“I fucked up.”
“Which guy are we talking about?” Selena sucked down the dregs of her margarita.
“Both of them. I abandoned Derrick. Leaving him feeling rejected in the worst way, and then I lashed out at Jackson. What the hell is wrong with me?”
“It’s not your fault he couldn’t get hard,” Selena said.
Selena sat back against the torn, duct tape covered booth at Tequila Tekillya in the West Village. She was back in town and we were having happy hour drinks on the following Friday.
“I know that now. But I was in such a state I ran to Jackson to lick my wounds,” I said. “Then I was horrible to him, too.”
“You’re a dumbass.” Selena crunched on a chip.
I narrowed my eyes, unamused.
“Why do you think you said that stuff to him?” Serena widened her eyes in mock question. She already had a theory about my behavior.
“I don’t know. I’m an idiot. Like you said.”
“You’re protecting yourself because you like him.”
“Derrick?” I filled my glass with the watered down margarita from the pitcher we shared.
“No. Jackson.” She shook her head exasperated. “Your mom screwed you up.”
Appropriately, a rerun of my mom’s soap opera played on the old box television in the corner. She’d been retired for years, hop-living in her three homes. The money from her work on the show had been very good, and she also learned the stock market and became a day trader during her spare time.
Her finances weren’t anywhere near a Wall Street bankers’ or anything, but she made a comfortable living and was able to have homes around the US—Hawaii, Breckenridge, Tarrytown.
“Where is she this month?”
“Hiking in Breck. She loves the wildflowers this time of year. And the fireman there is an added benefit.” Those mountains were one of my favorite places on earth, any season. In the summer the foliage was lush and the mild weather was perfect for the gorgeous hikes. Fall was magical with the spattering of golden Alpines and crisp weather, and winter was for skiing and drinking by the fire.
“This isn’t about my mother. And she didn’t ruin me.”
“A little bit.” Selena wrinkled her nose. “Don’t get me wrong. I love Grace, but you have no idea what a healthy, monogamous relationship looks like. If you were like your mom, it would’ve been fine. But you’re not. You like stability.”
“I wish I could be like her. Free as a bird.”
The waitress lay our plate of dollar tacos between us. Selena took a bite, salsa dripping out of the tortilla shell.
“That’s the problem. You never had a good example of what a heteronormative relationship looks like. Your dad was wrecked by what happened between your mom and him, and then he was gone. You don’t know how to be in a relationship, and at the same time you’re waiting for whoever you’re with to leave like your dad did.”
“Fuck,” I said at the realization. My hands were folded on the sticky table, and I rested my chin on top of them.
“You’re starting to get feelings for Jackson, but he’s still attached to his ex. In your mind, he’ll never get over her. Your father never got over your mom.”
“Jackson and I aren’t a couple. We’re just doing this crazy thing.”
Selena pet my hair. “That’s how it started. How it’s going is a different story. Something changed the other night.”
I shrugged. “I can have feelings for Jackson without it being the end of the world. Not that it matters anymore. At least our lessons taught me that having deeper feelings makes being vulnerable in bed easier.”
“Do you like Derrick?”
“He’s sexy.” I smiled into my hands.
“But do you like him?”
I sat back and stretched my arms into my lap.
“I’m attracted to him. Not just his looks, I’m impressed by everything he does for women and what he’s done with the company. And when we were making out it was steamy. You know… until it wasn’t. But he explained all that.” I puckered my lips over the straw and sucked down my drink. “And yeah, I’ve got feelings for Jackson. But that’s over now. I made sure of it.”
Selena flicked me with her straw. “You were protecting yourself, mi amore.”
I laughed, warmth filling the cold void. “I love you, Lena.”
“I love you, too.”
The light was on in Jackson’s office when I arrived at work on Monday. I walked the long way to my workstation, so he wouldn’t see me pass by his office, which turned out to be pointless.
A reminder chimed on my phone. My weekly meeting with Prathi was in five minutes.
When I walked into the conference room, Prathi sat at the far end of the long table, Jackson on the other side. I glanced between them and took the chair across from Jackson.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
Normally, Prathi and I met for a few minutes to make sure the relationship with Jackson was still consensual, she made some notes, and I left.
“I asked to join the meeting today,” he said.
He didn’t look at me, and I took the chance to study him. He had a tan, his muscles leaner, his biceps more defined. His attitude was cold, but there was a lightness and glow about him.
“What’s going on?” Prathi raised her eyebrows. “Has something altered in your relationship?”
“There is no longer a relationship,” Jackson said.
My chest tightened. I knew it, but to hear it…
“It’s run its course,” he said.
I swallowed over the lump of emotions in my throat. “Yep,” I forced out. “We, uh, ended everything last week.”
Prathi typed on her iPad.
“If this changes, let me know.”
I could guess what Jackson was about to say, so I jumped in.
“It won’t,” I said.
For the first time, Jackson flicked his eyes to me. I popped my lips up into a perfunctory smile. His eyebrows knitted, but I kept the smile on my lips like everything was as it should be and I was cool with it.
“Jackson, you’re free to go,” Prathi said. “I have one more thing to discuss with you, Peyton.”
He rounded the table and paused for a brief moment beside my chair but then walked out the door.
“Are you still in a relationship with Derrick?” she asked.
Jackson stopped again just outside the door. I walked over and shut it.
“We went out two weekends ago. And I’m his date for the company party.”
Prathi typed and then turned the screen to me and I read the short report.
“All the information looks correct,” I said.
Correct on paper. But there was so much more underneath it all.
“There’s a big meeting with NOW’s podcast division tomorrow. I need you to stay late and put together the numbers for all our social media accounts.”
Analise had been scrambling all day, preparing for the meeting. Dreamary and NOW agreed on a price for the acquisition—if we’re the one they choose to buy—now it was figuring out all the nuts and bolts before they made their final decision.
It was well after nine when I sent Analise the final document. Most of the lights in the office were off, the last rays of the sun gone. I packed up my tote and passed by the lounge, filling my water bottle with white wine from the wine carafe.
“That’s against company policy.”
The voice startled me, and I spilled wine onto my hand.
Jackson walked to the fridge and pulled out his leftovers from lunch.
“Are you going to tell on me?” I asked, shaking off the droplets and wiping my hand on my shorts.
“Never.”
He didn’t smile, but his tone was light. He tapped the top of his Tupperware container.
“Did you get me that thing of bananas?” he asked.
“It was meant to be a peace offering. A fruit basket of bananas. I liked the innuendo.” I slid past him and he followed me down the hallway. “I didn’t know you’d be gone for a week.”
“It was a nasty site this morning.”
I’d purposely left the rotting fruit in his office. I wanted him to know that I’d tried to apologize and come back to the mess.
“I’m not sorry.” I’d meant it as a joke, but it sounded like I was still mad about how we’d left it. “I mean, I am sorry. That’s why I sent it. I was trying to get you to laugh.”
“It was funny.” His steady gaze found mine. “Can we talk?” he asked when we were outside his office.
Wearily, I walked to the sofa and sat on the edge. He took the armchair across from me. I sucked from my sports bottle, the wine exploding my glands when it sprayed into my mouth. I coughed, covering my mouth and trying to play it off, but Jackson’s lips were twitching as he held back a laugh.
“You ran away,” I said, getting to the point, once I recovered some composure. “To Italy.”
“I didn’t run—”
“You biked.”
“I meant—”
“I know what you meant.”
“Peyton, can I speak,” he scolded.
“Sorry.”
“I didn’t run away. But I also welcomed an excuse to escape this place for a bit.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought we were friends, Peyton, and out of nowhere you punched me in the gut.”
All my bluster faded. There was only one thing to say.
“You’re right.” I twirled my bottle in my hands. “I was horrible. And I’m sorry.”
Jackson leaned forward. “I know you are.”
“You forgive me?” I held my breath, my heart hitching in my chest.
“I forgave you the minute you walked out the door. At least, I wanted to.”
“But you said it’s over. And you ghosted me for a week.” I sucked the mouthpiece and coughed again as the wine sprayed into the back of my throat.
“For god’s sake.” Jackson snatched a glass from a shelf and handed it to me. I transferred the wine and sipped it feeling more like a grown woman and less like a baby suckling her bottle.
“You’ve gained the confidence you wanted,” he said. “That’s why we’re done.”
I opened my mouth to argue because I hadn’t even done the one big thing I wanted to do, oral sex, but I wasn’t going to push it. If he wanted it to be over, I wouldn’t grovel.
“Right. This is good.” I wiped my hands on my black linen shorts. “I’m going out with Derrick again and he was honest with me about why that thing happened on our date. That’s exactly what you said makes a good sexual partner… vulnerability and honesty.”
I leaned back and kicked my ankle over the opposite knee, giving an air of relaxed confidence.
“The timing is perfect. I like Derrick, and he can, you know, take over.” My chest ached, and I rubbed it with my palm.
Jackson’s light eyes studied me like he was looking for clues to the truth behind the statement.
“Take over the lessons?” Jackson asked, confused.
“Kind of.” I laughed like this was all amusing. “It would’ve been nice to pleasure you—for practice—but I can do it with Derrick.”
My cool exterior was fighting with my inner mess. Jackson was done with the sexual side of our relationship, and I didn’t want him to know that if he said the word, I’d climb over the coffee table and devour him.
One day ago, he’d been with his ex-wife and daughter in Italy, and I’d been counting down the minutes until he returned. In my warped mind, I thought we could get back to that moment at his dining room table, blissed out, before I slammed a wrecking ball into everything.
“Kat’s coming back,” he said.
“She just got there,” I said, all the blood draining from my head.
Jackson’s phone beeped and he hurriedly typed on his phone as he spoke. “I meant she might move back in with me when she gets back. Evie and her.”
“You’re getting back together?” My heart pumped faster, the blood rushing through my head making me dizzy.
Jackson continued to type, avoiding eye contact, like he was worried he’d see the judgment in my eyes. There was plenty of it in my head, but I was trying to keep it off my face.
“But isn’t she in India with Devan for the next month?”
Jackson sat back and put his phone on the coffee table. His demeanor had shifted. His expression was unfazed, but his shoulders had reached up to his ears, tense.
“She has a responsibility to the organization and can’t leave yet.”
I shut my eyes, trying to get a grip on what he was saying.
“But she’s not with Devan anymore?”
His lips thinned out. “We’re figuring it out.”
“So are you back together?”
“We’re working on it.” He smiled. It was tight and unsure. “I’m sorry if that’s upsetting.”
I bristled. “I’m not upset. I’m confused. She’s the one who shoved us together in our little sexual arrangement. Now she’s moving back in with you?”
“Yes. Maybe.”
My palms were sweaty and I wiped them on the sofa cushions. “Was I a pawn in a game you two were playing?”
Jackson’s eyebrows shot up. “No.”
“Yes. Yes.” I nodded, thinking back to everything.
Jackson sat beside me and I shot up, putting several feet between us.
“Let me map this out for you,” I said. “Kat suggested our triste, then fled to another country with another man, only to immediately realize she wanted you back. Is that about right?”
Jackson shook his head like he was trying to get a grip on the situation.
“We didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said.
We?
I threw my hands up. “I’m not hurt. I’m pissed. You used me.”
He put his hand on my arm and I flinched as if I’d been burned.
“I’m sorry,” Jackson said.
My nostrils flared, and my mind scrambled to figure out how to get out of this gracefully. I took a long deep breath and said as calmly as I could manage.
“We don’t owe each other anything, Jackson. We both got what we wanted out of the agreement, right? I would never have said yes to dating Derrick. You helped instill that confidence in me. And you wanted all that pain that Kat put you through over the past year to be forgotten and to move on. And you’re doing that. You’re moving on.”
I smiled grimly, and his face dropped, absorbing the irony in my last sentence.
“I…” But he had no words to defend himself.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I wanted to make him feel as foolish as I did.