Why am I starting here? Because as I listened to and tried to support the women who told me their stories, a common thread was that they had low self-esteem and couldn’t imagine defending themselves because they didn’t feel they were worthy. We all deserve to know, really know, in our hearts, that we are worthy of respect as a basic human right. So, we begin with the concept of self-esteem.
Old mindset: “I’m not good enough.”
New mindset: “I am good enough.”
I’m going to keep coming back to mindsets, because this is the key to change. The things that we tell ourselves about ourselves create our self-image. And our self-image dictates what we can and can’t do.
How do we change our mindsets? Science! Specifically, using a trait of the brain called neuroplasticity, or brain plasticity. This is the ability of the brain to adapt, change, rewire, and be reprogrammed. Philosophers and sages have known for millennia that we can change not only our thoughts and our behaviors, but who we are. We now have the science to explain how it happens in the brain. It explains how things like repetition, chanting, meditation, prayer, hypnosis, and affirmations work. Neuroplasticity proves we can have more self-love and become more confident, even if we don’t feel that way right now.
It saddens me to say, but after decades of listening to people (as men have confided in me as well), those of us with healthy self-esteem are rare. Most of us have low self-esteem. If you are among this majority and have poor self-esteem, if you don’t love yourself, I know exactly how you feel. Decades ago, I felt that way, too. But I wanted to change, so I searched for a way out of the pain. In my case, it was Dr. Robert Schuller’s book Self Love, which I can credit with preventing me from taking my own life around the age of nineteen.
For this project, I went looking for newer books and found one that I really liked by Kamal Ravikant, entitled Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. It’s a quick read with simple action steps. Kamal’s first exercise is to counter the negative voice in your head with the phrase “I love myself”. As you repeat this phrase over and over as a mantra to drive out negativity from your mind, you reprogram your brain. This book is worth its weight in gold. Please get yourself a copy.
When I shared this mantra with some friends, they protested that they couldn’t tell themselves that they loved themselves. These were educated, professional women who couldn’t express self-love. We kicked around some alternatives, so if “I love myself” is too much, start with something like, “I am learning to love myself” or “I love myself more every day” until you can finally say that you love yourself. And you deserve your love!
If these mantras trigger a backlash of negativity, which research suggests can happen with low self-esteem, it just means that you’ll need to focus on becoming aware of and calling out the automatic thoughts that aren’t allowing you to accept positive or loving thoughts about yourself. In the meantime, please don’t give up on this, because you can still apply the rest of the ideas in this book while you build your self-esteem.
Research has indicated that self talk is the most critical element in improving our self-esteem. It is also called “internal dialogue”, “automatic thoughts”, etc., and when you pay close attention to these thoughts, you will notice that they tend to be negative. In his book The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle calls it the “Thinker”, and describes how to manage it. A good friend of mine seems to have an extra-mean version, so we call his the “Stinker”. Whatever we call it, most of us are constantly thinking the worst of ourselves and criticize ourselves non-stop. We bully ourselves, and this isn’t healthy.
At this point, I’d like to note that negative thoughts are normal because they are part of our instincts to protect ourselves. Our ancestors who were more aware, more on guard, always watching for danger were more likely to survive. But when those thoughts become self-bullying, they have got to go. The path to changing them begins with monitoring your self-talk for these repetitive, negative thoughts and making a list so you can identify patterns. Next, evaluate them for what is true as opposed to something you’ve just accepted as true because you’ve been thinking it for so long. Call these thoughts out and question them. Begin to replace them with more positive versions. This process in diffusing negative and irrational thoughts is from a therapeutic approach called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Look it up online for more info, find a book about it, or if you can, see a psychologist who specializes in this therapy. It’s really good stuff.
What if you can’t see a psychologist for this? Well, then we are back to the books, and there are plenty of great books on this topic. There’s also another alternative that we’ll get to soon. In the meantime, as you start to monitor those negative thoughts, begin to think about their origin. Where did you get these ideas about yourself? When you do this, you’ll probably realize that many of them go back to your childhood, or something unkind that someone said to you, and that you decided to accept them as true. Remember to question whether they really ARE true (Hint: They aren’t).
Self-love/esteem can also be improved with creative visualization, guided meditation, and hypnosis, as they all use a similar approach of repetition. Any process that repeats the new message until you can truly accept it will work. I used to stick Post-it notes everywhere to remind me of my chosen mantras. While you figure out which combination of these methods of repetition best works for you, please remember that we have been taught to show respect, to be kind, sensitive, and caring toward others. Let’s give ourselves some kindness, too. Learn to be your own best friend.
There are other things we can do to cultivate self-love and self-esteem. Countless books, magazine articles, and internet sources are available to help with this, but let’s summarize some common tips here:
Self-awareness is also important for reducing negative influences. Think about what has impacted or continues to affect your self-esteem: family, or lack of family, friends, or lack of friends, peers, the media, body image, social media, etc. Once you figure out who or what makes you feel bad about yourself, avoid what you can. Excuse yourself and walk away, block the bullies, read something else. Ignore the negative.
Media is a huge offender, in my opinion. Studies have shown that girls and women feel worse about themselves after looking at women’s magazines, because they are bombarded with pictures of “perfect” women. Not only do those women not look perfect in real life, they are very likely dealing with their own self esteem issues. And, they often represent a very narrow concept of beauty. We are all beautiful in our own, unique way.
Spend time with people who genuinely like/love you, people who lift you up. Limit the time you spend with people who leave you feeling drained or unhappy. Walk away from anyone who insults you, judges you, or otherwise diminishes you. You do not have to accept that kind of treatment.
If you are lonely, search out your tribe(s), preferably in real-life but online groups can help, too. Practice your listening skills. Ask people questions and you’ll get conversation. Most people like to talk about themselves, so good listeners are often popular companions. Just make sure that you have someone to listen to you, too.
Focus on your positive qualities. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Most of us get caught up in our weaknesses and downplay our strengths. Write a list of what you like about yourself. If you find this difficult, ask a friend or loved one to help.
I’ll go one step further: I believe we all have a superpower. Figure out what your superpower is and cultivate it. Maybe it’s that you bake amazing brownies or are good at gardening or organizing. We all have gifts: nurture yours.
Acknowledge and enjoy your successes. It doesn’t matter if they are small, because big accomplishments are usually the result of small steps made up of a mixed bag of successes and failures. Only focus on your failures long enough to learn from them. Then, let them go.
Learn to accept compliments without making excuses. So many of us find ways to dismiss nice things that others say to us, when instead we could accept and remember those nice words when we are doubting ourselves.
Practice gratitude. Recent research has found that gratitude alters the heart and the molecular structure of the brain. It helps us detach from toxic emotions. Taking a few minutes every day to notice and reflect on what to be thankful for will increase your positive emotions, help you sleep better, and improve your immune system. Consider keeping a “gratitude journal” and try to express appreciation to the people in your life.
Find ways to challenge yourself. Find a hobby, join a class, or volunteer your time for something you feel passionate about. It doesn’t have to be big—just do something. Start with small goals, like reading a book, drinking more water, or taking a daily walk—anything that can help you feel more positive about yourself.
Take care of yourself. Your health is important, so watch your stress levels, your food and drink choices, your exercise level, how much you sleep, etc. The information is out there, and you likely already know what would make you healthier. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will?
Please reach out if you need help: get support if things become too much to manage. Get counseling if you can. Lots of organizations offer counseling at very low costs. If you can’t do that, there are online services and 800 numbers to call. You are not alone.
There are lots of excellent books out there that can help. Find a few and read them. Although different authors may say essentially the same thing, you might have to search for the one that phrases it in a way that resonates with you. The repetition also helps with reprogramming your brain as you read.
And, there’s good news! Even if you don’t love yourself or have healthy self-esteem right now, you possess a natural instinct for self-preservation. This is your inner fighting spirit, your warrior self. So, in the meantime, we can work with that and begin to develop confidence.