SHI JI 126: THE BIOGRAPHIES OF WITS AND HUMORISTS (EXCERPT)201

ACTOR ZHAN

Actor Zhan was a dwarf entertainer of Qin. He was clever at making pronouncements that were amusing and at the same time in complete accord with the Way.
One time the First Emperor of the Qin was holding a banquet when it started to rain. All the guards stationed with their shields on the palace steps were drenched and freezing. Actor Zhan noticed them and, feeling sorry for them, said, “Would you like a rest?”
“We certainly would!” the guards on the steps all replied.
Actor Zhan said, “When you hear me call you, you answer ‘Yes sir!’ as quick as you can.”
After a while in the upper part of the hall the toasts and cries of “Long Life!” began. Actor Zhan leaned over the railing and called out in a loud voice, “Guardsmen!”
The guardsmen answered, “Yes sir!”
Actor Zhan said, “Tall as you are, it’s no good — you get to stand in the rain. But short as I am, I get to take things easy in here!”
With this the First Emperor gave orders for half of the guards to be relieved, and then to take their turn relieving the other half.
The First Emperor once called for discussions on a plan to enlarge his hunting park so it would extend east to the Hangu Pass and west as far as Yong and Chen Granary.202
Actor Zhan said, “Splendid! Then we can turn a lot of wild birds and beasts loose in here, and if any rebels try to come in from the east, we’ll get the deer and elk to butt them. That’ll stop ‘em!”
The First Emperor decided to drop the idea.
When the Second Emperor came to the throne, he wanted to have the city walls lacquered.
“Splendid!” said Actor Zhan. “Even if Your Majesty hadn’t mentioned it, I fully intended to make such a proposal. True, lacquering the walls may be some worry and expense for the people, but how nice they’ll look!
Lacquer walls all slick and shining —
when the rebels come, they’ll never climb ’em!
“But now about the work. The lacquering is easy enough. Only rigging a drying shed might be something of a problem.”
The Second Emperor burst out laughing and the idea was accordingly dropped. Not long after, the Second Emperor was killed and Actor Zhan went over to the side of Han. He died a few years later.