We sat at Jackson’s small dining table, devouring Thai takeout, ravenous after our multiple nocturnal activities.
“Peyton.” He stared at me over a fork full of rice, his eyes serious. “You don’t have to worry about being good at this. You’re already resisting less, letting your body organically do what it wants to when we’re together. Your confidence is growing—you practically attacked me—which I loved. Do you feel the difference?”
I smiled through a mouthful of curry.
“Yes.” I swallowed. “But it’s easy with you for some reason.”
“We’ve created an environment of trust and respect. That’s all.”
“You better not fall in love or you’ll never let me go.” I teased but when he glanced away, all my insecurities raised their ugly heads. “I’m joking.”
“I know,” he said, his eyes averted.
I followed his gaze, and everything I’d gained during our session bolted away faster than a bullet train. He was staring at a framed picture of him and Kat and Evie on a hike in the mountains.
“Are you upset?”
He slid his gaze back to my face, and he reached his hand across the table and brought my hand to his lips. The light from the glass pendant over the table reflected off the damn wedding ring.
“Did you think of her while you were with me tonight?” The thought came into my mind and popped out of my mouth.
Every muscle in his body tensed, and he dropped my hand. “What you and I do has nothing to do with her.”
He swallowed collecting the takeout containers. “I’m trying here.”
An ache pulsed in my chest. He didn’t say it, but all I heard was yes.
“Trying to what?”
“Move on.” He ground his jaw, the muscles under his skin dancing.
I slammed the lid on my food container, no longer hungry.
“Then why do you wear the ring?” I asked. “Why kiss her when you won’t kiss me?”
“Is that what this is about? You want me to kiss you.”
My cheeks burned. “No. But it’s telling that you’re using me to get over her—which is fine—but she’s the one you kiss. Evie agrees.”
“Don’t tell me about my daughter,” he snapped, throwing scraps of the meal into the plastic bag it came in. “You don’t know anything about me and you sure as hell don’t know her.”
My chin quivered but I ground my teeth until I gained purchase of my emotions.
“I know enough,” I challenged. “You’re protective of the things you care about. You asked Derrick to move up the self-defense class for me. You went with me to bring back my things. You would’ve beat the shit out of Chip if you’d met him. You’re just blind when it comes to her.”
He tossed the bag into the trashcan in the kitchen.
“I get it. I’m a chump. I forgave my wife for cheating.”
“You forgave your wife because you’re still in love with her, not because what she did was forgivable. God forbid you admit she did something wrong, then you couldn’t be in love with her. You can’t get hurt again if you keep yourself locked in a cage of delusion.”
He snatched my tote from the entry bench and yanked the front door open.
“You should leave.”
“No,” I said, crossing my arms. My insides twisted, but I wouldn’t leave like this, with him angry.
“This is my place. I want you to go.” His voice was shaking.
“You need to talk about this. Do you really think she’ll leave Devan and come back to you?”
Jackson cast a worried glance out the door, then quickly shut it from prying ears, and dropped my bag.
“Do you think that’s why she kisses you? It’s not. Kat’s using you to make herself feel better. You’re her life preserver as she swims from her old life to her new one. Just because she isn’t monogamous with her new boyfriend, doesn’t mean it’s because she wants to be with you. It’s because she’s afraid to be stuck again.”
A black shadow clouded Jackson’s face, his hands balled at his side.
“You have no fucking clue what you’re talking about. You don’t know anything about her or our relationship.”
“But I do. I was raised by a woman like her. My mom didn’t like to be tied down. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But until Kat realizes it herself, she’ll keep whoever is willing in her clutches, never letting you be free. Devan and you both know about each other and you’re both willing to let her flounce back and forth. Are you really okay with that?”
The tendons in Jackson’s neck bulged.
“Get the fuck out of here right now, Peyton.” His voice dripped with fury.
He wouldn’t budge. That was clear. I wore my underwear and my shirt, but my skirt was in his room. I found it crumbled at the end of the bed tied up with the sheets.
When I came out, Jackson stood tense by the front door. He stared ahead, his eyes cold.
“I’m right, Jackson. That’s why you’re angry.”
Jackson marched toward me and I took a step back.
“I’m pissed because I just stuck my fingers in someone’s pussy that I might hate. Get the fuck out.”
I stumbled backward and blinked rapidly, holding back the tears that rushed into my eyes.
“Please don’t tell Kat about this. I know you will but—”
“That’s what you’re worried about?” he scoffed.
“I’m worried about a lot of things,” I said, cold prickles running over my skin.
Tonight had been amazing. Why did I slash our post-coital bubble with vicious jabs?
“I’ll give you one less thing to worry about. Whatever this was, it’s over.”
And he slashed me right back.
I ground my teeth, and held my muscles tight to stop myself from shaking.
“Evie said your eyes follow Kat around like a puppy dog when she’s in the room. At first, I thought that was harsh, but she’s right. You’re pathetic. Her words.”
Jackson’s face burned red, his expression volcanic. I inched toward the door, fearing his eruption.
“You don’t hate me.” I stepped into the hallway. “You hate yourself for loving her.”