Chapter Twenty-Seven

 

<><> Chris <><>

 

My phone buzzes around the coffee table as Jackie’s dusting it. She picks it up, glancing at the caller’s name as she walks it over to me. “Jacinta? Who’s Jacinta?”

I take the phone knowing something horrible has happened. Why else would she be calling me. “Chris, it’s Jacinta. Miriam’s mom died.”

“I’ll be right there.”

I click off the phone, shove it in my back pocket, and grab my keys. I can’t get out of the house fast enough.

“Honey, what is it?” Jackie calls out the front door as I’m heading toward my truck.

“Miriam’s mom. She’s gone.”

I speed down Delaware toward Miriam’s neighborhood wishing I had a teleporter so I can beam myself over there. I have to get to her now!

I park beside the curb. There’s an ambulance and two other cars parked in the driveway. I recognize Jacinta’s.

On the front porch, I pause at the door wondering if I should knock, then I open it and walk in, not wanting to disturb anyone. As I walk into the living room, everyone turns to look at me and it’s as if the room holds its breath. There’s this eerie calm and all I hear are sniffles. Then Miriam gets up and rushes toward me, wrapping her arms around my waist. I hug her back, closing my eyes and wishing I could take her pain away. This is so new territory for me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper in her ear as she sobs gently against me. “I’m so, so sorry.”

 

 

A coroner pronounces Mrs.Pritchard and everyone cries as her body is taken out on a stretcher. She’s covered in a white sheet and the image will be forever burned on my memory. It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Jacinta pulls Miriam close as she sobs inconsolably against her, the silence of the space heavy and smothering. This is so surreal I feel numb. I can’t even imagine how Miriam’s feeling right now.

We all sit in the living room and let Miriam cry and talk. She asks direct questions about what she should do now and who she should contact about the arrangements. Mrs. King reminds Miriam that her mom made plans and that she doesn’t have to worry about a thing.

When Miriam goes to the kitchen to call her dad again, Mrs. King and Mrs. Ulrikson strip Mrs. Pritchard’s bed and replace the sheets and duvet cover so that Miriam doesn’t have to be reminded of finding her mom that way. The act seems so final, like covering the evidence, but I guess that’s the point. These kinds of things must happen every day, death and dealing with it I mean, but it’s funny how it’s never talked about and seems so random and rare.

Jacinta, Bailey and I sit around in a haze of uncertainty, not quite sure what to do in this kind of situation. I know I sure as hell don’t know what to do. Should I even be here? Am I in the way?

“Should I go?” I ask Bailey privately.

She shakes her head. “No, you should stay. Can you?”

I nod, not sure I should stay, but I will.

Half an hour passes and Miriam looks exhausted. Do I have the right to ask everyone to leave so she can sleep? No, I don’t, so I stay quiet. And then it’s as if she reads my mind.

“Thank you for being here with me. I love you all so much. It’s hard to believe she’s gone, I…” Miriam sobs into her hands and we wait patiently. “I’m sorry, but I have to go to sleep for a while. I’m so tired.”

“Do you need us to stay? Or would you feel better coming home with us?” Jacinta asks.

Miriam looks serious, “No, I just want to be alone for a little while, surrounded by my mom’s stuff.”

“We understand, Miri.” Mrs. King reaches over and squeezes Miriam’s hand.

Mrs. Ulrikson gets up and hugs her. “Call us if you need us. Don’t you worry about a thing. You aren’t alone, honey. Nunny and I will take care of everything.”

“Thank you,” is all she can manage.

“Get some rest. I’ll come back later,” Jacinta says.

“Me too,” says Bailey.

All four ladies get up and walk towards the front door. I follow closely behind them, about to leave when Miriam grabs my hand and holds it tight — holding me in place. She waves as they leave, shutting the door behind them.

It’s just the two of us. The house is dark and quiet and it’s intense. I’m not sure what to do. Miriam faces me and we stare at each other.

“I’m really scared, Chris. I don’t want to be alone.”

I put my arm around her shoulders and bring her close, trying to comfort her. This is new for me too, this comforting thing, but also death itself. I’ve never lost anyone important to me before. “I’m here, Miriam, and I’m not going anywhere.”

She rests her head against my jaw as I pull her closer, wanting to show her how much I care about her. It’s hard for me to tell her, so I’ll show her instead. I turn her chin up and kiss her softly. She lets me, maybe wanting me to.

“Then, you’ll stay?” Her voice is all raspy from crying and it’s breaking my heart.

“As long as you need me to. Promise.” This fierce need to protect her sweeps over me like some tsunami wave. I can’t even remember what my life was like before I met this girl. She is so special now, my reason for breathing. I’ve finally fallen hard and know what all the fuss is about. I’m finally – for the very first time ever – in love. It’s scary and amazing all at the same time and I swear I never want it to end.

She shuffles to her mom’s room, pulls back the freshly made covers and crawls in, pulling her legs up and wrapping her arms around her knees. She looks so lost, like an abandoned kid. I feel helpless, like I want to take her troubles away, but I know it’s impossible to make it all better. Only time can do that. So instead, I just stay. I pull the blanket over her and sit in the oversized chair in the corner. I can’t even imagine what I’d do if I lost Jackie to cancer. It would kill me. At least I’d have Kyle and Uncle Terry. Miriam has practically no one. She’s so young to have to go through this shit. Life isn’t fair and it makes me so angry.

After she falls asleep, I go into the living room and call Al. I tell him I have to take a couple of days off, which he understands. Miriam stays in bed for the next twenty-four hours and I bring her food, keep her covered, answer the phone; you name it, I do it. Every so often, both Bailey and Jacinta drop by to take their turn with her, just spending time and showing their support. They’re just checking in, giving Miriam their love, and then respecting her wishes for privacy. I take advantage of one of these switch-offs to race home and fill a small suitcase with clothes, my toothbrush, and a book. I have no idea how long this will take, but I’m willing to stay as long as she needs me.

Sometimes the three of us sit in the living room talking while Miriam sleeps. They’re as concerned about her as I am, about what’ll happen to her now.

“She’ll have to sell this house,” says Bailey in whispers.

“She can always move in with us until she can find a place of her own,” says Jacinta. “Or I’m sure the University will take her circumstances into consideration. They’ll have to make room for her in the student residence somehow.”

“You think she’ll still go?” asks Bailey.

“Not if she moves to her dad’s place in Connecticut. He’s kind of insisting that she goes there.”

As Bailey says this, my heart sinks to the floor. Miriam hasn’t mentioned this info to me yet. Maybe because it’ll never happen or maybe because she’s afraid of upsetting me. I think if she moved away now my world would end. “When did he ask her to move?”

Bailey and Jacinta both stare at me. “She hasn’t told you?”

“No.”

“Sorry, Chris, we thought you knew.”

“Would she do that, move to Connecticut?”

“I think it may be her only choice at this point, at least for a year.”

“Unless she moves in with us. Will she ever feel normal again?” Jacinta asks.

Bailey stares off at something, lost in thought. “No. She lost her mom. There’s no such thing as normal anymore.”

 

~ ~ ~ ~

 

On the afternoon of the third day, Jackie comes over with a pan of lasagna, salad, rolls, and dessert. She mulls around in the kitchen, washing the dishes, wiping down the counter, and taking inventory of what’s in the fridge. She writes a shopping list and tucks it into her purse and then she’s gone again, returning an hour later and filling Miriam’s fridge with essentials. She’s doing what she can to help in her own way without being intrusive. I love Jackie so much it hurts.

Mrs. King and Mrs. Ulrikson also come by. I hear them discussing things and talking on the phone with the funeral director as I lay with Miriam, talking quietly and holding her when she breaks down. Sometimes she talks like everything’s normal, and then she remembers that her mom is gone and she starts crying again. It’s so strange that I’m the one in the position to comfort her. We haven’t been together long, but for some reason we’re holding on tight. Maybe it’s because I happen to be here when she needs someone. Not sure, but whatever the reason, I’m sticking around and she’s letting me.

The doorbell rings a few times and I answer it, taking hot dishes wrapped in foil from neighbors and friends. Food and flowers seem to be everyone’s way of saying they’re sorry. Even Kyle and Bettina bring over a large bouquet of flowers and a card, handing it to me to give to her quietly. Handling this for Miriam and being the gatekeeper so she isn’t disturbed makes me feel like I have an important purpose in her life, like I’m doing my part to keep her safe and secure. Letting her sleep in peace and taking on the onslaught of visitors and donations makes me feel like a real grown-up — which I am. Lets face it, I’ve been hiding from that fact for a while now. Have I ever acknowledged it? No, I haven’t, so now it’s time to start. No more spinning my wheels stagnant. I’m hungry for change, for progress. And now, after being this close to death, I want to live my life pure and to the fullest. There’s no going back. Fuck, it’s like being born again — minus the church mumbo-jumbo. I have a new need for my own success and happiness. I know deep down Miriam is part of that equation, part of my future.

 

 

On the fourth morning, Miriam’s Aunt Rhonda arrives from Chicago. Supposedly, Mrs. Pritchard and her sister weren’t that close, at least that’s what Jacinta says over her shoulder as the three of us watch the airport limo pull into the driveway. She’s here to help Mrs. King and Mrs. Ulrikson with the funeral arrangements. Miriam’s mom had everything in order, so any stress over planning things is minimal.

We open the door for her and she comes in with a worried look on her face, like finding us here wasn’t part of her plan. We introduce ourselves and then she says something I didn’t expect to hear.