June
Directness: June 1
We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them.
Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they’re feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise.
Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships.
It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.
Today, I will own my power to be direct. I do not have to be passive, nor do I need to be aggressive. I will become comfortable with my own truth, so those around me can become comfortable with me.
Owning Our Power: June 2
We don’t have to give others so much power and ourselves so little. We don’t have to give others so much credit and ourselves so little. In recovery from codependency, we learn there’s a big difference between humility and discounting ourselves.
When others act irresponsibly and attempt to blame their problems on us, we no longer feel guilty. We let them face their own consequences.
When others talk nonsense, we don’t question our own thinking.
When others try to manipulate or exploit us, we know it’s okay to feel anger and distrust and to say no to the plan.
When others tell us that we want something that we really don’t want, or someone tells us that we don’t want something that we really do want, we trust ourselves. When others tell us things we don’t believe, we know it’s okay to trust our instincts.
We can even change our mind later.
We don’t have to give up our personal power to anyone: strangers, friends, spouses, children, authority figures, or those over whom we’re in authority. People may have things to teach us. They may have more information than we have, and may appear more confident or forceful than we feel. But we are equals. Our magic is not in them. Our magic, our light, is in us. And it is as bright a light as theirs.
We are not second-class citizens. By owning our power, we don’t have to become aggressive or controlling. We don’t have to discount others. But we don’t discount ourselves either.
Today, I will own my power with people. I will let myself know what I know, feel what I feel, believe what I believe, and see what I see. I will be open to changing and learning from others and experience, but I will trust and validate myself too. I will stand in my own truth.
Charity: June 3
We need healthy boundaries about receiving money, and we need healthy boundaries about giving money.
Some of us give money for inappropriate reasons.
We may be ashamed because we have money and don’t believe we deserve it. We may belong to an organization that uses shame as a form of control to coerce us out of our money that the organization wants.
We can get hooked into giving money to our children, family members, or friends because we have earned or unearned guilt. We allow ourselves to be financially blackmailed, sometimes by the people we love.
This is not money freely given, or given in health.
Some of us give money out of a sense of caretaking. We may have exaggerated feelings of responsibility for others, including financial responsibility.
We may be giving simply because we have not learned to own our power to say no when the answer is no.
Some of us give because we hope or believe people will love us if we take care of them financially.
We do not have to give money to anyone. Giving money is our choice. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized, manipulated, or coerced out of our money. We are financially responsible for ourselves. Part of being healthy is allowing those around us to be financially responsible for themselves.
We do not have to be ashamed about having the money that we earn; we deserve to have the money we have been given—whatever the amount, without feeling obligated to give it all away, or guilty because others want what we have.
Charity is a blessing. Giving is part of healthy living. We can learn to develop healthy boundaries around giving.
Today, I will strive to begin developing healthy boundaries about giving money. I understand that giving is my choice.
Trusting God: June 4
A married couple, friends of mine, decided to make some changes in their living situation. They had always lived in the city, and now they decided they wanted to live in the country, on a lake.
They found a small lake home. It wasn’t the house of their dreams, but when they sold their city home, they would have money to remodel it. They had saved some money, so they moved into their lake home before selling their city home.
One year passed, and the city home didn’t sell. My friends went through many changes during this time. They had times of patience and impatience. Some days they trusted God; other days they couldn’t figure out why God was making them wait so long, why God wouldn’t let them move forward with their plan. The doors just wouldn’t swing wide open.
One day, a neighbor came to visit my friends. His home on the lake was my friends’ dream home—everything they wanted, plus more. The first time my friends saw this house, they admired it, wishing they could have a home just like it, but then they forgot about the idea. They didn’t believe it could ever be possible.
The reason the neighbor came to visit my friends was that he and his wife had decided to move. He offered my friends the first option on purchasing his home.
My friends accepted his offer, and signed a purchase agreement. Within two months, they sold their city home and their small but adequate lake home. A short time later, they moved into the home of their dreams.
Sometimes, we experience times of frustration in our life. We believe we’re on track, trusting God and ourselves, yet things don’t work out. We have false starts and stops. The door refuses to swing wide open.
We may wonder if God has abandoned us, or doesn’t care. We may not understand where we’re going, or what our direction is.
Then one day we see: the reason we didn’t get what we wanted was because God had something much better planned for us.
Today, I will practice patience. I will ask, and trust, my Higher Power to send me His best.
Combating Shame: June 5
Shame can hold us back, hold us down, and keep us staring at our feet.
Watch out for shame.
Many systems and people reek of shame. They are controlled by shame and may want us to play their game with them. They may be hoping to hook us and control us through shame.
We don’t have to fall into their shame. Instead, we’ll take the good feelings—self-acceptance, love, and nurturing.
Compulsive behaviors, sexually addictive behaviors, overeating, chemical abuse, and addictive gambling are shame-based behaviors. If we participate in them, we will feel ashamed. It’s inevitable. We need to watch out for addictive and other compulsive behaviors because those will immerse us in shame.
Our past, and the brainwashing we may have had that imposed “original shame” upon us, may try to put shame on us. This can happen when we’re all alone, walking through the grocery store or just quietly going about living our life. Don’t think.… Don’t feel.… Don’t grow or change.… Don’t be alive.… Don’t live life.… Be ashamed!
Be done with shame. Attack shame. Go to war with it. Learn to recognize it and avoid it like the plague.
Today, I will deliberately refuse to get caught up in the shame floating around in the world. If I cannot resist it, I will feel it, accept it, then be done with it as quickly as possible. God, help me know that it’s okay to love myself and help me to refuse to submit to shame. If I get off course, help me learn to change shame into guilt, correct the behavior, and move forward with my life in immediate self-love.
The Gift of Readiness: June 6
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, an openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves—God.
The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.
The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.
Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.
God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my self-defeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.
Into Orbit: June 7
It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.
I think I can change him. Nobody’s ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I’ll be the one to do that, and then he’ll change… She’s never been with anybody trustworthy before. I’ll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she’ll be able to love.… Nobody’s been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I’ll be the one to do that…. Nobody’s ever really given him a chance.… Nobody’s ever really believed in him before….
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we’re thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone’s life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won’t work. It’ll make us crazy. We can trust that. We’re not seeing things clearly. Something’s going on with us.
It will be self-defeating.
We may be “the one” all right—the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him—Nobody has seen what I see in her…. It’s a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough…. Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do.… It’s a rescue. It’s a game move, a game we don’t have to play. We don’t have to prove we’re the one. If we’re out to show people we’re the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they’re the best thing that ever happened to us.
We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or “the one who will.”
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
Fun: June 8
Have some fun—with life, with the day.
Life is not drudgery; that is an old belief. Let go of it. We are on an adventure, a journey. Events will come to pass that we cannot now fathom.
Replace heaviness and weariness of spirit with joy. Surround yourself with people and things that bring lightness of spirit.
Become sensitive to lightness of spirit.
The journey can be an exciting adventure. Let yourself enjoy it.
Today, I will have some fun with life, with recovery, with people, and with my day.
Panic: June 9
Few situations—no matter how greatly they appear to demand it—can be bettered by us going beserk.
Don’t panic!
If a swimmer was crossing a great lake, then suddenly focused too heavily on the distance remaining, he might start to flounder and go under—not because he couldn’t swim, but because he became overwhelmed by panic.
Panic, not the task, is the enemy.
Many of us have moments when we feel crowded and overwhelmed. We have times when we feel like we cannot possibly accomplish all that needs to be done.
We may be facing a task at work, an improvement in ourselves, or change in our family life.
For a moment, it is helpful to look forward and envision the project. It is normal, when we look ahead at what needs to be done, to have moments of panic. Feel the fear, then let it go. Take our eyes off the future and the enormity of the task. If we have envisioned the goal, it will be ours. We do not have to do everything today, or at once.
Focus on today. Focus on the belief that all is well. All we need to do to reach our goal is to focus on what presents itself naturally, and in an orderly way, to us today. We shall be empowered to accomplish, peacefully, what we need to get where we want to be tomorrow.
Panic will stop this process. Trust and guided action will further it. Breathe deeply. Get peaceful. Trust. Act as guided, today.
We can get back on track by treading water until we regain our composure. Once we feel peaceful, we can begin swimming again, with confidence. Keep the focus simple, on one stroke, one movement at a time. If we can make one movement, we have progressed. If we get tired, we can float—but only if we are relaxed. Before we know it, we shall reach the shore.
Today, I will believe that all is well. I am being led, but I shall only be led one day at a time. I will focus my energy on living this day to the best of my ability. If panic arises, I will stop all activity and deal with panic as a separate issue.
Responsibility: June 10
Self-care means taking responsibility for ourselves. Taking responsibility for ourselves includes assuming our true responsibilities to others.
Sometimes, when we begin recovery, we’re worn down from feeling responsible for so many other people. Learning that we need only take responsibility for ourselves may be such a great relief that, for a time, we disown our responsibilities to others.
The goal in recovery is to find the balance: we take responsibility for ourselves, and we identify our true responsibilities to others.
This may take some sorting through, especially if we have functioned for years on distorted notions about our responsibilities to others. We may be responsible to one person as a friend or as an employee; to another person, we’re responsible as an employer or as a spouse. With each person, we have certain responsibilities. When we tend to those true responsibilities, we’ll find balance in our life.
We are also learning that while others aren’t responsible for us, they are accountable to us in certain ways.
We can learn to discern our true responsibilities for ourselves, and to others. We can allow others to be responsible for themselves and expect them to be appropriately responsible to us.
We’ll need to be gentle with ourselves while we learn.
Today, I will strive for clear thinking about my actual responsibilities to others. I will assume these responsibilities as part of taking care of myself.
Moving Forward: June 11
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don’t have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don’t need to suffer with them.
It doesn’t help.
It doesn’t help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We’re accountable for ourselves. They’re accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.
Spontaneity and Fun: June 12
Practice being spontaneous. Practice having fun.
The joy of recovery is that we finally get to experiment. We get to learn new behaviors, and we don’t have to do them perfectly. We only need to find a way that works for us. We even have fun experimenting, learning what we like, and how to do what we like.
Many of us have gotten into a rut with rigidity, martyrdom, and deprivation. One of the “normal” experiences many of us have been deprived of is having fun. Another one is being spontaneous. We may not have the foggiest notion what we would like to do for fun. And we may hold ourselves in check so tightly that we wouldn’t allow ourselves to try something fun, anyway.
We can let ourselves go a little now and then. We can loosen up a bit. We don’t have to be so stiff and rigid, so frightened about being who we are. Take some risks. Try some new activities. What would we like to do? What might we enjoy doing? Then, take another risk. Pick out a movie we’d like to see; call a friend, and invite him or her to go along. If that person says no, try someone else, or try again another time.
Decide to try something, then go through with it. Go once. Go twice. Practice having fun until fun becomes fun.
Today, I will do something just for fun. I will practice having fun until I actually enjoy it.
Hanging on to Old Relationships: June 13
We want to travel baggage-free on this journey. It makes the trip easier.
Some of the baggage we can let go of is lingering feelings and unfinished business with past relationships: anger; resentments; feelings of victimization, hurt, or longing.
If we have not put closure on a relationship, if we cannot walk away in peace, we have not yet learned our lesson. That may mean we will have to have another go-around with that lesson before we are ready to move on.
We may want to do a Fourth Step (a written inventory of our relationships) and a Fifth Step (an admission of our wrongs). What feelings did we leave with in a particular relationship? Are we still carrying those feelings around? Do we want the heaviness and impact of that baggage on our behavior today?
Are we still feeling victimized, rejected, or bitter about something that happened two, five, ten, or even twenty years ago?
It may be time to let it go. It may be time to open ourselves to the true lesson from that experience. It may be time to put past relationships to rest, so we are free to go on to new, more rewarding experiences.
We can choose to live in the past, or we can choose to finish our old business from the past and open ourselves to the beauty of today.
Let go of your baggage from past relationships.
Today, I will open myself to the cleansing and healing process that will put closure on yesterday and open me to the best today, and tomorrow, has to offer in my relationships.
Letting Go of Timing: June 14
When the time is right, child. When the time is right. How often have we heard those words—from a friend, a sponsor, our Higher Power?
We want things so badly—that job, that check, a relationship, a possession. We want our life to change.
So we wait, sometimes patiently, sometimes anxiously, wondering all the while: When will the future bring me what I long for? Will I be happy then?
We try to predict, circling dates on the calendar, asking questions. We forget that we don’t hold the answers. The answers come from God. If we listen closely, we’ll hear them. When the time is right, child. When the time is right.
Be happy now.
Today, I will relax. I am being prepared. I can let go of timing. I can stop manipulating outcomes. Good things will happen when the time is right, and they will happen naturally.
Competition Between Martyrs: June 15
“Yes, I know your spouse is an alcoholic, but my son is an alcoholic, and that’s different. That’s worse!”
My pain is greater than yours!
What an easy trap that can be for us. We are out to show others how victimized we have been, how much we hurt, how unfair life is, and what a tremendous martyr we are. And we won’t be happy until we do!
We don’t need to prove our pain and suffering to anyone. We know we have been in pain. We know we have suffered. Most of us have been legitimately victimized. Many of us have had difficult, painful lessons to learn.
The goal in recovery is not to show others how much we hurt or have hurt. The goal is to stop our pain, and to share that solution with others.
If someone begins trying to prove to us how much he or she hurts, we can say simply, “It sounds like you’ve been hurt.” Maybe all that person is looking for is validation of his or her pain.
If we find ourselves trying to prove to someone how much we’ve been hurt or if we try to top someone else’s pain, we may want to stop and figure out what’s going on. Do we need to recognize how much we’ve hurt or are hurting?
There is no particular award or reward for suffering, as many of us tricked ourselves into believing in the height of our codependency. The reward is learning to stop the pain and move into joy, peace, and fulfillment.
That is the gift of recovery, and it is equally available to each of us, even if our pain was greater, or less, than someone else’s.
God, help me be grateful for all my lessons, even the ones that caused me the most pain and suffering. Help me learn what I need to learn, so I can stop the pain in my life. Help me focus on the goal of recovery, rather than the pain that motivated me into it.
Feeling Good: June 16
Having boundaries doesn’t complicate life; boundaries simplify life.
There is a positive aspect to boundary setting. We learn to listen to ourselves and identify what hurts us and what we don’t like. But we also learn to identify what feels good.
When we are willing to take some risks and begin actively doing so, we will enhance the quality of our life.
What do we like? What feels good? What brings us pleasure? Whose company do we enjoy? What helps us to feel good in the morning? What’s a real treat in our life? What are the small, daily activities that make us feel nurtured and cared for?
What appeals to our emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical self? What actually feels good to us?
We have deprived ourselves too long. There is no need to do that anymore, no need. If it feels good, and the consequences are self-loving and not self-defeating, do it!
Today, I will do for myself those little things that make life more pleasurable. I will not deny myself healthy treats.
Surrender: June 17
Master the lessons of your present circumstances.
We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance.
Avoidance is not the key; surrender opens the door.
Listen to this truth: We are each in our present circumstances for a reason. There is a lesson, a valuable lesson, that must be learned before we can move forward.
Something important is being worked out in us, and in those around us. We may not be able to identify it today, but we can know that it is important. We can know it is good.
Overcome not by force, overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free.
Today, I will be open to the lessons of my present circumstances. I do not have to label, know, or understand what I’m learning; I will see clearly in time. For today, trust and gratitude are sufficient.
Being Vulnerable: June 18
Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections—not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.
Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.
Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn’t respect our confidence. Or we may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.
We learn from our mistakes—and despite our mistakes, it is still a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don’t scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.
Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.
Making Life Easier: June 19
Life doesn’t have to be hard.
Yes, there are times we need to endure, struggle through, and rely on our survival skills. But we don’t have to make life, growth, recovery, change, or our day-to-day affairs that hard all the time.
Having life be that hard is a remnant of our martyrdom, a leftover from old ways of thinking, feeling, and believing. We are worthy, even when life isn’t that hard. Our value and worth are not determined by how hard we struggle.
If we’re making it that hard, we may be making it harder than it needs to be, said one woman. Learn to let things happen easily and naturally. Learn to let events, and our participation in them, fall into place. It can be easy now. Easier than it has been. We can go with the flow, take the world off our shoulders, and let our Higher Power ease us into where we need to be.
Today, I will stop struggling so hard. I will let go of my belief that life and recovery have to be hard. I will replace it with a belief that I can walk this journey in ease and peace. And sometimes, it can actually be fun.
Relationship Martyrs: June 20
Many of us have gone so numb and discounted our feelings so completely that we have gotten out of touch with our needs in relationships.
We can learn to distinguish whose company we enjoy, whether we’re talking about friends, business acquaintances, dates, or spouses. We all need to interact with people we might prefer to avoid, but we don’t have to force ourselves through long-term or intimate relationships with these people.
We are free to choose friends, dates, spouses. We are free to choose how much time we spend with those people we can’t always choose to be around, such as relatives. This is our life. This is it. We can decide how we want to spend our days and hours. We’re not enslaved. We’re not trapped. And not one of us is without options. We may not see our options clearly. Although we may have to struggle through shame and learn to own our power, we can learn to spend our valuable hours and days with the people we enjoy and choose to be with.
God, help me value my time and life. Help me place value on how I feel being around certain people. Guide me as I learn to develop healthy, intimate, sharing relationships with people. Help me give myself the freedom to experiment, explore, and learn who I am and who I can be in my relationships.
The Good Feelings: June 21
Let yourself feel the good feelings too.
Yes, sometimes good feelings can be as distracting as the painful, more difficult ones. Yes, good feelings can be anxiety producing to those of us unaccustomed to them. But go ahead and feel the good feelings anyway.
Feel and accept the joy. The love. The warmth. The excitement. The pleasure. The satisfaction. The elation. The tenderness. The comfort.
Let yourself feel the victory, the delight.
Let yourself feel cared for.
Let yourself feel respected, important, and special.
These are only feelings, but they feel good. They are full of positive, upbeat energy—and we deserve to feel that when it comes our way.
We don’t have to repress. We don’t have to talk ourselves out of feeling good—not for a moment.
If we feel it, it’s ours for the moment. Own it. If it’s good, enjoy it.
Today, God, help me be open to the joy and good feelings available to me.
Work Histories: June 22
Just as we have relationship histories, most of us have work histories.
Just as we have a present circumstance to accept and deal with in our relationship life, we have a present circumstance to deal with and accept in our work life.
Just as we develop a healthy attitude toward our relationship history—one that will help us learn and move forward—we can develop a healthy attitude toward our work history.
I have worked many jobs in my life, since I was eleven years old. Just as I have learned many things about myself through my relationships, I have learned many lessons through my work. Often, these lessons run parallel to the lessons I’m learning in other areas of my life.
I have worked at jobs I hated but was temporarily dependent on. I have gotten stuck in jobs because I was afraid to strike out on my own and find my next set of circumstances.
I have been in some jobs to develop skills. Sometimes, I didn’t know I was developing those skills until later on when they became an important part of the career of my choice.
I have worked at jobs where I have felt victimized, where I felt like I gave and gave and received nothing in return. I have been in relationships where I manufactured similar feelings.
I have worked at some jobs that have taught me what I absolutely didn’t want; others sparked in me an idea of what I really did want and deserve in my career.
Some of my jobs have helped me develop character; others have helped me fine-tune skills. They have all been a place to practice recovery behaviors.
Just as I have had to deal with my feelings and messages about myself in relationships, I have had to deal with my feelings and messages about myself, and what I believed I deserved at work.
Just as I have needed to clear the wreckage of feelings about past relationships, I have needed to finish my business with jobs and careers.
I have been through two major career changes in my life. I learned that neither career was a mistake and no job was wasted time. I have learned something from each job, and my work history has helped create who I am.
I learned something else: there was a Plan, and I was being led. The more I trusted my instincts, what I wanted, and what felt right, the more I felt that I was being led.
The more I refused to lose my soul to a job and worked at it because I wanted to and not for the paycheck, the less victimized I felt by any career, even those jobs that paid a meager salary. The more I set goals and took responsibility for achieving the career I wanted, the more I could decide whether a particular job fit into that scheme of things. I could understand why I was working at a particular job and how that was going to benefit me.
There are times I have panicked at work and about where I was in my employment history. Panic never helped. Trust and working my program did.
There were times I looked around and wondered why I was where I was. There were times people thought I should be someplace different. But when I looked into myself and at God, I knew I was in the right place, for the moment.
There were times I didn’t get the promotion I wanted. There were times I refused a promotion because it didn’t feel right.
There are times I have had to quit a job and walk away in order to be true to myself. Sometimes, that was frightening. Sometimes, I felt like a failure. But I learned this: If I was working my program and true to myself, I never had to fear where I was being led.
There have been times I couldn’t survive on the small amount of money I was receiving. Instead of bringing that issue to a particular employer and making it his or her fault, I have had to learn to bring the issue to myself and my Higher Power. I’ve learned I’m responsible for setting my boundaries and establishing what I believe I deserve. I’ve also learned God, not a particular employer, is my source of guidance.
I’ve learned that I’m not stuck or trapped in a job no more than I am in a relationship. I have choices. I may not be able to see them clearly right now, but I do have choices. I’ve learned that if I really want to take care of myself in a particular way on a job, I will do that. And if I really want to be victimized by a job, I will allow that to happen too.
I am responsible for my choices, and I have choices.
Above all else, I’ve learned to accept and trust my present circumstances at work. That does not mean to submit; it does not mean to forego boundaries. It means to trust, accept, then take care of myself the best I’m able to on any given day.
God, help me bring my recovery behaviors to my career affairs.
Letting Go of Old Beliefs: June 23
Try harder. Do better. Be perfect.
These messages are tricks that people have played on us. No matter how hard we try, we think we have to do better. Perfection always eludes us and keeps us unhappy with the good we’ve done.
Messages of perfectionism are tricks because we can never achieve their goal. We cannot feel good about ourselves or what we have done while these messages are driving us. We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.
We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.
We can be who we are, and do it the way we do it—today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.
God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies. I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.
Detachment: June 24
Detachment doesn’t come naturally for many of us. But once we realize the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital detachment is. The following story illustrates how a woman came to understand detachment.
“The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my alcoholic husband. He had been drinking for seven years—since I had married him. For that long, I had been denying his alcoholism and trying to make him stop drinking.
“I did outrageous things to make him stop drinking, to make him see the light, to make him realize how much he was hurting me. I really thought I was doing things right by trying to control him.
“One night, I saw things clearly. I realized that my attempts to control him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life was unmanageable. I couldn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do. His alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn’t drinking.
“I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and so could I. When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.
“I’ve had to practice the principle of detachment many times since then. I’ve had to detach from unhealthy people and healthy people. It’s never failed. Detachment works.”
Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we’re ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.
Today, wherever possible, I will detach in love.
Withholding: June 25
Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we’re in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we’re not. We’re not available to participate in the relationship.
We shut down.
Sometimes, it is appropriate and healthy to shut down in a relationship. We may legitimately need some time out. Sometimes it is self-defeating to close ourselves off in a relationship.
To stop being vulnerable, honest, and present for another person can put an end to the relationship. The other person can do nothing in the relationship when we are gone. Closing ourselves makes us unavailable to that relationship.
It is common to go through temporary periods of closing down in a relationship. But it is unhealthy to make this an ongoing practice. It may be one of our relationship sabotaging devices.
Before we close down, we need to ask ourselves what we are hoping to accomplish by shutting down. Do we need some time to deal? To heal? To grow? To sort through things? Do we need time out from this relationship? Or are we reverting to our old ways—hiding, running, and terminating relationships because we are afraid we cannot take care of ourselves in any other way?
Do we need to shut down because the other person truly isn’t safe, is manipulating, lying, or acting out addictively or abusively? Are we shutting down because the other person has shut down and we no longer want to be available?
Shutting down, shutting off, closing ourselves and removing our emotional presence from a relationship is a powerful tool. We need to use it carefully and responsibly. To achieve intimacy and closeness in a relationship, we need to be present emotionally. We need to be available.
God, help me be emotionally present in the relationships I choose to be in.
Surviving Slumps: June 26
A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can’t sort out. We may not understand what is going on with us. Even our attempts to practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don’t feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as good as we would like.
In a slump, we may find ourselves reverting instinctively to old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better. We may find ourselves obsessing, even when we know that what we’re doing is obsessing and that it doesn’t work.
We may find ourselves looking frantically for other people to make us feel better, the whole time knowing our happiness and well-being does not lay with others.
We may begin taking things personally that are not our issues, and reacting in ways we’ve learned all too well do not work.
We’re in a slump. It won’t last forever. These periods are normal, even necessary. These are the days to get through. These are the days to focus on recovery behaviors, whether or not the rewards occur immediately. These are sometimes the days to let ourselves be and love ourselves as much as we can.
We don’t have to be ashamed, no matter how long we’ve been recovering. We don’t have to unreasonably expect “more” from ourselves. We don’t ever have to expect ourselves to live life perfectly.
Get through the slump. It will end. Sometimes, a slump can go on for days and then, in the course of an hour, we see ourselves pull out of it and feel better. Sometimes it can last a little longer.
Practice one recovery behavior in one small area, and begin to climb uphill. Soon, the slump will disappear. We can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today.
Today, I will focus on practicing one recovery behavior on one of my issues, trusting that this practice will move me forward. I will remember that acceptance, gratitude, and detachment are a good place to begin.
Achieving Harmony: June 27
When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand’s work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sound. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one by one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned its part—the sound, the feel, the rhythm, the tones—then both hands can play together.
During the time of practice, the music may not sound like much. It may sound disconnected, not particularly beautiful. But when both hands are ready to play together, music is created—a whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.
When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.
We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships.
One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note.
We work on our relationship with our Higher Power—our spirituality. We work at loving ourselves. We work at believing we deserve the best. We work on our finances. On our recreation. Sometimes on our appearance. Sometimes on our home.
We work on feelings. On beliefs. On behaviors. Letting go of the old, acquiring the new. We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.
It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music—just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.
What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, a life in harmony.
The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.
Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.
When Things Don’t Work: June 28
Frequently, when faced with a problem, we may attempt to solve it in a particular way. When that way doesn’t work, we may continue trying to solve the problem in that same way.
We may get frustrated, try harder, get more frustrated, and then exert more energy and influence into forcing the same solution that we have already tried and that didn’t work.
That approach makes us crazy. It tends to get us stuck and trapped. It is the stuff that unmanageability is made of.
We can get caught in this same difficult pattern in relationships, in tasks, in any area of our life. We initiate something, it doesn’t work, doesn’t flow, we feel bad, then try the same approach harder, even though it’s not working and flowing.
Sometimes, it’s appropriate not to give up and to try harder. Sometimes, it’s more appropriate to let go, detach, and stop trying so hard.
If it doesn’t work, if it doesn’t flow, maybe life is trying to tell us something. Life is a gentle teacher. She doesn’t always send neon road signs to guide us. Sometimes, the signs are more subtle. Something not working may be a sign!
Let go. If we have become frustrated by repeated efforts that aren’t producing desired results, we may be trying to force ourselves down the wrong path. Sometimes, a different solution is appropriate. Sometimes, a different path opens up. Often, the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder.
Learn to recognize when something isn’t working or isn’t flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance.
Today, I will not make myself crazy by repeatedly trying solutions that have proven themselves unsuccessful. If something isn’t working, I will step back and wait for guidance.
God’s Will: June 29
God’s will most often happens in spite of us, not because of us.
We may try to second guess what God has in mind for us, looking, searching, hypervigilant to seek God’s will as though it were a buried treasure, hidden beyond our reach. If we find it, we win the prize. But if we’re not careful, we miss out.
That’s not how it works.
We may believe that we have to walk on eggshells, saying, thinking, and feeling the right thing, while forcing ourselves somehow to be in the right place at the right time to find God’s will. But that’s not true.
God’s will for us is not hidden like a buried treasure. We do not have to control or force it. We do not have to walk on eggshells in order to have it happen.
It is right there inside and around us. It is happening, right now. Sometimes, it is quiet and uneventful and includes the daily disciplines of responsibility and learning to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, it is healing us when we’re in circumstances that trigger old grieving and unfinished business.
Sometimes, it is grand.
We do have a part. We have responsibilities, including caring for ourselves. But we do not have to control God’s will for us. We are being taken care of. We are protected. And the Power caring for and protecting us loves us very much.
If it is a quiet day, trust the stillness. If it is a day of action, trust the activity. If it is time to wait, trust the pause. If it is time to receive that which we have been waiting for, trust that it will happen clearly and with power, and receive the gift in joy.
Today, I will trust that God’s will is happening as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God’s will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God’s will has passed me by and I have missed it.
Accepting Change: June 30
One day, my mother and I were working together in the garden. We were transplanting some plants for the third time. Grown from seed in a small container, the plants had been transferred to a larger container; then transplanted into the garden. Now, because I was moving, we were transplanting them again.
Inexperienced as a gardener, I turned to my green-thumbed mother. “Isn’t this bad for them?” I asked, as we dug them up and shook the dirt from their roots. “Won’t it hurt these plants, being uprooted and transplanted so many times?”
“Oh, no,” my mother replied. “Transplanting doesn’t hurt them. In fact, it’s good for the ones that survive. That’s how their roots grow strong. Their roots will grow deep, and they’ll make strong plants.”
Often, I’ve felt like those small plants—uprooted and turned upside down. Sometimes, I’ve endured the change willingly, sometimes reluctantly, but usually my reaction has been a combination.
Won’t this be hard on me? I ask. Wouldn’t it be better if things remained the same? That’s when I remember my mother’s words: That’s how the roots grow deep and strong.
Today, God, help me remember that during times of transition, my faith and my self are being strengthened.