BUT THERE were other things we had to deal with that week.
The first of our “deposits.” And let me just tell you, there is no dignity in this process at all, but I guess this is how we gays have to have a baby unless we actually do the turkey baster or the extremely traditional heterosexual way of taking a girl out to dinner and hoping we get lucky. This visit entailed checking our “levels,” etc., before we started stockpiling the “product” for the intrauterine insemination process itself.
Dec and I checked in with Nurse Steele at reception, and she gave us a phone book’s worth of paperwork to fill out.
“I’m going to have RSI by the time this is done,” I told Dec.
“It has to be done,” Steele told me. “No skipping anything.”
“I kind of assumed that,” I said. “Just saying.”
She stared me down. “When the rooms become available, I’ll let you know.”
“Rooms?” Dec asked. “This might sound a bit strange, but we can just use the one.”
Steele shrugged; she’d probably seen it all. “Whatever floats your boat.”
“Hey, at least it will free up a room for another wanker,” I told her, and laughed at my own joke.
She looked at me coldly. “I’ve never heard a joke like that in here before.”
This was a tough crowd.
“He’s a little nervous,” Dec said for me.
“I’ll call you when your room, singular, is ready.” No hint of a smile played on her features.
But Dec was laughing silently when he turned away from her, and we made our way over to seats by the window. The view wasn’t that great, just the car park we had walked up from. But at least a tall potted plant would let me hide from the deadpan nurse if I wanted to.
“You would think she would have a sense of humour working here,” Dec said. “I mean, come on, the wanker reference was gold.”
I was touched he was sticking up for me. “I thought I was funny.”
“You can be.” He stretched his arm across the back of my chair, and I leaned against it. “Sometimes.”
“Oi!” I rested my hand on his thigh and he smiled at me.
“You know I love you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “Do you know, I kept blocking out what would happen at this appointment. And now I’m reminded just exactly what we’re here for. Probably what most of the men are here for.”
“It’s part of the process.” Dec was very clinical and diplomatic about it all.
I, however, was skeezed out at the thought of so many men in close proximity wanking at the same time. I had never been to a steam room, so I assumed it wouldn’t feel much different bar darker lighting and nobody being surprised at two men wanting to share one room.
At first I avoided trying to make eye contact with any of the other guys there. And because they were also guys, they did the same. It was like the opening credits of The Brady Bunch except we were studiously trying to ignore each other. Kind of like The Brady Bunch themselves after the show was axed. Or was that just Jan?
Nurse Steele called out a name, and the man approached her desk. He looked unhappily at his sample bottle. I nudged Dec, and he began watching as well. It had to be better than the midmorning television talk shows coming from the tiny set hanging on the waiting room wall.
“I was just wondering,” the guy said. “Do you have any bigger bottles?”
Nurse Steele stared him down. “There’s only one size, Mr. Dale.”
“But, you see, that’s the problem,” Mr. Dale said, looking more and more embarrassed with each second.
“What is?” She had obviously heard it all, and I was starting to get scared for the guy. Nurse Steel was a slightly more human Nurse Ratched. Slightly.
I leaned in to Dec. “Is he trying to humblebrag he has a big dick?”
Dec shrugged, but he seemed just as riveted about where this was going.
“It’s just—” Dale looked around him, and Dec and I quickly looked off to the side so he wouldn’t think we were listening in. “I’m a bit of a… well, a gusher, you know?”
Dec snorted and quickly pretended he was coughing. He started to wince as I tightened my grip on him in an attempt not to laugh myself.
“I don’t think it will hold it all,” Dale continued.
Nurse Steele leaned in and faked a whisper. “It’s okay, we don’t need an ice cream tub full. Just scrape off the excess and clean the spill. That’s what the wet wipes are there for.” Of course, all of the men sitting in the waiting room heard every word.
“Oh, okay.” Dale picked up his brown paper bag and made his way back to the waiting area. He sat across from me and Dec as we tried to assume the air of people who had been lost in their own world rather than hearing about the amount of cum he could produce in one go.
“It’s a bit funny, this, isn’t it?” Dale said aloud.
Did we really have to talk about this? But we dutifully nodded.
“Hey, wait a moment!” He jumped up excitedly and grabbed Dec’s hand before Dec even knew what was happening. “You’re Declan Tyler! Fancy running into you here!”
“It isn’t the place I would expect,” Dec said politely.
“Are you here to—?” He mimed the appropriate action, his hand a blur.
“Uh—” Mr. Cool Declan Tyler was actually lost for words. A rare event.
“Mr. Dale,” called Nurse Steele. “Your room is ready.”
Dale let go of Dec’s hand. “Better go. Good to meet you. They need more players like you today, mate! And good luck with the, you know.”
Thankfully he didn’t do the hand action again.
When he was locked away safely in his wank chamber, Dec and I exploded with laughter.
“It’s a good thing he didn’t meet you after he went in there,” I told him.
Dec actually started to choke, he was so caught between amusement and being grossed out. Which I guess he was used to, being with me for so long.
“They surely have sinks in the room, right?” I asked.
“Will you stop it?” Declan asked through his tears.
“That’s right, get your endorphins up,” I said. “It will make your swimmers more energetic.”
Nurse Steele glared at us for the ruckus we were making.
“Sorry,” Dec tried to spit out.
“Room number three is ready,” she said, glad to get rid of us.
I grabbed Dec’s hand and pulled him up, grabbing our two super nonsecret brown paper bags in the other.
“No turning back now,” I announced.
He grinned at me, and it was so sweet I fell in love with him all over again. “I knew that a long time ago.”
We entered Room Three and shut the door behind us, making sure it was locked.
“THAT WAS… an experience,” I said as we got into the car. I started the ignition and began reversing out of the car space while Dec leaned back in his seat with a heavy sigh.
“I’m not looking forward to doing that again.”
“Don’t make it sound like a chore! I think I excelled myself in there.”
He shook his head with a grin. “Yeah, you weren’t bad.”
“I guess we’re lucky we didn’t need the ice cream tub like Mr. Dale.”
“Oh god, I don’t even want to think about that. I’m so glad we didn’t have to go into his room after he finished.”
“I know, right? The only way I would have gone in there is in a hazmat suit.”
Dec laughed. “It would have been hard to wank then.”
“I’m sure I would have managed.” I shrugged. “Years of experience.”
Dec shook his head, trying not to encourage me.
“It’s strange, though,” I continued, unabashed.
“What is?”
“All those people, when we walked out, knew exactly what we had just been doing.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of the whole point of the clinic.” Dec shifted in his seat to become more comfortable.
“Maybe some of them got excited by the thought of Declan Tyler pleasuring himself.”
Dec’s reply was incoherent.
“Do you ever think when you played footy that people got off to the thought of you?”
“I’m not having this conversation,” he protested.
He was so easy to tease. “Look who’s getting all bashful.”
But he also knew how to surprise me. “Did you ever?” he fired back. “Before you knew me in real life?”
It was my turn to blanch. “I’m not having this conversation.”
“You did!”
“No, I did not! It would have been disloyal to my team.”
“You sinned against the Tigers,” Dec mocked me. “Literally.”
“Shut up!”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure I would have done the same about you. If I even knew who you were.”
I gasped. “You hurt my feelings, sir!”
He laughed and pulled his cap farther over his head.
“You mock my pain!”
We had stopped at a traffic light, and while it remained red, he leaned in and gently nuzzled my neck. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“I heard old men need time to recuperate between sessions.”
He fell back against his seat, holding his chest. “Now I’m wounded.”
“Well, thankfully, you’re not an old man.” I waited for him to smile at me and added, “Yet.”
Dec took my hand and held it against his heart. As the light turned green, he let it go, and I glanced into the rear-view mirror to check the traffic and for an instant saw a baby seat in the back, a glimpse of our future if all went well.
And it still made me break into a cold sweat.