIONS ONE SHOULO ASK

At the onset of any symptoms or illness, but particularly those that are known to have important psychosomatic aspects, the victims would do well to ask themselves the following: First, has there recendy been an important negative or depressing change in my life situation or in my

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relationship to my spouse, family, employer, friends, or in any other significant relationship? Second, are there recent matters that are or might be causing me frustration, anger, or trauma and where I feel immobili2sed in terms of trying to do anything about it? Third, has any recent experience or conflict activated my aggressive or flight impulses while I was blocked from being able to express or discharge my feelings? For example, did somebody reject, threaten, hurt, injure, or abandon me while I remained imable to release the feelings this brought out in me? Fourth, if my answer to the previous question is "Yes," what is preventing me from discharging the anger, aggressiveness, protest, hostility, or jealousy feelings in a satisfying and effective way? What am I afraid might happen if I expressed these feelings directly? Fifth, assuming I have a block against expressing these feelings, how can I overcome it so that I can become constructively and creatively aggressive on behalf of my health and my life?

THE AGGRESSIVE LANGUAGE OF THE BODY

The result of social conditioning is such that most of us are no longer in touch with our body's messages; nor are we able to interpret and appropriately respond to its cries of anger at physical abuse or emotional discomfort and distress. We have learned instead to "fight against" the symptom, to try to diminish or overcome it. A blatant though extremely common example of this is the use of antacids to overcome distress after we've overeaten so that one might be able to continue to eat some more. Some enterprising chemical researcher will one day discover the perfect hangover cure that will allow people to get totally drunk, regularly, with the complete assurance that they can muffle the body's signals of distress and protest the following day. In general, the prevailing tendency in our society is to respond to signals of body outrage and resistance against self-destructive behaviors such as overeating, boozing, or smoking, or signals of distress such as nausea, diarrhea, cramps, or bloating by ingesting a chemical substance to muffle or overcome the symptom rather than listening to and learning to interpret these meaningful forms of body language in an assertive way. The symptoms

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are stifled with a pill, an injection, or other medicinal substance designed to mask the pain and "kill" the signal.

Contemporary forms of psychotherapy such as Gestalt and bioenergetics have placed increasing emphasis on teaching individuals how to hsten to and interpret their body's messages. This is viewed as an excellent pathway to growth and therapeutic change. For example, rather than trying to overcome or ignore a feeling of body tightness, restlessness, or anxiety, or a specific symptom such as a headache or impulse to vomit, these therapists try to put people in touch with the message contained withiu these reactions. During the course of a Gestalt therapy session the therapist might ask the client to give a voice to a bodUy reaction by saying, for example, "What is that tightness in your chest saying?" The underlying theoretical point of view is that these bodily reactions are part of the total emotional response and can often provide a more truthful, uncontaminated insight into what a person is experiencing than mere verbalizations and intellectualizations.

An illustration of the process and its significance occurred recently to Dr. Goldberg while he was in the process of looking for a new office. In the rush to find suitable office space, before the lease in the other office expired, he frequently found himself trying to talk himself into liking an office that was obviously unattractive and poorly suited for his needs. Invariably, his body signals, which he would have preferred to ignore, were telling him the truth of his feelings and screaming out **No." That is, a dull headache would appear or there would be butterflies in the stomach or a feeling of extreme discomfort and restlessness. Once while going to an office he had previously looked at and was now seriously considering for rental, the author discovered that he had driven several blocks beyond the address. Another time he lingered over coffee rather than to go to an appointment to discuss the final rental terms. In all of these instances the body's messages were clearly saying "No." While intellectually the author was trying to talk himself into certain offices and telling himself the offices were really great, the body signals were signaling resistance against them. When the right office was finally stumbled upon, the body felt light as air, relaxed and comfortable, and there was no impulse to get some coffee or have a cigarette to "think about it" and numb the body's signals.

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There are a wide variety of body signals that people receive constantly, messages trying to get through. Mostly, they tend to ignore them or become embarrassed by them. However, there is often something meaningful and truthful being expressed by the body through these signals, and the responses deserve to at least be listened to and consulted. In an overiy intellectualized culture such as ours, the body may prove in fact to be the best way back to discoveriing the truth of our repressed aggressive responses and impulses.

A note of caution, howeverl Sometimes a body response is just a body response. That is, sometimes a yawn is really only an expression of fatigue. At other times, however, it may be a reflection of repressed aggression. The following are only suggested interpretations and not the only possible meanings of various physical responses that may be signaling repressed aggression.

YAWNING

As socialized members of this culture, people have been taught not to yawn in someone's face, to suppress it if they feel it coming, and to apologize for it if it accidentally breaks through. It is considered rude behavior. Though people tend to interpret a yawn as a sign of fatigue, very often it is an unconscious response to a conversation, interaction, or experience that is lifeless, meaningless, or in plain terms boring. However, because this is something people would rarely risk saying to someone openly, because they wouldn't want to "hurt their feelings," the true response is expressed physiologically rather than directly. The embarrassment upon yawning is over having been revealed for what one is truly feeling.

In the name of politeness and good social graces, employees, whether they be faculty members of coUege departments, workers in a government or private social agency, employees of the same division in a large private corporation, or board members of a foundation, all work hard to stifle their yawns when attending their respective meetings. The impulse to yawn may be their body's way of saying, **This is boring," "We're not getting anywhere," *'Why doesn't he shut up already," "Christ, I wish I were someplace else," "We've gone over this a hundred times in the past," or "We're really beating a dead horse."

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In a society that did not suppress aggressive confrontation people would not fear saying directly to another person, "You're boring me." This can be a simple, good-willed message that says, "I feel that we can interact in a more vital way!'*

A yawn that is hidden behind an interested facade is a form of collusion that prevents a relationship or situation from moving Into a more vital path. It is a disservice to the other person. The person you avoid yawning in front of may also be the person you later avoid getting together with again altogether.

FARTING

Farting, like yawning, is considered socially rude behavior, only more so. Often the message behind a fart is one of disinterest in the other or even an expression of contempt. While the fart may simply be a symptom of internal gas, it may at other times also be an indicator of a repressed aggressive feeling. People rarely fart when they are happily involved, interested, and "turned on." Folk language has always viewed a "fart in the face" as an expression of total disdain. A child who farts while he's sitting with his parents, a husband who farts while in bed with his wife, a woman who farts while attending church or a PTA meeting, might question whether they are not in fact expressing their feelings of resentment toward the experience or person they are involved in.

Recently, a very gifted European tailor was referred for psychotherapy by his physician. He was on the verge of giving up his profession because of an embarrassing tendency to fart whenever he bent over to measure the pants leg of his male clients. During the course of his therapy it was discovered that the farting took place specifically when he touched the foot area. It turned out the farting was an expression of his resentment over touching the dirty shoes of his clients. When the tailor realized this, he employed a full-time shoeshine man to clean every customer's shoes before the fitting. His farting problem was solved.

Figuratively speaking, farts should be listened to. They are often very meaningful messages to oneself as well as to others. Ask yourself if you have a tendency to fart only in front of certain people or in certain places. If the ansv/er

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is "Yes," there's a good chance that the fart contains a message of repressed aggression. If nothing else, do not flee in embarrassment. Rather, accept the possibility that you are holding back negative feelings that are covering your true emotional responses and see if there isn't a direct and constructive way of giving off the same message instead.

ETCHING

In a case described earlier in this chapter, a man felt anger at his doctor, but was afraid of consciously acknowledging the existence of this feeling, and suddenly developed a violent itch when the doctor appeared. Psychological literature and research have consistently noted that chronic itching is a way of turning one's rage or resentment against the self in a self-punishing way because of a fear or inability to release or express this feeling overtly.

Tom Howard, the head of an assembly division of an appliance manufacturing plant, simmioned the floor manager, Steve Stokes, into his oflBce. He asked him for a detailed plan as to how his group would recover from a late schedule resulting from having had to call back thirty thousand broilers and blenders that had a faulty part in them, which had made them imsafe because they were prone to catching on fire. Steve knew he had a personnel problem with a group of rebellious, bored workers but hesitated to mention it for fear he might be accused of being a poor manager. His hands began to sweat, and there was a strong itching sensation on his forearm as he repressed his intense anger over the bind he felt caught in. After a fifteen-minute lecture by Howard on declining profits and rising costs, which he listened to patiently, Stokes suddenly exploded, screaming, "Goddamn it. I'm doing the best I fuckin' can." The itching on his forearm stopped.

Itching that suddenly appears without a good physiological reason (for example, an insect bite) should be considered as a possible sign of repressed anger or rage. Ask yourself if you have recently or are presently feeling hurt or mistreated by something that someone close to you is doing and whether in fact you would be frightened to show that person your anger openly. If the answer is

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"Yes," it is quite likely that you are turning these feelings against yourself.

AVOIDANCE OF EYE CONTACT

There are certain people with whom you may find it impossible or extremely difficult to sustain eye-to-eye contact. It feels much more comfortable to avoid their gaze.

This reaction is very meaningful. Its potential meanings are many, but in terms of its hidden aggression aspect it may be saying, "I don't trust him, I sense anger, hostility, or manipulativeness that he isn't showing directly," or "I resent this person but I am afraid to experience or express this feeling."

It is not accidental that with certain people you may instinctively avert their gaze. Courses in public relations that teach people how to be successful in business often stress making eye contact. Such eye contact is phony and manipulative. A possible way to gauge the sincerity of eye contact is to sense in yourself whether you feel comfortable in returning this eye contact. The strong desire not to should be respected and listened to, for it may be a signal to yourself that the other person's eye contact is experienced as phony or manipulative.

Of course, we have simplified the many intricate meanings of eye contact. However, part of its meanings do he in the area of aggression and its repression, and this should be recognized.

BLUSHMNG

This response is frequently associated with shyness and embarrassment. Someone asks a personal question and you blush, or someone walks in on you doing something you consider private and you redden. The blushing is an indirect way of saying, "You're making me uncomfortable," or "I don't like what you're doing." Instead of saying this, however, the blusher frequently shrinks in embarrassment, often to a kidding by the source of the embarrassment

Lenita was sitting at her desk typing when one of the insurance salesmen came walking by her desk, leaned over, and whispered, "What were you doing in Mr. Friedman's office for an hour and a half yesterday? Taking a letter, or was there some kind of heavy conference going on?"

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Lemta*s face turned various shades of red. The blush that betrayed her feeliogs of guilt prevented her from expressing her real feeling at the time, which was, "None of your goddamn business I!"

Occasionally you may find yourself blushing when you're being flattered. The tendency is to interpret this as shyness. Before interpreting it in this way, hold onl Is your blush possibly saying, "I don't believe he or she means it. They're flattering me manipulatively."? Trust the blush as an automatic aversion response that may be saying far more than just "Fm shy."

The next time you blush, try saying, *T don't like . . .*' and finish the sentence with the cause of the blushing. In other words, "I don't like you asking me that question." See if that then makes sense in helping you interpret your blush.

PALING

Individuals pale when they've suddenly or rmexpectedly become frightened. Sometimes this is a response to being caught doing something wrong. The paling is often accompanied by other fear responses, such as sweating, nausea, and weakening. It is a response of total helplessness, and as such is self-undermining.

Paul Curtis had become extremely dissatisfied with his job as a city planner for a private consulting firm. He felt he was being overworked and underpaid, but with the difficult employment picture he felt too scared to confront his employer for fear he'd be invited to leave. Instead, he began looking around secretly for another job and was in the process of negotiating a deal with a competitor that involved stealing a client from his present company.

Someone in the office found out what was going on and passed the word along to the president, who called Paul into his office and confronted him. Paul turned white and became nauseous as his boss read him a memo containing all of the details of the secret negotiations.

Because Paul had been unable to deal with his job frustrations and resentments openly and was afraid to assert himself and make his demands openly, he felt his only alternative was to go underground and look around secretly for something else. The paling after being caught was an indication of his guilt, but was also the result of

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the repressed frustration and anger that he had been unable to communicate originally. When he finally confronted his employer with these feelings, his strength and feelings of well-being returned.

The paling fear response may be unconsciously covering feelings of rage and outrage. You may wish to attack or respond forcefuUy but have been conditioned not to. It may in fact be inappropriate in most situations to respond with an attack. However, at the same time, the fear response is a self-destructive one that leaves one feeling pathetically helpless. To regain strength and overcome this upsetting feeling, try screaming, and stomping your feet, either privately or, if appropriate, in front of the stimulus. If this is not feasible, at least be aware that behind the paling is an enormous strength that is being sapped by the fear.

NAUSEA ANB VOMITING

Nausea and vomiting, though frequently caused by physiological reasons, may also be related to psychological causes. Within family environments, vomiting has been known to appear when there is an inescapable hostile relationship between the vomiter and the family group. For example, one place where such contacts are frequentiy inescapable is during mealtimes. The vomiting may appear superficially to be related to the food rather than the stressful experience of sitting and eating with individuals with whom the vomiter is in conflict.

In colloquial conversations people talk of somebody who is repulsive as making them "nauseous." Individuals who tend to experience nausea when physiological causes do not seem to be at the root should ask themselves if, in fact, they are caught within a hostile, intimate interrelationship from which they see no escape.

IMPOTENCE AND FRIGIDITY

Impotence and frigidity may both be forms of physiological withholding. Though basically equivalent responses, the inability to get an erection is usually more frightening to the average male than the failure to respond totally is to the female.

Most men have been conditioned to believe that mascu-

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Unity means one should be able to perform sexually upon command, day after day and year after year. This is being a "real" man. Consequently, the male who suddenly finds himself unable to get an erection, rather than listening to the message behind this body signal, tends to want to do something about it, like taking vitamins or going to a "shrink." He feels guilty and frightened.