Let’s establish some important disclaimers:
First, even in those situations where we do not or cannot stand up for ourselves or fight back, it is still never, ever our fault. It is always and forever the responsibility, blame, and shame of the creep. Sometimes, even when we are prepared, when we have the mindsets and have developed the reflexes to respond, there are circumstances where it might not help us.
It doesn’t matter what we are wearing, if we are alone, if we have something or even too much to drink, or if we don’t manage to fight back. None of this makes it our fault. Again, why is sexual harassment/assault the one crime where the victim is consistently presumed to have been part of the cause?
Second—not all men. Of course not. I adore men and have had lots of amazing guys as friends through the years. In fact, it was my male friends who encouraged me to fight back, verbally and physically, insisting that men in general and bullies in particular understand a show of force more than anything else. It is a minority of men (and sometimes women) who do these things, but they are often serial offenders.
Despite all my bad experiences, I think that most men are good guys and would try to help us if they could. I say this because most of the men I’ve encountered, including acquaintances and strangers with whom I’ve crossed paths, could have harassed or assaulted me but did not. These men tend to be our allies, and there are more of them than there are creeps. To them, I say thank you. Thank you for being gentlemen. Please continue to be our allies!
Speaking of men, the solution that I propose—dealing with the incidents ourselves as they occur—is a lot more like how men handle conflict with each other. They have words, sometimes punch each other out, then go have a beer: it’s over and they know where each other stands. Imagine what the average, heterosexual guy would do if another guy made a suggestive comment or smacked him on the rump. We can take a similar, straightforward approach, minus the punching because there are safer ways to fight back. This very example can help certain men “get it”, if they dismiss harassment as no big deal. When they make sarcastic comments like, “I’d like to be harassed”, they tend to assume it would be by someone to whom they are attracted.
It’s been both sad and weird hearing guys describe incidents with the TSA as they join the ranks of MeToo. Men are assaulted as well and airport security has increased the frequency. One good friend described a prolonged fondling by a TSA agent, followed by denial and then self-blame, wondering if he had done something to provoke it. I listened and empathized before explaining to him that he had been sexually assaulted and it wasn’t his fault. He was already an ally of women, and this made him even more so.
Some men, unfortunately, will never get it or will be creepy anyway. There will always be jerks, so I propose that we take a page from the men’s playbook and learn to respond immediately and directly, with the show of strength they understand.
Third, I’m hoping to inspire women to transform themselves and find their inner warrior, and many are understandably irritated at being asked to do the changing. This is partly because the responsibility is always on us, and partly because the message that we “should” take responsibility has usually been packaged with the subversive message that if we haven’t done enough, then it’s our fault. I reject this subtext and I’m unhappy that it’s come to this, so this is not the message I intend to share. My goal is to empower you so you’ll have a better idea of how to take care of yourself.
Additionally, let’s take back the word “victim”, as it has somehow become an insult in and of itself. If you have been victimized, it does not take anything away from your self-worth. It doesn’t have to mean that any facets of who you are have been damaged or stripped away. “Victim” simply describes an individual who has been wronged. Ultimately, in your own time and you own way, you can choose not to let that define you. Instead, you could see yourself as a survivor—which has become more mainstream—or, as a warrior who has done battle and taken a few hits, which is how I perceive myself. Ultimately, you have the power to choose how to define yourself.