Most of us find apologizing to be an unpleasant task because it means admitting we were wrong and because we fear being rebuffed.Saying “I’m Sorry”
It’s unrealistic to think that we can go through life without ever having to apologize for either an omission or commission of some sort. From the time that we first learned to say “I’m sorry, Mommy. I won’t ever do that again,” we find ourselves in situations where we have to do damage control. We forgot a lunch appointment. We forgot a birthday or anniversary. We embarrassed a friend by telling others something best left unsaid. We snapped at a coworker because we were under stress. We neglected to tell the boss that the meeting had been cancelled. And these are just the small things for which we might have to apologize.
Most of us find making an apology an unpleasant task at best. First of all, we have to make contact with the person or persons we have offended, upset, or injured, when we’d rather hide out for a while. Second, apologizing usually requires admitting that we were wrong—something most of us don’t relish doing. Further, for many of us, apologizing means assuming an inferior position or giving someone else the upper hand. And if the person to whom we apologize refuses to accept it, we feel rejected and rebuffed.
Without a doubt, apologizing puts us in a vulnerable position. However, a sincere, well-handled apology, whether in business, in personal relationships, or in an encounter with a stranger, can be a healing, renewing experience, not only for the receiver of the apology but also for the giver.
When you find yourself in a situation that requires an apology, a few guidelines may make your efforts more productive.
Avoid trite, catch-all statements. I usually feel underserved and offended when the apology entails the cliché, “I’m sorry for any inconvenience,” that we all receive from businesses that cause us problems. If people are already angry, this brush-off makes them angrier. And the word “any” implies that no one has bothered to consider the specific effect the mistake has produced. In fact, it almost creates an element of doubt about the whole thing, as if to say, “You’re such a whiner. You probably weren’t really inconvenienced at all, but just in case, we’re sort of sorry.”
Rather than relying on worn-out phrases, let people know that you understand the difficulty that the situation has caused or the hurt and anger that have resulted from your words or actions. For example, an apology such as “I’m sorry that I was late in providing you with the information you asked me for. I know that my lack of response caused you to miss your deadline” or, “I apologize that you had to make four calls to track me down. I know you’re busy, and I understand how frustrating it is to need to talk to someone who is unavailable” lets the person receiving the apology know that you really do realize how your action (or inaction) caused a problem. Even though you may not have intentionally created the situation, at least you let people know that you understand their dilemma.
Focus on solutions. Making excuses or explaining why something happened won’t appease most people. And telling people how you will prevent the incident from occurring in the future doesn’t do much for the person who is on the receiving end of the mishap. It immediately raises the question “Why didn’t you do that before it happened to me?” When you are responsible for something going wrong, apologize and take responsibility for setting things straight. Whether it’s an irate customer, an unhappy supervisor, or a wronged friend, results count. For that reason, finding and implementing solutions add clout to the apologetic words. If the way to resolve the situation is obvious, simply announce what you intend to do, and do it. If, however, the solution is less clear, you may want to present a couple of options and let the other person make the choice. Sometimes, involving people in generating solutions not only starts to rebuild the relationship but also lets them know that you are committed to making things right.
Be sincere. Some people grudgingly apologize when they’ve run out of all other options. As a result, the apology comes across as a kind of demand to forget it. “Hey, I said I’m sorry. Isn’t that enough?” Or their words might say “I’m sorry,” while their body language and tone of voice say “I’m only doing this to shut you up!”
Apologizing means genuinely regretting what happened and being dedicated to avoiding any action that would cause the problem again. If you can’t send a convincing message that you’re sorry in a face-to-face encounter, try putting it in writing (sending flowers may be appropriate in some situations).
End on a positive note. After you’ve apologized, the conversation may still center on the rift. Make sure that you bring some closure to the issue and reestablish rapport so you can avoid awkwardness at the next encounter. One way to do that is to shift to a neutral or positive subject before ending the dialogue. “Oh, by the way, Isabel, I hear you’ve gotten started on the Morrison project. How did the fact-finding meeting go?” Or, “John, how does your son like his new bike?” Turning the conversation in another, less sensitive direction helps normalize the situation and moves both parties forward in the relationship.
Avoid overuse of “I’m sorry.” While some of us have trouble apologizing, others seem to apologize too often. People who use the words “I’m sorry” to excess seem to be apologizing all the time and therefore dilute an actual apology when it’s necessary. We all know individuals who are habitually “sorry.” “I’m sorry. You have the wrong number.” “I’m sorry. I must not have made myself clear.” “I’m sorry, George. Can we go over that again?” “I’m sorry. I don’t have that information. Janice has it.” “I’m sorry. I was out when you called.”
In these cases, the “I’m sorry” isn’t really an apology but a conversation smoother. As communication expert and author Deborah Tannen puts it, “you’re expressing regret without assigning or taking blame.” And although taking others’ feelings into account is an admirable position, overdoing “I’m sorry” can reflect negatively on your competence and self-assurance.
If you happen to be the one receiving an apology, accept it. A few words may not come close to compensating for the hurt or damage a situation has caused, but refusing to accept an apology diminishes the chances of salvaging the relationship. Even if the apology can’t mend the situation, at least you can thank the person for taking the time to talk to you.
In some cases, you may in fact need to share some of the blame. For example, “I should have reminded you that those numbers were critical to the decision process.” If such a response isn’t appropriate or if the apology is inadequate or insincere, accept the attempt as a step in the right direction, and allow the person to save face. Remember that it probably won’t be too very long before you find yourself having to issue an apology of your own, and you’ll be grateful for a cordial response.
Most of us find apologizing to be an unpleasant task because it means admitting we were wrong and because we fear being rebuffed.
Apologize with sincerity and explain how you will solve the problem.
End an apology on a positive note to smooth the way for future communication.
Be receptive when you are on the receiving end of an apology.
A sincere, well-handled apology, whether in business, in personal relationships, or in an encounter with a stranger, can be a healing, renewing experience for the receiver and for the giver.
Over the next thirty days,
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