How did I get to feeling this lost in such a short time? It proves to me that any further entanglement with Harley would have left me bereft once he had his fill of me. I tell myself I should be happy he hasn't shown up. It has been seven days since I last saw him and it feels like an eternity.
The morning after our day at the beach was Sunday. After crying myself to sleep in the early hours, I woke later than usual feeling strung out. It didn't help that I started my period which added to my misery. Forcing myself out of bed to make coffee, I thought back to the morning before, when Harley was here making me coffee. Tears sprung again to my eyes as my mind played through the images of him going through my kitchen to make me coffee. I ended up turning off the coffee maker and leaving to go for a run.
Monday morning, I woke up with a pounding head that I attributed to crying. By late Monday afternoon, I had a fever. After a visit to the doctor confirming a sinus infection, I filled my prescription for penicillin and spent the evening in bed wondering where Harley was, who he was with, would he come back?
The rest of the week I try to force myself not to look for him, but it doesn’t work. Will he be waiting after work? Will he show up at my apartment? I told myself I was grateful that I had no way to contact him. It would make it easier to forget him.
Now a week later and he was still occupying my every thought. I needed a night out.
I pull out my phone and text Lexie. I have avoided her phone calls and stuck to texts only all week citing my illness, using the excuse that I needed to catch up on work once my sinuses felt better. She had no idea about Ian and I ending things.
She responds quickly that she is up for going out and I feel relief that I won't be alone tonight. Confirming with Lexie for her to come to my place, I exit my car and head up to my apartment. I walk straight to my bedroom and start going through my closet. I need something that will make me feel good. Choosing tight jeans, a simple tight white t-shirt with a scoop neckline, I pile my hair on top of my head loosely and slip my feet into red high heels. Wearing heels always lightens my spirit and the red gives me that punch of color I need. I hear a knock at my door as I try to fix up my tear stained, pale face with makeup.
Walking to my door, I swing it open to see Lexie.
"Oh my girl! You look HOT!" she says as she strolls past me into my apartment giving me the once over.
Knowing Lexie would easily pick up on the circles under my eyes, I am proud of my make up job.
"Where is Ian tonight to let you go out looking like this?" she lightly jokes while looking around for him.
Sighing, as I close the door, I think of what I am going to say to her.
Maybe it is best to rip the bandage off. "Ian and I broke up," I blurt out.
Her eyes widen as she asks incredulously, "You let that hot piece of ass go?"
I giggle a little at her question. It feels good to laugh a little.
Lexie’s face changes to one of confusion. I am sure my reaction has surprised her. It surprised me.
"Are you okay? The Kate I know wouldn't be laughing off a break up," she says watching me closely.
Ducking my head as my lightened mood disappears, I say, "I'm fine."
"You sure don't look fine. I mean you do on the exterior but your eyes are telling a different story."
Keeping my face averted to the floor, I shake my head and say, "I can't pass anything off on you." Taking a deep breath, I add, "I broke up with Ian because I had feelings for someone else. But that didn't work out...so..."
I hear her shocked gasp before she asks, "Why didn't you call me?" then quickly adds, "Call Ian and tell him you made a mistake," she suggests.
Looking back up at her, I admit, "I am not upset because I want Ian back. To be truthful, I have not given the breakup another thought. What I am upset about is letting myself fall for someone that I know would only use me and move on quickly. I let myself get emotionally entangled with someone who does not want an entanglement." I dip my head again as my lower lip starts to quiver. I spilled way more than I planned. I bite it trying to distract myself from the tears springing to my eyes.
Lexie’s faces twists in sympathy before she wraps her arms around me, admonishing, "You should have called me."
Returning her embrace, I nod and confess, "It’s complicated Lexie. Sorry, but I was, and still am, all over the place emotionally. Breaking up with Ian was only hard in the moment when I had to do it but I don't regret it. To be honest, I have not thought about it since. But what I am doing is kicking myself for letting myself feel anything for this other guy. I needed a night out to blow off steam."
"Oh honey! That's okay. You know I am here for you," she says as she gives me a squeeze. Then standing back to look at me, she winks and says, "Let's get a drink before we head out." She heads into my kitchen to pour us each a glass of wine.
When she returns, we sit on the couch. Lifting her glass Lexie says, "A toast to us and to girl’s night. We will make every man wish they were lucky enough to be with us," and clinks her glass off mine.
I chuckle and feel myself unwind a little. Taking a sip, I savour the taste before asking Lexie about her man of the week. She grins and launches into a description of her current lover which relaxes me further and I forget, for only a moment, the chaotic thoughts of Harley in my head. Before I know it, Lexie is filling my glass for the second time. I eagerly sip on the cool gold liquid, allowing Lexie to overtake the conversation.
"Max isn't really my type but he fills a void for now until Mr. Right comes along. The sex is good but he is a little boring,” she says as she ends her conversation about her love life. “Now let’s talk about you. Tell me more of what happened with this other guy. What's his name?" she asks as she sips on her wine.
I knew she would find a way to bring this back around to me.
"He wanted a casual thing," I reply cautiously, shrugging. I really do not want to talk about Harley. If she knew who it was she would go ballistic so I avoid saying his name.
"And you broke up with Ian before you found this out?" she inquires. She wants more information and knowing Lexie, she will persist until she has it all.
Hesitatingly, I answer, "Well...no. Not exactly."
"Not exactly?" she asks puzzled.
Sighing, I realize I have to give in a little more before she will retreat.
"I broke up with Ian because I had thoughts and feelings for this other guy. I never broke up with Ian to go out with this guy. It wasn't fair to Ian to be with him when I felt attracted to someone else."
"So, you broke up with Ian, but not to be with this guy? Why wouldn't you want to be with this guy if you have these feelings," she asks, still puzzled.
"I told you he was looking for casual and he isn't the type for a commitment."
"How do you know this?" she asks, staring into my face like she is trying to see into my brain.
"His lifestyle. He isn't the committing type," I say.
"Huh. Okay. So you got to know him?" she asks, now a little excited thinking she will hear some scoop.
"Well no, not really," I reply, feeling my defenses rising, thinking about how I persistently tried to keep Harley away, withholding information about my breakup with Ian.
"So you broke up with Ian because you had feelings for this other guy, that you don't really know and haven't bothered to get to know, even though the feelings you have for him has you all twisted that you are sitting here trying to forget him but not succeeding?" she sums it all up quickly in one sentence, but she looks more confused.
"It's complicated Lexie," I say and try to stand up to dismiss the conversation.
She grabs my hand and hauls me back down on the couch. "No way. You are not dismissing me. I am your best friend, or so I had thought. Tell me what is going on that you have not given this guy a chance?"
She is right, she is my best friend, and I need to talk. I exhaled deeply. "Like I said it is complicated."
Lexis doesn't respond. She sits there waiting.
Sighing again, I give in a little, "I met this guy one night when I was out with Ian. He introduced himself to me. We chatted and when we were alone he...ummm...he kissed me," I say leaving out the more intimate details.
Squealing, her eyes bright, Lexie asks, "How did you feel when he kissed you?"
Letting my defenses down a little, I confess, "It was nothing like any kiss I had before. I felt guilty because I was there with Ian and yet this guy kissed me and I wanted more."
Her eyes widen and she gestures for me to continue.
"This guy is a womanizer so I talked myself into walking away that night but he showed up at work and insisted on walking me home. I asked him to leave, which he did. That night I was with Ian and I couldn't stop thinking about this other guy so I broke it off with Ian."
"And that's it?" she asks. I can see excitement for me in her eyes.
"Well no...this guy showed up again last Saturday morning, insisting I spend time with him. We spent part of the day together."
"And he turned out to be an asshole?" she states, rather than asks, and her voice now sounds deflated.
Shaking my head slowly, I reply, "No. He was great. He made me coffee here then took me to his favorite hang out which turns out to be a beach and a small tiki bar. We went fishing."
Puzzled, looking at me oddly, searching my face, she asks, "So, what happened that day that you won't go out with him again?"
"Nothing. He didn't kiss me or anything but when we were fishing, he was helping me and...things got a little heated. He backed off before anything happened and told me to break up with Ian."
"But I thought you had already broken up with Ian?" she asks once again puzzled.
"I was. But I didn't tell him," I avoid her gaze as I look down at my wine glass.
"Why didn't you tell him?" she asks quietly.
Leave it to Lexie to get straight to the point. "I was scared that if I told him he would persist in seeing me. If that happened, I would eventually give in."
"So...?" she asks again, puzzled.
"If I gave in and dated him, when the time came to end things I know I would be destroyed. The feelings I have when I am around him are so intense. Like nothing I have ever felt before."
Lexie remains silent for a moment then says, "Wow. He has your thoughts scrambled. How do you know things would end?"
"He has a lot of women at his disposal and he travels more than he is here. I would be a passing thing, a current distraction. Given my reaction to him, I would fall heavy for him and it would tear me apart when he ended things."
Her eyes widen as she asks, "So he is an asshole that uses women? How do you know?"
Guiltily, I shrug. I can’t tell her who he is.
"Let me get this straight. You are running away from a possible relationship because you are scared that he may be an ass, even though in the time you have spent with him he has been great? You are also going to ignore the fact that you are so intensely drawn to him?" Now she sounds like she is stating a fact, not asking a question, but her words do give me second thoughts.
"Like I said Lexie, it is complicated and it's over. I haven't seen him since last Saturday. He has obviously lost interest. It's done. I wanted to forget about this and go out tonight. Can we please do that?" I plead.
Looking straight at me she says, "I have never seen you run scared from someone. The chemistry between you must be pretty intense and intimidating for you to act like this.” I open my mouth to say something but she holds up her hand to continue, “For the record, I think you are crazy for not giving him a chance. You should get to know the real him but...whatever,” she says as she shrugs, resigned to the fact that I never listen. I always go my own way.
Grateful that she has let this go, I quickly stand ending the conversation. I grab my purse before following Lexie out the door, heaving a sigh of relief that the interrogation is over.
As I follow behind Lexie out the entrance door to my building, I hear her gasp and stop abruptly, causing me to almost to run into her. She repeatedly says, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Pinch me. This can’t be true." She stands still, shell shocked, staring across the parking lot.
She grasps my arm as I step to her side, turning to question her. Lexie, for the first time I have known her, is speechless. Wondering what could have caused such a reaction, I follow her gaze across the lot, and see him.