Chapter Twenty-Four

 

<><> Miriam <><>

 

Babysitting with Chris last night was eye-opening. He was so good with the baby and it made me pine for a future with him. I sometimes wonder what our kids would look like if we had any. What would we name them? How many would we have? Silly, unrealistic thoughts about a future that probably won’t happen. Still, it’s fun to daydream and imagine it, like my form of escape. I need a little escape right now.

Mom is sleeping more than ever. I worked a shift at the pool this morning, spent some time with her this afternoon, and then she suggested I go out and have a good time while she sleeps. I refused, but she insisted that I go. I wasn’t about to argue and drain her energy even more.

“You need to let loose and get carried away, honey.” This is Mom’s advice, an exact quote.

I rarely drink, always serving as everyone’s designated driver. Like tonight, I swung around to pick up Bailey after her rehearsal at the theatre and then went around to pick up Halton and Ryan. We’re heading over to Club Bliss to meet up with the rest of Halton’s crew. Ryan and I are still friends. I was clear on my expectations before my prom weeks ago, and since then, he has been civil, so I can’t complain. In fact, he has already moved on to another girl, so no big deal. Guys are resilient chameleons, especially at our age. There’s always someone new waiting around the corner. To be honest, this new girl is perfect for him. She’s tiny and cute and alternative and quirky. They’re a match made in Hipster heaven.

“Are we meeting Riley at the club?” I ask. Riley is Ryan’s new girl. Ryan and Riley — even their names coincide.

“Not tonight. Not when I’m doing a little recreation.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, craning into the rearview mirror to see what Ryan and Halton are doing in the backseat of my mom’s car. They’re hunched over and preoccupied.

Bailey turns. “Where did you get those?”

I spy Halton look up apologetically. “Bay, don’t be mad. It’s a summer thing. I’m just having a bit of fun and I promise to be careful.”

“Fun! Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

There’s a silent tension in the car. Bailey never swears, so she clearly means business.

“Don’t worry, we can handle it. It’s just one pill. Besides, Ryan does this all the time.”

“What are they?” I demand.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ryan says with a trace of vengeful venom. Okay, so maybe things aren’t as civil as I want to believe they are. Ryan was quite angry when he heard I’m seeing Chris Loman instead of him. Halton said he couldn’t understand why.

“You’re taking drugs in my car. I think I will worry about it, thanks.”

“Where did you get them?” Bailey’s eyes are steely and I can tell she’s livid. “Tell me!” she screams.

I grip the wheel tighter in my shock. I’ve never seen her this upset.

“It was the only place I knew to get something,” Halton confesses.

Bailey’s face transforms from anger to deep sadness. “You bought these from Lee?”

Ryan nods.

Bailey fumes while crumbling. She turns around in her seat and crosses her arms in a kind of self-embrace. Her face is red and her silence means she’s about to either snap or cry since this news is like a blow to her senses. Lee is Bailey’s older brother and he hasn’t made life easy for himself. He came out last year, throwing Bailey and her parent’s world upside down because they hadn’t seen it coming, but they embrace it now and support his decision. Coming from a privileged upbringing with massive expectations, Lee has had his battles with drugs over the years and actually did a stint in rehab not that long ago. The fact that Lee is still selling drugs indicates that he is probably doing them as well. Bailey loves her brother so much, it must be heartbreaking to suddenly learn that he has fallen off the wagon and is selling drugs to none other than her own boyfriend. I can see Bailey doesn’t quite know where to direct her anger.

I check the rearview again and see the guys put the pills back in the plastic pouch, holding off until later — until they’re out of Bailey’s sight.

“Change of plans,” Bailey suddenly hollers.

Halton bangs the back of her headrest dramatically. “Oh, come on, Bay, don’t freak out.”

Bailey turns to me, ignoring him. “Miri, we have to go to Club Marcella right now.”

I look over, searching her face and knowing not to disagree. At the next intersection, I turn right instead of left and take us where I’m told.

“Let us out,” Halton instructs.

“Fine!” Bailey says without turning around.

I take my cue and ease over to the curb. The boys jump out and slam the door just as I peel away. At this point, all I want to do is go home and check up on Mom, but I know Bailey needs me now. I know she needs information and Lee is the only one who can give it. My carefree night out has turned into a vengeful sibling witch-hunt. Could this be the end of Bailey and Halton? A girl can hope.

We’re now heading over to Buffalo’s largest LGBT bar and dance club to find Lee.

“He’s not answering his phone.”

“How do you know he’s at Club Marcella?”

“Where else would he be? He practically lives there now that he’s out.”

I pull into the parking lot across the street. Walking briskly to keep up with Bailey, we pass several guys dressed in drag and a few who are impeccable and suave, right down to meticulously groomed eyebrows. It seems like everyone here is on the prowl yet I’ve never felt safer in all my life. I wonder what Chris and his friends would think of a place like this.

“Hold on, girls,” says the bouncer.

Bailey ignores the order and waltzes right by the line. “No. I’m looking for Lee and I’m going in.”

Whether it’s her tone, the fact that Bailey and I have been here before, or that everyone in Buffalo knows Lee Ulrikson, the bouncer steps aside and lets us storm the building without question.

We emerge from a long crowded entryway into a massive room the size of a small stadium. The place is packed to capacity. How will we ever find Lee? Techno music strikes my eardrums and it’s thrilling and overwhelming.

“Have you seen Lee Ulrikson?” Bailey shouts at the nearest person, a guy dressed in a shimmering blue halter-top wearing a yellow bowler hat. I’m fascinated and can’t help staring in awe.

The guy points and we head off in that direction. We leave the dance floor and walk toward an area with semi-circular banquettes where people can relax and watch everyone dance.

“Have you seen Lee Ulrikson?” Bailey shouts to some sweaty shirtless guy and again the guy points.

We zero in on the banquettes, seeing Lee with his arm around some guy.

“Lee!” Bailey hollers.

Lee looks up all confused, and then a smile lights up his face. He’s very blond, blue eyed, and very much an Ulrikson. They all have that dewy, Swedish look going on.

“Bailey, what are you doing here!” He gets up and brings her into an affectionate hug, but Bailey’s as straight as a pole. “This is my friend, Nathan.” Lee thumbs over his shoulder.

“Hey!” Nathan waves.

Lee leans toward Bailey. “He’s the one I was telling you about.”

As he leans out, I detect a slight sway. Lee seems a little out of it and Bailey seems to notice too.

“Have you been drinking?” she asks.

Lee laughs, “No.”

“You’re on something, aren’t you?”

Lee shakes his head and chuckles, dismissing her accusations.

“Lee, we have to talk.”

“What’s wrong?” It’s as if he suddenly notices her mood. Took him long enough.

“You sold my boyfriend drugs, that’s what’s wrong!”

He pauses, as if debating what to say. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad.”

“Don’t tell Mom and Dad? That’s all you have to say for yourself? Are you doing drugs again?”

Lee shakes his head. “No, no, of course not.”

Bailey stares at him skeptically. “Then why are you selling?”

“To make money.”

“From my boyfriend? Why the hell would you do something like that?”

Lee laughs louder, all animated. He is definitely on something. “Seriously, Bay? You do understand that those private school boys are my best customers, right? They’re the ones with the most disposable income.”

A strange looking guy comes over, hovering around Bailey and Lee.

“Mikey, what’s up?”

“Lee, can I…” The guy whispers in Lee’s ear.

“Wait a second, okay Mikey?” Lee turns to Bailey, placing his hands on her shoulders. “You and Miriam go and dance. I need to talk to Mikey for a second. Come back in a few minutes.”

I can tell Bailey doesn’t like this plan, but Lee gives her a pleading look and she honors his request. Lee and Mikey slide into the banquette as Bailey and I circle the dance floor, not in the mood to participate. Instead, we watch. There’s nothing I can say to ease Bailey’s temper, but I try. “I’m sorry, Bay.”

“Mom and Dad are going to go insane.”

“You’ll tell them?”

“What choice do I have? It’s for his own protection.”

We circle around one more time, giving Lee the time he needs to make a deal. I assume that’s what he’s doing with Mikey, though I have no idea about this kind of thing. I don’t want to know either.

Back at the table, we slide in beside Lee and Nathan. Mikey is already long gone.

“Is it me or is this room closing in on us?” Lee asks suddenly. He doesn’t seem to be able to focus clearly and he’s slurring his words. I’ve never seen him act like this, like he’s drunk although he never drinks.

“What did Mikey give you?” Nathan asks.

“Give you? I thought you were selling to him?” Bailey looks horrified.

“He’s one of my suppliers. I had to try the merchandise,” Lee says and then turns to Nathan. “I think Mikey gave me a bad hit!”

Nathan sits up taller. “Lee, you don’t look good.”

“Ripped off and left for dead. Fuck,” Lee sways in his seat a little. “I have to lay down,” he stammers and slumps beside Bailey, practically falling into her lap.

“Lee!” Bailey shouts. His eyes are closed now. “Lee!”

“Yeah?” His head comes up and then lolls back against the plush banquette.

“Maybe you need some air.”

“Yeah, okay,” he slurs.

I can tell something isn’t right and judging by Bailey’s look of concern, she knows something isn’t right.

“Nathan,” Bailey shouts to Lee’s friend, “can you help me get him up?”

The three of us hoist Lee to his feet as the techno music pulses and strobe lights bounce off the walls. It’s like being in a funhouse with gyrating pretty people all around me, squeezing in and out. As we’re practically dragging him upright, his knees buckle and it takes all of our strength to keep him standing. He gains his balance and lets Bailey guide him by the hand toward the front of the club. A few people pat him on the shoulder, one guy shouting, “You’re not lookin’ so good, sweet thang!”

That’s the understatement of the year. I can’t believe how fast Lee’s condition is worsening. “What did you take back there?” I shout, but he’s too far gone to hear me.

Bailey asks the same question, but she too is ignored, so we keep moving him to the fresh air. We stagger out of the club and onto the sidewalk beside the now snaking line of people waiting to get in. We hear someone shout Lee’s name, but he’s too out of it to understand. Leaning against Bailey, he suddenly looks up with wild eyes that are so dilated they look solid black. He’s pale, like all the life is draining out of him.

“I don’t feel so good,” he says and then bends at the waist and vomits all over the sidewalk before collapsing.

“Lee!” Bailey puts her hands on his cheeks and straightens his head. His eyes are rolling back in a really weird way that makes my heart skip. Something is really wrong with this picture.

“Call an ambulance!” I scream at the bouncer.

“Hold on, Lee, hold on!”

 

 

The mood in the waiting room at the hospital is quiet and somber, aside from the beeping of machines and the nurses’ quick footsteps on the linoleum. I’ve already had my share of hospitals with my mom, so I know to keep silent and let the staff do what they’re trained to do in this situation. I’m here to support my friend. The Ulriksons arrived an hour ago, just after Bailey’s frantic call informing them that we were in the back of an ambulance with Lee on the way to Emergency.

“Mr. And Mrs. Ulrikson?” asks a doctor from the doorway.

“Yes?” Holly says.

He makes eye contact with Holly and her husband, Jake, and comes closer as the four of us stand. “Your son is in stable condition. We had to pump his stomach. If he hadn’t vomited earlier, it may have been too late. He most likely would have overdosed.”

Holly gasps, “I can’t believe this is happening again. And all this time I thought he was clean. Lee has been to rehab.”

“I know,” says the doctor. “I read his chart.”

“What should we do?” Jake asks.

“It’s not uncommon for young people to relapse, especially when constantly in an environment where friends are doing drugs. I can’t tell you the number of kids I see in here time and again, even after rehab. Perhaps a longer program is necessary.” The doctor looks apologetic, not wanting to offend already shaken parents.

“Thank you, doctor. Can we see him now?”

“He’s down the hall.”

Jake turns to Bailey and I. “Do you mind if Mom and I have a word with Lee alone? I’ll come back and get you soon.”

“Sure,” says Bailey.

Holly and Jake follow the doctor out of the waiting room as Bailey and I sit again. Bailey’s eyes fill with tears. I can tell she’s relieved, yet angry and confused at the same time.

“I’m sorry, Bay,” I say, reaching out and giving her a side hug.

She sniffles, “He’ll have to go to rehab again, probably far away this time. This can’t be happening again. Why does he keep doing this?”

“I don’t know,” I say, because I really, really don’t. I’ve never had an addiction. I’m sure it’s excruciatingly difficult to overcome. “I know you’re scared, Bay. I’m scared too.”

 

 

Tonight has been the shortest, most anxiety-filled night out of my life. I thought Lee was going to die in front of me on the sidewalk and I realized how unprepared I am to see that happen; to see death take its toll. Walking softly into mom’s room, I find her lying in bed, propped up with pillows and channel surfing. I crawl in beside her and tell her all about Lee’s 'almost' overdose.

“Promise me that drugs will never pass your lips or enter your veins. I know I’m always going on about having fun and letting loose, but drugs are definitely not what I have in mind for you, honey. Promise me.”

“I promise. It’s greedy to throw your life away, especially when people are dying when they want to live,” I say, and Mom picks up on my resentment.

“Addiction can be so cruel. It’s not Lee’s fault by this point. He probably can’t stop even if he wants to. He has to get professional help again. Sometimes it takes a dozen times before something clicks and a person is ready to stop for good. If he can survive this, this might be the best thing that has ever happened to him. This might save his life.” Mom glances over at her alarm clock. “It’s only ten. Not quite the night out you had in mind, huh? Want to stay up late and watch a movie to forget about all the bad in the world for a while?”

“You mean be a turtle? Sounds good to me.”

“Come here.” Mom pulls me closer and aims the remote at the television. “Lets see what kind of escapism we’ve got.” She scrolls down the movie genres. “Aha, here we go. How about a little Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn and the ever dashing Gregory Peck?”

“Never heard of it.”

Mom shoots me a look. “Really? You don’t remember me holding you hostage and making you watch it with me when you were little?”

“Nope.”

“Good. You’re going to love it.”

 

~ ~ ~ ~

 

Even after everything she went through last night with Lee, Holly still took Mom to the Haematologist this morning. She’s the very definition of a worthy friend, but I also think she wanted to talk to mom about what happened, to vent a little.

I know Mom’s in good hands as I take it easy in the backyard. She gets the test results back today and she didn’t want me there in case of bad news, which annoys me but I understand. As a mom, she’s trying to protect me. If the test shows the cancer has disappeared, we’ll do some celebrating tonight and I’ll be able to relax a little. She’ll officially be in remission, which means no traces of active cancer anymore. Then she’ll be monitored for a few months to make sure she’s in the clear, because the cancer can sometimes come back in the same place or, as was my mom’s case last time, grow in another part of your body.

Lying in the lounge chair and getting some sun before I have to head over to the pool for my afternoon shift, I let my mind drift to Chris, which is always the ultimate distraction. After spending time with him in the tent, he’s all I can think about. The way he ran his hands over my body, how his touch made me feel safe and protected, yet respected and cherished. He was so careful, almost apprehensive. It made me want him even more. Is it wrong to want a boy like this when I’m dealing with my mom’s health issues? It seems a little selfish just thinking about Chris at a time like this. How is there room in my heart for Chris when it’s in pain, when it’s slowly breaking over my mom’s suffering? Maybe my new love for Chris is what’s keeping my heart from falling to pieces, like glue holding it all together and giving it purpose. Maybe that’s all it ever was — a way to hold onto feeling alive, feeling there is something ahead in the future for me. Otherwise, what’s the point in going on by myself?

At the sound of Holly’s car pulling into the driveway, I gather up my sunscreen, water, and book and venture inside. I dump everything on the dining table just as Holly and Mom come through the front door. I can tell something’s wrong the second I see their faces. My first thought is that something happened to Lee, and then I notice how Holly throws a firm, protective arm around Mom and guides her into the living room. My skin gets goose bumps as I stand catatonic in my bikini, vulnerable and raw to the information that is about to change my life.

“What did the doctor say?” I pull my sundress on and hurry toward the couch, joining them — bracing myself. They are far too silent. “Mom, please tell me. I can handle it.”

Mom smiles, but there are tears in her eyes and the way she’s squeezing Holly’s hand, I know it must be bad. I sit down beside her and she turns slightly away from Holly, giving me her full attention. Mom looks me right in the eyes. “Honey, the cancer spread, and…”

Panic rises to my windpipe. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear those words.

“It’s terminal,” she chokes and sobs.

“No,” I say, or maybe I screamed it. “No!” I am going to lose my mom. The fallout of this revelation has me practically hyperventilating. She is still so young, with so much life to live. I wrap my arms round her and we stay like that for a long time. I wish I could hold her like this forever, never letting go.