Parenting Bright Kids Who Struggle in School

It is one thing to discuss learning differences in the relative safety of schools and colleges. It is quite another to talk openly about them in the workplace. I was amazed to hear so many people publicly sharing their experiences at the second annual Neurodiversity Conference, held in 2013 at the Microsoft Technology Center in Mountain View, CA.

I went with my friend and fellow PEN board member, Stu Schader, who is also a founder of the conference. Stu is dyslexic and never went to college. He opted instead to launch a career in technology right out of high school. Such decisions are not uncommon in Silicon Valley, where I often meet people who followed different pathways to success, or who found school difficult, boring, or just plain irrelevant to their interests, before finding their niche in the world of tech.

Being at a conference where gainfully employed adults were outing themselves as having learning disabilities was quite an eye-opener. I was aware of the risk a lot of them were taking just by attending; most employers, even in Silicon Valley, are still not on board with the Science of Individuality’s jaggedness concept. The fact that some people are just more jagged than others isn’t widely accepted in the world at large. Every day, in performance reviews and considerations for promotion, people who learn differently are assessed according to conventional standards that don’t—or shouldn’t—apply to them.

In every office there are employees who seem different or are challenged by tasks that come easily to their colleagues. They may seem disorganized, unable to complete some tasks in a timely manner, or lacking in obvious social skills. Yet they possess other skills and abilities that can often prove vital to the success of a team’s efforts.

These individuals face many tough decisions in the workplace: Should those with dyslexia expose themselves by asking for job information on tape, or ask to use speech-to-text technology to complete reports? Should those with ASD explain their social discomforts and give their team some insights into strategies that might help?

At PEN, we advocated the following process for students and parents: Educate, Collaborate, Empower. In fact, this was the shortened form of our mission statement. Starting in the mid-2000s, some companies in Silicon Valley, like LinkedIn, Google, and Microsoft, began to form affinity groups for people who felt somewhat marginalized because of their different brains and work habits. This trend made it clear that the same process used by PEN for children at school could apply for adults in careers.

In technology companies, the edges of individual jaggedness can be extreme. According to the Financial Times, there are many more employees in this particular field who have ASD, ADHD, and dyslexia than in a normal population (Ahuja, 2014). Some speculate that this is because people who have high edges in science, math, and technology often have challenges that could have been called learning disabilities when they were in school. But these folks excel in their high-powered workplaces. These employees are gifted, creative thinkers and problem solvers. Perhaps they are employed by these tech companies because of their learning differences, not despite them. Some research favors the idea that neurological differences are usually accompanied by gifts (Eide & Eide, 2011).

A number of business leaders have attributed at least part of their success to their learning differences. Ned Hallowell, the ADHD guru, talks in most of his presentations about unwrapping the gifts of ADHD. When Johan Wiklund, a professor of entrepreneurship at Syracuse University’s Whitman School of Management, was diagnosed with ADHD in 2012, he decided to launch a study into how ADHD may actually help business leaders (Belanger, 2017). He concluded that the intense focus that those with ADHD can muster for projects they are passionate about often cancels out the concomitant problems of inattentiveness; at the same time, the hyperactivity element of the condition allows them to commit themselves to deals and projects when other colleagues might falter.

Added to that, the impulsivity that is characteristic of many people with ADHD allows them to operate fearlessly, and with a clear head, in high-risk environments that would intimidate many neurotypical entrepreneurs who may overthink, hesitate, or simply be scared off from a business proposition. An example of a risk-taker in business is Richard Branson, the Virgin Group chief, one-time giant in the recording industry, and now space entrepreneur. He also has ADHD and dyslexia.

As for autism, there is an increasing awareness that if the right environment is created, people with autism may actually have an advantage over others, especially in a world dominated by technology where the traditional office environment is less important.

About a decade ago, Thorkil Sonne, the technical director at a Danish telecoms company, learned that his 3-year-old son had autism; however, he saw in the boy an aptitude for mathematics and memory skills that were so unusual that he knew they would serve his son well in technology. Sonne quit his job and started his own company Specialisterne—or “Specialists” in Danish—that recruited workers with autism and found them tech jobs that suited their abilities. Instead of conducting interviews, which people with autism may find intimidating, the company often asks candidates to build something—a robot or a model—from a LEGO kit, which is far more suited both to their abilities and to the jobs they perform. The company has expanded to the United States and elsewhere in recent years, finding people who may lack the social skills necessary for an office environment yet have highly developed abilities in programming and software testing. Sometimes the jobs can be painstaking and repetitive, and therefore beyond the concentration and observation powers of neurotypical people. Sonne compared people with ASD to dandelions—they can be seen as weeds on the lawn, or they can be embraced as spring greens and used in salads. “Every one of us has the power to decide,” he said, “do we see a weed, or do we see an herb?” (Cook, 2012).

Several scientific studies have shown a superior ability in autistic minds to notice minute details, mentally rotate complex three-dimensional structures, and distinguish between sounds. One study (Howlin et al., 2009) concluded that around a third of males with autism have some kind of outstanding ability. People with autism also concentrate more of their brain’s resources on visual processing and less on tasks like planning and impulse control, making them up to 40% faster at problem solving (Khazan, 2015).

In a rapidly changing economy where technology, robotics, and artificial intelligence are playing an increasingly important role—and where many people now have the ability to work remotely from the privacy of their own homes—there are clear niches opening up for people with ASD. Peter Thiel, the billionaire cofounder of PayPal, has even said that Asperger’s syndrome, a mild form of autism, “happens to be a plus for innovation and creating great companies,” allowing people to think differently in a highly competitive industry where new ideas and approaches are the keys to innovation, and where conformity or a herd mentality can doom a company to irrelevance (as cited in Baer, 2015, para. 9).

Tyler Cowen, an economist at George Mason University, argued that with the new economy demanding ever greater specialization of specific skills, especially those in the areas of science, engineering, and mathematics, the prospects for employment for workers with autism are only likely to improve (Cook, 2012).

Take, for example, the case of Joel Bissmire, a young man with autism who was bullied at school and then abused by colleagues at the fast food restaurant where he worked in Brisbane, Australia. One time, his colleagues locked him in a freezer and flicked him so hard with rubber bands that he bled. Yet, with the help of Specialisterne, whose reach is starting to spread around the world, Joel landed a job as a cybersecurity consultant at Hewlett-Packard, where he uses his strong analytical and mathematical skills, attention to detail, and ability to carry out repetitive tasks to secure their computer products (Bavas, 2015).

To help these newly integrated workers fit in to workplaces where they might once have been excluded, many of the big companies in the tech world (e.g., Google, Microsoft, LinkedIn) have been quietly starting affinity groups for different types of thinkers. In addition to helping these different thinkers find and support one another, the groups educate employees about some of the personality quirks that might accompany the gifts that employees with autism bring to work with them.

I recently met a young man at Google who introduced himself to me as an “autistic programmer.” He had just appeared in an educational video that had gone viral throughout the company.

“I am now about as out as you can get, in terms of my autism,” he told me, explaining that “coming out” was worth it. Being open had helped his group change the working environment for others whose social skills and quirky habits were often misunderstood or judged harshly. He explained to me that after he’d been at Google for 3 years, his boss gave him a review that emphasized his need to make eye contact with others and be more social when he was working with his team. He had to educate his boss about the traits that many people with autism display as a result of their neurological makeup. His boss apologized and realized that a better approach would be to educate the other employees, rather than ask this employee to change his personality.

When I look at the way these brave neurodiverse folks are creating an atmosphere of accommodation, discussion, and even celebration around different ways of learning and thinking in their workplaces, I can’t help but compare it to the process we parents went through in founding PEN.

Along with many other parents, we believe we are part of a grassroots revolution in education—one that is already changing the way people with learning differences can approach school and, ultimately, the workplace. Already many schools are adopting our strength-based, individualized approach, even if the language used may differ from place to place. For this reason, we named our annual meetings in San Francisco EdRev, a contraction of “Education Revolution.” Our first gathering was held in spring of 2009 in AT&T (now Oracle) Park, the home of the San Francisco Giants, and has been repeated there every year since. (Trusting our intuition that kids wouldn’t want to attend a function at a school on a Saturday, we chose a ballpark because of its novelty as a conference site and its advertisement of “An Unconventional Space for Unconventional Events.”) EdRev, now subtitled, “A day to think a little differently,” brings together a whole community of students from across the nation who learn differently, as well as the family members and professionals who support them.

The day always features an inspirational keynote speaker, a wide range of workshops, an exhibitor fair, and a student celebration. But most important is the experience attendees have—many for the first time ever—of being part of a community that supports students who learn differently and celebrates their strengths. Every year brings new testimonials from families about the transformational effect of attending. This truly unique event now attracts visitors from across the country each year.

For example, I received the following e-mail from a first-time attendee in 2016.

Dewey,

I hope you are well. I just wanted to THANK YOU again for inviting my family to the EdRev event earlier this year. It was truly an eye-opening, life-changing experience for the whole family! Especially for my husband who, as you might remember, was in denial that our daughter even had a learning difference.

After returning home ... we soon scouted a school for children with learning difference[s] and found one we really liked.

Our daughter has started this school year at Center Academy in Tampa and loves it! She is doing really well! And life at home has changed dramatically. The school has a no homework policy unless the child does not finish their work in class. And we love that part!

The stress and anxiety that school once generated is in the past!

She has even made new friends, she’s confident and does not have to worry about being judged or being bullied in this school.

I remember sharing with you how my daughter had asked a teacher a math question and was told by her teacher that “the question could not be answered because they were not allow to teach past her grade level (even in the advanced gifted program).”

Not so in her new school! She needed to be challenged so they allowed her to learn with the fifth graders. A few weeks later she tested out of fourth-grade math. This blew my husband away!

The first report card just came out and it’s the first time she has ever earned straight A’s and made the Principal’s list!

It might have [been] many years later before my husband would have accepted my daughter’s learning difference and finally [made] the decision to change schools if it weren’t for EdRev.

– Thank you!

The programs and principles we developed during 15 years of PEN have been proven to work, demonstrably improving academic and life outcomes for students with learning and attention differences, as well as for their parents. In 2013, we launched a strategic planning process, led by specialists in the field, to uncover what exactly lay behind their effectiveness and how we could make our model replicable for other groups of parents around the country. The result was what is known in the nonprofit world as a “theory of change,” an underlying set of assumptions about how social change occurs. Our theory of change defines how we achieve these outcomes and the role that our work plays in shaping progress. The following is what we uncovered.

PEN’S THEORY OF CHANGE

If parents and their children who learn differently . . .

are exposed to the latest learning research and apply that research to daily decisions;

connect face-to-face with each other, share resources to meet common needs, and create a community working together for student success; and

collaborate with professionals who also strive to apply the latest learning research;

then . . .

the chances increase that children with learning and attention differences will reach their full potential and become all they can be.

I provide this theory of change here in the hope that anyone approaching these issues in their family or their community will find PEN’s model worthy of emulation. To me, the principles that PEN is based on are self-evident, but they are also proven by years of success for our students and our growth as an organization. In essence, PEN is a real-time demonstration of a community putting the variability mindset into practice. This means placing the student voice at the center of the conversation, emphasizing the amazing strengths of students who learn differently, and forging collaborative relationships to support each student.

I believe that PEN, in its forward-looking approach, grounded in the ideas of universal variability and personalized education, represented the future of community work in this field. It offered a successful model for parents and community groups around the country. In 2017, PEN merged with Children’s Health Council in Palo Alto, CA. There is a need for more organizations around the country that provide a community for parents of children with learning differences to get the support they need.

After so many years of dealing with a culture of secrecy and stigma around accommodations for individuals who learn differently, more schools—and enlightened managers in the workplace—are now leading the charge for change. Productivity rises with effectiveness when students, workers, and team members feel supported and understood.

The only real risk for parents is inaction. I understand your concerns; you may feel paralyzed by the task ahead, or you think it will take time to absorb these lessons and master the ways to put it all into action. Yes, you’ll make mistakes along the way—everybody does. But the only real mistake is to not show up as a parent. Simply by exposing yourself to the new and effective ways of dealing with these challenges, you have already taken the first step. The next chapter provides a list of tools to conquer your doubts and give your child the chance to successfully make their way in the world, using all of their talents and thriving on your support.

Thank you for reading this book. I sincerely hope you have learned something from it that will help you help your child. All children are deserving and capable of having a happy and successful life. Please check out my website at https://www.deweyrosetti.com. Or e-mail me at deweyrosetti2020@gmail.com with questions, concerns, and additional ideas to make parenting struggling kids a successful journey.