Twenty

I took to half-sleeping more and more, so I could search for Katie in that between-space where the conscious mind slips into the deep waters of the great unconsciousness. I knew this term from a poetry teacher I had back in college. She believed that we as a species were all connected in this great underground sea of thought and dreams. It was this place where ideas were germinated and shared; how the same ideas could emerge in the world on different continents at the same time, even back before the creation of high-speed travel.

So I went diving into that metaphorical warm underground lake hoping to find a hint of Katie; another moment where her voice called out to me. It was frustrating at first, just hoping beyond hope that I’d find her in a fictional ocean where billions of other minds mingled and coalesced.

This went on for days. I stopped working, stopped doing much of anything really. I only ate when Julie and them forced me to. There were points where I know I was hallucinating, and Jai Li would wake me up. Eventually she started sleeping in Edith’s room. One morning she refused to hug me, told me she was scared. That almost did me in. Seeing the look on that little girl’s face was almost enough. But I loved Katie more, and I would sacrifice anything to get her back.

I even had a moment of guilt. I’d taken this child in, promised to be a mother to her, to raise her, keep her safe. But without Katie, with this unknown hanging over my head, I wasn’t good for anyone.

Melanie started talking about depression, and Julie told me if I didn’t get my shit together she was going to drag me to therapy if she had to hogtie me. Funny, I believed her. But I had to keep trying.

It was Edith who had the right of it in the end. She was cleaning the house, going through things, dusting and making order of the general chaos five of us had wreaked on the house since Jai Li and I had taken up residence. No one complained, but I could tell we were straining things to their limits. It was inevitable at some point. And I knew it wasn’t even Jai Li. It was me.

They were watching me, pacing me, conspiring against me. I wasn’t exactly paranoid or anything, but when you see people whispering, heads together, then they separate and dodge into different rooms when you show up, it makes you wonder.

Of course, it could also be I was losing my shit. Yeah, that was happening.

It was the middle of the afternoon and I was once again hiding in our room out at Circle Q. We’d had three days in a row of overcast, and I had blankets jury-rigged up over the windows to block out what weak light we were getting. I had the light out and was thinking, wandering in my mind with only the glow of Gram to cut the absolute blackness of the room. Apparently I had been singing something nonsensical loud enough to be heard in the hallway. I honestly have no idea what I was singing, something about apples and pain, I think. I’m pretty fuzzy on the details. As I said, I was searching for ideas, thinking about Katie and letting my mind wander where it wanted, listening to the roaring in my ears.

Edith slammed my door open and stood in the glare of the hallway light with her fists on her hips and a scowl on her face that would make a Navy Seal cringe and call his mama.

“You have to sleep,” she said, her voice stern.

I sat up and shielded my eyes, but couldn’t see her, not with the hallway light creating a penumbra, casting her features in shadow.

“Drink this,” she said, walking into the room and handing me a travel mug full of something warm.

I sniffed it. It smelled like milk with nutmeg and honey.

“No thanks,” I said, holding the cup out to her. “I’m not thirsty.”

She stepped back, her hands up to her shoulders. I couldn’t make out her features, but she came off as smug.

“Drink it anyway,” she said, leaning against the doorframe. “You need to sleep, or I will beat you into unconsciousness.”

My eyebrows darted upward, and I squinted at her.

“You’re kidding, right?”

Mary appeared at Edith’s elbow, both hands on the handle of a broom. “Drink it, Sarah. Just sleep for a little while. You’re driving us all crazy.”

“Where’s Jai Li?” I asked, sitting up straighter and laying Gram on the bed beside me.

“Julie’s taking her to Black Briar for a couple of days,” Mary said. “You drink that and you sleep, or so help me I will hold you down while Edith forces it down your throat.”

This was exactly the opposite of anything I could imagine coming from these two women. Mothering and caring were the first two words that came to mind. Protective and matronly. Thugs threatening a beating was not on my radar.

“Jesus,” I said, sitting up straighter. “I thought you people said I was sleeping too much.”

They looked at each other. Mary spoke first. “You haven’t slept for more than twenty minutes in the last four days. You’re scaring Jai Li. She says you’re losing your mind.”

“Bullshit,” I said, swinging my feet around to the side of the bed.

Edith stepped in and held a hand up. “What day is it?”

I smirked, looking between the two of them. “Thursday.”

Mary shook her head. “Try again.”

I looked at her, really took her in. There was a desperation there that finally got through to my brain. “Friday?”

“Sunday,” Edith said. “Drink this, or so help me god, you can leave here and never return.”

Mary shot a worried look to Edith, but didn’t object.

“Fine,” I said, sagging back. Maybe I was losing my shit after all.

I drank the milk in one long pull. It was sweet, and a little bitter. “How long will I sleep for?” I asked, handing over the mug and wiping my mouth.

“No more than a day,” Edith said, smiling. “Now be a good girl, lay back and close your eyes.”

I sighed again, they were so acting like lunatics. I did what they asked, however. Right before I slipped out of consciousness I noticed that Edith leaned over me and grabbed Gram by the hilt. She was wearing oven mitts.

What in the seven hells was that about?