I used to think that my life was a conspiracy. That everyone in the world was working against me. It’s funny, but it’s easier to think that your problems are caused by 4 billion people you don’t know than it is to admit that they’re your own doing. You make them. You can solve them. It took my pretending to be somebody else to figure out who I really am.
Realizing this is coming in handy as I try to adjust to life as a senior. I have one more year before I’ll leave for college. I hope I’ll have it all figured out by then.
Right now, though, I’m not trying to figure out anything. I’m just sitting back and enjoying the first football game of the year. From my seat here on the top row of Bobcat Stadium, I can see most everything that’s important to me.
My dad is sitting beyond the end zone in the back of an ambulance. He’s there in case anybody gets hurt, and I’m certain he’s passing the time by telling his partner bad jokes or trying to convince him how some Lindsay Lohan movie holds the secrets to understanding the universe.
Mom is working in the concession booth with the rest of the English department. She carries herself so well that she even makes working the cotton candy machine seem classy.
Crystal was elected captain of the cheerleading squad. (Big shocker there.) Just as she will certainly be elected Homecoming Princess and Prom Queen. She’s still my nemesis, and I still don’t like her. But she smiles more and backstabs less. Sometimes, she even has lunch alone with Melanie, which means there really is a person beneath all that plastic surgery.
Melanie’s sitting right next to me shouting her head off and wearing a letterman’s jacket. It’s Kevin Cavanaugh’s. He may not know how to spell “sexy,” but at least he was smart enough to ask Mel to tutor him for the SAT. Two weeks later, they became a couple and picked up where they left off at the Pirates of the Caribbean so many years ago.
Normally, Becca would sit with us and dish about the cheerleaders and how hideous their uniforms are. But, now, she’s actually on the field. Apparently her time in the Eager Beaver costume made quite an impression. She’s now dressed in the furry costume of Crazy Cat—mascot for the Ruby Beach Bobcats. This way she can show the school spirit that she’s always secretly had and she can still maintain her cool, aloof persona. (I swear to god, I overheard a senior say, “Is it me or is Crazy Cat kind of hot?”)
I can’t see Alex, but I am wearing the USC sweatshirt he gave me. He e-mails a lot and has even called a couple times. He will always be someone really special to me. He’ll always be the first guy I ever fell in love with. And, even though there was a lot of embarrassment, that will always be great.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t left Florida. I don’t know if we would have stayed together, but in my heart, I don’t think so. I think it lasted the right amount of time. For a long-term relationship, I think you need to be more comfortable. More at ease.
Which is exactly how I feel with Grayson. Right now, my eyes are glued to number 14 on the other side of the field. He’s the kicker for the Fletcher Senators, but I knew him first as a dancing platypus.
He’s also my boyfriend.
It’s not going to be easy. He’s at a different school and our lives are spread apart, but that night in the mermaid lagoon was only the beginning. So far, it’s been great. He’s sweet and funny and sexy, and even mushy. Sometimes he even manages to sneak love notes into my locker at school. (I suspect Melanie is his accomplice, but neither one is talking.)
Where’s it heading? How serious will it get?
Those are good questions.
I think back to that party and when he told us that guys are much more willing to accept “I don’t know” as an answer.
Maybe they’re onto something. Because I don’t know the answers.