The sun slips into the bay, casting its red-gold shimmer on the water as I make my way along the seafront. There’s a fire in the fading light, a burning memory that calms and steels me at the same time. I’ve spent my first day of exile at home, making plans, preparing speeches and trying to silence the voice in my head that tells me to leave Highfield and Melissa well alone. That I’m no match for the power and wealth of any of them. I’ve grown so accustomed to that cynical voice I’ve forgotten it’s not part of me. At least, it never used to be.
My mind races with the challenges ahead—a trip to see Melissa in London tomorrow and a showdown at Highfield on Monday. I’m going to explain all of it to Alex tonight, but first I want to make sure I’ve got my head straight. I need advice from the only person who will get it. I need to talk to Joe.
Katie answers the door with five-year-old Danny by her side.
“What are you doing here?” she asks.
“Well, I’m not here to see you, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”
“Daaaaad,” she shouts, and the two of them scoot back into the TV room while I wait at the door for Joe.
“Hey, Lou,” he says, coming out of the kitchen with a tea towel in his hand. “What’s up?”
“Have you got a minute to chat?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m just making dinner, but come on in.”
I sit at the kitchen table while Joe seasons a pot of Bolognese and I tell him about my forced eviction from work and the deal I’ve made with Mick Craddock at the Evening Express. I say nothing of my planned trip to London; I’m not sure how I’d explain the Melissa situation to him.
“Oh Jesus,” he says, and I hold my breath until a smile breaks across his face.
“What?” I say.
“It’s just … this is exactly the sort of thing teenage Lou would have done.”
I appreciate the sentiment, but Joe never knew teenage Lou as well as he thought. Despite everything we’ve been through together, he still doesn’t know the full horror of what I’ve done.
“And look where that got me,” I say.
“It never got you what you deserved. But now?” He laughs. “This is some top-level doxxing combined with nerves of steel. You’re crazy but you’re also kind of a genius, you know that?”
“Well, that’s a relief,” I say with a smile. “I was afraid you were just going to tell me I was crazy.”
Joe turns off the hob and sits across from me.
“Look,” he says, “I certainly think you’ve got enough to force a settlement out of Highfield. But you can’t rely on the likes of the Evening Express to carry the weight of this story. You need a more established outlet behind you if you want to blow the whole thing open. Let me talk to some people and see what I can do.”
“God Joe, that’d be brilliant.”
“It won’t be the Irish Times, of course, but I have someone in mind. It will have to wait till next week though. We’re off down to Rosslare tomorrow for the night.”
“Nice.”
“I asked Katie if she wanted to come with us, but she tells me she has plans.”
“Yeah, thank god,” I say. “She’s going to the cinema with some of the girls from school. I hope it’ll pull her out of this slump and maybe even help her get back to swimming.”
Joe raises his eyebrows and I hold my hands up.
“I know, I know. But she loves it, she’s good at it and I owe her.”
His earnest hazel eyes hold my gaze and the whole thirty years passes between us.
“I feel like I owe it to Tina too,” I say quietly.
Joe takes my hand between both of his. “Let’s hope this is all the start of something better, for both of you.”
I have to believe he’s right. That we just have to get through this and then we can finally leave predatory men far behind us.
THE CAR IS IN THE drive, so I know Alex is home, even though the house is in darkness. When I get in, I shout her name, but there is no reply. I try again, and nothing. I tread nervously up the stairs, trying to remember her plans for the day, when I notice a crack of light under our bedroom door. I throw it open to find her folding clothes into a backpack.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I’m going to my mum’s,” she says without turning around.
“But why?”
“Because she doesn’t lie to me all the time.”
“What do you mean?” The quiver in my voice betrays the rush of panic to my head. The terror that she has finally discovered who I really am. She turns and looks at me with a contempt I’ve never seen before and I grab the door handle for support.
“You didn’t answer earlier so I called your office. Judy reminded me that you’re off until further notice.”
I exhale long and hard, that this is the worst of it. For now.
“Please, let me explain,” I say as Alex grabs underwear from a drawer and shoves it into the backpack. “I was forced to take leave and I was going to tell you, of course, but there was already so much bad news yesterday…”
“No, no, no, no, no,” she shouts. “Don’t you dare put this back on me.”
In the stunned silence that follows I find the only words I have left.
“I’m sorry.”
Alex puts her hands on the bed to steady herself.
“I know you’re going through a stressful time,” she says, “but it feels like ever since the Powers have come back into your life you’ve been hiding something from me.”
“It’s not that…”
“Wait,” she says, and I stop. “I don’t ever expect to understand what you went through but I’ve always tried to be here for you and I can’t do that if you won’t be honest with me.”
My mind is racing and I can’t separate the things I should tell her now from those I never will. All I can think is, I haven’t said I’m going to London in the morning and she needs to be here for Katie.
“I don’t want you to leave,” I say.
“Please don’t make this any harder,” she says as she hangs her head. “I’ve already decided I’m going for the weekend. It’ll give you some time to think about what you do want because I’m not sure you know anymore.”
WITH ALEX GONE AND JOE away, I have only one option left. I’m going to have to ask Mam to mind Katie. I’ve been avoiding her as she wants to interrogate me about the lawsuit, even though I’ve told her it’s got little to do with me. It’s not that I don’t trust her, I just don’t want to drag her back there with me. She’s been sober for over twenty years and she’s kept busy with the vegan café she runs in Bray with her husband, Steve, but I can’t reason with the part of my brain that’s been taught to say nothing, deny everything.
She answers on the second ring, as mams do, even though I can hear the hum of the café in the background.
“Please tell me you’ve been able to get out of this court case.”
“It’s fine, Mam, it’s no big deal. I just had to give a statement.”
“I swear to god,” she says, “have those people no shame? After everything they did to you.”
I wonder how much Mam really remembers about that time, about what she did to me, or if it’s just a trait of the Manson women that we learn to forget.
“Well, that was then,” I say. “We’re all different people now. Listen, I was wondering if you could take Katie for a couple of nights.”
“You know we’re always delighted to see her. When were you thinking?”
“Tonight and tomorrow?”
“Ah Lou, could you not have given me some notice? We’re open late Fridays and Saturdays now.”
“She’ll be doing her own thing. You don’t need to babysit her anymore.”
Mam lets out the weary sigh of a mother’s lot.
“What’s the occasion? Are you off anywhere nice?”
“Yeah, London. And Joe’s away too.”
“Well, I can’t exactly say no then, can I?”
“Thanks, Mam, you’re a star. I’ve to pick her up from Joe’s and then I’ll drop her over in the next couple of hours.”
KATIE’S HAVING NONE OF IT. She swings her schoolbag off her shoulder and it slaps onto the hall floor.
“No way. Alice has already booked the cinema.”
“Look, I’m really sorry, Katie. I know you were looking forward to it, but you can do it another time.”
“I can’t. They’re not gonna ask me again if I back out now.”
I recognize the desperation in her eyes, that yearning for autonomy and acceptance, and the guilt eats away at my resolve.
“Gran and Steve will be working in the café, love. They won’t be able to pick you up.”
“Nobody has to pick me up. I’ll get the bus home and I’ll be fine here on my own.”
I think about the photos, the dangers that are inside her phone, and I don’t know if leaving her alone with it all weekend is any less of a risk than letting her meet her friends in town.
“OK, here’s the deal. You stay with Gran, and you can go to the cinema, but you’re on a DART back to hers by nine o’clock.”
“What’s the point? The movie won’t even be over by then.”
“Ten o’clock, final offer.”
A smile curls at the ends of her lips and I’m happy for her, the adventure ahead. I relax and congratulate myself on the fine balancing act of keeping her safe while building her resilience, all done with my eyes wide open. Now I can focus all my energy on tomorrow’s showdown with Melissa.