GUILT-BEATING ANTS (fuel Should and Shaming Dragons)

Two parent ants scolding two child ants. The mom ant is wearing an apron and curlers and holding a rolling pin.

With Guilt-Beating ANTs, motivation comes from moral beatings you received from others, such as parents and authority figures: “You should have done that. You ought to do this. You mustn’t think like that ever again.” These ANTs have their origin in the Should and Shaming as well as Responsible Dragons from the Past. Whenever you think in words like should, must, ought, or have to, your brain is beating you up with guilt. Of course, there are things you should and should not do. But trying to motivate behavior with guilt often backfires and can be counterproductive. Here are some examples of Guilt-Beating ANTs:

  1. I’m not a good son because I do not call my dad. I should do better.
  2. I should Zoom or FaceTime with my parents more often.
  3. I have to give up sugar.
  4. I must start counting my calories.
  5. I ought to exercise more.
  6. I should be more giving.
  7. I’m ashamed of the sexual experiences I had as a preteen. I should not have done those things.
  8. My struggles are my fault. I should be better. (This is also a Blaming ANT.)
  9. I’m selfish for seeking help. I shouldn’t have to do it. (This is also a Labeling ANT.)
  10. I should quit because all the work problems are my fault. (This is also a Blaming ANT.)
  11. I feel guilty for taking time for myself.
  12. I should be able to beat this depression without medicine.
  13. I should not have made this move to a new job.
  14. I must do better in school.
  15. I should be a better wife/husband.

What happens when you allow these ANTs to circle in your mind? Do they make you more inclined to connect with your parents, cut the sugar, count calories, be physically active, or be more giving? I doubt it. It is human nature to push back when we feel as if we “must” do something, even if it is to our benefit. The key to overcoming Guilt-Beating ANTs and stop feeding the Should and Shaming Dragons is to replace them with phrases such as:

Terry: Behavior is more complicated than you think, so don’t believe every thought you have

Terry had a very hard time keeping up in school. His parents and teachers made him believe that he was “lazy, stupid, and irresponsible” (Should and Shaming Dragons). His whole life he felt an incredible amount of shame. He eventually dropped out of school, fell into depression (Hopeless and Helpless Dragons), and lived in isolation. He didn’t believe he could ever have a family and worked very hard just to get by. When he was 46, his “mental health” worsened, and he believed there must be something wrong with his brain, but his MRI was normal, which it often is in such cases. MRIs look at the brain’s structure, not how the brain functions, which is often the root of the problem.

When he came to our clinic in New York, his SPECT scan showed severe damage to his frontal lobes, which was consistent with a traumatic brain injury he later learned he’d had as a small child. He talked to his mother about the scan, and they cried together for hours. They realized he didn’t have a bad attitude; he had a troubled brain.

Terry got serious about rehabilitating his brain using our program, including diet recommendations, supplements, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy. Months later his scans showed dramatic improvement as did his life. His mood, energy, and hope have soared, and he now sees a much brighter future for himself, including the possibility of a family.

Surface SPECT scan of the underside showing large areas of low blood flow toward the front.

Terry’s surface SPECT scan:
Before

Surface SPECT scan showing more uniform blood flow.

Terry’s surface SPECT scan:
After