Chapter Thirty-One

 

<><> Chris <><>

 

I’ve been calling Miriam whenever I get the chance since she got back from Jamaica. Every time I try to make plans, she’s either with her friends or I’m working. Work is crazy busy right now, what with this new project we’ve started and everything. It’s a big one. Still, I’d give anything to drop it all and spend quality time with her. She sounds so sad when I talk to her, like she’s depressed or something. I can’t put my finger on it, but something is definitely different now. Makes me wonder if she’s had a change of heart about us. When I finally get a day off, I head over to her place ready to kiss her all over.

When I park in Miriam’s driveway and see the For Sale sign on the front lawn, it’s like going over a roller coaster. My entire stomach drops with dread and I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate. Jackie’s words ring in my ears, ‘Begging her to stay would be selfish, honey.’ I ignore the advice and go with my gut. I get really, really selfish and race to the front door, pounding on it until she answers.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, opening it to let me in.

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Sell the house,” I say as I walk by her and she shuts the door. I turn to give her all of my attention, trying my best to calm the fuck down but failing miserably. That old familiar tingling of a panic attack threatens.

“Chris, what’s wrong? Breath!”

At the word breath, I realize I’ve been holding my breath, but involuntarily. I inhale quick little breaths, unable to take a full one.

She leads me to the living room and stands me in front of the couch. “Sit down.”

I do as I’m told. Standing in front of me, she’s looking at me like I’m going to die as I try to take shallow breaths. Soon my breathing returns to normal and I’m calm. I feel like such a weak idiot, but I don’t care anymore. I’m realizing that these panic episodes come on when I’m in danger of losing her and it’s a sign. I have a full-on physical reaction to the thought of not having Miriam in my life. Reaching out, I slide my hands around the back of her calves and lean my head against her stomach. She cradles my head in her arms, hugging me into her and running her fingers through my hair.

“Please don’t go.” And there it is, I’m now begging.

Miriam hesitates, her hands stopping momentarily. “I have to. I’m only eighteen, Chris. I can’t stay here by myself, this place is too big for me. A family should enjoy it with kids, especially with that beautiful backyard. It’s too much for me.”

I pull away and stare her down. “That’s bullshit, Miriam. You can handle living here. You just have to get a couple of girls to move in with you to help with expenses. They can pay you rent. It may actually act in your favor since all the extra income from roommates will help cover the remaining cost of school.”

She sits beside me on the couch and holds my hand. “You’ve given this a lot of thought already, huh?”

“A little. Kyle mentioned the extra income thing for school.”

“Smart guy.”

“So, will you stay?”

Miriam’s searching eyes and silence gives me my answer. She’s leaving, even after I’ve begged her to stay. This girl is about to officially crush my fucking heart.

“It does make a lot of sense, Chris, but I told my dad I’d stay with him for a while. And…”

I wait, gulping back my fear. “And?”

“And I’ve deferred school for a year.”

I feel my entire world implode. Without actually saying the words, Miriam is breaking up with me. Whether it’s today or weeks from now, it’s going to happen. “When are you leaving?”

“Soon.”

“Soon? What does that mean?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Were you going to tell me?” My voice is direct. This is a complete blindside and I can’t believe Miriam of all people is pulling this shit on me.

“I’m sorry, Chris, but everything happened so fast. It’s the right thing to do.” Her voice is quiet and soft, the exact opposite of mine.

“The right thing for who? It’s not the right thing for you! For us!”

“Don’t make this harder than it already is for me. I don’t want to do this, I have to.”

“But your mom arranged things so that you didn’t have to go anywhere. The mortgage is covered, remember? And she left you a generous insurance policy. Miriam, you can do this. You have friends, people who care about you and want to help you. You have me!” Bitter bile creeps up my windpipe and I swear I’m going to lose it…I’m going to cry. I’m holding it back with everything I’ve got.

She shakes her head as if she doesn’t believe me. “My friends are leaving for school.”

“Only Jacinta and Bailey, you have other friends. You have new friends too.”

Miriam sighs loudly. I don’t want her to think I’m laying on the guilt, but I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her here. “Promise me you’ll think this through. You don’t have to panic. There has to be another way around this.”

“I’ll think it over, but I can’t make any promises. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Look, there’s no point of contention here, Chris.”

“Huh?” I scratch my head. “What does that even mean?” How can she be so calm? It’s like she’s lost her heart all of a sudden, like she’s a robot going through the motions.

“I know that my mom put you up to asking me out. Would you have asked me on your own?”

Okay, that came out of nowhere. Maybe Miriam’s looking for a way out and she’s reaching now, grasping onto anything that sounds negative. “Your mom suggested I take you to dinner, but that was after I’d already asked you for your number and after I’d already fallen for you.”

“How much of what you’ve said to me is really true?”

I laugh and run my hands through my hair in frustration before pulling her close again, forcing her to look at me. “When your mom asked me, I could hardly believe my luck! It was like the fucking stars aligned or something. It was like getting her approval to love you.” Miriam stares at me and her hard shell starts to crack. “Don’t you see? Your mom knew I was right for you despite our differences. Your mom loved you with all her heart and knew you better than anyone.” She actually smiles a little and it puts me at ease…slightly. I still get the feeling I’m losing her. “Don’t you understand how much you mean to me? Don’t I matter to you?”

“Yes, but…” she whispers.

“But nothing. We should be together.”

“Come on, Chris, you know I’m just a girl who was in the right place at the right time. I’ve seen how often girls look at you – and I’ve heard a few stories. I’m not stupid.”

I look at her with serious eyes. “Listen, I don’t know what I have to do to prove to you how much I care. When I say I love you, I mean it. I’ve never felt this way before. Please believe me ’cause it’s the truth.” I stroke her hair and she pulls away slightly, surprising me.

“What’s going on, Miriam?”

“I can’t follow my heart right now, it’s not practical. I have to be smart about this and…”

“And what?”

“And I have to go to Connecticut.”

I’ve never felt so hopeless in all my life. I bring her in for a hug and kiss her softly, wanting my touch to change her mind. There’s nothing I loathe more than feeling out of control, and this situation is the very definition of out of control. Miriam is the only person who can make things better, and right about now, it’s not looking so good. Her distance is obvious and it’s like a blow to the head. I’ve never had to convince a girl to be with me before, to stay with me and love me. I’ve never been in love before and given another person so much power.

Miriam takes my hand and guides me to her room. We lie on the bed together, facing each other and stare into each other’s eyes. I run a hand up and down her arm comfortingly. “Please, Miriam, it doesn’t matter if your mom suggested we go out. I would have asked you out anyways, I promise.”

She stays quiet and kisses me. Her hands come around me, pulling off my shirt and unbuttoning my belt. Being together should make me feel secure and confident, but I’ve never felt more lost and afraid of losing someone than I do right now.