A large part of the socialization of girls is training us to be passive and self-sacrificing. We are taught to put the needs, desires, and feelings of others first. Don’t think of yourself or ask for anything back, as that makes you selfish. And don’t say no—that isn’t being agreeable. If you say no, then you have failed to be nice. Women are supposed to be the peacemakers, the ones who smooth over the rough patches, make others feel better, make boys and men feel manly and validated. So, when we tell them no, we are mean, cold, and heartless—not to mention all the other names we get called. And if someone touches you? From childhood, if a fellow student or neighbor boy pinched or hit me, they got the benefit of the doubt. They were just teasing or showing that they liked me. “Boys will be boys”. If you think about it, this is a dangerous message to give to girls: if they hit you, it means they like you. No wonder women struggle with escaping domestic violence.
The messages that many women are repeatedly given throughout our formative years result in our having no idea how to speak up for ourselves. We usually aren’t taught to fight back either, so we tend to freeze and become silent. Then, we suffer the unwarranted emotions of denial, guilt, and shame that usually follow an unwanted verbal or physical encounter.
On the other hand, I’ve encountered a few women who were natural warriors, who could easily stand up for themselves. Some couldn’t understand why other women didn’t just do the same, and I’ve tried to explain that they were lucky to have that ability. It is these women whom I have used as role models to re-train myself, and it is my hope that they will reach out and encourage more women to fight back.With these warrior role models in mind, the rest of us can create a new mindset for ourselves. This new mindset is focused on the idea that we are worthy of respect. We are worthy of countering rude comments, lewd requests, and criticism of our bodies. We are worthy of polite treatment, and especially of deciding who touches us and when. Our bodies are not public property.
With this idea, we will need to cultivate some new behaviors that will serve us well in all areas of our lives. We must learn to stand tall, speak our minds, and establish our boundaries. We can train ourselves to confidently say “No!”, as well as take other measures if that doesn’t get results. We can learn how to enforce our boundaries and call out incursions. And these are great skills to have, anyway.
We must also be ready for possible backlash. Be prepared for certain people to call us every name in the book, both perpetrators and their enablers. Name-calling is their way of reminding us of our supposed “place”, forcing us to submit, to shut up, or to not be “overly sensitive”.
But guess what? Having started out sweet, nice, and accommodating, I can tell you that I still got called names. So, since we’re going to hear them regardless, let’s hear them because we resisted. I believe that if we start this trend, changing our mindsets to confidence and resistance, it will get better not just for each of us individually, but for all of us.
Our current culture is unable or unwilling to call out and reprimand the creeps in the numbers needed to effect significant change. The status quo doesn’t want change. The men who do these things don’t want to be held responsible for their bad behavior. We can wish they would behave all we want, but they have more power than we do, so they don’t have to.
And yet, we do have power. The men who do these things count on us to be passive and quiet. They count on being able to shame us into silence and submission. They count on being able to coerce us. When they can no longer count on any of that, because more and more women are fighting back, then, I believe, the tide will turn.
So, to get from doormat to dauntless, from silent to self-assured, from passive to powerful, we first change out mindsets and become more confident and assertive. To do this, we need to start at the beginning…