Chapter 18The Hardest Decision

Ten minutes later, they were sitting in Dr. Preston’s office. Luna was clutching a photo from the ultrasound and staring at it, a smile on her face. Carrie looked at her, then at her mother.

“Luna, I know this is a hard conversation, especially right after your first ultrasound. But what are your plans for the baby?”

Luna was jolted away from the photo and back into reality. She glanced over at her mother, then back at Dr. Preston. She sighed.

“I’m not sure. I kind of tried to hide it until now, so . . . no. I haven’t made any definite plans yet.” She was embarrassed and wished she had a better answer for her.

“You’re not the first young mother we’ve had in here, Luna. You’re not even the first one we’ve seen today. But you’re almost in your third trimester. You’re lucky that you and your baby are both healthy but you can’t pretend he doesn’t exist anymore.” She was smiling kindly as she said this. “You need to sit down with your parents and talk. If you want to keep him, we can help you find resources for young mothers, and if you want to consider adoption, we can recommend an agency to help you find the right parents for him. I know this is hard. I know you must feel pulled in a million different directions. I know you’re confused. But time is running out.” She handed her a pile of pamphlets and brochures. “Take a look at these. Go through them with your family. And talk. Sit down and start talking about your options.”

Luna nodded and took the brochures from her.

“Thanks,” she said. “We’ll look at them.” She glanced at her mother, who nodded back.

“Great. Then I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.” Carrie shook hands with them and showed them back into the waiting room.

They walked out together. Quiet. Thoughtful. Luna’s head was full of the experience of seeing her baby and hearing his heartbeat. It was finally hitting her that, in three short months, he was going to be here. And she had no clue what she was going to do, but she secretly suspected, deep in her heart, that she wasn’t ready to be a mother.

“Luna?” Her mother broke into her reverie.

“Yeah?”

Her mother reached into her bag and handed her an envelope.

“This came for you today.”

Luna took it, glancing down at the return address and the logo boldly stamped on it. She looked up at her mom.

“It’s from McGill University!”

Her mother nodded.

“I know.”

Luna tore the envelope open and quickly scanned the letter. She handed it to her mother, her eyes filling with tears.

“I got in!”

***

Luna spent that night reading the brochures that the doctor had given her, googling adoption and teen mothers, reading statistics and message boards, and leafing through the materials that McGill had sent. The more she read, the more she realized that, although she loved this baby already, she didn’t really believe that she was ready to raise him. If she was being completely honest with herself, she knew that she had no way to provide the kind of life that she wanted for him. In the back of her mind, she had known it all along.

Sleep didn’t come easily that night and Luna went down to the kitchen in the morning with dark circles under her eyes, her hair tangled around her face. Her mother looked up from the stove where she was scrambling eggs.

“Are you okay?”

Luna grunted in response and sat down at the table. Her father eyed her cautiously. He opened his mouth and closed it again. Normally a man of few words, he was even less talkative in the morning.

“Didn’t you sleep, honey?” her mother asked.

“Not really.” She yawned hugely.

Issy walked into the kitchen, already dressed and ready to go. She did a double take at Luna as she grabbed a box of cereal out of the cupboard.

“Whoa! You look awful.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“Sorry.”

Issy held up the cereal to her, raising her eyebrows. Luna nodded and Issy poured her a bowl.

“You were up looking at those brochures and stuff.” It was a comment, not a question.

Luna nodded. Her sister exchanged glances with their mother.

Her mother sat across from her and took her hand. “Have you made any decisions? Or maybe you have some questions?”

“I just . . . I don’t feel like I can raise him myself. But if someone else raises him, they’ll be sharing their culture with him. He’ll never know his own heritage. He won’t know where he comes from or our history.”

Her eyes filled with tears as her mother came around the table to give her a hug.

“I know, Luna. I’ve thought of that too. But that’s the sacrifice you’d be making. He won’t be raised in our culture . . . but if he wants to learn about it someday, he will.”

Luna nodded slowly.

“I think I already knew what I was going to do.”

Issy looked surprised.

“You do?”

“Yeah. I’m going to call the adoption agency that the doctor recommended.”

Her mother nodded as Issy glanced up.

“What? Why?” Issy asked.

“Because I can’t give him the life he deserves! I’m seventeen! I want to get an education and be able to provide for a family someday.”

“We could help you! I told you that!” Issy’s face was bright red. “Right, Mom?”

She stared hard at their mother, who took a drink of her coffee before answering.

“Yes. Of course. If you want to keep the baby, we’ll help you. We’d find a way.”

“How, Mom? You and Dad are never here and we’re already tight on money.”

“I could quit school.” Issy and Luna exchanged shocked looks. “Just for now. Until he’s older. And Dad could work something out. Maybe just work nights?”

He nodded.

Luna leaned over and hugged her mother.

“No. It’s one thing for me to make sacrifices. But I’m not asking you to give up your dreams too. You either, Issy. Mom is going to be a nurse. Dad’s shop is going to be a huge success. You’re going to be a fashion designer. And . . . I think I want to take Women’s Studies and Native Studies. I was thinking maybe I could work with other Aboriginal girls. Rape victims or young mothers . . . I haven’t figured it out yet. But this baby deserves a better life than I can give him. I don’t have a job and there’s no way I could make more than minimum wage. I’m still a kid myself. I don’t think that emotionally I’m ready to be a mom.”

She looked around the table as she said this. Her mother and Issy were nodding but her father was looking at the floor.

“Dad?” He looked up at her, his eyes wet. “Dad! What’s wrong?” Luna wanted to cry.

He tried to smile.

“I respect your decision. But . . . I can’t help but wonder if that baby is going to grow up thinking he wasn’t loved? I know you’re only seventeen, Luna. I believe that you’re making the right decision for yourself and that you’re trying to put this baby first. I know you’re worried he won’t learn about his culture, but I can’t stand the idea that he’d think you didn’t want him. That we didn’t want him.”

Tears slid down Luna’s face as she listened to her father say more to her than he had in months. She pushed her chair back from the table and went to her father. She hugged him hard.

“I’m so sorry, Daddy. I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want the baby to think we don’t love him but he deserves a better life than I can give him. And better parents than I can be.”

Her father wiped his eyes, then brushed at a tear on Luna’s face.

“I know. I’m proud of you. I don’t know if I could have made that decision. You’ll be a great mother someday, Luna. When you’re ready.”