Checklist for HealthIf your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.
— DANIEL GOLEMAN
One of my teachers once said, “You can do all the meditation you want, but if you don’t do emotional clearing, it’s all for nothing.”
There is an undeniable connection between physical and emotional health. They are so closely linked that sometimes it’s difficult to see the distinction between the two. Mothers have this intuitive sense of the connection, such as when, for example, a little one suddenly develops a “stomachache” every morning before school. Mom will ask questions, only to find out a classmate has been bullying him. The physical symptoms manifest on school mornings, when the child fears seeing the bully at school. I once heard that there are more heart attacks in middle-aged men at nine on Monday morning than any other time. Is that a coincidence? Or is it the dread of a hated job that causes the heart attack at that particular time?
Ayurvedic medicine looks for this mind-body connection. A practitioner will certainly look at the physical being, observing the patient for any signs of imbalance, but then will ask the patient what’s going on in his or her life. Everyone has a story. I see many clients suffering from chronic diseases such as Lyme disease, fibromyalgia, and generalized pain. Especially in these clients, I always look for the emotional component. And there is always an emotional component. Either there’s a recent divorce, death in the family, trouble with a child or parent, or financial strife that’s led to excessive stress. To reemphasize this point: you cannot heal if you don’t heal your emotions.
My best friend’s mother was diagnosed at age sixty with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer. She was told she had a 30 percent chance of survival. But the doctor told her family that her chances were actually lower than that, because he had rarely seen anyone live through the treatment let alone survive and tell the story. She not only beat the odds but also had almost made it to her five-year mark when she was again diagnosed with cancer — this time an aggressive lymphoma — and was once again given a 30 percent chance of beating her cancer. When she finished her treatment and went into remission, I asked her why she thought she had gotten cancer again. She responded, “I had hate and resentment I was holding on to toward my husband. I worked through the anger, let it go, and forgave him for anything he did. It was only then that I was able to heal.” She is alive and well today at age seventy-eight and has outlived her husband, with whom, she said, she had a second honeymoon period. Clearly, she saw and experienced the power of emotional healing.
Do You Run Your Emotions, or Do Your Emotions Run You?
Just as you have some control over your thoughts, you also have a certain amount of control over your emotions. Sometimes we become overwhelmed with emotions, but even then we are in control of what happens when we feel them. Too many of us believe we are victims of our emotions. Men blame their anger on their aggressive nature. Women blame their crankiness on PMS. In reality, we are evolved creatures, and we can choose not to react like a conditioned bundle of nerves. When it comes to what we let into our bodies and what we don’t, we have access to a higher intelligence. Certainly, we are hardwired differently from each other when it comes to our propensity to react a certain way. Vata types have a tendency toward worry and nervousness. Pitta types get more irritable, judgmental, and angry. Kapha types get possessive, clingy, sad, and depressed. This natural inclination toward one reaction or another doesn’t mean you won’t experience a whole spectrum of emotions, but you will become aware that you’ve started to react in a particular manner. You can either choose to go there or choose another way of dealing with the emotion. In this way, you no longer remain a prisoner of your emotions.
There will be times, though, when you can’t control your emotions, and appropriately so. Upon hearing the news that a loved one has died or had an accident, you may be overcome with sadness, and that’s the appropriate response. But if you find you continue to respond with sadness to thoughts of that event for years after the initial news, you probably have some emotional clearing to do.
Or suppose you are predominately a Pitta type and you find yourself getting angry and irritated more often than usual. You can use self-observation to figure out why your Pitta is out of balance and work on rebalancing it through diet, outdoor exercise, taking in some fresh air, or maybe venting to a good friend. Once you regain control, you can go to the root of why you’ve been getting angry so often.
As a Vata type, I tend toward worry. I keep myself in check when I find I’m worrying too much: I call a good friend, drink some Vata tea, and get a good night’s rest. Once I’m back in balance, I’m better able to assess whether the emotions had any validity at all.
Have you ever found yourself overreacting, then realized that it was useless to even react? Then, you’re left picking up the pieces of your reaction, often with embarrassment. I once saw a poster for an anti-child-abuse campaign that stated, “Count from 10 backwards before you think about hitting your child.” It’s often that deep breath, counting, or changing scenery that prevents us from reacting with emotion.
With practice, you’ll be able to treat your emotions as thoughts and realize that emotions come and go. If we don’t give too much weight to them, they subside with time. If we process them properly, they have less power over us when they come back.
Tools for Establishing a Healthy Emotional Life
According to Ayurveda, we not only process food and drink, but we process emotions and experiences as well. When we don’t process our food properly, our body accumulates toxins, develops free radicals, and creates cellular instability leading to diseases such as cancer or heart disease. When we fail to properly process our emotions and experiences, we create toxins of another sort. Emotional toxins come out as anxiety, depression, sadness, hopelessness, anger, rage, impatience, or guilt. Have you ever eaten a meal while arguing with someone and found that the meal did not sit well in your stomach afterward? Your argument created emotional toxins; this manifested as indigestion from a meal.
Over time, we accumulate these emotional toxins, and if we don’t clear them regularly they manifest as physical symptoms and, ultimately, disease. The following sections offer some tools, including regular emotional clearing, that you can use to keep your emotions in check.
Meditate Daily
The effects of meditation on emotional health are extremely helpful. When you begin to meditate regularly, emotions that have accumulated for years tend to come up. Know that this is normal. Look at it as an emotional detox. When you start exercising after a period of inertia, the body begins to rid itself of toxins. Meditation does this to your emotional body, so it’s not to be feared. In the beginning you may experience sadness or may cry. You might think about someone who left your life long ago. Whatever your experience, let it come up, because it represents unresolved emotions from your past. If you become overwhelmed during your meditation, it’s okay to stop and write down your thoughts and feelings. The more you’ve been stuffing your feelings, the more will come up. Celebrate it! You’re getting healthier.
Another positive effect of meditation on your emotional health is your reactivity to events, emotions, and experiences. When you meditate, you enter a state of calm awareness. After your meditation, you tend to remain in this state for a while. This nonreactive state remains intact when something happens, and so you tend to have a delayed reaction or a reaction that differs from what’s normal for you. Often meditators tell of letting things just slide off their backs instead of reacting to them. I like to explain that it’s like taking a step back from the situation as if you were an observer. This happens without your even trying, as a result of your meditation practice.
Take Responsibility for What You Are Feeling
Taking responsibility for your feelings is, by far, the most important level you can reach in emotional health. Long ago, I read a brilliant book called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. The premise of the book is that, if your emotional intelligence is low, it does not matter what your intelligence quotient is. Instinctively we know this when we see people behave obnoxiously, or out of control, in public. However, our society puts greater emphasis on measurable intelligence and gauges it through testing, grades, degrees, and so on. From the time we are put in school, we are constantly compared and evaluated according to what we know. Little emphasis is placed on our emotions, how we manage our feelings and events, and how we treat others and ourselves. In the real world, success depends more on emotional health than IQ. Let me give you an example. If a CEO of a company consistently gets angry with employees, he will not be able to successfully lead a company. In relationships, partners who take responsibility for their feelings, instead of constantly blaming the other when things go awry, are more successful at problem solving and relationship building.
One thing you must realize is that no one put your feelings there in the first place. You put them there. We can interpret events, circumstances, words, and exchanges in many different ways. If we respond negatively, it’s because we have preset our notions or ideas about how things should be. The other person or persons that we interact with are not responsible for our preset notions.
Don’t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having any type of feeling about a given situation. Feelings are a normal part of our human existence. It’s what we do with those feelings that matters.
Let’s suppose you try on a new dress for a party. You ask your partner’s advice about the dress. He hesitates then says, “Let’s see you in this black dress over here.” Inside, you negatively interpret the comment as: “He doesn’t like the dress” or “He thinks I don’t look good” or “He thinks I’m fat.” Whichever the negative interpretation, you might feel rejection, disappointment, sadness, anger, or frustration at the comment. Whatever it is you’re feeling, take ownership of it. When we take ownership of a feeling, the feeling has a tendency to dissipate.
So let’s suppose that in this example you are disappointed because you suspect your partner is indicating you are fat. But your partner didn’t mention anything about fat; he simply suggested trying on another dress. Many situations that provoke strong feelings are based on assumptions rather than confirmed fact. But even if your feelings are completely justified, remember that they are yours.
Deal with the Emotion as It Occurs
Ignoring emotions is like ignoring a persistent toddler. They will bother you until they get what they want. We tend to perceive our emotions as notions in our head, and to perceive feelings as emotions experienced in the body — that is, we perceive emotions intellectually but also physically, as if they took two different forms. Examples of emotions are love, joy, anger, frustration, or disappointment. We may feel the emotion of love, in the body, as a lightness in the heart, an airy head, or butterflies in the stomach. And in the body, we may feel anger as a “hot” head, a churning stomach, or tense muscles.
After taking responsibility for a feeling you are experiencing, identify the emotion: happiness, sadness, love, anger, hate, frustration, urgency, impatience, or desperation. Once you identify the emotion, feel where you sense it in your body. Sometimes when you are frustrated, and you link it to your body, you realize you’re hungry and the growling stomach, not the situation, has made you frustrated. Or perhaps you react negatively to a coworker, but when you place your hand on your head to assimilate the emotion, you come to the conclusion that your anger is due to an email you read minutes before.
A great way to identify an emotion and link it to your body is to ask yourself some questions:
• What am I feeling?
• Where am I feeling it in my body?
• Why do I think I’m reacting this way?
• Have I reacted this way to a similar situation before?
• Do I see the possibility to react differently?
The entire time, remain nonjudgmental with yourself. You are simply gathering clues to your reaction.
Then pay attention to your body. You might want to breathe deeply a few times into the area where your body is experiencing discomfort in response to the feeling. As you breathe, notice that the discomfort starts to dissipate in response to your attention.
Be a Conscious Choice-Maker
Once you are aware of your feelings, you can choose whether you wish to stay with them. You may believe you have no choice but to feel them. But in fact, the choice is yours and always has been. We are used to reacting like a conditioned bundle of nerves, and so we think we have no choice other than to react in the same way we’ve always reacted. However, nothing is farther from the truth. Let’s take the example of the dress. If you reacted with frustration because you thought your partner was saying you are fat, that was just one reaction of many. You could have interpreted his reaction in one of these ways: “Maybe he just prefers the color black” or “Maybe he wants a couple of options to choose from, and then he’ll give me his opinion.” Both options are pretty reaction-neutral. Don’t you agree?
Let’s suppose you are driving to work and someone cuts right in front of you with no warning. What would your initial emotional reaction be? Many people would get angry or upset and wonder how someone could be so inconsiderate. But what if you said to yourself, “Hey, maybe that person is late for a meeting” or “Maybe that person just received some bad news” or even “Maybe that person just needs to get somewhere quickly to use the bathroom.” Are any of these scenarios possible? Have you ever been in a similar situation, where you were rushed and you unintentionally cut someone off?
As you can see, a given stimulus or situation can create any emotional reaction you choose. If you resist interpreting it, or if you entertain several different interpretations, not knowing which one is actually accurate, you can choose calmness, curiosity, and freedom from less useful reactions.
But let’s assume that a situation does provoke a strong emotional reaction in you. Suppose you invite a friend to a movie you really want to see, and your friend is late so you miss the beginning. This particular friend has been late in the past. You stuff down your feelings of disappointment, anger, frustration, or even rage as you see your friend approach, and you say, “Oh, that’s okay. We’ve only missed a few minutes.” A reaction such as this does not necessarily make you a conscious choice-maker, because you are experiencing negative feelings and are negating them rather than expressing them to your friend in a healthy manner. Rest assured, they will creep up at a later time. Your ways of feeling and expressing are not in sync. In order to sync them up, you might tell your friend: “You are a dear friend and I love you. But when you are not on time I feel frustrated because I need you to respect my time. In the future, would you mind planning on leaving home fifteen minutes earlier in order to be on time?” This method, called conscious communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg in his book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, is a means to process our emotions in a healthy way.
Be Process Oriented Rather Than Goal Oriented
Growth takes time. We work hard on our educations, at our jobs, and at being parents and friends. Rarely are we coached on how to work with our emotions. Just like anything else you need to work on, creating a healthy emotional life takes time. You will reach higher aspects of yourself through practice and trial and error. Whatever your age, you’ve been developing emotional-response habits for that long. Don’t expect instant results. As you practice meditation and cultivate your ability to witness your awareness, you will begin to watch yourself, your emotions, and your reactions to situations and others. By becoming aware of your emotional reactions, you begin to notice what you’d like to change. As you observe, remain aware of your desire to change. Notice how each day is different. Be mindful of your triggers. For example, if you are a Pitta type and you haven’t had lunch and it’s two in the afternoon, your emotional trigger is likely due to hunger. Or if you’re a Vata type and it’s been cold and windy all day, your reaction is probably a result of physical discomfort. People close to us can also be triggered by their own experiences. You may notice that certain people in your life know how to irritate you. They are pressing emotional triggers in you. When you notice your reactions, write them down and create a plan to eventually change your trigger reaction. Be honest with yourself. If a loved one or friend points out something that has triggered an emotional reaction in you, then instead of getting angry or upset, look inside to see if it’s true.
Celebrate each time you honor your desire for change. Enjoy the process of watching yourself grow emotionally.
Emotional Clearing for Each Dosha
Here’s a quick guide to rebalancing your emotional body according to your dosha.
Vata Types
Vata types are prone to nervousness and worry, and they need to be mindful of this tendency. Since Vata types are composed of a higher proportion of space and air, they must keep themselves grounded. When you find yourself worrying, make sure your diet is balanced and you’re getting enough sleep. Go to bed, and awaken, at the same time each day. Eat warm foods and avoid dry foods. Create a schedule for yourself and try to stick to it. When a situation, job, relationship, or experience starts to get uncomfortable, rather than changing it right away, try staying with it and ride the waves. Create stability in your life and you’ll notice that worry subsides. Write down two or three inspirational phrases that you can read or say aloud to yourself when you’re too nervous or are worrying too much. A common phrase that seems to work with worry is: “This too shall pass.” Another one might be: “Let go and let God.” Whatever your phrases, say them often to yourself until they become second nature.
Vata types are able to process their emotions through creativity and creative expression. Writing may be a great way for a Vata to work through a problem and do some emotional clearing. Keep a journal by your bedside table and write about experiences you would like to clear from your mind and body. Letter writing can be helpful whether or not you share the letter. Painting a picture may be another creative outlet for emotional clearing. Movement, too, tends to come naturally for Vata types. Processing emotions through dance — turning on loud music and dancing your emotions away — or pulling out a pair of ice skates and gliding to emotional healing may be just what the Ayurvedic doctor ordered.
Pitta Types
An out-of-balance Pitta tends toward criticism, impatience, judgment, anger, and control. If your mind-body type is Pitta, you’ve probably noticed these traits in yourself or you’ve been told you have them. Often, it’s a Pitta type’s search for perfection that makes him critical. Remind yourself that no one is perfect. Also, a Pitta often takes himself too seriously. Learn to laugh at yourself when you find you’re getting too serious. Life is too short to hold on to things that don’t really matter. Instead of blaming others when things don’t seem to go your way, take a look at how you’ve contributed to the situation. And if you haven’t contributed, then learn from it and move on, or maybe vow to take a more active role next time. Your remedy will be lightheartedness. Learn to attach humor to a situation, although not at another’s expense. When you find yourself getting too fiery, take time to cool down. Watch a comedy show or a funny movie, then turn back to the situation or emotion and see if it’s lighter.
Your emotional fire can take over your body as well. Look for the signs of acid reflux, heartburn, skin rashes, acne, or loose stool. These are indications that you’re allowing your Pitta to go out of balance. If you feel the heat in your stomach, place your hand over it and see what emotions are there. Thoughts are intimately linked to emotions, so as your hand rests on your stomach and you tune in to the related emotions, notice what thoughts come up. Perhaps you’ve had a recent experience that caused some turmoil and you are angry. The sensation in your stomach (translating as a symptom such as acid reflux), the feeling of anger, and the experience that made you angry are all intertwined. Understanding the symptoms tied to the emotions and to the experiences that caused them can help you learn to communicate those emotions and take responsibility for what you are feeling. As a Pitta type, you have a tendency either to place the blame on the other person when in conversation or to start criticizing. It’s best to recognize when this is happening so you can take note of it. Remember, you are not a prisoner to your past reactions. You can choose new ones in the present.
As for emotional clearing, Pitta types thrive best in nature. Going for long hikes in the mountains or along streams, or biking on trails, is great for Pittas. While Pitta types enjoy sports and competition, these are probably not optimal for clearing emotions, since Pittas can get too emotional while being competitive. Going for a long swim at a nice easy pace will help a Pitta type stay cool while sifting through emotions internally. While gazing at a beautiful sunset or admiring the beauty of the earth, bring to mind your recent emotions or the ones you wish to clear. You will find that kinder, gentler solutions will appear to you in those moments. While fire can burn, it also brings warmth and light. Choose the aspect of yourself that brings light, warmth, and passion to others. Create a few inspirational phrases, or write down a few quotes, to keep you humble, cool, and calm when you find yourself spinning out of control emotionally. Here are a couple of quotes to help guide you: “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth” (Matthew 5:5), and, by Victor Hugo, “Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.”
Kapha Types
Being composed of water and earth, Kapha types can easily fall to the heaviness of their dosha. When out of balance, a Kapha can gain weight quickly, which can in and of itself cause emotional upset. When Kapha types are emotional, they tend to withdraw and become depressed. Inertia can take over, and then all they want to do is sit on the couch. In relationships, Kapha types can get clingy or possessive. The upside is that, because Kapha types are stable people, it takes a lot to upset them emotionally. A Kapha may take many emotional blows before she withdraws completely.
If your principal mind-body type is Kapha, pay attention to complacency. When you find your healthy eating habits falling by the wayside, and you’re constantly craving sweets or fatty foods, ask yourself what is happening emotionally. If you’ve maintained a consistent exercise program or have been going out for daily walks, and you have suddenly stopped your routine, figure out what event occurred just before you stopped. Since a Kapha enjoys the stability of routine, you may have noticed that stopping one usually happens for a reason. Maybe you had a really bad day at work. Or maybe you had an argument with a loved one that remained unresolved. Something is causing you to compromise your healthy habits and is making you more prone to inertia.
As you realize the source of your emotional imbalance, devise a quick plan of action to keep yourself moving. A great form of movement for Kapha types is a walking meditation. While you ponder your situation or set of emotional reactions, walk as long as it takes to move through it. As a Kapha type, know that you will withdraw when things get too tough. Learning how to deal with feelings instantly, instead of stuffing them down and letting the problems stack up, will help keep you balanced. When you are able to process your emotions, reward yourself with something other than a food celebration. Get a massage, or go with a friend to get your nails done. Or if you’re a guy, you may want to get a new pair of sports shoes or tickets to an event.
Exercise: Your Emotional Healing Plan
Since we all have triggers, be observant of yours and create a plan to stop emotions from getting out of hand. With a plan, you can process your emotions when they happen and then move on. Take a moment and write down your plan now, by completing the following prompts.
• Three things I notice occurring in my body when I’m emotionally upset:
EXAMPLES: “I clench my teeth” or “I get a headache.”
1.
2.
3.
• Three typical emotional reactions I have to my triggers:
EXAMPLES: “I eat sugar” or “I start yelling” or “I jump to conclusions about what the other person is thinking or feeling.”
1.
2.
3.
• Three feelings I typically feel when I am emotionally upset:
EXAMPLES: anger, fear, anxiety, depression, guilt, frustration, sadness, rage, irritation.
1.
2.
3.
• Three situations or people that I know can upset me:
EXAMPLES: “When someone arrives late” or “When the house gets too messy” or “My brother [or sister, spouse, or parent, and so on].”
1.
2.
3.
Now, commit, to yourself, to remain in control of your emotions. You are not a prisoner of your emotions or your past reactions. You have a choice to act and react differently from now on. You are not a conditioned bundle of nerves. There is an infinite number of choices that you can make in any situation. Some potential situations:
• When I notice my body getting tense with emotion, I will:
EXAMPLES: “breathe slowly,” “count to ten,” “close my eyes and feel it,” “take a short walk,” or “meditate.”
• When I am triggered into an emotional reaction, instead of engaging in a destructive behavior, I will choose to:
EXAMPLES: “ask questions instead of jumping to accusations” or “give the other person the benefit of the doubt” or “create a positive story in my head about what could be going on.”
• My negative feelings about a situation can be turned around with a change in perspective, such as:
EXAMPLES: “fear can be turned into inquiry” or “sadness can be turned into gratitude or self-love.”
• The situations or people who normally can upset me now cause me joy and wonder because I have an infinite number of potential responses to choose from, such as:
EXAMPLES: “I make a commitment to myself to leave if a friend is continually late, rather than get upset” or “I will make a list of all the good things my mom [or dad, sister, brother, spouse, or friend] does for me and focus on the gifts in our relationship.”
• When I handle my emotions effectively and in a timely manner, I will reward myself by:
EXAMPLES: “buying myself flowers” or “eating one Godiva chocolate” or “adding money to my vacation savings jar” or “going to get a massage.”
Commit to reading Your Emotional Healing Plan daily until it becomes a part of your inner dialogue.
Explore your normal reactions to see if they are in sync with your Ayurvedic mind-body type.
Determine whether you will control your emotions or allow them to control you.
Practice taking responsibility for your feelings daily.
Complete Your Emotional Healing Plan.