March

Learn to Say Whatever

March 1
Learn to say whatever

“Do you have issues with drama addiction?” I asked my daughter one day, in a serious, interviewer kind of voice.

“Of course I do,” she said. “I’m the original drama queen.”

“Can I interview you about it?” I asked.

There was a long pause on the phone. “I’ve got a better suggestion,” she said. “Why don’t you interview yourself?”

I’ve been addicted to many things this lifetime—alcohol, heroin, morphine, Dilaudid, cocaine, barbiturates, Valium, and any other substance that physically or psychologically promised to change the way I feel. I’ve been addicted to caffeine, tobacco and nicotine—cigarettes and Cuban cigars—and opium and hashish, too. I’ve been caught up in other people’s addictions to these substances as well. Some people might say I have an addictive personality. I don’t know if I agree with the concept that we can become addicted to people, but if the folks that say you can are right, I’ve probably been addicted to certain of those, too.

But of all the addictions possible on this planet, I’ve found my addiction to drama absolutely the hardest to recognize, accept, deal with, and overcome. The rush of emotional energy I feel from drama at the theater, on television (small or big screen), in a book, and most preferably acted out in real life (mine) is the last legal, legitimate jones that society allows.

It’s not politically correct to smoke, act out sexually, be a nonrecovering alcoholic, or shoot drugs. But despite all the evolution in consciousness that’s unfolded and gotten us to this point, drama addiction is more than politically correct.

Drama addiction is in. Right now, for many people, it’s one of the only things giving meaning to life.

Potential guests line up, volunteering to have their relationship and court battles—things which once were guarded secrets—broadcast on international cable and satellite TV. Our society can’t wait to peek and snoop into their lives. Broadcasting real-life soap operas guarantees the ratings will soar.

In 1999, I wrote the above words in a chapter on drama addiction in my book called Playing It by Heart. But the concept of drama addiction, and transcending it, has been around for a long, long time.

In 1937, author Emmet Fox wrote an essay in Find and Use Your Inner Power. The essay’s title was “Don’t Be a Tragedy Queen.”

“Self pity, by making us feel sorry for ourselves, seems to provide an escape from responsibility, but it is a fatal drug nevertheless,” he wrote. “It confuses the feelings, blinds the reason, and puts us at the mercy of outer conditions…. Don’t be a tragedy queen—whether you are a man or a woman, for it is not a question of gender but of mental outlook. Absolutely repudiate a crown of martyrdom. If you cannot laugh at yourself (which is the best medicine of all), at least try to handle the difficulty in an objective way, as though it concerned somebody else.”

Maybe the antithesis to being a drama king or queen has been around even longer than that.

Three tiny Buddha statues sit before me on my writing desk. One is Serene. One is Smiling. One is Sorrowful, doubled over in compassion for the world. All you can see is the top of his head.

“The Kingdom of Heaven is within you,” Jesus said.

“Nirvana is a state of consciousness,” wrote Anne Bancroft, in an introduction to the Dhammapada, a book containing the teachings of Buddha.

Enlightenment and paradise aren’t places we visit. They’re within our hearts and heads.

Say, “It’s a nightmare,” if you must. Even say, “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening, much less happening to me.” But whether you say the words with calmness and serenity, bursting with laughter or a mere giggle, or doubled over with compassion for the pain of the world, learning
to speak the language of letting go in the days, months,
and years of the millennium ahead means learning to say whatever, too.

God, help me let go of my need to create drama to have a life.

March 2
Don’t stir the emotional pot

“My bill collector called today,” a friend said to me one day. “I love it when she calls. Every time she does, we have a good fight. She tells me that I owe her company money. Then I say I know. She tells me that my balance is due. I tell her I know that, too. Then she asks why I haven’t sent a payment. I tell her that the reason I didn’t send a payment is because I told her last month I could send only twenty dollars a month and she said not to send it, because that wasn’t enough. That’s when the screaming starts. Then she yells at me to get a job. I scream back that I’m trying and she ought to get a better job herself. Then we both slam down the phone and don’t talk to each other until she calls again next month.”

Some of us intentionally stir up drama to release emotions, get the pot brewing, and add a little energy to our lives. Sometimes we can cause trouble in areas where we’d be better off without it. Turning our home into a battleground doesn’t leave us a good place to live.

Sometimes when we’re stressed, we just like to get those emotions out. And what better way to get them out than by engaging in a good, old-fashioned fight. Just make sure you’re not making an enemy out of someone whom you’d rather have as a friend. And check to see that you’re not taking your stress out on an innocent bystander, a lover, family member, or friend.

God, help me let go of my need for dysfunctional drama in my life. Help me make sure I’m not taking my stress out on the people I love. If I am, show me another way to release my emotions.

March 3
Don’t take storms personally

Somewhere out in the Pacific, a storm brewed and swirled and thrashed and died without ever touching the land. Three days later, under a clear blue sky, the storm surge reached the California coast near Los Angeles. The sea threw rocks at my house, and the waves stacked up and crashed down against the pilings of the foundation. Farther up the street, the ocean ate the back porch of two houses. All night the shoreline trembled and shook from the power of the sea.

The next morning the tide pulled back, the swells calmed, and the sky stayed blue. I walked down the beach, impressed at the way the ocean had littered it with huge chunks of driftwood and rocks. Then I walked back upstairs and drank my morning coffee.

Sometimes, storms aren’t about us.

Sometimes, friends or loved ones will attack us for no apparent reason. They’ll fuss, fume, and snap at us. When we ask them why, they’ll say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I had a bad day at work.”

But we still feel hurt and upset.

Hold people accountable for their behavior. Don’t let people treat you badly. But don’t take the storms in their lives personally. These storms may have nothing to do with you.

Seek shelter if necessary. Get away from curt friends until they have time to calm down; then approach when it’s safe. If the storm isn’t about you, there’s nothing you need to do. Would you try to stop the ocean waves by standing in the surf with your arms outstretched?

Say whatever. Let the storms blow through.

God, help me not to take the storms in the lives of my friends and loved ones too personally.

March 4
Allow for differences

He’s rational. He wants examples of the problem and wants to focus on and find a solution.

She wants to talk about how she feels.

He wants to sit in front of the television and click the remote control.

She wants to cuddle on the couch and look into his eyes.

He deals with his stress by playing basketball with his friends, tinkering with the car, or going for a hike.

She wants to go to a movie, preferably one that makes her cry.

I spent much of my life thinking that men and women—and generally all people—should just be the same. It took me a long time to realize that while we have much in common with other people, we’re each unique.

It took me even longer to realize that the practical application of this meant I had to learn to allow for differences between the people I loved and myself.

Just because we have something in common with someone, and might even think we’re in love, doesn’t mean that each person is going to respond and be the same.

So often in our relationships, we try to get the other person to behave the way we want. This forcing of our will on them will ultimately become a great strain. It can also block love. When we’re trying to change someone else, we overlook his or her gifts. We don’t value the parts of the person that are different from us, because we’re too busy trying to change the person into someone else.

Allow for differences, but don’t just allow. Appreciate the differences. Value what each person has to offer and the gifts each person can bring.

Learn to say whatever, with a spark of amusement and curiosity, when someone isn’t the same as you. Try getting a kick out of the unique way each person approaches life.

God, help me understand the rich gifts that letting go of control will bring to my life.

Activity: This activity is designed to help you allow for and appreciate the differences between you and someone important in your life. That important someone might be a child, a spouse, a best friend, a colleague, or a parent. The purpose of this activity is to promote awareness. Make a list in your journal. Put your name on top of it. Next to your name, put the other person’s name. Now, list what’s different and what’s the same about you and the other person. Maybe some of the things that are different are attributes you’d like to attain for yourself. Maybe not—maybe the differences are simply that—different ways of coping with and responding to life. Maybe your ideals and behaviors are truly incompatible and being around this person just isn’t acceptable for you. At the least, this list should give you some ideas for areas where you could practice letting go.

March 5
Don’t let anger run your life

Cheryl’s husband was a tyrant. His anger controlled most of her moves. He didn’t get angry often, but when he did, he exploded in a rage. He broke things; he carried on. His rage terrified her.

“I’ve never done well with anger,” Cheryl said, “either my own, or someone else’s. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells, trying not to annoy my dad. Then I married a man whom I allowed to completely control me by the mere threat of his rage.”

Whether we call them rageaholics, tyrants, or bullies, a lot of people in our world get their way by being mean. We may find ourselves instinctively walking on eggshells around these people, praying to God we don’t set them off.

Anger is a powerful emotion. But we don’t have to let anybody else’s rage take control of our lives. If somebody you know or love is a bully or a tyrant, don’t take it on yourself. Stop walking on eggshells and letting their rage control your every step. Instead of taking on their problem, try something different. Give their problem with being a bully back to them.

How do you deal with anger? Does somebody in your life use anger as a way of controlling you? It may be time to let go of your fear of setting off people.

If you are in a dangerous situation, then by all means, get out. If you are just allowing yourself to be controlled by the fear of an emotional outburst, then learn to say whatever when someone spouts off.

God, please don’t let anyone’s anger, including my own, be the master of my life.

March 6
Neutralize conflicts

Unless you want a fight or an argument, don’t give people anything to push against.

Here is a key to harmonizing with people who are upset or have a point of view different from your own. Stay so relaxed when you talk to them that you allow yourself to empathize with how they think and feel. That doesn’t mean that you give in to people’s every whim. It means, instead, that you are so clear and focused that you can genuinely let other people be who they are, too.

It’s both naïve and egotistical to think that everyone thinks and feels the same as us. It’s ridiculous to believe that everyone will agree with our point of view. One of the true signs of a person who is growing in consciousness is that he or she recognizes that each person has individual motives, desires, and feelings.

“Instead of meeting a verbal attack with a verbal counterattack you respond first by coming around to your attacker’s point of view, seeing the situation from his or her viewpoint,” wrote George Leonard in the Way of Aikido.

He was talking about using a concept called “blending” to deal with verbal confrontations in our daily lives. “The response, whether physical or verbal, is quite disarming, leaving the attacker with no target to focus on. It’s a means by which you can multiply your options in responding to any kind of attack.”

If the person espousing his or her point of view is just trying to get us to react or has no desire for reconciliation, we can still neutralize the conflict by staying relaxed, letting the other person be, and responding by saying, “hmmmm.” It’s a polite way of saying whatever, when expressing your disagreement would only lead to a senseless fight. At the least, you’ll become a great conversationalist, a respectable art to be acquired. At best, you’ll bring about world peace, at least in your corner of the world.

God, help me be so clear on who I am that I can generously afford to let other people be who they are, too. Help me to set aside my defensive behavior, and teach me to blend with other people and see their point of view while not relinquishing my own.

March 7
Recognize manipulations

Herein lies an irony: the person who is trying to manipulate you views you as having greater strength or power than he or she does.

— George H. Green and Carolyn Cotter,
Stop Being Manipulated

George Green and Carolyn Cotter describe manipulation as an encounter in which someone else attempts to control how you feel, behave, or think—without your permission—and it causes you discomfort as a result.

Most of us use manipulation, from time to time, to get what we want. Sometimes our manipulations are harmless, even cute. Both people know a low-grade manipulation is at hand. Both people basically want what the manipulator is working so hard to get—dinner out, a movie, a walk through the park. It’s not a big deal.

Other times, the stakes are higher and the people involved don’t agree. That’s when manipulations can be harmful. When we don’t know what we want, when we’re not clear with others and ourselves about how we feel, a manipulation is in the air.

Sometimes manipulations are conscious and deliberate. Other times, they’re unconscious, foggy attempts to get what we want.

“Let’s simplify our definition of manipulation,” suggest Green and Cotter. “If an encounter leaves you feeling crummy, it probably involves manipulation of some sort.”

Isn’t it ironic that sometimes the very feeling we’re trying to deny is exactly what we need to be feeling to take care of ourselves?

Next time you’re faced with a situation that leaves you feeling crummy, take a moment to see if a manipulation was involved. Remember that whenever others try to manipulate you, they perceive you as having something they want and as being more powerful than they are. If you’re powerful enough to be a target for a manipulation, you’re powerful enough to take care of yourself.

God, help me let go of my belief that I need to manipulate other people to get what I want. Help me stop letting others manipulate me.

March 8
Learn to deal with manipulations

Even if you understand and follow all of the rules for more effectively engaging manipulators, life with them is not likely to be easy.

— George K. Simon Jr.

Sometimes they want something. Sometimes they want someone. Sometimes they want someone to give them something or to feel a particular way. They want power, in some way, shape, or form. Manipulators prey on our weak spots.

Obsession and guilt are weapons.

Manipulators get us to use these weapons on ourselves.

Sometimes we can disengage from manipulators—walk away, set a clear limit, be done with them. Other times, it’s not that easy. We may be at least temporarily stuck with a boss or authority figure who indulges in heavy manipulation. One of our children may be going through a relentlessly manipulative period. We may have a parent whom we care about deeply who has adapted manipulation as a way of life.

Learn how to effectively deal with manipulators. Not everyone means what they say. People fling words about to hit our guilty, vain, or frightened spots. Recognize that tinge of guilt or coercion you feel when other people are trying to force you to do it their way. Learn to recognize when others are telling you what they believe you want to hear. Learn to not react, stay clear, practice nonresistance, and stay true to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself, if you have a manipulator in your life. You’re not responsible for the other person’s attempts at manipulation. You’re responsible for staying clear.

God, help me let go of the weak spots in myself that allow me to fall prey to manipulations. Help me stay clear of guilt and obsession so I can decide what’s best for me.

March 9
Know your limits

While it’s good to be compassionate, we can become overly compassionate, too. Don’t work so hard at not judging other people that you forget to pay attention to what you don’t like.

“I know what it feels like to be abandoned and left. I don’t like the feeling, so I’m not going to leave my boyfriend,” Clara says. She’s living with a man who abuses her, emotionally and physically.

“I’m not going to judge her,” Ralph says about his new wife. She’s using cocaine and stealing money from him to get high. “She’s had a hard life, and I haven’t walked in her shoes.”

“I need to be compassionate and nonjudgmental with my son,” Robert says about a child who’s driving him to distraction with his manipulations and lies. “He’s had a hard life. His mother died when he was three. And I’m the only person he’s got left.”

You can set boundaries with someone, without judging that person. You can decide that behaviors are inappropriate and hurt you, without condemning that person.

Don’t forget, you have a right to say “ouch.”

We can say whatever with compassion and still take care of ourselves.

God, help me set appropriate limits with the people in my life.

March 10
Let it be

Life is a series of letting go’s—an “infinite” series of letting go’s. All things in life are given us on loan. Stand face-to-face with life, learn to let go, and whatever comes our way—success or failure, joy or sorrow, support or betrayal, light or darkness—it all blesses us. Once we have learned to let go, we are prepared for whatever life gives us. And death itself is nothing to be feared.

— Matthew Fox

For many years, I resisted the concept of letting go. I resisted mostly because I didn’t understand what people were talking about. I’d be loudly obsessing about something. “Just let go,” they’d say. “Okay,” I’d say. Then I’d walk away and wonder what they meant, and mostly how to do it. Soon, I caught on. If I didn’t want people harping at me about letting go, I needed to obsess silently. Privately. Or at least in the presence of someone who wouldn’t lecture me about letting go.

As the years wore on, I was forced into letting go. Eventually I even wrote a book called The Language of Letting Go. I thought it was the end of my need to practice letting go.

When my son died, I learned that writing the book was only a prelude, an introductory course, in letting go. Over the years that followed, I gradually began to learn a new respect for this behavior called letting go.

Letting go is a behavior we can practice each day, whatever the circumstances in our lives. It’s a behavior that benefits relationships we want to work. It’s a helpful behavior in insane relationships, too. It’s a useful tool to use when we really want to bring something or someone into our lives, and in accomplishing our goals. It’s a helpful tool to use on outdated behaviors such as low self-esteem and manipulation.

Letting go takes the emotional charge, the drama, out of things and restores us to a sense of balance, peace, and spiritual power.

Letting go works well on the past and the future. It brings us into today.

Paraphrasing the mystic writer Matthew Fox, everything that comes, comes to pass. Demystify letting go. It’s not as complicated as it sounds. Learning the art of letting go really means learning to calmly let things be.

God, help me learn to let go.

March 11
Things happen

A healthy friend dies participating in a sport she loves. A husband works hard on his marriage only to come home one day and find his wife in bed with another man.

A knock at the door, and a starving family opens it to find bags of groceries piled anonymously on the porch. A large order comes in just as a company is getting ready to close its doors, and the owner’s dream is given new life.

Sometimes life twists. Sometimes it goes the other way, too. Things happen. Sometimes we label these events good, sometimes bad. We cannot always see the reason or purpose in them, but most of us choose to believe there’s a Divine plan.

I don’t know why I’ve received some of the blessings I’ve been given; I don’t know why some of the sorrow has come my way. All I can do is trust that whatever comes my way, there’s a lesson at hand.

Are you focusing on the circumstances of your life instead of the lessons? The circumstances are the tools. Be involved in them. Feel the pain of loss and the elation of victory. Let compassion works its way into your soul. Learn caring and kindness for others and yourself, too.

Instead of asking why, learn to ask what the lesson is. The moment you become ready to accept it, the lesson will become clear.

God, help me accept all the twists and turns along my path. Help me learn to say whatever to the good and the unfortunate incidents that come my way.

March 12
Don’t cut yourself on your gifts

Mishaps are like knives, that either serve us or cut us, as we grasp them by the blade or by the handle.

— James Russell Lowell

Success rains down for no apparent reason. Tragedy strikes like a freight train. We’re left to deal with the results. We can allow our egos to swell over our sudden good fortune, or we can humbly accept the fruit of our labor and continue to better ourselves. We can lie down and give up after a tragedy, or we can grieve, get up, and begin taking steps to move on with our lives.

Look at the situations in your life. Have you been given success? Are you learning the lessons of loss? Perhaps yours is the gift of the ordinary. Don’t walk too boastfully through your successes, nor remain too long in your grief. And don’t sleep through an ordinary life. You’ll lose your sense of wonder and awe, and when it ends, you won’t know where you’ve been.

We cannot always control what will happen to us. We need to let go of any false thoughts that we can. We can choose how we’ll handle the situation just like we choose how we’ll pick up a knife—by grabbing the handle or the blade.

Watch out for the cutting edge.

What you do with what you have been given is important.

God, thank you for what I’ve been given.

March 13
Say whatever when it’s out of your hands

We cannot control everything that happens to us. But we can control our response to those things. We cannot control the feelings of others—their fear, their power trips, their issues. All that we can choose is how we want to respond.

Maybe you have been wronged. Maybe you have had a dream taken from you due to the actions of another. What are you going to do about it? You can give up and give in, or you can make the best of the situation, move on if you can, or make a life where you are.

Say whatever.

Learn to live and let live.

You can start over, again and again, if necessary.

God, give me strength to stand up when the actions or thoughts of others drag me down. Help me practice right thought and right action. Help me walk the path that is set before me, no matter what it may bring.

March 14
Learn something new about yourself

Wildfires scorch large chunks of the western United States every summer. It’s part of the natural cycle of things. After a while, nature decides that it’s time to start over and a patch of the woods goes up in smoke.

This year, one fire burned near Mesa Verde National Park in southwestern Colorado. I read the news wires with interest, hoping that the archeological sites there wouldn’t be destroyed. The crews worked on the fires, and though there was damage in the area, the main ruins were left unharmed. While the fires had burned thousands of acres around the park, they had also done something else—they had burned away the undergrowth that had sprung up around twelve previously undiscovered sites.

Sometimes life sends fires raging through our lives, too. Those fires are also part of the natural cycle of things. Life, nature, or our Higher Power says it’s time to start over, again.

Use misfortune as an opportunity. Who knows? That fire rampaging through your life just might clear away the brush of the past. Keep your heart open and stay aware. You might learn something new and previously undiscovered about yourself.

God, help me stay alert to the lessons of today.

March 15
Let go of the controls

“You have the controls,” my flight instructor says. “No, you have the controls,” I say back. “No I don’t,” he says. “You do.”

My banter with my flight instructor can be amusing at times. It’s not so funny when we fight about issues of power and control in our lives. And usually it goes the other way. We don’t want to give the controls to someone else; we want those reins ourselves.

We want to get our way. And we get upset when things don’t work out. Sometimes, after we’ve been working on ourselves and our control issues for a while, we begin to get complacent. Because we’ve been so effectively using and directing our power, we rarely get in battles we can’t win. Things work out smoothly. We mostly get our way, because we’re not trying to control what we can’t. That’s when it’s easy to think we’re more powerful than we are.

Are you engaged in a power struggle with someone or something you can’t change? Spend a moment thinking about it. Is that really the way you want to use your energy and power, trying to do the impossible, creating rifts, and fighting battles you can’t win? When we try to control someone else or events beyond the scope of our power, we lose.

When we learn to discern the difference between what we can change and what we can’t, we usually have an easier time expressing our power in our lives. Because we’re not wasting all our energy using our power to change things we can’t, we have a lot of energy left over to live our lives.

Learn to say whatever when you don’t get what you want. Learn to let things be the way they are.

God, help me to let go of my need to control and to be open to the flow of the universe.

March 16
Don’t be a backseat driver

I was walking through a toy store one day when I saw a little toy steering wheel attached to the tray of a stroller. The child could play with the wheel and pretend that he or she was controlling the direction of the cart. The steering wheel wasn’t attached to anything; someone else was behind the stroller, pushing it here or there. The child could steer all he or she wanted to, but if Mom was going to the hardware department, then the child was going there, too.

What a good lesson to teach children at such an early age: no matter where you steer, something bigger than you is going to push you wherever it wants.

We soon outgrow the stroller and then burst into adulthood. First we learn to drive—finally a wheel that does something! Now we’ve got real freedom! But the car needs gas, we have a curfew, and there are speed limits and driving laws. Or we graduate from school and move into the real world. Finally no more parents controlling our every move. But then there is rent, and the boss, and the roommates, or a spouse and children to consider.

No matter how much we grow, where we go, or how old we get, there is someone else above, someone bigger, pushing us in this direction or that. Sorry, no new car this year; you’ve got a different lesson to learn.

We can want things, pray for things, and hope that things will come to pass. But ultimately, we’re not in control. Instead of spending our time and energy trying to get someplace else, we can learn the lesson and enjoy the beauty of the life we’ve been given.

God, help me realize that while I am not in control of everything that happens in my life, I can choose how I’ll respond.

March 17
Don’t avoid the void

I was sitting at dinner with a group of friends in a restaurant one evening. Everyone but one person was done eating. Feet were shuffling under the table. We were ready to go. One member of the group, an older woman, was picking at her meal. She had ordered dessert, but hadn’t eaten it yet. Instead, she slowly sipped her coffee.

“I don’t eat my dessert until I’ve finished coffee,” she said, when the waiter asked if he could take her plate.

All eyes at the table watched as she took a tiny sip, placed the cup down, and chattered, telling stories and jokes, making meaningless conversation. We watched eagerly as she started to pick her fork up to take a bite of dessert, then sighed quietly as she changed her mind, set the fork down, and began to tell another story.

She was alone, widowed, and her children lived in another state. It was obvious that she was trying to stretch dinner out with her friends as long as she could. She was trying to fill up that empty, silent place we call the void.

There’s a lot of talk in life and in this book about doing, achieving, and going for what we want. There’s much spurring on to activity that shouts, “Yes, I’m alive. And I’m fully and richly living my life the best I can.”

In all this busyness and living, there needs to be mindfulness and careful attention paid to another part of life, too. That part is the repetitive and natural cycle that some people call “the void.”

It’s an empty space in our lives.

The void can be a small space in our lives—lasting a few days or weeks. Or it can go on longer. That relationship has ended. We’re alone. We don’t know what to do next. Or that cycle in our lives has ended—maybe we’ve graduated from school or college, and we don’t know where to go next. Maybe our time as a parent has ended. Maybe someone we loved, a roommate or best friend, who was an important part of our lives has moved away.

Don’t be afraid of the void. Postpone it for a while, if you must. Linger at dinner with friends, refusing to finish your dessert. As dark, cold, and empty as it feels, the void is a friendly place. Its rhythms are slower and often more confusing than other cycles in our lives, but the rhythms of this cycle are still there.

Remember those quiet times in your life, the ones you’ve gone through before, when one cycle has ended and another has not yet begun. Remind yourself when that void comes along that you don’t have to be frightened of it. It’s not the end. It’s only a creative and necessary pause, a cycle of its own, in the cycles and rhythms of life.

God, give me the courage to step into the void in my life with dignity, faith, and a sense of humor. Help me cherish the unknown as much as I enjoy activity and clarity.

March 18
Prayer helps

“Sometimes I talk myself out of praying,” Sheila said. “I convince myself that it’s just more work, because even if I pray about something, I have to do all the work, too.”

I sit down to write. The energy’s not there, but the deadline is. God, please help. I remember a joke I heard from someone, somewhere: “I love deadlines. Especially the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.” I write anyway, putting one word in front of another. Then, from out of nowhere, comes a string of words I didn’t plan on, a new idea, a fresh perspective, a story, complete with ending. Wow! Where’d that come from?

An issue comes up in a relationship with a friend. He’s hurt and angry. His hurt and anger evoke more hurt and anger in me. I try to reason things out, listen to him, get him to see things my way. He feels justified. So do I. Day after day, we work on the relationship. The strain continues. I don’t know what to do next. “God, please help me with this situation. Show me what to do next.” I keep talking to my friend. He keeps talking to me. Then one day, I feel less defensive and guilty. A new feeling surrounds the relationship. “I’m sorry,” I say one day. “So am I,” he says, too. Wow, I think. Where did that come from?

I stand on the scale, glaring at the numbers. I want to lose ten pounds. I start eating less, exercising more. A few days later, I get on the scale again. Dang. Gained a pound. I continue to eat less; the numbers don’t move. God, please help me drop this weight. Why am I holding on to it? I continue to watch my caloric intake and pay attention to exercise. One morning, I get on the scale. Wow! I’ve lost five pounds. How did that happen?

Pray. Let go. Then act as if you need to do all the work. Don’t plan on magic and miracles. But leave room for them, too.

God, help me remember that when I run out of myself, I run right into you.

March 19
Lighten up

The matter at hand is serious. It’s grave. We need to get serious about the relationship. We need to get serious about the task.

Maybe what we really need to do is learn to lighten up.

Nations rise and fall, heroes are born and die, the sun rises and sets, and you want me to take seriously the notion that arriving to church wearing the right clothes is going to make any difference at all?

What matters is what’s in our hearts.

“The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly,” G. K. Chesterton once wrote. Once you stop taking yourself so seriously and let go of the gravity of all that you do, you can learn to fly, too.

God, help me lighten up.

March 20
Let go of what others think

We had gone for a walk in the snow down into the bowl of Bryce Canyon in Utah earlier that day. After a quick shower in the hotel room, we headed down to the restaurant for dinner. Our boots were soaked from the snow, so we wore our flip-flops to the restaurant.

The hostess was the first to notice. “Hey, you’ve got the wrong shoes on!” she admonished. “There’s snow outside!”

“Yeah, I know. We’re from California,” Chip replied.

“Humph,” the hostess sniffed, as she showed us our table.

When our server approached our table, the hostess was right there again, quick to point out our inappropriate footwear to him. We tried to explain that we had been hiking and our boots were wet, but it only set her off more.

“I certainly hope you didn’t wear those,” she said. “There’s snow on the trails.” Then she trotted back to her station.

Our server didn’t care. He listened to the story about our hike, told us one of his own, and kept our glasses full.

Later during the meal, the hostess guided another couple past our table and pointed at our feet. “Look at these people,” she said. “They’re from California and they’re wearing the wrong shoes!”

We giggled all through dinner that night, all because our hiking boots got soaked.

Sometimes what’s appropriate for a situation just doesn’t work for you and you’re forced to improvise. Wear the wrong shoes if you must, but don’t miss the party because of what someone else might think.

God, help me remember that the important thing is how I live, not how I look.

March 21
Letting go of finances

Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. It’s about having faith that things will work out. Let’s take a look at how letting go applies to the issue of money.

John had been an alcoholic for years. Over time, the disease destroyed his life, including his financial health. He hit bottom and finally began recovery. After a while, he was able to start making progress in life. But his finances were in terrible shape. For a while, he hid all the bills in a drawer. Then one day, he took out the bills and started to make a plan. Instead of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed, he applied the Twelve Steps to this area of his life. He called his creditors. He gave himself a budget. He did the best that he could and he let go of the rest.

Slowly, over the years, he began to rebuild his credit. He paid off his debts, a little at a time. He applied for a credit card, the kind you have to pay in advance. Then after a year, his limit was raised. He doesn’t use the card for credit; he uses it for a credit rating. He’s now got a checking and a savings account. He pays his taxes and manages to save a little every week.

Sometimes things happen. Cars break down. People get sick. The rent gets raised. That unexpected expense comes up, out of the blue, just when you thought you were ahead.

There were many years I couldn’t do my budget on paper. No matter how I arranged it, more had to go out than I could see coming in. I did my best, took responsibility for myself, then let go.

Worry never helped.

An attitude of taking responsibility for myself did.

What we cannot do for ourselves, God will do for us. And God knows we need money to live here on earth. What was that the Bible said? Seek money first, and then you’ll have peace? Nope, I got that backwards. “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all else shall be added unto you.”

Manifest what you need from a place of responsibility, trust, and peace.

God, teach me to let go of worrying about money.

March 22
Let go of the future

Many years ago, in ancient times, Moses led a group of slaves out of Egypt and back to their homeland. Along the way, they had to wander for many years through the Sinai Peninsula, a barren, rocky, lifeless stretch of land.

During their extended stay in the wilderness, God provided them with manna, a food that appeared out of nowhere and sustained the people with the nourishment they needed each day. The trick to this rhythm of trusting God, and receiving what they needed, was that any manna they received had to be used that day.

Manna couldn’t be hoarded. It could not be stored or saved up for a rainy day. If the people hoarded their manna, it would spoil and rot away. Or it would mysteriously disappear as magically and certainly as it had appeared.

Most of us know what it means to receive our daily bread. It’s the love, the guidance, the grace, and the material things we need each day on our journey.

Sometimes, we can sit down and anticipate the times to come. We can look at our money, our strength, our abilities, our stamina, and say wearily, “There just won’t be enough.” That’s because we’re looking too far ahead.

Look around at what you have available, this moment or this hour. Use the resources and gifts you’ve been given. Tomorrow’s manna will come at its appointed hour.

God, help me enjoy the road to freedom, even when that journey takes me through the wilderness. Help me remember the rules about manna: living one day at a time.

March 23
Let go of the trappings

We call it keeping up with the Joneses. They buy a boat and we buy a bigger one. They get a new TV and we get a big screen. They start a business and we start planning our articles of incorporation and the first stock release. And while we’re so busy keeping up, we ignore our soul, the inner voice, that’s telling us that it really wants to teach children to read.

While it helps to identify with each other, we’re not the same. So why compare ourselves on the basis of material things?

Follow your own talent and heart. It may be that you are a talented public speaker, able to sway hundreds of people with your words. Or maybe you have the talent of friendship, and you’ve been sent to quietly, one-on-one, help those close to you walk their own path.

If you must compare yourself to something, compare your daily life to your ideals and dreams. Do they match? If those ideals and dreams bring great material wealth, that’s great. If they mean a life of quiet, anonymous service, that’s great, too. Yes, material goods can be fun. But they can also be a trap.

Are you walking a path with heart in your own life, regardless of what others have?

God, help me let go of the trappings. Teach me to walk my own path.

March 24
Cultivate inner peace

According to my experience, the principal characteristic of genuine happiness is peace, inner peace.

— His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Cultivate a sense of peace, an abiding inner peace that doesn’t depend on outward circumstance.

So much chaos, so much drama, so many emotions surge through us. It is so easy, so tempting to believe that once we get through this circumstance, once we achieve this goal, once we solve this problem, then we will be peaceful.

That’s an illusion.

“I’m happy when I get what I want,” said Kent. “For a few minutes.”

Getting what we want may cause us to feel happy for a moment, but it will bring a limited, transient happiness. The next problem or emotion will present itself. Or we will begin resenting that person or job, because he, she, or it did not bring the happiness we believed it would. Like a carrot on a stick, happiness will always be the next problem, acquisition, or emotion away.

Be peaceful now.

Be happy now.

Take the limits off your joy.

God, help me remember to be peaceful first, no matter what situation I face.

March 25
Let go of resentments

Resentments are sneaky, tricky little things. They can convince us they’re justified. They can dry up our hearts. They can sabotage our happiness. They can sabotage love.

Most of us have been at the receiving end of an injustice at some time in our lives. Most of us know someone who’s complained of an injustice we’ve done to him or her. Life can be a breeding ground for resentments, if we let it.

“Yes, but this time I really was wronged,” we complain.

Maybe you were. But harboring a resentment isn’t the solution. If it was, our resentment list would resemble the Los Angeles telephone directory. Deal with your feelings. Learn whatever lesson is at hand. Then let the feelings go.

Resentments are a coping behavior, a tool of someone settling for survival in life. They’re a form of revenge. The problem is, no matter who we’re resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves.

Take a moment. Search your heart. Have you tricked yourself into harboring a resentment? If you have, take another moment and let that resentment go.

God, grant me the serenity that acceptance brings.

March 26
Say whatever with as much love as you can

There’s an old story about compassion, detachment, and Mohammed, the prophet of Islam.

Mohammed had a neighbor who had a garbage problem. This neighbor was a cranky old man who let his garbage pile up and spill out all around his yard. The mess was unsightly, but Mohammed practiced tolerance and compassion. He didn’t say anything to the annoying neighbor, for years.

One day, the unsightly mess from the garbage disappeared.

Mohammed went over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door. The neighbor answered the knock.

“I got worried when I didn’t see your garbage,” Mohammed said. “I was just checking to make sure you were all right.”

We need to set boundaries, be clear, and stand up for ourselves. We need to check regularly to make sure we’re taking care of ourselves. But once in a while, we also need to check to see if we’re allowing ourselves to become irritated and upset by nonessentials and forgetting the essential of love.

Learn to say whatever, but learn to say it with as much compassion and love as you can.

God, help me learn to take care of myself and live with passion, compassion, and an open heart.

March 27
Set yourself free

I’ll let go tomorrow; I’m having too much fun torturing myself today. No, that’s not really it. I’ll let go tomorrow; the things I’m holding on to need me to hold them today. Yes, that’s closer to what it is. I’m not enjoying myself at all today, but I have to keep holding on to my desires, my guilt, my limitations, and my worries. I am defined by them. And you want me to let go of them today? Sorry, maybe tomorrow. And so we hold on. And the ulcer grows. And the pain in our hearts from unfulfilled expectations keeps gnawing away at us. What we’re really putting off is the freedom we get from letting go.

Yes, I know that what you’re holding on to is important. Everything that I have ever had to let go of was important to me, too. If it wasn’t important, letting go wouldn’t be a struggle. We’d just put it down and walk away.

You’ve been given today. Will you use it or will you miss out on today’s wonder because you’re too preoccupied with holding on to things that are beyond your control?

God, help me let go, today.

March 28
Let go of outcomes

Some of us get attached to outcomes. We think a project or a relationship has to go a certain way.

Sometimes we get so attached to the outcome of a thing, we don’t pay attention to how that thing feels. We may be so focused on marrying that person we’re dating, we forget to pay attention to whether we like him or her. We may be so interested in that book of photographs getting published and achieving fame that we can’t recollect if we have any passion for what we’re taking pictures of. We may be so focused on everyone congratulating us for a wonderful party that we forget to relax and have fun.

We’re putting in the effort. But we’re trying to control both the flow and the way the thing turns out.

“God is in the details,” a writing teacher once said.

What he was talking about was paying attention to each little detail in our writing: the color of the sky, the texture of the couch, the nuances of the feelings of the main character, the twinkle in her eye.

There’s another way to interpret this saying, though. And that’s to trust that God is present and interested in the details of our lives. Know what your dreams are and pay attention to what you want. But focus on the details of your life—how you feel each moment, the details of what you do. Don’t be so attached to outcomes that you forget how much fun it is to live.

Remember that God is in the details, especially in how things work out.

God, help me be clear with you and myself about what I want in life. Help me learn to be present for the details of each moment of each day, doing what I do with passion.

March 29
Thy will be done

You can clear the land, plow the field, spread the fertilizer, and plant the corn. But you cannot make it rain. You cannot prevent an early frost. You cannot determine exactly what will happen in your life. The rain may or may not fall, but one thing is certain: you will get a harvest only if you planted something in the field.

It’s important to do everything in our power to ensure our success, but we also need to let the universe take its course. Getting mad won’t help. Dwelling on a situation only takes energy away from us, while yielding few positive results.

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind. It begins: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

Clear the land, plow the field, plant the crop, and then let go. Things will work out, sometimes the way we want them to, sometimes not. But they will work out.

Sometimes all you can do is shrug your shoulders, smile, and say whatever.

Thy will, not mine, be done.

God, help me take guided action, then surrender to your will. Help me remember that true power comes from aligning my will, intentions, and desires with you.

March 30
Go with the flow

I was standing in my kitchen, many years ago, cooking Thanksgiving dinner. The children were racing around the house. I was expecting company. Dinner wasn’t coming out the way I’d planned. And then I noticed, to my dismay, that one of my acrylic nails was missing. I looked around frantically, then realized it was most likely where I feared: inside the turkey, in the stuffing.

I called my best friend and explained things to her.

“Just relax,” she said, in the cheery voice I liked so much—sometimes. “Go with the flow.”

“How?” I said, quietly.

I don’t remember the details of how that day worked out, but it did—I think Nichole found the nail. And so did the next. And so did the next. In time the lesson became clear—learn to relax, and go with the flow. From that relaxed place, you will learn to naturally manifest your power.

Some people call it ki, some chi, some the Holy Spirit, some the Way, the Tao, God’s will, or the force. Whatever we choose to call it, there’s an energy flow, a path, that will lead us through any situation we encounter in life.

I spent many years resisting this flow, this universal life force. I expended a great deal of energy creating dramas around each incident that took place. I spent as much time resisting a feeling or an event as I spent dealing with it. I lived in a state of fear.

The answer will appear. A solution will come to you. You’ll be led to the next place, person, or event. You’ll get the opening you need, along with the inspiration, courage, and wisdom. Feelings will come and go.

The lesson isn’t that things will be okay. It’s that things are okay, right now.

God, teach me how to give up resistance and go with the flow.

March 31
Change what you can

There are times when it’s best to say whatever and times when it’s best to say enough. Be aware of the differences in these times, and be ready to say both.

Are you being abused or merely annoyed? Is your anger based on a legitimate hurt, or has someone just not lived up to your expectations? Be aware that there’s a difference. Then learn to apply the strategies, as needed, for that particular situation.

Are there any rules for knowing? No, there aren’t. You need to decide and choose what’s best for you at any given time. Trust yourself and your Higher Power. You’re wiser than you think.

Seek balance in your life. Learn when it’s time to let go, and learn when it’s time to act.

God, help me let go of situations that are out of my control and help me take action, when it’s time.