“Where have you been hiding?” Evan asks. It’s a question he, Ashley, and my mother have all been asking for the last two weeks. I’ve resurfaced to see Evan at the mall before I head downtown to the library to meet up with Ashley for book club.
“I’ve just been hanging out,” I say slowly. Where I’ve really been—with Reid, whenever he’s not too busy—is not something Evan wants to know. He wouldn’t like it, but mostly he wouldn’t understand it, in part because I can’t really explain it. It’s not about anything Reid says, does, or gives me. It’s more about how I feel when I’m with him.
“Hanging out like an apple waiting to be picked.” Evan sounds pretty self-righteous for a guy sweating under an ugly red Halo Burger hat. His awkwardness makes me sigh.
“Whatever,” I say. I knew meeting up with Evan was a mistake, but I’m trying to maintain our friendship, and I also want Mom to keep thinking that he’s my boyfriend. “How about you?” I ask in the most friendly manner I can summon.
“You’ve been at Reid’s, I know it,” he says with an icy tone.
“No,” I answer, which isn’t a total lie. Reid and I spend some time at his house, but mostly we’ve driving around, either in the Viper or in Mom’s “borrowed” Malibu. She’s yet to discover that we’re taking her wheels while she works.
“He’s no good. You know that, right?” Evan’s voice cracks.
“Just because he and Vic don’t like each other, that—”
“I don’t even like my brother, so this has nothing to do with him,” Evan cuts me off.
“Jealous,” I whisper under my breath.
“I don’t think so,” Evan says, trying to sound confident.
“Really?” I arch the eyebrow that—if everything goes as planned—I’ll be getting pierced to night by Becca, after which the four of us will stay the whole night at Reid’s. The party ban is lifted at his house, so everybody’s coming over. Everybody but Evan, Ashley, and Vic.
Evan scratches his whisker-free chin and says, “Maybe I am jealous. Paint me green like it’s St. Patrick’s Day and I’ll be your leprechaun of love.”
I try hard not to laugh, but I’m way too tired.
“You think I’m real funny,” Evan says. “At school, I’m funny enough to laugh with, but now you’re laughing at me. I’m the one who should be laughing at you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You should talk to Vic about Reid, he’s got lots of stories to tell. Most of them are about girls Reid fucked, then fucked over.”
“You’re just saying that,” I shoot back, angry at myself for reaching out to him. I want us to stay friends, but I guess if I can’t be his girlfriend, then I can only be his enemy.
“Ask Vic about how Reid gets his money,” Evan continues. “Or ask him yourself.”
“Maybe I could ask Vic why Reid doesn’t want him hanging out there anymore,” I snap back. “Maybe I could ask Vic why he’s such a loser. Just like his brother.”
“Fine, Danielle,” Evan says, then stands up. “I’ve got to go work at a real job.”
“Fine yourself,” I say, pushing the tray of half-eaten food across the table at him.
“You should take that advice,” Evan says as he picks up the tray. “You should find yourself, because I think you’re lost.”
“You are so annoying.” I start to walk away, but he grabs my hand.
“You’re right, I’m annoying, but you know what else I am?” he asks. He lets my hand drop as I pretend not to hear him say, “I’m somebody who cares and doesn’t want you hurt.”
• • •
I’m sitting on the bus enjoying the new Lil Wayne on a sweet iPod Nano that Reid gave me. I’m trying to let the music distract me, but it’s not working. I’m not sure why, but Evan’s got me all upset, mostly because of the things I wish I’d said to him. He’s wrong: I have found myself, found myself in Reid’s eyes. Before this summer, when I looked in a mirror I saw this lumpy, awkward outsider. But when Reid sees me, he sees someone different. He sees a hot girl who he wants to be with. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like Danielle the Dork, I feel like Danielle the Desirable.
In some ways, though, I’m more frustrated than ever because there’s nobody I can tell. I almost want to grab one of these random people on the bus and make them listen to me. I can’t tell Mom, Evan, or even Ashley about Reid. They all disapprove for one reason or another, mostly because they’re jealous. Friends and family always say they want you to be happy, but I’m wondering now if that’s just another lie. They only want me to be happy, if it’s on their terms.
I meet Ashley in front of the library a few minutes before book club starts. I showed up as late as I could because after Evan’s lunch lecture, I didn’t need another one from Ashley. She’s wearing her “Give Peace a Chance” T-shirt, and I wonder if that’s some subtle message. But she surprises me by acting like everything’s fine and we start talking like old times, until I notice that something’s wrong. This isn’t me; it’s who I used to be.
Book club is strange. Unlike last year, when I read every book cover to cover, I hadn’t finished the book, Beauty. I still said a few things I remembered about another book by Robin McKinley, but it seemed like Ashley was always trying to top or contradict the few things I did say. Whenever Mike or David spoke, though, Ashley was telling them how great their comments were.
After book club, Ashley and I wait for her mom by the Longway Planetarium. It’s a hot day, and we have our shoes off, cooling our feet in the small reflecting pool behind the building. We talk about a lot of stuff, but I never mention Reid, even though that’s all I want to talk about.
Knowing Ashley’s mom would be right on time, not a minute too soon or too late, I wait until almost the last moment to say something serious. “Ashley, I need a favor.”
“CliffsNotes for the next book,” she cracks as she splashes water my way.
“Can I spend the night at your house to night?” I ask.
“It’s about time,” Ashley says.
“You’re sure it’s okay?” I ask very slowly.
“I’ll just tell the ’rents,” she says. “They like you, Danielle. My mom even asked why you weren’t hanging out as much. She was all scared we’d had a fight or something.”
“BFFs never fight,” I say. Then I splash water back at her.
“Wrong! Splash fight!” Ashley yells. I let out a loud laugh as we kick our legs wildly in the water, like people drowning. But when I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflecting pool, I think about how long I felt like I was underwater, until Reid pulled me out and resuscitated me.
• • •
It’s around ten when we hear the door to her parents’ room close. Ashley’s got a whole pile of science fiction and fantasy DVDs. She’s settling in for the evening.
“What do you want to watch first?” she asks.
“Ash, I need another favor,” I say.
“What’s that?”
“I can trust you, right?” She nods in agreement. “I’m not really going to spend the night here.”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“I’m going over to Reid’s to night,” I say, biting my lip even as I speak the words.
“But you said you were …”
“Ashley, I’m sorry, but I need you to cover for me. It will—”
But she cuts me off. “I’m cold.” She sits on her bed, and starts rocking herself for comfort.
“Please, just this one time.”
“No, it won’t be one time,” she hisses. “You’ll want me to cover for you again and again and again. Pretty soon, you won’t ask, you’ll just assume that I’ll cover for you and your lies.”
“Ashley, please,” I beg.
“I’m not going to do it,” she says, shaking her head violently back and forth.
“Best friends forever,” I counter, pulling rank.
“A friend doesn’t ask a friend to lie,” she says, then stares at me.
“One time.” I’m almost shouting now.
“Once the lies start, they never fucking end,” Ashley hisses again.
I’m in silent shock. I’ve never heard Ashley drop the f-bomb anywhere anytime.
“Until you fucking die,” she says, curling up in a ball in the corner of her bed.
“Ashley, what’s going on?” I ask.
“What the fuck do you care?” she shouts.
“Where is this coming from?” I try to edge closer, but her angry eyes push me back.
“Get out of my sight!” she says, throwing a pillow in my direction.
“Ashley, look, I’m sorry.” I start to cry, but Ashley, as always, holds her tears inside.
“Just leave me, like everybody else,” she says, her back—and her heart—turned away from me.
I try to speak again, but no words come. Quickly and quietly, I gather up my overnight bag, then tiptoe like a thief down the stairs and out the door.
I wait for Reid outside of Ashley’s for a long time since I can’t call him. I don’t get my cell back until next week. My first call will be to Ashley, and I hope she’ll still talk to me. I don’t know what she’ll do to night if Mom calls; I don’t know what she’ll say if her parents ask where I am. As I stand in the dark, I imagine something worse. Maybe I don’t know Ashley at all.
But my dark thoughts scatter when Reid arrives. We kiss, but he seems distracted. We don’t talk much on the ride out to his house; we just listen to music booming like a tidal wave over us. “Some weird stuff going on,” he finally says. “Maybe it’d be better if you lie low until people leave.”
“Reid, did I do something, because—” He cuts off my doubts with a kiss.
“I gotta do a little business first,” Reid says the minute we pull into his driveway.
I nod, then lean to kiss him again, but he backs away. We climb from the car.
“Meet me in the alley in an hour,” he says. Then he takes off for the garage and leaves me alone.
I shrug, smile, and head toward the alley. There are only a few cars I recognize from before, but one stands out: Vic’s junker. I watch Reid go into the garage, following far behind. The door facing the alley’s cracked open, and I lean in to listen. It’s easy to hear since the normally cool Reid is shouting. “Vic, I told you to stay away from here!”
“It’s your fault I lost my job,” Vic shouts back. “I want compensation.”
“You lost your job because you’re an idiot!”
“I lost my job because I was a thief,” Vic counters.
“Face it, Vic, you’re just a loser,” Reid says sharply.
“I lost my job stealing shit for you. You got so fucking much, Reid, give me something!”
“I’ll give you something,” Reid shouts. “I’ll give you ten fucking seconds to get the hell out of here. If you ever come back, I’ll kick your ass. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.”
“You don’t scare me anymore,” Vic says, but the quavering tone trumps his words.
I don’t wait for Vic to leave before I bolt back into the alley. I light up a Camel, but it doesn’t calm me down.
When Reid doesn’t come out, I go inside. I hang out with other people most of the night. Reid’s busy taking calls and being the center of the storm. I think twenty times of calling Ashley, begging her to get her mom to pick me up and save me from myself. But I never make that call. After the last person leaves, around two in the morning, I join Reid in the basement for our first night together.
“Just a crazy night,” Reid says as he lies down on the sofa. “But you’ll make it all right.”
“Really?” I ask before I kneel down.
“You know why?” he asks, then kisses the top of my head. “’Cuz you’re the best ever.”