Aspie Mentors’ Advice on Understanding and Expressing Emotions

Stress Ranking: 10*

*Please see “The 17 Stressors” at the end of this eBook to put this research in context.

Many people with Asperger’s/HFA have difficulty understanding and expressing emotions. Some examples include: not being able to feel sad or excited for another person, not knowing how to identify what you are really feeling, and not knowing how to control your own anger. Do you have difficulty understanding and expressing your emotions?

Dr. Know

You can improve your understanding and expression of emotions with some dedicated effort, perhaps in a way similar to learning a foreign language.

Some individuals are more eloquent than others and I recommend relying on your own strengths. If you have trouble talking, try non-verbal expressions—writing is an obvious choice; if you are artistic, create some art. It is often believed that actions are worth more than words. So do not feel disadvantaged. You can express your positive emotions with gifts or by doing nice things, like cooking for someone or helping them. Despite, or in addition to, the previous examples, it can be important to use words. Personally, I think that if you like someone, “I like you” is a great, simple approach that has little risk of being misinterpreted. Words also have their place to express negative emotions. I favor very direct approaches. Just say (or write) “I’m anxious/afraid/angry,” and explain why, or add other details, if needed.

I think understanding your own emotions should typically be easier than understanding the emotions of others—so perhaps start with your own and do your best to generalize from there.

This may leave some significant gaps in understanding, and I still have trouble understanding some emotions, such as jealousy. Ask directly for clarification whenever possible. It is better if you have people you trust enough to know what they tell you is genuine, even if it doesn’t make too much sense to you; and let them know when you don’t understand and what is confusing you.

Qazi Fazli Azeem

There are two ways that we regulate and check for emotions: by sensing the intonations, volume and pitch of voice used in conversation, and by making eye contact to read facial expressions. Those on the spectrum who have difficulty maintaining eye contact will need to rely on understanding the meaning and hidden social cues in words, idioms and the tone and pitch of voice. This is particularly hard and requires training, and my personal mastery in this process came through watching hundreds of hours of comedy TV sitcoms, mainstream comedy shows about people having humorous conversations about random and seemingly boring things.

There is hidden knowledge in such an auditory experience, as the same humor and terms of engagement can be used in real social settings to create, hold and sustain conversations. I memorized most of that dialogue and used different forms of it to connect with people, quickly shifting the conversation to the subject of my interest.

The other way is using eye contact to visually read emotion. This is something I am not good at, but I have gradually tried to increase the duration of my eye contact, since, when meeting people the first time, it shows that you are serious and confident. Avoiding eye contact is common for so many of us. It makes me uncomfortable, too. I have read about neurological reasons for it, one possibility being an enlarged amygdala, which triggers a fight or flight response to prolonged eye contact.

One way that I tried to minimize this communication problem was to look at my own eyes in the bathroom mirror for hours, over many months and years. Another way to prolong eye contact is not to look directly at the eyes of a person, but to look at their eyebrows or brow or ears or nose, focusing very hard and not looking directly into the eyes.

The second real component to being “emotionally present” is to really listen to what other people have to say, even faking interest sometimes. I tend to take my teaching skills and apply them to conversations with people. I encourage and advise people when they show me what they have been doing and working with, and I advise them or give my opinion about their topic and subject of conversation, if I have something relevant to share or teach them. My teaching experiences enabled me to keep a frame of reference; they helped me create a database of memory where I can simulate what to say and when to say it, when to listen, and when to interrupt and give advice.

The last part took the longest, since I used to interrupt conversations too early, and didn’t know when to end conversations. I have seen that I have grown the most when I have tried to understand others’ points of view, and more specifically, how they use and work with emotions. I had to fake my interest sometimes, and keep myself from yawning when listening to boring conversation in social settings, but this paid off in the long run, since people started trusting me and actually listening to my own eccentric ideas.

When we show interest in other people and hear what they have to say to us, they do the same for us, and also help us achieve our plans and goals. I learned this over a very long period of time. I am not perfect at this process, but I am learning and getting better at it.

If you want meaningful relationships with other humans, you will have to learn to listen and care for others.

Debbie Denenburg

Delayed processing. That is the first thing that comes to mind when emotions are involved. I cannot show emotions and intellect together at any given moment. I never could and I doubt I ever will. My feelings and facial expressions have always been misinterpreted. For example, there was one time when I was with several co-workers. We had gone out to lunch on a workday. Suddenly, one of the women started having some kind of physical attack, like asthma. Everyone else was panicking. I did not. My experience has taught me to not panic but to assess the situation and get the appropriate help. After our colleague was taken to the hospital and the rest of us got back to the office, I was accused of being uncaring. They said I looked scared. I wasn’t. I was the complete opposite. I was in total control and remained calm in a charged situation. The last thing a panicked person needs is to have everyone else around them panicking.

I just don’t care anymore what other people think they know about me. The people who truly take the time to know me understand that this is how I am. They know that I always care. I am not callous. I remain calm because going into a panic does no good. There have been times when this trait saved my life. I am, in fact, very emotional. But because mentally I am built differently than the general population, my feelings are seen as wrong or invalid. They are not.

This subject is very sensitive for Aspies for just this reason. I am not an expert on how to handle it and I am always interested in knowing how other Aspies deal with it. My suggestion for showing that we have emotions is to calmly explain to others that not all people exhibit emotions the same way. That doesn’t mean that the feelings are not there. They are. We happen to have different “timing.” Where others may show emotions in a specific way in a situation, we are often on a time delay. We may have a tendency to cope with facts first, so that when the emotions take over—and they will—we are not overwhelmed with emotional/intellectual overload. Our minds don’t work in two dimensions at once. This is one of the core differences between Aspies and neurotypicals (NTs). We store our emotions. Then later, when they have accumulated to an intolerable level, we have meltdowns.

Henny Kupferstein

The internet has helped me tremendously. It has now become acceptable to exchange written words as part of full-time communication, rather than face to face. Because I can get quite wordy, people tire easily in my conversations, but they tend to love my vivid, graphic writing. I use words to describe pictures of my feelings as I see them in my head. People often laugh at the vivid descriptions, but they like to hear my visuals. Although I don’t use the expected “feely” words, I describe the scene of the emotion, and they can derive their own thoughts about which word best fits that scene. “After I finished that meeting, I felt like I was seeing splatter red spots.” If they say, “Oh, you mean furious,” I nod my head submissively. Sure, furious. Yeah. Whatever. Even if it doesn’t exactly feel like furious to you, let it go. Accept that they have a word for it, and you have a picture for it, and be grateful that worlds met briefly for a moment.

When I am proud of myself and am very delighted, I see glittering purple stars in a midnight black sky. When I’m working too hard at school on homework, I see myself lugging two gigantic pails of water up a hill, and I’m sweating. What mental health professionals label as “racing thoughts,” I describe as a car that has flipped upside down in a pothole, with its wheels still spinning.

I learned that criticism should be carefully crafted. In music, it is quite a challenge when someone expects you to give feedback on his or her work. First off, you may not know what the person is capable of musically if you only see them in this one light. As a result, you cannot even talk about what they are good at, as you must stick to the program. Additionally, what if you are reacting to a personal preference? From the comments I got for my music, I valued most the ones that included “I” statements: “I like the cadence on the B section; it really captured the dynamics of the composer,” rather than “You shifted from the B to A section in the cadence flawlessly.” Even though it seems like a compliment, it also gives us material for our brains to go haywire—because now we begin judging ourselves internally based on the new clues we were given. So cut it out. Leave the person out of it. And stick to what you liked, as a person. And that’s how people can learn. We learn by the effect we have on others, not by what we see in the mirror. So don’t be shy, just say it.

Suppose you are working with a tutor on an essay for class. The tutor reads through it and marks the paper with a bunch of corrections. You know you need the help, but when confronted with it, your self-esteem plummets. Auditory learners might find it helpful to read their homework out loud, so they can hear how it sounds. Many people struggle to piece their words together on paper. Hearing it as they read it gives a whole new dimension to the sentence structure. I suggest you learn what triggers you emotionally, and seek an alternative that works for you without that trigger.

Mitch Christian

Over the years, I’ve gradually become better at expressing an understanding of the emotional states of people that I’m talking to. Typically, I try to nod my head or make affirmative sounds at appropriate times in order to show that I empathize with them. The skill of mimicry comes into play here, as well. Picking up on the body language and vocal inflections of the other person gets me in tune with them. It’s helpful to think in terms of rhythmic patterns in the give and take of a conversation, kind of like the flow of music. I might not actually feel anything until later when I think over the conversation, though. I’ve also learned that it’s better to stay on topic, and to try not to interject my own interests unless it fits into the overall theme of the discussion.

The emotional expression that some people display can be uncomfortable for me to watch or be around. It seems exaggerated, and I keep asking myself why they need to be so overly demonstrative. Their gushing is disturbing, partly because it feels like the release of something personal that would embarrass me to show in public. I’d rather keep those things to myself, but I try to react appropriately in order to get along with them. I don’t try to imitate their drama, but try to show sympathy for their feelings, and I try to understand that it’s natural for them to be that way.

Knowing what my own emotions are has often seemed like a problem, and it may be partly due to my emotional state remaining at a low level most of the time, as long as I’m not in an environment that causes me to become anxious or excited for some reason. That seems natural to me. I think that it’s often the expectation of others and myself that bring about the idea that I should be aware of this or that emotion going on inside myself at any given moment, even though my mind is actually absorbed in more interesting topics. Expecting to always find an identifiable emotion can lead to the false conclusion that I’m missing something that I should have, when in fact I’m fine the way I am. So, I’ve learned to not try to express emotions the way others do, but to accept the way I express them.

Occasionally, I might burst out in what seems like an overreaction to something funny or annoying, and it might appear that I’m either deliriously amused or that I’m dangerously angry. To me, it’s just appreciating a good joke or humorous situation, or a temporary release of built-up frustration that comes out through my whole body instead of just a facial expression, like most people. I feel engulfed by laughter or exasperation, but the behavior usually passes pretty quickly, even though the state of mind can linger within me for quite a while. I’ve learned to play down those situations by sensing when I’m becoming overstimulated before it reaches a peak level, and by letting it out ahead of time in small doses, instead of one big one.

Ruth Elaine Joyner Hane

Actually, being able to understand another person’s feelings and demonstrate appropriate emotional support is directly related to our ability for reading faces and understanding body language. Emotional availability is generated in a safe, loving environment. If a child does not have a safe environment, one that builds trust and love, intimacy with others is thwarted. Emotional availability is compromised when trust is broken.

Sitting at a window table at the Lotus, a Vietnamese restaurant, while sharing vegetarian spring rolls, a good friend tearfully ended our close friendship. “I just can’t be your friend anymore. It’s as if you have a glass wall that I can’t penetrate. Whenever we get close, you distance from me.”

I did not understand Mary Lou’s feelings. We were best friends, like sisters. I had helped her prepare the nursery for their first child. Although I could not assist at her delivery as she wished, I cheerfully babysat for their first date after her son’s birth, and continued to give childcare for five years.

Two weeks before our lunch meeting, Mary Lou and her husband were preparing a will, and asked to name me as their son’s godmother and to raise him if anything unforeseen happened. I thought about their request and believed it a tribute to our relationship. Sorrowfully, I could not make a commitment. By declining, I may have hurt their feelings. I could not give a valid reason.

It was not until my next therapy session that I began to understand. The psychologist asked, “Can you remember another time when you wanted to trust, but couldn’t?” “Yes, I wanted to trust my father.” He was patriarchal, believing he was entitled to do whatever he pleased, as the head of our household. His emotions were unpredictable, charming one moment, angry the next. My father’s “at home” behaviors contradicted his position as a deacon in the church. I learned that often a perpetrator’s own shame is projected onto the victim, through demeaning words and actions.

My father considered me to be obstinate, incorrigible and evil, needing the heavy hand of discipline, including twice weekly spankings, leaving welts on my legs. I often hid from him, in an obscure cubby space above my closet, so small that only my shoebox of treasures and I could fit. I was afraid of my father and his strong emotions and uncontrollable rage. Sometimes his mood would lift if I hid long enough. I determined never to be like him.

Mary Lou’s trust and love was genuine, unassuming and honest. I felt uncomfortable with so much emotion. She was raised in a culture where physical touch accentuated a conversation and affirmed a friendship. I am uneasy with proximity, and sudden touch is disconcerting. Playful, loving sentiments are overwhelming. Neurotypical people experience an endorphin rush of pleasure from socializing. For me, I believe that in the presence of strong emotions, too many excitatory chemicals are released, causing me to feel overwhelmed, not pleasurably enthusiastic.

Many people with autism retreat into seclusion rather than try to learn how to read and understand facial expressions and body language. I suggest starting at the very beginning. Infants observe from an early age the body movements and, a few months later, facial expressions of their caregiver and others. With autism, this early mirroring is compromised.

Start by looking in the mirror at your own face. Practice making facial expressions, observing where in your body you are feeling the emotion connected to your expression. Watch others making expressions, and notice if you are looking at their face, or only a part of it. Eye exercises many help.

Steve Selpal

Stop worrying. All Aspies are different when it comes to sensing emotions in other people or experiencing appropriate emotions in response to others. There is a time and a place for dealing with emotions.

When you are at a job, it’s easier. The workplace is the place to be unemotional. Stifle your feelings and never whine or complain, even if others (mostly NTs) entice you into expressing anger with bosses or gossiping about peer employees. The job is where you can act unperturbed and get into your work. You are probably paid by the hour and it’s the work that counts.

At home or in a social setting, you can practice at learning how others feel by listening. Stop talking about yourself and start listening. By listening you can gauge how the other person is feeling. The only way to gain a friend or even a sexual relationship is to listen to what the other person is saying. If he or she is talking about a personal loss, realize this and take note. Don’t change the subject and talk about your interests. It’s not about you. It’s about the other person.

Friends want to share a joke or talk about something funny that happened to them. You have to stifle your thoughts and open your mind to listen to what the other one is saying. That way you will learn about what is funny or if it’s appropriate to laugh. It’s always okay to laugh if others are laughing. That’s true even if they are laughing at you. If you can laugh at yourself, it makes others relax more around you and that way you can make friends.

Know your surroundings. Don’t laugh at a funeral. Be aware about what other people are doing. It really doesn’t matter to other people what’s going on inside your mind. Nobody can sense what’s going on in your mind. Learn how to act by watching others. That way, you can see when they are sad. You may not feel sad yourself. Just be polite and be appropriate. Appropriate behavior is important. Acting silly or attempting to cheer people up when they are sad may not be appropriate behavior at a funeral. Eventually, you may understand grief and empathize with the grief felt by others.

Do you trust anyone? Does anyone trust you? Part of trust is emotional. If you forget to do something for your mother or for a roommate, they may act with disapproval or anger. Why? It’s because you broke trust. You just put your relationship on probation. You have to build trust and take things seriously, even if you feel it’s trivial or uninteresting. If it’s your turn to take out the garbage, make sure you remember to do it. If you don’t perform what is expected of you, then people can’t trust you. Building trust is actually rewarding by avoiding bad feelings. Life is a give and take situation, and the key to gaining trust will build your relationships. There are always emotional attachments to trust. People can relax around people that they can trust.

You might feel exhausted after a day at a job or at school. That’s common for Aspies, who need some alone time to recharge their batteries. Sometimes you have to wait for your alone time. Your alone time is important, but you can’t always have it when you want it. When others need you, that means they want to trust you. Don’t get angry. It’s better to be polite and do what is expected of you.

Anita Lesko

Understanding emotions is extremely complex. Expressing them even more so. After 53 years, I can finally understand the whole gamut of emotions. There are many, and varying degrees of each. It has taken a lifetime to achieve this ability. To neurotypicals, it comes naturally. Not so to an Aspie. I’ve had to study people…observe their every move…put myself in their shoes…imagine how I would feel if I were them at that very moment. It is not a simple process, but one that can be accomplished if you want to.

Understanding emotions can only be done if you first stop obsessing over yourself. Aspies tend to get self-absorbed, focusing on their Asperger’s. Get over it. That is my first word of wisdom I give fellow Aspies. Stop focusing on it. Put yourself out there with other people. Only by interacting with others can you begin to truly recognize and understand their emotions. This in turn will also help you understand your own.

Watching the news is an excellent means of studying facial expressions and the emotions that go with them. The Nightly News with Brian Williams and CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360 are my favorites. Over time they all start becoming second nature. This is the easy part!

Expressing emotions is still one of my biggest downfalls. It is so unnatural and extremely uncomfortable. After learning of my Asperger’s, my mom shared something from my childhood. She described how heartbreaking it was to her when I’d stiffen my arms out indicating I didn’t want to be touched or hugged. Yet we are incredibly close. Females are often all “huggy-kissy” in groups such as cheerleaders. I cringe just looking at that—it’s not my cup of tea.

I am better able to express my emotions in a one-on-one situation. If I’m talking to one person, I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down and share my inner self. I think I have become proficient at verbalizing my emotions. Not so with matching up my facial expressions! I could be feeling something quite profound inside, yet on the surface my face is saying something very different.

I have learned that a smile goes a very long way in expressing emotions. Studies have shown that smiling can improve your inner well-being. It also helps melt the ice when interacting with someone. You might not know what to say, but smiling is a universal language, and it makes you approachable. You are less likely to seem as though you’re from another planet!

Being able to express your emotions in writing is a great attribute. However, nothing tops straightforward human interaction. This skill took many years for me to develop. I am still a work in progress. To me the biggest factor is trust. If I feel I can trust someone, it is much easier to express my emotions. Expressing your emotions can make you feel very vulnerable. You have to be willing to take the risk of divulging your inner self. In order to attempt to build a friendship you have to put yourself out there. Even if it didn’t work out in the past, that doesn’t mean it won’t work now. Men’s figure skating olympic gold medalist Scott Hamilton has a quote I love; he says, “It isn’t about falling. It’s about getting up.” This holds true for being brave and expressing your emotions.

As with anything, practice makes perfect. Continue working on expressing your emotions. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Don’t worry about it to the point you become paralyzed with fear. Just let it happen—like an orgasm!