July
Receiving: July 1
Here is an exercise:
Today, let someone give to you. Let someone do something nice for you. Let someone give you a compliment or tell you something good about yourself. Let someone help you.
Then, stand there and take it. Take it in. Feel it. Know that you are worthy and deserving. Do not apologize. Do not say, “You shouldn’t have.” Do not feel guilty, afraid, ashamed, and panicky. Do not immediately try to give something back.
Just say, “Thank you.”
Today, I will let myself receive one thing from someone else, and I will let myself be comfortable with that.
Who Knows Best?: July 2
Others do not know what’s best for us.
We do not know what’s best for others.
It is our job to determine what’s best for ourselves.
“I know what you need.”… “I know what you should do.”… “Now listen, this is what I think you should be working on right now.”
These are audacious statements, beliefs that take us away from how we operate on a spiritual plane of life. Each of us is given the ability to be able to discern and detect our own path, on a daily basis. This is not always easy. We may have to struggle to reach that quiet, still place.
Giving advice, making decisions for others, mapping out their strategy, is not our job. Nor is it their job to direct us. Even if we have a clean contract with someone to help us—such as in a sponsorship relationship—we cannot trust that others always know what is best for us. We are responsible for listening to the information that comes to us. We are responsible for asking for guidance and direction. But it is our responsibility to sift and sort through information, and then listen to ourselves about what is best for us. Nobody can know that but ourselves.
A great gift we can give to others is to be able to trust in them—that they have their own source of guidance and wisdom, that they have the ability to discern what is best for them and the right to find that path by making mistakes and learning.
To trust ourselves to be able to discover—through that same imperfect process of struggle, trial, and error—is a great gift we can give ourselves.
Today, I will remember that we are each given the gift of being able to discover what is best for ourselves. God, help me trust that gift.
Directness: July 3
So much of our communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs.
Freedom is just a few words away. Those words are our truths. We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind.
Let go of your need to control. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths. Neither do we need to hide our light. Let go, and freely be who you are.
Today, I will be honest with myself and others, knowing that if I don’t, my truth will come out some other way.
Celebrate: July 4
Take time to celebrate.
Celebrate your successes, your growth, your accomplishments. Celebrate you and who you are.
For too long you have been too hard on yourself. Others have spilled their negative energy—their attitudes, beliefs, pain—on you. It had nothing to do with you! All along, you have been a gift to yourself and to the Universe.
You are a child of God. Beautiful, a delight, a joy. You do not have to try harder, be better, be perfect, or be anything you are not. Your beauty is in you, just as you are each moment.
Celebrate that.
When you have a success, when you accomplish something, enjoy it. Pause, reflect, rejoice. Too long you have listened to admonitions not to feel good about what you have done, lest you travel the downward road to arrogance.
Celebration is a high form of praise, of gratitude to the Creator for the beauty of God’s creation. To enjoy and celebrate the good does not mean that it will be taken from you. To celebrate is to delight in the gift, to show gratitude.
Celebrate your relationships! Celebrate the lessons from the past and the love and warmth that is there today. Enjoy the beauty of others and their connection to you.
Celebrate all that is in your life. Celebrate all that is good. Celebrate you!
Today, I will indulge in the joy of celebrating.
Survivor Guilt: July 5
We begin recovering. We begin taking care of ourselves. Our recovery program starts to work in our life, and we begin to feel good about ourselves.
Then it hits. Guilt.
Whenever we begin to experience the fullness and joy of life, we may feel guilty about those we’ve left behind—those not recovering, those still in pain. This survivor guilt is a symptom of codependency.
We may think about the husband we’ve divorced who is still drinking. We may dwell on a child, grown or adult, still in pain. We may get a phone call from a nonrecovering parent who relates his or her misery to us. And we feel pulled into their pain.
How can we feel so happy, so good, when those we love are still in misery? Can we really break away and lead satisfying lives, despite their circumstances? Yes, we can.
And yes, it hurts to leave behind those we love. But keep moving forward anyway. Be patient. Other people’s recovery is not our job. We cannot make them recover. We cannot make them happy.
We may ask why we were chosen for a fuller life. We may never know the answer. Some may catch up in their own time, but their recovery is not our business. The only recovery we can truly claim is our own.
We can let go of others with love, and love ourselves without guilt.
Today, I am willing to work through my sadness and guilt. I will let myself be healthy and happy, even though someone I love has not chosen the same path.
Step Seven: July 6
Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
In the Sixth and Seventh Steps of the program, we become willing to let go of our defects of character—issues, behaviors, old feelings, unresolved grief, and beliefs that are blocking us from the joy that is ours. Then we ask God to take them from us.
Isn’t that simple? We don’t have to contort ourselves to make ourselves change. We don’t have to force change. For once, we don’t have to “do it ourselves.” All we have to do is strive for an attitude of willingness and humility. All we have to do is ask God for what we want and need, and then trust God to do for us that which we cannot do and do not have to do for ourselves.
We do not have to watch with bated breath for how and when we shall change. This is not a self-help program. In this miraculous and effective program that has brought about recovery and change for millions, we become changed by working the Steps.
Today, God, help me surrender to recovery and to the process by which I become changed. Help me focus on the Step I need. Help me do my part, relax, and allow the rest to happen.
Getting It All Out: July 7
Let yourself have a good gripe session.
Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it’s not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really working a good program, we wouldn’t need to complain.
What does that mean? We won’t have feelings? We won’t feel overwhelmed? We won’t need to blow off steam or work through some not-so-pleasant, not-so-perfect, and not-so-pretty parts of life?
We can let ourselves get our feelings out, take risks, and be vulnerable with others. We don’t have to be all put together, all the time. That sounds more like codependency than recovery.
Getting it all out doesn’t mean we need to be victims. It doesn’t mean we need to revel in our misery, finding status in our martyrdom. It doesn’t mean we won’t go on to set boundaries. It doesn’t mean we won’t take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, getting it all out is an essential part of taking care of ourselves. We reach a point of surrender so we can move forward.
Self-disclosure does not mean only quietly reporting our feelings. It means we occasionally take the risk to share our human side—the side with fears, sadness, hurt, rage, unreasonable anger, weariness, or lack of faith.
We can let our humanity show. In the process, we give others permission to be human too. “Together” people have their not-so-together moments. Sometimes, falling apart—getting it all out—is how we get put back together.
Today, I will let it all out if I need a release.
Going with the Flow: July 8
Go with the flow.
Let go of fear and your need to control. Relinquish anxiety. Let it slip away, as you dive into the river of the present moment, the river of your life, your place in the universe.
Stop trying to force the direction. Try not to swim against the current, unless it is necessary for your survival. If you’ve been clinging to a branch at the riverside, let go.
Let yourself move forward. Let yourself be moved forward.
Avoid the rapids when possible. If you can’t, stay relaxed. Staying relaxed can take you safely through fierce currents. If you go under for a moment, allow yourself to surface naturally. You will.
Appreciate the beauty of the scenery, as it is. See things with freshness, with newness. You shall never pass by today’s scenery again!
Don’t think too hard about things. The flow is meant to be experienced. Within it, care for yourself. You are part of the flow, an important part. Work with the flow. Work within the flow. Thrashing about isn’t necessary. Let the flow help you care for yourself. Let it help you set boundaries, make decisions, and get you where you need to be when it is time.
You can trust the flow, and your part in it.
Today, I will go with the flow.
Overspending and Underspending: July 9
I used to beat my husband to death with my credit card. It made me feel like I had some control, some way to get even with him.
I spent ten years buying everything for myself at garage sales. I didn’t even buy myself a new pair of shoes. The entire time I was depriving myself, my husband was gambling, speculating on risky business deals, and doing whatever he wanted with money. I learned that when I made a decision that I deserved to have the things I wanted, and made a decision to buy something I wanted, there was enough money to do it. It wasn’t about being frugal; it was about depriving myself, and being a martyr.
Compulsive buying or overspending may give us a temporary feeling of power or satisfaction, but like other out-of-control behaviors, it has predictable negative consequences.
Underspending can leave us feeling victimized too.
There is a difference between responsible spending and martyred deprivation. There is a difference between treating ourselves well financially and overspending. We can learn to discern that difference. We can develop responsible spending habits that reflect high self-esteem and love for ourselves.
Today, I will strive for balance in my spending habits. If I am overspending, I will stop and deal with what’s going on inside me. If I am underspending or depriving myself, I will ask myself if that’s necessary and what I want.
Ending Relationships: July 10
It takes courage and honesty to end a relationship—with friends, loved ones, or a work relationship.
Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the relationship die from lack of attention rather than risk ending it. Sometimes, it may appear easier to let the other person take responsibility for ending the relationship.
We may be tempted to take a passive approach. Instead of saying how we feel, what we want or don’t want, or what we intend to do, we may begin sabotaging the relationship, hoping to force the other person to do the difficult work.
Those are ways to end relationships, but they are not the cleanest or the easiest ways.
As we walk this path of self-care, we learn that when it is time to end a relationship, the easiest way is one of honesty and directness. We are not being loving, gentle, or kind by avoiding the truth, if we know the truth.
We are not sparing the other person’s feelings by sabotaging the relationship instead of accepting the end or the change, and doing something about it. We are prolonging and increasing the pain and discomfort—for the other person and ourselves.
If we don’t know, if we are on the fence, it is more loving and honest to say that.
If we know it is time to terminate a relationship, say that.
Endings are never easy, but endings are not made easy by sabotage, indirectness, and lying about what we want and need to do.
Say what you need to say, in honesty and love, when it is time. If we are trusting and listening to ourselves, we will know what to say and when to say it.
Today, I will remember that honesty and directness will increase my self-esteem. God, help me let go of my fear about owning my power to take care of myself in all my relationships.
Bring Any Request to God: July 11
Bring any request you have to God.
No request is too large; none too small or insignificant.
How often we limit God by not bringing to God everything we want and need.
Do we need help getting our balance? Getting through the day?
Do we need help in a particular relationship? With a particular character defect? Attaining a character asset?
Do we need help making progress on a particular task that is challenging us? Do we need help with a feeling? Do we want to change a self-defeating belief that has been challenging us? Do we need information, an insight? Support? A friend?
Is there something in God’s Universe that would really bring us joy?
We can ask for it. We can ask God for whatever we want. Put the request in God’s hands, trusting it has been heard, then let it go. Leave the decision to God.
Asking for what we want and need is taking care of ourselves. Trust that the Higher Power to whom we have turned over our life and will really does care about us and about what we want and need.
Today, I will ask my Higher Power for what I want and need. I will not demand—I will ask. Then I will let go.
Letting Go of Fear of Abandonment: July 12
“Where are you, God? Where did you go?”
So many people have gone away. We may have felt so alone so much. In the midst of our struggles and lessons, we may wonder if God has gone away too.
There are wondrous days when we feel God’s protection and presence, leading and guiding each step and event. There are gray, dry days of spiritual barrenness when we wonder if anything in our life is guided or planned. Wondering if God knows or cares.
Seek quiet times on the gray days. Force discipline and obedience until the answer comes, because it will.
“I have not gone away, child. I am here, always. Rest in me, in confidence. All in your life is being guided and planned, each detail. I know, and I care. Things are being worked out as quickly as possible for your highest good. Trust and be grateful. I am right here. Soon you will see, and know.”
Today, I will remember that God has not abandoned me. I can trust that God is leading, guiding, directing, and planning in love each detail of my life.
God as We Understand God: July 13
God is subtle, but he is not malicious.
Recovery is an intensely spiritual process that asks us to grow in our understanding of God. Our understanding may have been shaped by early religious experiences or the beliefs of those around us. We may wonder if God is as shaming and frightening as people can be. We may feel as victimized or abandoned by God as we have by people from our past.
Trying to understand God may boggle our mind because of what we have learned and experienced so far in our life.
We can learn to trust God, anyway.
I have grown and changed in my understanding of this Power greater than myself. My understanding has not grown on an intellectual level, but because of what I have experienced since I turned my life and my will over to the care of God, as I understood, or rather didn’t understand, God.
God is real. Loving. Good. Caring. God wants to give us all the good we can handle. The more we turn our mind and heart toward a positive understanding of God, the more God validates us.
The more we thank God for who God is, who we are, and the exact nature of our present circumstances, the more God acts in our behalf.
In fact, all along, God planned to act in our behalf.
God is Creator, Benefactor, and Source. God has shown me, beyond all else, that how I come to understand God is not nearly as important as knowing that God understands me.
Today, I will be open to growing in my understanding of my Higher Power. I will be open to letting go of old, limiting, negative beliefs about God. No matter how I understand God, I will be grateful that God understands me.
We Are Lovable: July 14
Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.
Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Thinking we are unlovable can sabotage our relationships with co-workers, friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we don’t believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact.
While growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important people in our life. We may have concluded that the reason we weren’t loved was because we were unlovable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one. If others couldn’t love us, or love us in ways that worked, that’s not our fault. In recovery, we’re learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others. And we’re learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us.
Just as we may have believed that we’re unlovable, we can become skilled at practicing the belief that we are lovable. This new belief will improve the quality of our relationships. It will improve our most important relationship: our relationship with our self. We will be able to let others love us and become open to the love and friendship we deserve.
Today, God, help me be aware of and release any self-defeating beliefs I have about being unlovable. Help me begin, today, to tell myself that I am lovable. Help me practice this belief until it gets into my core and manifests itself in my relationships.
Family Buttons: July 15
I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn’t believe I was doing this. I found I didn’t have to be mean. I didn’t have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother—the way I wanted to—not the way she wanted me to.
Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power?
No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative.
One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
Sometimes, it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That’s uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.
The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them.
Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.
We can love our family and still refuse to buy into their issues. We can love our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.
We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.
We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.
Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it’s okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.
Insisting on the Best: July 16
We deserve the best life and love have to offer, but we are each faced with the challenge of learning to identify what that means in our life. We must each come to grips with our own understanding of what we believe we deserve, what we want, and whether we are receiving it.
There is only one place to start, and that is right where we are, in our current circumstances. The place we begin is with us.
What hurts? What makes us angry? What are we whining and complaining about? Are we discounting how much a particular behavior is hurting us? Are we making excuses for the other person, telling ourselves we’re “too demanding”?
Are we reluctant, for a variety of reasons, especially fear, to tackle the issues in our relationships that may be hurting us? Do we know what’s hurting us and do we know that we have a right to stop our pain, if we want to do that?
We can begin the journey from deprived to deserving. We can start it today. We can also be patient and gentle with ourselves, as we travel in important increments from believing we deserve second best, to knowing in our hearts that we deserve the best, and taking responsibility for that.
Today, I will pay attention to how I allow people to treat me, and how I feel about that. I will also watch how I treat others. I will not overreact by taking their issues too personally and too seriously; I will not underreact by denying that certain behaviors are inappropriate and not acceptable to me.
Love, in Words and Actions: July 17
Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about.
Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did.
We may have had a mother or father who said, “I love you” to us, and then abandoned or neglected us, giving us confused ideas about love. Thus that pattern feels like love—the only love we knew.
Some of us may have been cared for by people who provided for our needs and said they loved us, but simultaneously abused or mistreated us. That, then, becomes our idea of love.
Some of us may have lived in emotionally sterile environments, where people said they loved us, but no feelings or nurturing were available. That may have become our idea of love.
We may learn to love others or ourselves the way we have been loved, or we may let others love us the way we have been loved, whether or not that feels good. It’s time to let our needs be met in ways that actually work. Unhealthy love may meet some surface needs, but not our need to be loved.
We can come to expect congruency in behavior from others. We can diminish the impact of words alone and insist that behavior and words match.
We can find the courage, when appropriate, to confront discrepancies in words and actions—not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.
We can give and receive love where behavior matches one’s words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.
Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible. I will watch for discrepancies between words and behaviors that confuse me and make me feel crazy. When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy.
Time to Get Angry: July 18
It’s about time you got angry—yes, that angry.
Anger can be such a potent, frightening emotion. It can also be a feeling that guides us to important decisions, sometimes decisions difficult to make. It can signal other people’s problems, our problems, or simply problems we need to address.
We deny our anger for a variety of reasons. We don’t give ourselves permission to allow it to come into our awareness—at first. Understand that it does not go away; it sits in layers under the surface, waiting for us to become ready, safe, and strong enough to deal with it.
What we may do instead of facing our anger and what it is telling us about self-care, is feel hurt, victimized, trapped, guilty, and uncertain about how to take care of ourselves. We may withdraw, deny, make excuses, and hide our heads in the sand—for a while.
We may punish, get even, whine, and wonder.
We may repeatedly forgive the other person for behaviors that hurt us. We may be afraid that someone will go away if we deal with our anger toward him or her. We may be afraid we will need to go away, if we deal with our anger.
We may simply be afraid of our anger and the potency of it. We may not know we have a right, even a responsibility—to ourselves—to allow ourselves to feel and learn from our anger.
God, help my hidden or repressed angry feelings to surface. Help me have the courage to face them. Help me understand how I need to take care of myself with the people I feel anger toward. Help me stop telling myself something is wrong with me when people victimize me and I feel angry about the victimization. I can trust my feelings to signal problems that need my attention.
Proving It to Ourselves: July 19
I spent a year trying to prove to my husband how much his drinking was hurting me. When I began to recover, I realized I was the one who needed to realize how much his drinking was hurting me.
I spent months trying to prove to a man I was dating how responsible and healthy I was. Then I realized what I was doing. He didn’t need to realize how responsible and healthy I was. I did.
Trying to prove how good we are, trying to prove we’re good enough, trying to show someone how much he or she has hurt us, trying to show someone we’re understanding, are warning signs that we may be into our self-defeating behaviors.
They can be an indication that we are trying to control someone. They can be an indication that we are not believing how good we are, that we’re good enough, that someone is hurting us.
They can be a warning that we’ve allowed ourselves to get hooked into a dysfunctional system. They may indicate that we’re stuck in that cloudy fog of denial or doing something that is not good for us.
Trying excessively to make a point with another may mean that we have not yet made that point with ourselves. Once we make that point with ourselves, once we understand, we will know what to do.
The issue is not about others understanding and taking us seriously. The issue is not about others believing we’re good and good enough. The issue is not about others seeing and believing how responsible or loving or competent we are. The issue is not about whether others realize how deeply we are feeling a particular feeling. We are the ones that need to see the light.
Today, God, help me let go of my need to control outcomes by influencing the beliefs of others. I will concentrate on accepting myself, rather than trying to prove something about myself. If I catch myself in the codependent trap of trying to emphasize something about myself to another, I will ask myself if I need to convince myself of that point.
Letting Go of Resistance: July 20
Do not be in such a hurry to move on.
Relax. Breathe deeply. Be. Be in harmony today.
Be open. There is beauty around and in us today. There is purpose and meaning in today.
There is importance in today—not so much in what happens to us, but in how we respond.
Let today happen. We learn our lessons, we work things out, we change in a simple fashion: by living our life fully today.
Do not worry about tomorrow’s feelings, problems, or gifts. Do not worry about whether we can trust ourselves, life, or our Higher Power tomorrow.
Everything we need today shall be given to us. That is a promise—from God, from the Universe.
Feel today’s feelings. Solve today’s problems. Enjoy today’s gifts. Trust yourself, life, and your Higher Power today.
Acquire the art of living fully today. Absorb the lessons, the healing, the beauty, the love available to us today.
Do not be in such a rush to move on. There is no hurry. We cannot escape; we only postpone. Let the feelings go; breathe in peace and healing.
Do not be in such a hurry to move on.
Today, I will not run from myself, my circumstances, or my feelings. I will be open to myself, others, my Higher Power, and life. I will trust that by facing today to the best of my ability, I will acquire the skills I need to face tomorrow.
Being Is Enough: July 21
We are not always clear about what we are experiencing, or why.
In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing, or discipline—it’s difficult to have perspective.
That’s because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.
Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what’s going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.
If we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose, shall reveal itself—in time, in its own time.
It will all make perfect sense—later.
Today, I will stop straining to know what I don’t know, to see what I can’t see, to understand what I don’t yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.
Learning to Trust Again: July 22
Many of us have trust issues.
Some of us tried long and hard to trust untrustworthy people. Over and again, we believed lies and promises never to be kept. Some of us tried to trust people for the impossible; for instance, trusting a practicing alcoholic not to drink again.
Some of us trusted our Higher Power inappropriately. We trusted God to make other people do what we wanted, then felt betrayed when that didn’t work out.
Some of us were taught that life couldn’t be trusted, that we had to control and manipulate our way through.
Most of us were taught, inappropriately, that we couldn’t trust ourselves.
In recovery, we’re healing from our trust issues. We’re learning to trust again. The first lesson in trust is this: We can learn to trust ourselves. We can be trusted. If others have taught us we cannot trust ourselves, they were lying. Addictions and dysfunctional systems make people lie.
We can learn to appropriately trust our Higher Power—not to make people do what we want them to, but to help us take care of ourselves, and to bring about the best possible circumstances, at the best possible times, in our life.
We can trust the process—of life and recovery. We do not have to control, obsess, or become hypervigilant. We may not always understand where we are going, or what’s being worked out in us, but we can trust that something good is happening.
When we learn to do this, we are ready to learn to trust other people. When we trust our Higher Power and when we trust ourselves, we will know who to trust and what to trust that person for.
Perhaps we always did. We just didn’t listen closely enough to ourselves or trust what we heard.
Today, I will affirm that I can learn to trust appropriately. I can trust myself, my Higher Power, and recovery. I can learn to appropriately trust others too.
Making It Happen: July 23
Stop trying so hard to make it happen.
Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying so about it. Stop trying to force, to manipulate, to coerce, or to make it happen.
Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help things happen. We can do our part. But many of us do much more than our part. We overstep the boundaries from caring and doing our part into controlling, caretaking, and coercing.
Controlling is self-defeating. It doesn’t work. By over-extending ourselves to make something happen, we may actually be stopping it from happening.
Do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony. Then let it go. Just let it go. Force yourself to let it go, if necessary. “Act as if.” Put as much energy into letting go as you have into trying to control. You’ll get much better results.
It may not happen. It may not happen the way we wanted it to and hoped it would. But our controlling wouldn’t have made it happen either.
Learn to let things happen because that’s what they’ll do anyway. And while we’re waiting to see what happens, we’ll be happier and so will those around us.
Today, I will stop forcing things to happen. Instead, I will allow things to happen naturally. If I catch myself trying to force events or control people, I will stop and figure out a way to detach.
Denial: July 24
Denial is a powerful tool. Never underestimate its ability to cloud your vision.
Be aware that, for many reasons, we have become experts at using this tool to make reality more tolerable. We have learned well how to stop the pain caused by reality—not by changing our circumstances, but by pretending our circumstances are something other than what they are.
Do not be too hard on yourself. While one part of you was busy creating a fantasy-reality, the other part went to work on accepting the truth.
Now, it is time to find courage. Face the truth. Let it sink gently in.
When we can do that, we will be moved forward.
God, give me the courage and strength to see clearly.
Keep at It: July 25
Keep practicing your recovery behaviors, even when they feel awkward, even when they haven’t quite taken yet, even if you don’t get it yet.
Sometimes it takes years for a recovery concept to move from our mind into our heart and soul. We need to work at recovery behaviors with the diligence, effort, and repeated practice we applied to codependent behaviors. We need to force ourselves to do things even when they don’t feel natural. We need to tell ourselves we care about ourselves and can take care of ourselves even when we don’t believe what we’re saying.
We need to do it, and do it, and do it—day after day, year after year.
It is unreasonable to expect this new way of life to sink in overnight. We may have to “act as if” for months, years, before recovery behaviors become ingrained and natural.
Even after years, we may find ourselves, in times of stress or duress, reverting to old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
We may have layers of feelings we aren’t ready to acknowledge until years into our recovery. That’s okay! When it’s time, we will.
Do not give up! It takes time to get self-love into the core of us. It takes repeated practice. Time and experience. Lessons, lessons, and more lessons.
Then, just when we think we’ve arrived, we find we have more to learn.
That’s the joy of recovery. We get to keep learning and growing all of our life!
Keep on taking care of yourself, no matter what. Keep on plugging away at recovery behaviors, one day at a time. Keep on loving yourself, even when it doesn’t feel natural. Act as if for as long as necessary, even if that time period feels longer than necessary.
One day, it will happen. You will wake up, and find that what you’ve been struggling with and working so hard at and forcing yourself to do, finally feels comfortable. It has hit your soul.
Then, you go on to learn something new and better.
Today, I will plug away at my recovery behaviors, even if they don’t feel natural. I will force myself to go through the motions even if that feels awkward. I will work at loving myself until I really do.
Owning Our Power: July 26
Don’t you see? We do not have to be so victimized by life, by people, by situations, by work, by our friends, by our love relationships, by our family, by ourselves, our feelings, our thoughts, our circumstances.
We are not victims. We do not have to be victims. That is the whole point!
Yes, admitting and accepting powerlessness is important. But that is a first step, an introduction to this business of recovery. Later, comes owning our power. Changing what we can. This is as important as admitting and accepting powerlessness. And there is so much we can change.
We can own our power, wherever we are, wherever we go, whoever we are with. We do not have to stand there with our hands tied, groveling helplessly, submitting to whatever comes along. There are things we can do. We can speak up. Solve the problem. Use the problem to motivate ourselves to do something good for ourselves.
We can make ourselves feel good. We can walk away. We can come back on our terms. We can stand up for ourselves. We can refuse to let others control and manipulate us.
We can do what we need to do to take care of ourselves. That is the beauty, the reward, the crown of victory we are given in this process called recovery. It is what it is all about!
If we can’t do anything about the circumstance, we can change our attitude. We can do the work within: courageously face our issues so we are not victimized. We have been given a miraculous key to life.
We are victims no more unless we want to be.
Freedom and joy are ours for the taking, for the feeling, for the hard work we have done.
Today, I will remind myself as often as necessary that I am not a victim, and I do not need to be victimized by whatever comes my way. I will work hard to remove myself as a victim, whether that means setting and enforcing a boundary, walking away, dealing with my feelings, or giving myself what I need. God, help me let go of my need to feel victimized.
Letting Go: July 27
Stop trying so hard to control things. It is not our job to control people, outcomes, circumstances, life. Maybe in the past we couldn’t trust and let things happen. But we can now. The way life is unfolding is good. Let it unfold.
Stop trying so hard to do better, be better, be more. Who we are and the way we do things is good enough for today.
Who we were and the way we did things yesterday was good enough for that day.
Ease up on ourselves. Let go. Stop trying so hard.
Today, I will let go. I will stop trying to control everything. I will stop trying to make myself be and do better, and I will let myself be.
Fear: July 28
One day I decided to try something new. I took my ten-year-old son out on the St. Croix River on a Waverunner. A Waverunner is a small boating vehicle resembling a motorcycle.
We donned life jackets and embarked on an experience that turned out to be both exhilarating and frightening: exhilarating when I let myself enjoy it; frightening when I thought too much about what I was doing and all the terrible things that could happen.
Midway through our ride, my worst fear came true. We took a spill. We were floundering in thirty feet of water. The Waverunner was bobbing on the waves in front of me, like a motorized turtle on its back.
“Don’t panic,” my son said calmly.
“What if we drown?” I objected.
“We can’t,” he said. “We have life jackets on. See! We’re floating.”
“The machine is upside down,” I said. “How are we going to turn it over?”
“Just like the man said,” my son answered. “The arrow points this way.”
With an easy gesture, we turned the machine right-side up.
“What if we can’t climb back on?” I asked.
“We can,” my son replied. “That’s what Waverunners were made for: climbing on in the water.”
I relaxed and as we drove off, I wondered why I had become so frightened. I thought maybe it’s because I don’t trust my ability to solve problems. Maybe it’s because once I almost drowned when I wasn’t wearing a life jacket.
But you didn’t drown then either, a small voice inside reassured me. You survived.
Don’t panic.
Problems were made to be solved. Life was made to be lived. Although sometimes we may be in over our heads—yes, we may even go under for a few moments and gulp a few mouthfuls of water, we won’t drown. We’re wearing—and always have been wearing—a life jacket. That support jacket is called “God.”
Today, I will remember to take care of myself. When I get in over my head, God is there supporting me—even when my fears try to make me forget.
Have Some Fun: July 29
Have some fun. Loosen up a bit. Enjoy life!
We do not have to be so somber and serious. We do not have to be so reflective, so critical, so bound up within ourselves and the rigid parameters others, and often ourselves, have placed around us.
This is life, not a funeral service. Have some fun with it. Enter into it. Participate. Experiment. Take a risk. Be spontaneous. Do not always be so concerned about doing it right, doing the appropriate thing.
Do not always be so concerned about what others will think or say. What they think and say are their issues not ours. Do not be so afraid of making a mistake. Do not be so fearful and proper. Do not inhibit yourself so much.
God did not intend us to be so inhibited, so restricted, so controlled. These repressive parameters are what other people have imposed on us, what we have allowed to be done to us.
We were created fully human. We were given emotions, desires, hopes, dreams, feelings. There is an alive, excited, fun-loving child in us somewhere! Let it come out! Let it come alive! Let it have some fun—not just for two hours on Saturday evening. Bring it with us, let it help us enjoy this gift of being alive, being fully human, and being who we are!
So many rules. So much shame we’ve lived with. It simply isn’t necessary. We have been brainwashed. It is time now to free ourselves, let ourselves go, and enter fully human into a full life.
Don’t worry. We will learn our lessons when necessary. We have learned discipline. We will not go awry. What will happen is that we will begin enjoying life. We will begin enjoying and experiencing our whole self. We can trust ourselves. We have boundaries now. We have our program for a foundation. We can afford to experiment and experience. We are in touch with ourselves and our Higher Power. We are being guided, but a frozen, inanimate object cannot be guided. It cannot even be moved.
Have some fun. Loosen up a bit. Break a few rules. We won’t be punished by God. We do not have to allow people to punish us. And we can stop punishing ourselves. As long as we’re here and alive, let’s begin to live.
Today, I will let myself have some fun with life. I will loosen up a bit, knowing I won’t crack and break. God, help me let go of my need to be so inhibited, proper, and repressed. Help me inject a big dose of life into myself by letting myself be fully alive and human.
Accepting Powerlessness: July 30
Since I’ve been a child, I’ve been in an antagonistic relationship with an important emotional part of myself: my feelings. I have consistently tried to either ignore, repress, or force my feelings away. I have tried to create unnatural feelings or force away feelings that were present.
I’ve denied I was angry, when in fact I was furious. I have told myself there must be something wrong with me for feeling angry, when anger was a reasonable and logical response to the situation.
I have told myself things didn’t hurt, when they hurt very much. I have told myself stories such as “That person didn’t mean to hurt me.”… “He or she doesn’t know any better.”… “I need to be more understanding.” The problem was that I had already been too understanding of the other person and not understanding and compassionate enough with myself.
It has not just been the large feelings I have been at war with; I have been battling the whole emotional aspect of myself. I have tried to use spiritual energy, mental energy, and even physical exertion to not feel what I need to feel to be healthy and alive.
I didn’t succeed at my attempts to control emotions. Emotional control has been a survival behavior for me. I can thank that behavior for helping me get through many years and situations where I didn’t have any better options. But I have learned a healthier behavior—accepting my feelings.
We are meant to feel. Part of our dysfunction is trying to deny or change that. Part of our recovery means learning to go with the flow of what we’re feeling and what our feelings are trying to tell us.
We are responsible for our behaviors, but we do not have to control our feelings. We can let them happen. We can learn to embrace, enjoy, and experience—feel—the emotional part of ourselves.
Today, I will stop trying to force and control my emotions. Instead, I will give power and freedom to the emotional part of myself.
Letting Go of What We Want: July 31
For those of us who have survived by controlling and surrendering, letting go may not come easily.
In recovery, we learn that it is important to identify what we want and need. Where does this concept leave us? With a large but clearly identified package of currently unmet wants and needs. We’ve taken the risk to stop denying and to start accepting what we want and need. The problem is, the want or need hangs there, unmet.
This can be a frustrating, painful, annoying, and sometimes obsession-producing place to be.
After identifying our needs, there is a next step in getting our wants and needs met. This step is one of the spiritual ironies of recovery. The next step is letting go of our wants and needs after we have taken painstaking steps to identify them.
We let them go, we give them up—on a mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical level. Sometimes, this means we need to give up. It is not always easy to get to this place, but this is usually where we need to go.
How often I have denied a want or need, then gone through the steps to identify my needs, only to become annoyed, frustrated, and challenged because I don’t have what I want and don’t know how to get it. If I then embark on a plan to control or influence getting that want or need met, I usually make things worse. Searching, trying to control the process, does not work. I must, I have learned to my dismay, let go.
Sometimes, I even have to go to the point of saying, “I don’t want it. I realize it’s important to me, but I cannot control obtaining that in my life. Now, I don’t care anymore if I have it or not. In fact, I’m going to be absolutely happy without it and without any hope of getting it, because hoping to get it is making me nuts—the more I hope and try to get it, the more frustrated I feel because I’m not getting it.”
I don’t know why the process works this way.
I know only that this is how the process works for me. I have found no way around the concept of letting go.
We often can have what we really want and need, or something better. Letting go is part of what we do to get it.
Today, I will strive to let go of those wants and needs that are causing me frustration. I will enter them on my goal list, then struggle to let go. I will trust God to bring me the desires of my heart, in God’s time and in God’s way.