Chapter Thirty-Two

JANUARY 1918

As the weeks passed and Mouse grew stronger, it became clear there was only one solution. I came into her room one day, an open letter in my hand. ‘This is the answer.’

‘You haven’t written to Papa? Or Cousin Iris? Not after you promised?’

‘No one on Anglesey knows who you are. This is from Aunt Catrin. You can stay with her, she says, or at Sŵn y Môr, if you choose. It’s perfect.’

Mouse looked uncertain. ‘I love your Aunt Catrin, and Sŵn y Môr was heaven. But will she want me?’ She reddened. ‘Now, I mean.’

‘Aunt Catrin understands. Besides, she always needs helpers on the farm. The men have left, much as they have here. Hugo isn’t back from Belgium until the end of the month. I’ll come with you and we can stay for a week or so until you settle. No one here need ever know.’ I hesitated. ‘Whatever you decide.’

Mouse was silent for a while. ‘But you’ll come and visit?’

‘Of course. Whenever I can. All Hugo ever need know is that I am visiting Aunt Catrin. And I know Alice will visit you too. And if you don’t feel happy, we can find another solution.’

Mouse was silent for a few minutes, lost in thought. ‘But what about Lisette? I can’t just abandon her.’

‘Aunt Catrin says that she is welcome, too. Jojo might even learn to herd sheep. A dog needs an occupation. She might not have any of her own, but Aunt Catrin loves children, and at least Lisette will be with you. I know it means dragging her away from her friends and everything she knows here, but maybe it’s better now…’

Mouse met my eyes. ‘Rather than when Hugo comes home.’

‘I’m afraid so. I’m so sorry Mouse, but Cook was right.’ I swallowed. ‘I’m not sure Hugo could bear to see a child in this house. Not a little girl that wasn’t his. Please understand.’

Mouse hugged me tight. ‘Of course. Dear, dear Elin. And I’ll never do anything ever again to hurt you, or Hugo, or cause you unhappiness.’ She smiled. ‘I love Aunt Catrin and, if she’ll have me, I can’t think of a better place to go than Sŵn y Môr.’ She bit her lip.

‘At least talk to Jack before we go. He knows there’s something wrong. He saved your life, Mouse. At least speak to him.’

Mouse shook her head. ‘I can’t. I couldn’t bear it. He’d know. The moment I told him I was leaving, he’d know.’

‘And would that be so bad?’ I asked gently. ‘Surely Jack, of all people, would be the one to understand.’

But Mouse shook her head. ‘I couldn’t bear it.’

* * *

We left a few days later on the London train, changing at Plymouth, where no one would know us, for the journey north. We told everyone Mouse and Lisette were going to stay with family while Mouse helped the war effort by driving trams in the city. I was going to stay with them until Lisette was settled and we had found her a suitable school. It sounded reasonable, and Mouse insisted, so there should be no trail to Anglesey and Aunt Catrin. If Mouse was ever to return it was to be her choice.

The journey was uneventful, with only a few delays as trains carrying conscripts passed on the journey south. Much of the time was spent entertaining Lisette, who had grown anxious at the prospect of yet another move. But she was soon telling Jojo all about his new home and the sheep. By the time the mountains appeared, with the hint of ruined castles, she had forgotten her trepidation and was too excited to sleep.

When we finally reached Llanarthur station, Aunt Catrin was there waiting for us with a pony and trap to gather us up to the safety of the farm and all the hot tea and Welsh cakes we could manage.

* * *

The days passed quietly. Mouse was more settled than I had seen her in a long time. She took long walks across the fields and along the coastline, sometimes with Lisette and Jojo, sometimes on her own, returning ravenously hungry, cheeks glowing in the candlelight each evening.

On the last evening, after Lisette was safely tucked up in bed, I sat with Mouse amongst the sand dunes, overlooking the beach. ‘You don’t have to stay,’ I said. ‘You can come back with me in the morning. You could find a flat in London for you and Lisette.’

Mouse shook her head. ‘I like it here. I like Aunt Catrin. She has a clear mind and an honest view of things. I trust her.’

‘If you ever change your mind…’

‘I know. Thank you, Elin. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.’

‘You don’t have to repay anything, Mouse.’ I looked at her. ‘Won’t you at least write to your family? You don’t have to explain. If you give me a letter, I can post it when the train gets to London. That way they won’t know where you are, until you are ready.’

‘Yes.’ Mouse nodded. ‘Yes. I’ll do that.’

I hesitated. ‘And Jack? Won’t you at least let me say something to Jack when I get home?’

She shook her head. ‘No. Especially not Jack.’

‘He would never judge you. He’s bound to wonder why you rushed off like this without saying goodbye. You must know how much he cares for you, Mouse. I’m sure you don’t want to hurt his feelings.’

‘No, of course not.’ She chewed her lips. ‘When the baby comes. I’ll tell him then. When I’ve got used to the idea.’ She sighed gloomily. ‘I don’t expect I’ll ever see him again.’

‘You never know, Mouse. Jack is an unusual man. He may well surprise you.’

She put her arms around her knees and placed her chin on her arms. ‘I don’t need saving by Jack, or avenging by Owen. It happened. Nothing can change it. I’ve got to deal with it. And I’m the only one who can. I suppose that’s what I couldn’t face: the fact that my life will never be the way I planned it to be. But I’m not giving up. I won’t be his victim. That soldier will never know. It’s nothing to do with him. And he’s probably dead by now, anyway.’

The face of the fair-haired lieutenant at the roadblock came into my mind with an instant clarity. The soldier who had looked so intently at Mouse and then let us through. Who had most probably saved our lives. And maybe even risked his own by doing so. I hesitated. Should I tell Mouse or not? Would she think I was just comforting her? Maybe it would destroy her fragile peace of mind. And anyhow, who was to say it was the same man. It could be a coincidence: my imagination running riot. Besides, given the horror of that landscape and the roar of the guns, she was most probably right. ‘I expect so,’ I said.

‘Then it’s mine. All mine.’

I looked at her in alarm. ‘Mouse?’

‘Don’t you see? No one can tell me what to do. Or take it away. If the baby survives.’ She gave a slight shudder. ‘And if I survive. Then the baby is mine.’

‘Yes, it will be.’

‘I’ll find a way to live, somehow. I’ve thought about it. I’ve got Mama’s legacy. It’s not enough to live on, but it’s a start.’ She looked at me, her eyes earnest. ‘All those widows of the men killed in the war, they are going to have to look after children on their own on much less than Mama’s money. If they can, I can.’ She hugged her knees tighter again. ‘Oh Elin, why did I think I was so special?’ She sighed. ‘Those poor women I saw in France. I saw them with children they were trying desperately to love. Some did. Because they were children.’ She smiled. ‘Like Lisette. Like anybody. You get to know them, and you love them. And if it’s a child, you’d do anything not to see them hurt. That’s not weakness, or being a victim.’

‘I know you’ll find a way through this, Mouse,’ I said. ‘And I’m glad you’re alive.’

Mouse smiled. ‘I’m glad I met you, Elin. I’m so glad my bi-plane missed its route that day.’ She looked up at the sky. ‘This war won’t last forever. And when it’s over, I’m going to get my bi-plane back. I’ll make one with my own hands, if that’s what it takes. And I’m going to fly.’ She grinned. ‘I could even start a school for women pilots. Then if we’re flying all over the place, just like the men, they’ll have to give us the vote.’

‘That sounds like a brilliant idea to me.’

The old Mouse was back. Who was planning for the future… I was anxious, of course – there were so many women who died in childbirth – but Mouse was no longer in danger of taking a small boat out into the ocean. I’d warned Aunt Catrin, just in case, but Mouse had the fight back in her, and Mouse with the fight in her could survive anything.

I thought of Jack working diligently away in Hiram’s gardens, never asking after Mouse, but listening so intently to every last morsel I told him. I wouldn’t break my word to Mouse. But I’d find a way. Somehow, however long it took, I’d find a way.

I looked out over the sea, the salt wind whipping into my face. Mouse had not done anything wrong. She had not chosen any of this. All she had done was to be brave and bold and risk her life to help others in the most terrible need. She should never, ever, have to feel shame or fear. Why should she feel unable to take her chance of happiness, just so that the world could go on as if nothing like this ever happened?

Why should anyone?

Why should I?

I sat very still. The question had burst into my head as if it had always been there, waiting its moment. Why should I stay in a life that stifled and negated me, so that the world could maintain the polite pretence that marriage could never lead to unhappiness? That a woman must always put her husband first, bending herself to fit to his wishes, as if she had no existence or desires of her own.

Anger shot through me. I’d seen the looks of disapproval Iris had been given at Northholme. I understood now why Mouse would never choose to go back. Those looks had declared that the violence meted out to Owen’s godmother must have been of her own provoking, and it would have been better if she had been found with her throat cut than to bring the truth out into the open. Better that she had never existed at all than to choose to live her life in freedom.

I took a deep breath. If this war was indeed to end soon, I had a choice to face. And, when it came down to it, I found it was no choice at all.

* * *

Aunt Catrin took me to the station the next morning. Mouse and Lisette sat on either side of me, holding me tight.

On the platform, Mouse slipped a letter into my pocket. ‘For Cousin Iris,’ she whispered.

‘I’ll post it as soon as I get to London.’

‘And you promise you won’t tell her where I am?’

‘Of course. Except if you are in trouble.’

‘Or if…’ The gleam of fear was back in her eyes. ‘If anything happens to me.’

‘It won’t.’

‘But if it does?’

‘I promise. With all my heart.’

She hugged me tight, tears streaming down her cheeks. ‘I might never see you again.’

‘You will,’ I replied, brushing the hair away from her damp face with my hand. ‘I swear that you will.’

Aunt Catrin kissed me soundly. ‘I’ll look after her,’ she said in Welsh. ‘And if anything is not going smoothly, or if it looks as if there might be problems, I’ll let you know.’

‘Thank you.’

‘And you, cariad, you take care of yourself. And remember, there is always a place here for you, should you need it. We have farms and gardens here too, you know. Plas Caradoc Farm is lying empty.’

‘The farm by the sea?’

‘That’s the one. Both their sons and their son-in-law were killed at the front. Their daughter went to live in Canada with relatives after her husband was killed. Talk is they’ll join her. I can’t see them wanting to come back here. Too many memories. Better to start again. They’ve been trying to rent it out for months. I did wonder…’ She glanced over at Mouse. ‘But time enough for that. She doesn’t want to be taking on a big old house in her condition. Some of the fields are let, but the farmhands have all gone. Something to think about for the future.’

I watched them, as the train pulled out. They looked like a mother with her daughter and granddaughter, standing there on the tiny station. A pang of envy went through me. And something else. A touch of grief, maybe? As I settled myself to watch the countryside fly by, I couldn’t help thinking of my mother, all those years ago, setting off for a new life at the other end of the country, with only Cook to remind her of her old world and her mother tongue.

I did not post Mouse’s letter when I reached London. Instead, I found my way to an elegant little cottage on the riverbank at Chelsea.

Cousin Iris was expecting me. ‘My dear,’ she said, kissing me soundly. ‘I was so thankful when I received your telephone call. I was so worried when I telephoned Hiram and no one would say where you had all gone. I knew Mouse couldn’t have just vanished from the face of the earth.’ Her face was anxious. ‘She is quite safe, isn’t she?’

‘Yes,’ I replied. I handed her Mouse’s letter, and sat with her while she read it.

‘Poor, dear Mouse,’ said Iris quietly, as she finished reading it through a second time. ‘What she must have been through. I thought there was something, the day of Edmund’s funeral. But then with so much suffering…’

‘She is quite safe now,’ I assured her.

‘I know she is, my dear. I wish she would let me help her, but that’s Mouse all over.’ She squeezed my hand. ‘Now don’t you look so anxious. Mouse will write to me properly when she’s ready. The least I can do is respect her wishes.’ She rose. ‘Thank you, my dear. You must be exhausted after all that travelling. Mrs Brigge is preparing tea for us all.’ She smiled. ‘There’s someone here who would like to see you.’

Owen was sitting near the window overlooking the river, a book lying forgotten on his lap. ‘Elin!’ He rose to greet me, steadying himself against the windowsill. ‘Iris said you might call today.’ He glanced past me. ‘No Mouse?’

‘No, not today. She’s quite well. I saw her this morning and she sends her love.’

‘Good.’ He smiled. ‘Good.’ His bandages were not quite so all encompassing, and he appeared stronger.

‘Iris said your treatment at the hospital is going well.’

‘Yes.’ He grimaced. ‘I’m afraid I was a self-pitying fool when I saw you last, Elin. Seeing the state of some of those poor fellows makes me realise I got off lightly. At least I can see and hear and have a mouth to speak with, and my hand is improving day by day. You’ll be glad to know that I’m resigned to a lack of admiring glances. It will probably prompt me to do something useful with my life instead.’

‘You don’t need beauty Owen. You never did. Not for me.’ I could make out more of his face. He was still the same Owen, despite the scars and the bandages. There was a troubled look in his eyes. I wanted to take him in my arms and smooth it away, but not until I’d said what I’d come to say. ‘I wanted so much to see you.’

‘Did you?’ His voice was wary.

I took a step closer. ‘Of course I did.’ I took a deep breath. In the distance came the clatter of tea being prepared. It was now or never. ‘Owen, I am going to leave Hugo.’

There was a sharp intake of breath. ‘Leave?’

‘Yes. Not now, of course. I couldn’t leave Hiram now, and I couldn’t hurt Hugo while he is still risking his life. But afterwards. When the war is over and things are back to normal.’

‘If they ever are,’ he muttered.

I ignored this. ‘I’m not asking anything from you, Owen. I’m not doing this for you, but because I can’t stay with Hugo. Not anymore. I can never go back to being the girl I was when I met him, and I can’t pretend. I won’t pretend. I wanted you to hear it from me, and I wanted to tell you that I’m not asking you to make a decision of any kind. I don’t want you to think that this traps you in any way. I am going to do this, whatever you decide.’

Slowly, he leant his head on my shoulder. I held him as gently as I could. ‘Elin, I can’t ask you to do this,’ he said. ‘I have no means of supporting you. I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough to support a family of my own. It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was supposed to die, and you were supposed to go and live your life in freedom.’

‘If you’d died, a part of me would have died too.’ I lifted his head so his eyes met mine. ‘You are not asking me to do this. I don’t want you to support me, Owen, or look after me. I can look after myself.’ I kissed him as lightly as I could. ‘And I certainly don’t intend to play nursemaid. So, you see, you will just have to get yourself well.’

He laughed. A slightly painful laugh that ended in a sharp intake of breath, but a laugh all the same. His lips rested gently against mine. ‘You know that all I want is to be with you.’

I returned his kiss, feeling him wince with pain under the pressure, though he still held me as close as he could. ‘Then will you concentrate on getting better and trust me that when this war ends, I will find a way to be free?’

His undamaged hand traced my face, learning every part of it, committing it to memory, every gentle caress a kiss that could not be given.

‘I will wait for you, Elin, for as long as you need.’ His fingers brushed my lips. ‘And if you change your mind…’

‘I won’t.’

‘If you change your mind, I will understand.’ His lips touched mine once more. ‘I want you to know that I will understand, and I will never blame you.’

* * *

The sun was sinking that evening as the train went round the headland and the familiar curve of Port Helen came into view.

I walked up the path from the village feeling energy flowing through me. The walled garden was neat, all ready for tomorrow. Even with the windows blacked out, Hiram looked welcoming as I made my way to the kitchen door.

Cook was stirring soup over the stove. I stood for a few minutes watching her and the familiar scene. An ache tugged at my heart at the thought of leaving my home, the place that had been my world for as long as I could remember. At the same time, I knew I had no choice. Not if I wanted to live free of regret for the rest of my life.

Mrs Hughes heard my footsteps and turned. ‘Miss Elin!’ There was something in her face. In the way she didn’t rush to welcome me. Something that only meant one thing.

‘Hugo.’

‘Oh, cariad.’ There was such a mix of emotion in her face. My stomach contracted.

‘Is he…?’

‘No cariad. He’s been injured. The message came not an hour ago.’

I took a deep breath. ‘Badly?’

‘He was well enough to bring home. So they must believe he will survive. He’s been taken to Applebourne. Miss Alice telephoned as soon as he was brought in.’ She hesitated. ‘She said they would be operating in the morning.’

I sat down in a chair. ‘What kind of operation?’

‘One of his legs has been badly crushed, Miss Alice said. The surgeon is hopeful they can save it, but even if they can, he may never walk properly again.’

Grief flooded through me. Grief for Hugo, and a terrible, anguished grief for myself. ‘I should go to him.’

Cook crouched down by me, taking my hands in hers. ‘There is nothing you can do tonight, cariad. Miss Alice said he wouldn’t know you if you did, he’s been so heavily sedated against the pain. He’s in the best possible hands now. It’s when he comes round from the operation that he’ll need you. Whatever happens, he’s going to need you more than ever, now, my dear.’

‘Yes. Yes, of course.’ My whole body was in turmoil, my mind a blank. I felt Hiram’s walls close in around me. No longer comforting and familiar, but a prison, crushing the last breath from my lungs.