INFERIOR OR FLAWED DRAGONS
Inferior or Flawed Dragons
Origin: You felt “less than” others in ability, looks, money, achievement, or relationships. You felt inadequate or that you could not live up to your parents’ expectations. You were bullied, cut down, or criticized by peers, family, or authority figures, or you frequently compared yourself to others in a negative way. Due to social media, these dragons are causing an epidemic rise of anxiety, depression, and suicide in young people.
Triggers: When you compare yourself to others or compete against others; when you look in the mirror.
Reactions: These dragons drive feelings of inferiority, depression, helplessness, and jealousy; make you overly sensitive or a perfectionist; may lead to impostor syndrome (feeling like a fraud or you don’t know what you’re doing) or body dysmorphic disorder, where you see only your body’s flaws.
Movies: These dragons love superhero movies, especially ones with Marvel X-Men mutant characters who have special powers.
Daniel’s Inferior or Flawed Dragons: This is a secondary dragon for me. I was short and thought I was funny looking: My mom is five feet tall, and my father was about five feet six inches, which is where I ended up. I was usually the smallest kid in the class, and because of this, I was teased, was picked last for sports activities, and felt “less than” other boys. Given all the girls in my family, my mother did not have time to comb the boys’ hair every morning, so my brother and I had butch haircuts during elementary school. Mix that with the big ears I inherited from my grandfather, and I was often called Dumbo.
Early on, I never felt smart. I went to a Catholic elementary school that had 48 children in each class (six rows across, eight desks deep) and never stood out academically. My parents were so busy that my school performance was not a priority as long as I wasn’t failing.
Not being able to live up to successful parents or older siblings often makes people feel inadequate. My father was the embodiment of the American dream. Coming from poor immigrant parents, he rose to build a 100-million-dollar grocery chain business. When I was young, I knew he was a successful businessman. Successful parents are not always a blessing because children often compare themselves to their parents or siblings and wonder if they can measure up. Self-esteem is the difference between where you believe you are and where you think you should be compared to others. If they match, you tend to feel good about yourself. If they don’t match, you feel inferior.
Self-esteem is the difference between where you believe you are and where you think you should be.
These dragons fueled much of my success. Over time I realized that being shorter meant every seat on an airplane has first-class legroom, I never hit my head on doorjambs, and people are drawn to me ultimately because of who I am as a person, not my size. I would have rather been six feet eight inches so I could have played for the Los Angeles Lakers, but because of my brain, I was able to spend a year with the NBA, training their referees about brain health. Plus, I was the primary investigator in the world’s first and largest brain imaging and rehabilitation study on active and retired NFL players. They towered over me, but I was able to help many have better brains and better lives. Plus, with the brain damage I saw on their scans, I am more grateful than ever that I was only a backup quarterback in high school, which turned out to be the safest position on the field.
Since I was not exceptionally smart, I learned to work hard. I still consider my late father to be one of the most successful people I have ever known, but through consistent effort over time, I’ve been able to leave my own mark for my family and the people we serve.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Tools to tame your Inferior or Flawed Dragons
- Do you recognize Inferior or Flawed Dragons in your life? Do you have a tendency to compare yourself to others or find yourself envious? Do you feel less than others? Do you feel like you are not enough? Have you faced a lot of verbal put-downs from others?
- Find the upside: If you were perfect, you’d be God —and, clearly, you’re not. Accepting your flaws will help you accept others because we all have flaws. This can help you be more humble and compassionate.
- Strategies: Arianna Huffington calls these dragons “the obnoxious roommate in your head” and says to “give them an eviction notice!”[1]
Work hard to stop comparing yourself to others, and be the best you can be. You can do this by:
- Being aware when you do it
- Knowing what triggers you to compare yourself to others and avoiding them (e.g., social media, magazine/TV ads)
- Changing your focus to something else
- Focusing on your strengths and accomplishments
- Praising others because it makes it more likely you will praise yourself
- Avoiding mindlessly scrolling through social media. On one of our Brain Warrior’s Way Podcast episodes, my cohost and wife, Tana, relayed the story of doing Christmas shopping online, where she saw an image of another woman her age who looked perfect. She immediately started to feel inferior and thought of searching for plastic surgery sites. Thankfully, she recognized the dragons whispering to her brain and pulled herself away.
Stop caring what other people think of you because they are mostly not thinking about you at all. I teach my patients the 18-40-60 rule: When you’re 18, you worry about what everyone else is thinking of you; when you’re 40, you don’t care what anyone else is thinking about you; and when you’re 60, you realize no one has been thinking about you at all. People spend their days worrying and thinking about themselves, not you.
Realize that seeking perfection is a reason to fail and that when you constantly compare yourself to others, you are doomed to unhappiness. There will always be someone healthier, richer, prettier, bigger, or stronger than you. There will also always be someone poorer, uglier, smaller, and weaker than you. Where you bring your attention determines how you feel. Comparing yourself negatively to others, which society and social media promote, is a trap that damages many people. Don’t be one of them.
- Affirmations to say or meditate on every day:
- I am unique.
- I restrain comparing myself to others.
- I am a strong, independent person.
- I will be my best, not someone else’s best.
- I work hard.