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Benjamin Rawls
Pressing on the bar, I open the heavy courthouse door and step out into the world as a free man for the first time in almost eleven long years. The moment is bittersweet.
The judge may have declared my life sentence served, but that’s not entirely true. Not a moment of any day will ever pass without me holding myself responsible for Val and Betsy’s deaths. The only two women I’ve ever loved, and I couldn’t save either of them. Their blood is on my hands and always will be.
Wiping away the wetness from underneath my eyelashes, I walk toward the parking lot, wearing the same clothes I had on the morning my entire life ended. On the day Val and I were supposed to start our lives together, I found out she was gone. Then I was handcuffed and taken from my boys. In one moment, I lost everything.
At least now I can try to make amends with one of my grown sons, while we mourn the loss of his brother together. His death certainly hasn’t been easy on him or me, but at least he died honorably, saving those he loved. A better man than me, since I’ve failed to do that twice.
Waiting among the row of cars is my surviving son and the girl who was supposed to become my daughter what seems like a lifetime ago. Maybe I’ll still get that chance because the way my son looks at her...he obviously loves her.
I approach them as fast as my weary feet will carry me, my eyes going right to the motorcycle beside them when it comes more clearly into view. That’s not just any Harley; it’s identical to my 1981 Wide Glide, down to the red flames along the side of the gas tank. I restored that baby from scratch while working two jobs and raising two rambunctious boys. Aden and Brede used to love helping me out in the garage, and I think they were just as proud as I was the first time I cranked her up.
“Now that’s just icing on the cake,” I tell them, forcing a smile on my face even as the brutal memories assault me of the perfect day Val and I rode together. The last time I saw her alive and happy, when she told me we were gonna have a child together...
I wrap both kids up in a tight hug, one of them in each arm. “Thank you,” I tell them, trying not to get choked up and failing. “Thank you for everything.” Pulling away, I wipe my face on the sleeve of my shirt. “Now, why didn’t you tell me I was gonna be a grandpa?” I ask my son with a squeeze to his shoulder. “Congratulations! Val never would’ve believed this, my son and her daughter in love, sharing a life together and starting a family.”
“We wanted to surprise you. You’re going to come stay with us for a while, right?” Blair asks with a smile, her palm resting protectively on her swollen belly.
“Since I have no other home, I suppose I will be intruding on you for a while until I can get back on my feet.”
“Good,” my son says, loosening the knot of his navy blue tie and unbuttoning the collar of his white dress shirt. I have a feeling that this is the first time he’s ever dressed up in a suit, but he pulls it off well.
“The only thing that would make this day better was if your brother could be here to celebrate,” I tell him. “I miss him so damn much, and I’m really sorry about your foster parents.”
“He still keeps all three of them close, don’t you?” Blair asks before she tugs down the collar of his shirt and stands on her toes to press her lips over each of the three consecutive, cursive words written in ink like a permanent necklace. Stepping forward to read them, I see the names – Jim, Paula and...Aden.
“I would’ve put them over my heart but...” Brede starts.
“It’s already covered in ink,” I finish for him with a grin.
“Well, what are you waiting for? Still remember how to ride one of these things?” he asks, clearing his throat. Reaching behind him, he runs his fingertips over the handlebar lovingly as if he’s attached to the machine.
“This yours?” I ask in astonishment.
“Yeah,” he answers. “Bought and restored it when I was seventeen.”
“She’s a beauty,” I tell him honestly.
“She’s yours,” he tells me, dangling the key between us for me to take, a grin on his face. “For now.”
“Thank you, son,” I say, knowing better than to say his real name in public.
After wrapping him in another hug, I accept the key from him and straddle the bike. It takes three jumps from this old man to get her cranked; but when I do, the rumble of power coming to life is one of the best sounds in the world and one I didn’t even know I had missed so damn much.
“Here’s a phone with our address and phone numbers in it and some cash to get you to Louisville, too,” Blair says over the roar of the engine, offering me a wad of green bills and a phone that doesn’t flip open like the last one I had. Looking at the device before slipping it into my pocket, I know it’s gonna take me some time to figure out how to work it. Hell, it’s gonna take some time to remember how to live, but these two will give me something worth living for. Blair reminds me so much of her mother that it hurts remembering how she missed out on so many years with her. We all did.
“Now that’s enough spoiling this old man,” I shout so they can hear. “I’ll see you both soon so we can catch up.”
“Can’t wait,” Brede says with a slap on my back.
“Take care of her,” I order him.
“Until my last breath,” he answers. Pulling her to his side, he kisses the top of Blair’s head while her arms wind around his waist.
I must have done something right in the first twelve years of their life because both of my sons make me proud to be their father.
“Love you, both,” I tell them.
“Love you, too,” they say back to me, the words warming me from the inside.
Twisting the throttle, I ride off into the sunset, trying to leave my mistakes behind. My eyes are focused on the road ahead of me. Although I’ll always carry the weight of loss for my son, their mother and the woman I loved more than anything, I feel a little lighter knowing that there are at least two people in this world who think there’s something worth redeeming in me.
