“I am the scum you scrape out of the shower.”

“That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?” Melanie says as she pulls the bag of popcorn out of the microwave.

“No, it’s a fitting description,” I reply. “For years I’ve accused Crystal of being a two-faced liar. And now, the first time I’m alone with a boy, I do the same thing. I lie right to his face. I’m no better than she is.”

Mel brings the popcorn over to the couch and plops it down between us. “I think you’re making way too much of this. After all, you were almost a mermaid. So you almost told the truth.”

It’s Wednesday, which means Becca has family night and Mel and I have junk food on the couch night. We usually watch Smallville for our weekly Tom Welling fix and American Idol for our weekly “Oh, thank God there’s someone more pathetic than me” fix.

Right now, Simon is attacking some poor girl who has screeched her way through “Milkshake.” He calls her a worthless piece of garbage, and I can’t help but think he’s describing me. (Mel was right: I am way dramatic.)

I’m in such a funk that I don’t even laugh when he says he may never be able to drink a milkshake again.

Melanie looks over at me. “Would you just get over yourself? You were in a bad mood all through Smallville, and it was an episode where he took off his shirt three times. Now you’re going to be in a bad mood all through Idol?”

“I just can’t believe I did something so stupid,” I say.

“Welcome to Girl Land. We all do stupid things because of guys. It’s normal behavior.”

“Really?”

“Definitely,” she says.

I think about this for a moment and turn to her. “Then tell me something stupid you’ve done because of a guy.”

“No way,” she shoots back. “I’m trying to watch Idol.”

“If you do, then I’ll know it’s true,” I answer. “But if you don’t, then I’ll think it’s because you haven’t ever done something stupid because of a guy.”

She rolls her eyes. “This is what you want? Me to humiliate myself for your entertainment?”

“It’s not what I want. It’s what I need.”

She takes a slow sip of her Diet Dr Pepper. “Okay. But you have to promise not to tell anybody—including Becca.”

Uh-oh, this must be good. I try not to look too excited, so I lean back in the couch.

“I promise.”

She closes her eyes, and I can tell she’s still debating whether to tell me.

“Do you remember the field trip that the Spanish Club took to Disney World in the seventh grade?”

Seventh grade?

“Vaguely,” I say.

“Well, that was the year I first had a crush on Kevin Cavanaugh.”

I can’t help but comment. “You mean the same Kevin Cavanaugh you still have a crush on, even though he can’t spell ‘sexy?’”

“That’s the one. Well, I kind of stalked him on the field trip and we ended up riding the Pirates of the Caribbean together. About halfway through, something happened and the ride stopped for a few minutes. So we were just stuck there, with nothing to do. We certainly didn’t have anything to talk about. So we started kissing.”

I can’t believe it. I have never heard any of this before. “You slut! How could you not tell me that you made out with Kevin Cavanaugh on the Pirates of the Caribbean?”

“We didn’t make out,” she answers. “We just kissed a little. Nothing too big … but it was my first kiss. Anyway, on the bus ride home, he gave me a Mickey Mouse lollipop. I don’t know why, but he did.”

“Maybe he thought you had bad breath,” I add.

She gives me a look. “Do you want me to tell the story or not?”

“Sorry. I’ll be quiet.”

“Because it was a Spanish Club trip he called it el lollipop del amor—‘the lollipop of love.’ He thought that was really smooth.”

Now I start to laugh hysterically. In fact, I laugh so hard that it takes a few moments for me to catch my breath. “That’s good and all, but I asked you to tell me something stupid that you did for a guy—not something stupid that a guy did for you.”

“I’m not done,” she says curtly.

Suddenly, I realize where she’s going. “Oh, my God! You still have the lollipop!”

She takes another hit of Diet Dr Pepper. “It’s in the bottom drawer of my jewelry box.”

I rush into her room. There, underneath a pearl necklace and a pair of hoop earrings, I find an old, cracked, pathetic, and completely adorable Mickey Mouse lollipop. I bring it back into the family room and dangle it in front of her.

“I can’t believe you’ve saved this since the seventh grade.”

She snaps it out of my hand and carefully sets it on the table. “Like I said, we all do stupid and irrational things because of guys. So, are you satisfied?”

I consider her story for a moment. “No. I’m not.”

She can’t believe it. “Why not?”

“I won’t be satisfied until you do something about Kevin. The fact that you’ve kept this proves that you like him. You’ve got me out there in a bikini giving swim lessons. I want you to put a little effort into Kevin.”

For the first time, there’s a crack in her armor. “Like what?” she asks.

“You could call him,” I say, holding up my cell phone. “I’m sure you know the number.”

Melanie shakes her head. “What would I say? ‘Remember that lollipop you gave me in seventh grade? Guess what.’”

“Okay, probably not that. But you could invite him over to watch Pirates of the Caribbean.”

“Cute. Very cute.”

“Then don’t call him. Just do something.” I try to come up with an idea. “What if he’s at Michelle’s party this week?”

This catches her interest. “Yeah?”

“You could … talk to him?”

She thinks this over for a moment. “I could do that.”

“Maybe you could even … dance with him.”

“You know I can’t dance.”

I crack a smile. “I even know the perfect song.” I do my best LL Cool J impression.

“Lolli-lolli-pop-pop bopping down the block-block
I’ve been loving you since Junior High School…”

She slams me in the head with a pillow. “I can’t believe you just sang that,” she says.

“Or how about this one? ‘Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.’”

“Now you’ve gone too far,” she says. “You, you … mermaid liar!”

“Candy keeper!”

Just as we’re each trying to keep a straight face and stare each other down, something catches our attention. On the TV some Josh Groban wannabe is absolutely butchering “You Raise Me Up.” It is so terrible that we can’t take our eyes off of it.

Suddenly it dawns on me why the show is so popular. Melanie is right, we all do stupid, incredibly embarrassing stuff. When we see other people do the same, it comforts us to know that we’re not alone.