Chapter Thirty

 

<><> Miriam <><>

 

After Chris spends another night with me, I realize I could easily get used to being this way with him forever. Last night we talked about my plans for moving forward and without saying it outright, he tried to convince me to stay by suggesting ways it might work, but I’m still overwhelmed by everything.

Kissing Chris goodbye and waving as he leaves for work, I turn my attention to packing up some of my mom’s belongings for donation when the phone rings. It’s Dad…again. His phone calls serve as gentle reminders that I have to make a decision. He knows it. I know it. Now it’s just a matter of doing it.

“Miriam, you know you’re welcome here. I’ve made up the spare room for you and cleared out the closet. The room is yours until you leave for school next year. There are plenty of places for you to get a part-time job to make some extra money and stay out of trouble,” says Dad.

Does he actually think I’ll get into trouble? Does he even know me?

“Lindsay wants you here too,” Dad adds to seal the deal, like Lindsay’s approval will make me jump at the opportunity.

“I’m still considering it, Dad. I appreciate the offer.”

“Is the house up for sale yet?”

“No.”

“You should think about doing that soon. Now is the time to sell. Don’t want to wait until the weather turns cold because people tend to stay where they are after that happens.”

“Okay.”

“Do you need me to come and help with packing stuff up?’

“No. I have Holly and Nunny and my friends.” You’re willing to come and help me pack yet you didn’t attend Mom’s funeral?

“Aren’t your friends leaving for school?”

“Yes, in two weeks.”

“And what about this boy you’ve told me about, can he help you move?”

“I haven’t mentioned moving yet. I’m still trying to figure out what to do.”

“There really isn’t any other way, honey, you know that.”

“Yes, Dad, Aunt Rhonda has been over this already.”

“Then maybe you should too. Think about it and get back to me. I’ll arrange everything.”

“Okay. Bye.”

Placing the phone on the receiver, I bite my thumbnail in my hazy confusion. Yes, his offer is tempting, but something doesn’t sit right with me. Why does moving in with my dad feel like regressing or running away? I can’t fight back my nagging doubts. The ringing doorbell pulls me out of my confusion.

“I have news,” Jacinta announces as I open the door.

“Jacinta,” I smile. “Bailey!” I smile even wider when I spot her climbing the porch stairs. Two for the price of one!

My friends rush into the house to save me from sudden despair if it’s the last thing they do. They’re determined, I can tell. Jacinta turns to stare me down. She reaches out and places her hands gently on my shoulders, preparing me for her announcement. “We’re going on a holiday – you, me, and Bailey. We’re going to Jamaica!”

The only sound and movement I experience is Bailey clapping and jumping up and down in her excitement. I remain calm. Too calm.

“Miri, did you hear me?”

I nod. Can I do that? Just leave? What about the house, the bills, the security? Someone might break in and steal everything that my mom left behind. Who will water the plants, bring in the paper, and collect the mail? I can’t just take off like my friends – and practically everyone else my age. “How long are you going?”

“You mean how long are we going. Five days and you have to come with us. My aunt and uncle have offered their condo and my parents promote the trip as a spontaneous graduation gift. It’ll be our very last hurrah before we all go our separate ways.”

Jacinta is referring to her acceptance to Stanford and Bailey’s acceptance to Rutgers. “When you say ‘we all go our separate ways’, do you mean me going to my dad’s?”

“That depends on you. I still think you should consider it. It might be a second chance at a proper relationship with him.”

“Will you come to Jamaica then?” begs Bailey.

This may be the last chance I get to hang out with my girls and pretend everything is normal. Would my mom have done something this spontaneous at my age? “Yes, absolutely!”

 

 

When Chris swings around after work, telling him about my plans to jet off to Jamaica is easier than I thought it would be.

“When do you leave?”

I hesitate. “Tonight.”

“Tonight?”

I nod, amazed that I’ve gone ahead and done this. “I should go, right?”

Chris looks at me intently, his eyes like mirrors bouncing back what I already know. “Yes, go. What’ve you got to lose, right? It might be fun.”

He’s so impulsive – always living in the moment. It’s easy for me to get swept up in the idea. He’s always willing to encourage others to take a chance. I now know he gets that from his optimistic mom. Funny thing is, he doesn’t seem to take any chances when it comes to his own life. “I wish you could come too.”

“Yeah, that would be sweet, but maybe we can go somewhere another time. Together. Just the two of us.”

This idea sparks my interest. “I’d really like that.”

“We’ll talk when you get back, make some plans.”

A jolt of nerves tugs at my stomach. “Sounds good. I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

I hug him tight, not wanting to let go, not wanting to leave in case it breaks this momentum we seem to have going. I’m fully committed to Chris in my heart, but my head is telling me to be practical. Attaching myself to anyone right now may be pointless. What happens if Chris breaks up with me in a month or two? I’ll be left in Buffalo without my friends, without school, without my mom…back at square one. I can’t let that happen.

 

~ ~ ~ ~

 

Humidity invades every cell on our bodies as the taxi drops us off in front of our private Jamaican condo. The place is modern and tidy and all ours for five glorious days.

We drop our bags onto the living room floor and run for the balcony. Pushing open the doors, the salty air blows our hair back as the sound of rushing waves crashes on the shore down below.

“This place is amazing!” Bailey coos.

“Just amazing,” I second.

“I’m so happy my aunt and uncle came through for us!” Jacinta says. “I haven’t been here in three years. I feel like I’m home!”

Bailey and I laugh as Jay spins around and then hugs us. It feels so good to laugh and be carefree.

“Lets hit the beach!”

I can tell Jacinta is in her element here, all relaxed and comfortable as we walk down a sloping path that leads to golden sand. Her slight Jamaican accent becomes more pronounced as she greets some of the locals. She claims to want to move back here someday, though after attending Stanford and then law school, I doubt that will happen. Still, she fits right in naturally.

“We have to rent one of those!” Jacinta points to the standing paddle boards skimming across the clear tropical water at a distance. “You too, Bailey. I know how you feel about water, but…”

“Not water! I don’t have a problem showering.”

“Then what, swimming?”

“No, I don’t like being cold and wet, that’s all.”

“We’re in Jamaica. This water is warm and tropical,” I inform.

“Maybe you and Jay can paddle board while I soak up the sun on the hot dry sand.” Bailey stops walking, “Speaking of which, this looks like the perfect spot.”

We lay out our beach towels side by side and settle in. I score and get the middle, feeling peace and contentment when surrounded by my besties. I slather sunscreen on and stretch out, prepared to fry like bacon in the sizzling sun. The three of us pull out our iPods, pop in the ear buds and chill out with eyes closed and loving every second of being away. I’ve loaded a few songs on mine that Chris recommended – songs I wouldn’t normally listen to on my own. When one comes on every once in a while, I can’t help but smile when I think about him, but a big part of me feels a temporary, fleeting panic like something’s going to change when I get back.

Propping myself up on an elbow, I look out at the powerboats on the horizon, the swaying palm trees bristling in the gentle breeze. I’m doing a lot of soul searching. I’m still so young, and my dad really wants me there. It would make things much easier if I could live with him for a while. It’s good to be thinking about these kinds of things when I’m feeling calm and relaxed. I have a clearer perspective without my heart getting in the way.

“So, Miri, we need to talk about Chris.”

I was feeling calm and relaxed. I sit up a little more, bracing myself for bad news since Jacinta’s tone is a warning. Why do I suddenly feel like this conversation was planned all along?

“What about him?”

“You guys are hot and heavy. Bailey and I want to know if you’ll stay in Buffalo for him.”

“I don’t know.”

“You’ve told him about the possibility of moving to your dad’s, right?”

“Yes.”

Bailey leans in. “And? What did he say?”

“He doesn’t want me to go, but he didn’t ask me to stay.”

“Maybe he doesn’t want to pressure you,” Jacinta says.

“Listen, I would love for things to get serious with him, but part of me wonders if he feels sorry for me because of my mom. I can’t seem to get him out of my head, but I know I have to be realistic. How can I expect a twenty-two-year-old guy to want to settle down?”

Bailey nods. “You’re right, it’s asking the impossible. I mentioned moving in with Halton when we go to University and he flat out refused. And then we had that fight about him taking recreational drugs and things haven’t been the same between us. I don’t even know if I want to be with him anymore.”

“Yeah, but Halton’s younger than Chris.” Jacinta gives me one of her 'now you listen to me' looks. “I think twenty-two is plenty old enough to know what you want. It’s not like you have to marry the guy. It’s just moving in together. You should think about it.”

“Yeah, but…” Bailey pauses as we look at her. “I think you need a fresh start, Miri, that’s all I’m saying. Maybe you’re right, Chris could be feeling sorry for you.”

“That’s harsh, Bay. It’s one thing if Miri says it.”

“Yeah, but it could be true!” Bailey looks at me squarely. “You said it yourself. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re clinging to him for comfort, like you’re using each other? Moving to Connecticut will give you a new perspective on what you want…and what you don’t want. And what about school? You’ll have to decide about that too.”

Jacinta’s eyes follow two hunky Jamaican guys as they strut through the sand in front of us. Their eyes are on her too. “Yeah, what about school?” she says out of the corner of her mouth, not once taking her eyes off the prize.

“The prospect of starting my concurrent degree in teaching in two weeks has me feeling panicked.”

“We get it. It’s not quitting or a failure to take a step back and reassess.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to start just yet.”

“Then waiting is definitely the right idea. Take a year to think it through, work part time and save some money. You’ve already had so much responsibility in your life, Miri. You going after a teaching degree almost seems incidental. The administration obviously knows a good thing when they see it. They’re sure to allow a deferral until next year after just losing your mom,” says Bailey.

“But maybe going to school will distract her and keep her focused.”

“Jay, that’s not helping,” Bailey purses her lips. “Miri has already made her decision. She’s selling the house and moving. Right?”

I nod. “It’s just for a year, to clear my head. I can defer my place in the program without a penalty. I’ve already talked to an adviser.”

“When?”

“Yesterday, right after Chris left.”

“Wow, you don’t waste much time. Have you told him yet?”

“No.” I ignore their stern looks of concern. “It should be easy to find some piano students in Connecticut, probably through my dad’s connections at the university.”

“Hmm, maybe.” Jacinta doesn’t sound convinced. “Won’t you be sad there? You won’t know anyone.”

“I hardly know anyone in my program here either, so what’s the difference? Either way I’ll meet new people.”

“But what if you get stuck in a routine and never come back? Never go to school?”

“She’ll go when the time’s right, won’t you,” Bailey defends.

Again I nod. My friends seem to think they have it all figured out. Clearly Bailey and Jacinta share differing opinions on my decision to leave. It’s like having a little angel and a little devil on each shoulder whispering conflicting viewpoints and making my mind spin with indecision. The thing is, there isn’t a right or wrong answer. I don’t know who is acting as angel or as devil, which makes it all the more difficult to know if I’m doing the right thing.

“And getting back to Chris, I don’t want to be a casualty.”

Jacinta shakes her head adamantly. “No, don’t let Bailey taint your impression.”

Bailey’s eyes widen, “I’m not trying to taint your impression on purpose, but I need to tell…”

“But nothing. Miriam, there’s something about this guy. He’s right for you. I know it. Look how protective and caring he has been this week. And he’s changing, getting more mature. I can’t believe the difference in only a couple of months.”

“But he’s a badass!” I scream, kicking the sand in my frustration. I try to laugh, but tears trickle down my cheeks as confusion floods my thoughts.

"I wouldn’t define Chris Loman as a badass anymore. I think he’s proven his worth, Miri, and you know it. Chris is a good person.”

I wipe a tear away. "This doesn't make any sense at all. He's a Virgo...you said it yourself, a Virgo! If anything, I should be running away from this guy, not pining after him like a lovesick loser. I can't help myself."

"Maybe the universe is wrong,” Jacinta consoles.

"Nope. It's never wrong. That’s a direct quote from you. I’m starting to believe all that mumbo-jumbo. No offence.”

Jacinta puts her hands up. “No offence taken. This has really shaken you up, huh? You’re in love, Miri.”

“Yes,” I hesitate, “I am definitely in love.” I whimper between sobs. I want to be in complete control since everything is constantly being taken away from me. I have to make some decisions that are right for my future. Being in love with Chris...that may not be what I truly need right now.

"Well, maybe your heart disagrees with the universe, ever think of that?" Jacinta demands.

“Then I have to take charge of my heart and calm down. I’ve never felt this way about someone. It’s so intense that it makes me feel out of control. I’m scared.” Bailey and Jacinta lean in close, comforting me as I break down. “With all I’ve gone through with my mom, I’ve come to realize that I don’t have time for vulnerability. I need to be strong. Chris makes me feel vulnerable because I’m afraid he’s going to leave me too.”

“But it’s okay to feel vulnerable when you’re in love. Isn’t that what all the movies say?” asks Bailey.

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been in love,” Jacinta confesses.

“Miriam, life’s too short not to embrace everything about yourself, and know that you’re allowed to change and evolve too. If you don’t feel confident about something, give it time. It’ll change since change is inevitable.”

“That’s a super philosophical attitude, Bay.”

“I know, right? Horoscopes be damned.”

“Jay, are you going to tolerate her horoscope insults?” I sniffle and elbow Jacinta who giggles and wags a finger.

“Now don’t be hating the horoscope. It’s never led me astray.”

“Yes, but it’s also convenient to hide behind someone else’s predictions instead of making those decisions for myself,” Bailey scolds, sounding like a wise old owl.

“Ouch, burn!” I say, laughing through my tears.

“Listen, so the horoscope doesn’t pair you and Chris together. Astrology is mostly fake anyway,” Jacinta admits.

“Mostly?”

“Yeah. It’s entertainment.”

Bailey and I stare at her in disbelief. “Are you just saying that or do you really mean it?”

“I really mean it. I get excited about predictions that I like and ignore the ones I don’t.”

“That’s convenient,” Bailey laughs.

“That’s entertainment, and that’s my choice. Lets forget about the entire horoscope thing for a second. Miri, are you going to move to Connecticut?”

Her question jars me. “I…I don’t know. Maybe.”

“You have to decide. Bailey and I are leaving in less than two weeks. We want to leave knowing you’ll be okay or…”

“Or I’m not going, simple as that,” Bailey crosses her arms.

“You guys can’t stay for me, I…”

“Me too. I’ll stay. You need us.”

“No!” I shout, suddenly upset. “This is what I’m talking about! You are both willing to put your lives on hold to hold my life together. It’s not fair! I have to take control and take responsibility now. I have to do this on my own!”

The girls stay quiet as I pull myself together.

“Lets lay back and enjoy the sunshine. We have four more days here. We don’t have to make any hard choices yet.”

 

 

On the third day, we enjoy lunch at a fancy restaurant overlooking the beach. Wearing our nicest summer dresses, with coordinating accessories thanks to Jacinta’s direction, we feel mature and grown-up. My shoulders finally come down a little and it’s getting easier to hold back my tears. I’m learning to stay strong. Coming to Jamaica was the right thing to do, even if I do miss Chris like crazy.

We pay the bill, splitting it three ways as usual, and walk the beach back to the condo rather than the sidewalk. With the waves crashing and the sun shining in the cloudless sky, this place is magical. We carry our strappy sandals and let our toes sink into the soft sand.

“Miriam,” Bailey says.

I look over, noticing her hesitate. “What’s up?”

“I wasn’t sure if I should tell you this or not, but I overheard some of the landscaper guys talking a few weeks ago when I came over. I was standing in the kitchen and you were in with your mom.”

My ears perk up at the prospect of bad news. “Yes?”

“One guy said something about how funny it was that your mom had asked Chris to ask you out to dinner, that it all turned out for the best.”

My heart instantly drops. “What?”

“That’s what he said, his exact words.”

“You mean, he said my mom asked Chris to ask me out?”

“Yes, but maybe I heard him wrong. I didn’t have the heart to tell you and to be honest, I didn’t think you and Chris would last.”

I overlook her skepticism, too overwhelmed with betrayal. Why hadn’t Mom told me this? Why hadn’t Chris? So he was just doing my mom a favor? Was it all a badass act to get me into bed with him?

“I wanted to tell you on the beach our first day here. Jay cut me off and then I chickened out. I could tell how much you care about Chris and I didn’t want to upset you even more. You’ve been through so much already.”

I hardly hear Bailey’s explanation.

“Miri, are you okay?” Jacinta waves a hand in front of my face, forcing me to snap out of it.

“I’m fine.” I straighten, determined to mull over the news in private. Maybe there’s a reason why I’m hearing this now. “I’m going paddle boarding. Who’s coming?”

 

 

My thighs are engaged, every muscle straining to balance and keep me upright. It took a bit of practice to figure out how to paddle without falling into the churning turquoise water below, but I’m getting it. I’ve never surfed, but imagine this is similar. Staying upright is taking all of my attention, all of my focus, and it’s forcing me to be in the present. This is what I need right now. We get farther and farther from the calm waters of the sheltered bay near the condo, drawing closer to rougher terrain.

“Want to head back?” Jacinta hollers. She’s trailing far behind me now, her interest in paddle boarding waning quicker than mine.

The waves are making this outing an athletic challenge. If I could paddle forever, I would, just keep going and never look back. Never having to make any decisions aside from what to eat and which island to sleep on. My great escape! I try to turn and answer her, tell her I’m not quite ready to come in just yet, but every time I attempt a quarter turn, the entire paddleboard wobbles back and forth, threatening to dump me off.

“You stay, I’m heading back. Have fun!” Jacinta hollers again. I paddle on one side of the board, forcing a slow turn in her direction. Once I’m where I want to be, I see Jacinta’s back as she paddles away. And then I see more waves, bigger ones, and they’re coming straight for me. I crouch, bracing myself for impact. At this angle, I take on the brunt of the first wave and the board starts rocking back and forth. Jacinta is now in calm waters and totally unaware of the choppy conditions I’m currently experiencing. Just when I’m about to call out that on second thought, maybe I will come in, another set of larger waves knocks me right off the board. The paddle slips out of my hands as the waves steamroll me under the water. The current yanks me down like a rag doll as waves crash above my head and roll away like a thunder ball. The full-on intensity under the water is completely hidden from the medium choppiness above the surface. Warm salty water floods my mouth making it impossible to hold my breath much longer. I search the water, disoriented and thinking down is really up until my fingers scrape the sandy bottom, sending my panic sky-high. I turn and push off the bottom, desperate for oxygen.

Surfacing, I gulp in the air until another wave crashes down on me, pressing hard and unforgiving. It would be so easy to relax and let the salt water swallow me whole, to give up and be at peace. Is this how I’m going to die? Is this my end? This can’t be it. I have to fight! What would my mom say if I just gave up and took the easy way out? What would my friends do if they were stuck in Jamaica with a dead body to ship back to the States? No, I have to fight, just like my mom fought. Don’t give up! I kick with everything I’ve got, aiming for the sunlight above.

Finally surfacing, my relief doesn’t last long as a huge wave crashes down, plunging me under again with a violent roar that sounds like the end of me once and for all. A second later, a large hand grips my arm and tugs me up. I emerge from the water and gasp like a newborn. A rugged old speedboat driver is staring at me with a worried expression. I’m saved. He hauls me into the boat like some daily catch. I shake with nerves as he pushes the throttle down and floors the boat toward the beach, the constant thud over each wave making my small chest bounce in agony. I cross my arms across them in a tight self-embrace, feeling tiny and insignificant and vulnerable, yet grateful. I’ve been given another chance.

He stops the boat a ways out so the propellers don’t get stuck in the sand and puts out a hand. I take it, thanking him profusely as I clamber over the side. I say goodbye, feeling a little embarrassed.

Standing in the waist-high water, I wade to the shore and then collapse onto a vacant beach lounger, still winded from my near-death adventure. I lay still until my heartbeat slows to a relatively normal pace and my rapid hyperventilation calms down. It takes a good ten minutes.

“Miriam!”

With minimal energy, I lift my head and glance up. Jacinta and Bailey are sprinting up the beach shouting my name. A second later, they both stand in front of me looking green with fright.

“We thought you were dead,” Bailey cries between sobs. “Your paddleboat washed up on shore.”

“I’m okay. Sorry to make you both worry.” I reach up and take their hands as they help me up. “I’m okay now, honest. Everything’s going to be just fine.”

 

~ ~ ~ ~

 

Back in Buffalo, I hug Jacinta as we’re waiting for the taxi to drive us home from the airport. “Thank you,” I say, meaning it.

“For what?”

“For Jamaica. This trip gave me exactly what I needed.”

“You mean a near-death experience while paddle boarding?” Bailey smiles.

I straighten and give them a serious look. “I’m going to sell the house and move in with my dad for a year.”

They stand stunned for a second.

“And then what?”

“I’ll take it from there, day by day.”

“So, you’re sure about this? This is what you want to do?” Jacinta asks.

“Yes. It may be easier to sell my mom’s house when I don’t have to live in it surrounded by memories. I can say a proper goodbye and leave it behind me.”

I catch the girls giving each other a cautious glance.

“We’re all leaving at the same time now?”

“Yep, looks that way.”

“No girl left behind.”

“Goodbye Buffalo!”

The taxi drops me off in front of my darkened house. I wave to my friends and promise to call them later as it pulls away. Wheeling the small case up the front walkway, I pick it up and climb the stairs as a thundering noise finds my eardrums. The noise is rhythmic, steady, and I soon I realize it’s my heart. And that puffing sound? That’s air charging in and out of my lungs. I’m about to enter the house where my mom took her last breath, the house that I left five days ago, hoping that being away would give me some new peace. This terror I’m feeling, I hadn’t expected it.

Once I’m inside, I realize how alone I really am. Removing myself for a week only put off the stark reality of how things truly are. With these feelings of loneliness come feelings of self-doubt. My mind drifts into darker territory. It dawns on me that a guy like Chris was simply feeling sorry for me while doing a dying lady a favor by asking out her shy, boring daughter. I was a fool to think it was anything more. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. While he was stuck here working and conveniently single, I was a temporary plaything – until my mom died. Then he couldn’t exactly drop me like he probably would have after the job was complete. But he seemed so happy. Was it all just an act? The phone rings, startling me. I stand in the hall and let it ring.

I’m no longer here.

I’m already mentally gone.

 

~ ~ ~ ~

 

Four days have passed since arriving back from Jamaica. Chris has called a few times, but I only answered once and told him I was on my way out. I don’t have the nerve to tell him that I’m leaving. I’m a coward through and through and avoidance is my new calling card.

Bailey and Jacinta call often, sounding upbeat and encouraging. They suggest shopping excursions for last minute college supplies before they jet off to start their lives in a couple of days. Jealousy is an emotion I’m constantly wrangling with lately, however hard I try to ignore it. It’s selfish of me to expect them to always be around if I need them, to hide their anticipation and excitement at leaving home for the first time. I know that I should be preparing for take-off too, yet I’m burdened by the amount of packing I have to do. Can I sell this house fully furnished? I’m sure it’s been done before. Should I have an estate sale? Give everything away? Hire a mover? It’s all too much to think about. I decide to pack a few things in boxes, stack them in the spare bedroom in the basement and deal with a big move once I’m settled in Connecticut and the house sells. That will force my hand. Until then, I want to hang on to every memory of Mom that I can. I’m not quite ready to let go just yet.

I think about my next move. I think about my feelings for Chris. I think about how I’m thinking too much and should go with my intuition, but then I start to question that too. These feelings of conflict, I know it’s my grief talking. It doesn’t take a genius. There has to be a reason why I’m avoiding him, and I know exactly what it is. Saying goodbye is never easy.

Realizing my lunch is burning, I push my indecision aside and save my grilled cheese just before it chars to a crisp. Peering out the kitchen window toward the backyard, I take in the vista for the first time in days, like a bear coming out of hibernation. I admire the Newton Landscaping crew’s skills. They really have transformed the back into something beyond spectacular. I’m struck by a pang of sadness when I realize I’m going to miss all this. I’ve hardly had a chance to enjoy it yet. Then again, I’ll miss this entire house. Even though my mom and I have only been living here for six years, it feels like the only home I’ve ever known. Our house before this one was too big, too overly decorated, and echoes of my parent’s arguments rang through the halls. It was a house, not a home. This home had been my mom’s escape from a disintegrated marriage. These walls signify her breaking away and freedom from unhappiness. This house was a new beginning for both of us.

Wind blows the wisteria tree that cascades over the back patio pergola, its branches sway as the bright sunshine filters through and dots the flagstone below, beckoning me outside. Today, I’ll dine alfresco. Today is a new day. Today, I don’t feel like that sleeping bear.

The late morning is quiet as I set my plate down on the teak patio table and pull in my chair. It’s strange, but in a busy city with a population of over a million, being back here is like being in my own private Garden of Eden. People go on long trips to find this kind of serene beauty and I’m spoiled enough to have it right out my back door. How can I possibly leave it? The loamy, fresh summer breeze whips my hair around. The glow of sunshine hovers in the clear blue sky as I soak in the serenity. It’s as if time hovers right along with that sun, still and unmoving. Time standing still is an illusion because it will march ahead whether I want it to or not. I don’t want to be left behind. Bailey and Jacinta will move on to school in a couple of days; Chris will move onto another landscaping job and onto another girl; and kids my age will party and travel and have fun, all while I’m stuck here. It’s time I made my escape.

Pushing my plate aside and picking up my phone, I search for realtor sites and come across one that my mom’s friend recommended. It’s time to make the call.

 

~ ~ ~ ~

 

“So, this is really happening then, you’re really selling and moving away.”

I nod as I place the books from our family room bookshelves into cardboard boxes. Bailey and Jacinta are doing the same.

“When do they put the sign up?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Have you seen Chris yet? Have you told him?”

“No.”

Bailey and Jacinta stare with mouths open.

“Miriam, you can’t do that to him. It’s not like you,” Jacinta scolds.

“I wish I’d never told you about your mom asking Chris to ask you out. Why does it matter how you two got together? The point is…” Bailey sighs, “the point is you two belong together. I was wrong.”

“Yep, she was wrong,” Jacinta agrees.

“You’re making this harder for me.”

Bailey drops the last book into the box and walks over to me. “But why does it have to be hard? Miriam, you don’t have to do this you know. You’re eighteen, you can legally live alone.”

“I know,” I sniffle. “But I don’t know if I want to.”

“So get some roommates.”

I wipe a tear away with the back of my hand. “I’d love to live with you and Jacinta, but you’re both going in opposite directions.” And then it dawns on me. With Jacinta off to Stanford and Bailey heading to Rutgers, I’m officially caught in the middle. Realistically, how often will we possibly see each other? “No, I have to do this, at least for a year.”

“But your mom left you financially secure enough to cover all your expenses while you go to school and your mortgage is already paid for. Miri, you’re free to start over. Moving in with your dad and Lindsay will be awkward, like you’re a kid again.”

I know Bailey means well, but the comment annoys me. “Well, that’s something I’ll have to get over.”

Sensing my directness, she steps in and wraps her arms around me, hugging me tight. She pulls away slightly and smiles. “Hey, here’s a thought. Get late admittance to Rutgers and then we can live together!” Bailey’s voice sounds like this is the solution to all of my problems.

I laugh lightly. If only it were that easy. “It does sound amazing, but I’m going through with this.”

She shakes her head a little, still smiling. “I get it. It was worth a shot.”

“I’ll miss you,” I say.

“I’ll miss you too.”

“Hey, don’t forget about me!” Jacinta strides over and wraps her arms around the two of us. I’ve never felt so loved and so on the brink of losing everything. I’m a walking contradiction.

Another hour passes and we have most of the giant Tupperware bins stacked in the spare bedroom, all labeled and ready to go. Go where? I’m not quite sure yet. The house is looking vacant and the image makes me yearn for things I can’t have.

Jacinta glances at her watch. “I should go. I have to get ready for dinner with my family.”

“Your 'going away' dinner? We’re having one of those tonight too,” Bailey giggles.

This is it. I have to say goodbye to my best friends.

“I wish you could both spend the night. We’d have one last slumber party and make sundaes and popcorn and watch old movies.”

They look at me with regret. “I wish we could too, Miri, but Mom and I have to catch an early flight to California.”

“And my parents are driving me to Rutgers and want to get an early start too. Looks like this is it.”

Without warning, we all burst into tears while laughing. It’s hilarious and awful. “Wait here,” I say. “I have to grab something.”

I jog to my room and come back with two small white boxes. “I wanted to get something that the three of us will have forever.” I hand out the boxes and wait for their reactions.

“This is beautiful!” Bailey gasps as she opens the lid.

“Oh, Miri, you shouldn’t have!” Jacinta pulls out the thin gold chain, admiring the delicate circular pendant. “They look expensive.”

“Don’t worry about that, my mom left me an inheritance, remember? Look, I have one too,” I say, pulling it out from beneath my tee shirt. “The circle represents our ties never breaking, never coming undone. Our friendship will be whole, no matter how far apart we are.”

Jacinta and Bailey hug me again and then I help them put the necklaces on. Glimmering tracks of tears trail down our cheeks as we blubber like babies, but we don’t care. This is one of the hardest goodbyes ever. There’s comfort in knowing we’ll always be close, soul mates, regardless of the physical distances between us.

“So, Pre-Law, huh? And Theatre Arts? You two are on your way.”

“You will be too, Miri. Hold tight, you’ll get there.”