Life was easier while the sleep-out was being built. I didn’t have to fight — it was hard to get used to. I felt all the time that I needed to look over my shoulder to keep alert for what might happen next.
Nothing did. Max even joined in the chat at dinner time and he didn’t make any nasty comments the way he’d always done before the great sleep-out project. I hoped it would last. I didn’t think it would. I kept my guard up.
School was going okay too. Wiremu, Niles and Zeke hung out with the four of us and we usually met up in the weekends. Tia said, ‘Tell Wiremu you like him.’
I shook my head. ‘I like having him for a friend.’ I jabbed her in the ribs. ‘Look at you — how long do you go out with a guy before you get sick of him and dump him?’
It’d be great to go out with Wiremu. My heart thudded just thinking about it, but if we broke up that would split the seven of us, and it was so great having a social life. It stopped the whole Max thing going round and round in my head.
I still wished he’d tell me more about Hayden, but he never mentioned Australia. Sometimes, I thought about using my money to go over and visit Hayden and my half-sisters. But that was dumb when Max was right here and I could ask him.
If I asked him, he’d walk away like he did last time.
… Not if I asked him at dinner.
I chose an evening when he and Calvin had laughed a lot as they worked. I waited until we’d started eating before I said, ‘Max, what’s Hayden like? I’d really like to know.’
I thought he wouldn’t say anything, but Mum and Calvin were both looking at him. He shrugged. ‘He was okay. For about a week.’ He stopped. That was it?
But Mum leapt in. ‘What happened after a week?’ Her voice was urgent. ‘Max — he didn’t hit you, did he?’
He shifted on his chair. He looked like he’d rather be back in Perth than talking about this. I should have kept my mouth shut.
‘What, then?’ Mum demanded.
Max kept his eyes on his plate, chopping the broccoli through and through with his knife. ‘Hayden yelled — all the time. He was great, until …’
‘Well?’ Mum leaned towards him. ‘Tell us, Max.’
I kept quiet. I didn’t want to miss a word.
He shoved his plate away, and shouted at me, ‘It’s all your fault! You muck up my life all the time.’ He jumped up to rush from the room.
Calvin grabbed him and pulled him back down onto his chair. ‘If you’re going to say things like that, Max, at least have the courage to explain yourself.’
Mum shouted, ‘Calvin! Let him go!’
Calvin ignored her. He kept his eyes on Max — and his hand on his arm. ‘Explain yourself, Max.’
Max shook his arm. Calvin let him go but didn’t relax back into his chair. ‘You owe us an explanation. Your sister most of all.’
‘I didn’t have anything to do with you in Australia,’ I yelled. I lowered my voice. ‘How could I muck up your life over there? And by the way, you muck up your own life here so you probably did it over there too.’
‘Ruby. That’ll do,’ Calvin said.
I shut up, astonished.
Mum said, ‘Max you have to tell us what happened. Tell me the truth — did he hit you?’
Well, if he did, that couldn’t possibly be my fault.
Max thumped his hands on the table. ‘No. That would have been better.’ He grabbed for a breath. ‘He went on and on — nothing was right, nothing was good enough.’ The words came tumbling out as if a dam had broken. ‘When I got there, he was all over me. I was his son. He said he’d always wanted a son but instead he got a pack of moaning girls. He said he was proud of me because I was clever. I had to sit a test at the school and they put me in the top class.’ He stopped and covered his face with his hands.
And exactly how did I come into this?
Calvin put an arm round Theo. He kept watching Max, but didn’t say anything.
Mum said, ‘That was good, Max. I’m proud of you too. What went wrong?’
Max stabbed a finger at me. ‘She did. She messed it up. Like she always does.’ The look he gave me was filled with hate.
‘That doesn’t make sense, Max.’ Calvin kept his voice calm, but there was an edge to it.
‘Oh yeah? Well listen to this!’ He was almost stuttering with rage. ‘Lilac couldn’t do her homework. He yelled at her and told her she was dumb, even an idiot could read by the time they were ten. Then he yelled at Linda and said it was her fault. She had bad genes and he shouldn’t have married her.’
It suddenly made sense — crazy, twisted sense. ‘You told him about me. You told him I couldn’t read either.’
He shoved his cutlery so that it skittered after the plate. ‘Yes, I did. And after that he hated me. Linda wouldn’t shut up about how he’d always blamed her but it was his fault all along. And it’s all your fault, you stupid, dumb …’
‘Max!’ Calvin snapped. ‘Control yourself.’
But Max was sobbing and yelling things that would stay in my head forever. Calvin picked up a glass and threw cold water in his face. ‘That’s enough. Calm down and don’t say another word.’
The kids were howling, I was shivering and I felt sick. I glanced at Mum, but she was staring at Max and her face was dead white. She looked as if somebody had socked her over the head. ‘Mum? What’s wrong? Mum!’ I grabbed her arm.
She couldn’t speak, just shook her head and fluttered a hand. She gulped in some air, then another breath and some colour came back into her face. ‘I thought — all these years, I thought it was my fault you can’t read, Ruby. I thought it was my punishment for getting pregnant so young.’ She leaned back in her chair and laughed and laughed. ‘And it’s not my fault after all.’
Calvin said sharply, ‘You’re scaring the kids, Tessie.’
I sat stunned. There was too much to take in. Max, Mum …
All sorts of thoughts whirled in my head — scattered, broken pieces of ideas. But they all joined up to the same thing in the end: this was why she didn’t love me. I sat there, shivering. Where had that come from? But it was true, and somewhere in the depths of my soul, I’d always known it. She didn’t love me. She tried. She did the best she could, but it didn’t work.
Max got up and left the room. Neither of them tried to stop him. Davey slid from his chair to go and lean against Calvin. Calvin held both his kids tight, speaking softly to them, comforting them.
There was no comfort for me. It was all too much. I left them sitting there and ran to my room. It got dark. I didn’t turn the light on. I felt dark right through to my backbone which had kicked off this whole mess.